#105 Kute Blackson - What if by Surrendering you could have it all?

0 (0s): We attract that person because they reflect to us aspects of ourselves that we need to embrace, that we need to heal, that we need to integrate, that we need to make peace with that, we need to surrender to that. We need to learn how to love. And so, in a sense, there really is no relationship out there. It looks like there's a relationship out there in the form of, of another person, but really they're a mirror of who we are. They're, they're reflecting to us our own consciousness. We are in relationship with an aspect of ourselves that is projected out there, that we magnetize that energy in the form of a person to us. So when we start realizing that relationship is a mirror more than anything, it's a mirror. 2 (47s): Hello everybody. You are listening to Chatting with Candace. I'm your host, Candice Horbacz. And before we jump into the episode, if you could take one second and hit that like and subscribe button and make sure that you don't miss a single episode. It also helps me and the algorithm, I think we'll find out. So hit that like and subscribe button. You can also go to Chatting with candace.com to support the podcast. You can sign up for a Patreon where you get early access to episodes, sneak peeks at special guests, and you get to submit questions for the show. You can also click that little link that says, buy me a coffee. All of that stuff helps and is greatly appreciated. This week we have Coop Blackson joining the podcast. He is a national bestseller. His latest book, which is The Power, is The Magic of Surrender. 2 (1m 29s): I highly recommend it is a lesson that I Am constantly trying to learn and evolve past and beyond. And I think a lot of us can probably relate. This is an incredible show. But before we jump into it, I do wanna mention that he has a retreat coming up in Bali in December, if you're interested, that is linked below. He's got a website with all of the information. It is his last one, so don't miss out if you're interested. And without further ado, please help me welcome Kute Blackson co. Thank you so much for joining the podcast today, I Am. So thrilled to have you here. And when I saw the title of your most recent book and it's The Magic of Surrender, I was like, this episode is definitely gonna be for me. 2 (2m 18s): And if it's for me, it's definitely going to serve other people as well. So thank you so much for being here. 0 (2m 23s): Thanks for having me. 2 (2m 24s): So, The Topic of Surrender, I feel like is a very controversial one for a lot of people. I think there's this misconception that surrender means not engaged, not participating, it's associated with laziness. It goes counterculture to this, this hustle culture that we find ourselves in, which is to strive and conquer and do and acquire. So why did you feel that this book was important to, to put out? 0 (2m 55s): Yeah, at first, I, I can't say I felt like this book was important. And the truth is, I did not want to write this book. The truth is, this was not the book I wanted to write. This was not the book I envisioned writing. I tried to write every other book, but this at first, but I think I had to Surrender to the book about Surrender. And so what happened was, I, my first book was a bestseller. And so I thought for my second book, I'm going to be intelligent and I'm gonna be really smart. I'm gonna sort of re-engineer a sort of mega bestseller. And so I sat down with an entire whiteboard and I wrote 75 different topics and ideas and book titles and that I thought publishers would want that I thought my agent would want, that I thought the world would love, that I thought my clients would resonate with. 0 (3m 46s): And the truth is, when I looked at this whiteboard, as much as they all seemed intelligent and great topics and titles, if I was really honest, none of those really resonated in my soul. I couldn't look you in the eyes and feel like a true depth of integrity saying, yes, this is what I'm meant to write about. It felt more like an interesting marketing idea. And they were great. Maybe one, they'll do the books. But the only word that stood out for me on that whiteboard, if I was honest, was the word surrender. And I resisted, I thought for all the reasons you mentioned, you know, Misconceptions and misunderstandings, I thought, no, I don't wanna write about this. 0 (4m 28s): But I soon realized that the, the word surrender had such a strong resonance and vibration and energy that I felt as though this was the book that was seeking to be written. That the book had a Soul of its own. And so when I surrendered to it, everything flowed, everything came together, the ideas, the book, everything, the team, everything flowed. And that's what I knew. And, and so it wasn't really my intention to do that. And I would say that everything about my life began to make sense. Everything about my childhood began to make sense, my parents. And, and that's when I got really clear that, oh, I've been, I've been prepared by life to write this book and translate surrender for the new generation. 0 (5m 13s): And so what also happened that became clear to me that this was the book was in 2016, the end of 2016, my mother, who I love, she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. And it was a devastating moment. You know, when you realize the person you love the most is, is is going to die, it hits you. And so I live in Los Angeles and I began flying back and forth from LA to London where my mother lives every month for one year, for one week at every month for one year. And I would be with her in chemo sessions, I'd be with her taking care of her. We'd take walks, just, just being together. 0 (5m 53s): And about seven months into this process, I realized not only for sure was my mother going to die, but the doctor said to us, there's nothing else we can do. You are definitely going to die. And that moment really hit me, and I look my mother in the eyes, and this is where I see that the seed of the book was planted, but I was not even paying attention. I was not even aware. I looked my mother in the eyes and I said to her, my mother's a a little Japanese woman. And I said to my mother, are you afraid? And my mother looked at me quietly and she said, no, I'm not afraid because I know I'm not this body, this body is just a temporary vehicle for my soul. 0 (6m 39s): And yeah, I I will die, but even when I'm gone, I'll be guiding you from the other side. And so I'm not afraid. 'cause I know who I Am and I felt the conviction in her, in her words. And so wanting to be a good son, I looked at my mother in the eyes and I said, what can I do for you in your final days? Like, what do you need? What can I buy you? Where can I take you? What do you want? And my mother basically said, look, there's nothing that I want for my life. There's nothing I want for myself. There's nothing I need. The only thing I want is what God wants for my life. That's it. And it just really hit me, you know, the simplicity of her words. 0 (7m 19s): And I saw that this entire year she was like in the face of real raw mortality, death, life, she was at peace. She wasn't attached to living, she wasn't attached to dying. she was surrendered really to, to just the highest unfolding of her soul's journey. And I saw that she had been living and demonstrating surrender. And in her Surrender, she was free. And that's when I saw that surrender is the real, is the real key. It's, it's the password to freedom. And that's when I, everything made sense, everything clicked. 0 (8m 0s): I saw that my mother was teaching me the essence of Surrender, you know. And so I began to reflect and look at many of the people I really respected, Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, mother, Theresa Mandela, Bruce, Lee, Muhammad Ali, folks that were like my, my childhood heroes even. And I saw that all of these folks in some way, they all surrendered themselves to, to life, to the divine, to the infinite, to to their soul, to the deeper impulse of what life was seeking to express through them. And in that surrender, they let go of their idea of how they thought their life should look. 0 (8m 40s): and in that letting go, I think they tapped into another dimension of life, another dimension of potential, another dimension of their own potential, another dimension of grace. And that's when I think life was able to use them in ways that were, was probably far beyond their own human capacity and capability to create a manifest. And, and so I think that surrender is the real, is the most powerful thing that we can do. As you mentioned, it seems controversial, but yes, I think there's many Misconceptions about surrender. This idea that Surrender is weak, surrender is passive, surrender is giving up, that if you surrender, you are waving the white flag. 0 (9m 23s): It means sitting there doing nothing. It means you're gonna be a doormat. You're gonna be taking advantage of, you're gonna be, you're gonna be left behind. You won't manifest your goals, dreams in this eyes, you're gonna get less in life. And I'm actually think no. If you really understand the real essence of true surrender as a active, powerful process, what if you didn't get less, but you got more, more than you could have projected and intended and planned with the limitation of your conscious mind, with the limitation of your own personal willpower. What if it was maybe not what you thought, but what if it was better? What if it was beyond you? Look at Gandhi who was living a life as a successful lawyer going down one trajectory in one pathway in his life. 0 (10m 9s): And yet had he not surrendered and and held onto the life he thought he should have, he wouldn't have let go and become the the sort of Maha ma Gandhi, the great Soul who he emerged to be. And so I think in many ways, that next level of our lives, for all of us, requires the next level of us. That next level of us requires that we surrender, requires that we let go of who we've been and what we know. But the challenge is what we tend to do as human beings is hold onto who we were and what we knew as a function of sort of self-protection and safety and self preservation. And we don't realize that in doing that, we are just blocking our blessing, blocking the next level of abundance and manifestation and love in our lives. 0 (10m 55s): And so surrender is a, it's a letting go, or I should say a letting go of control or the illusion that we're even in controlling the first place. It is when we stop trying to force life to fit our limited idea of how we think it should be and who we think we should be, and how we think this relationship should look, it's when we take the limitations, you know, off of life and we become open and available to life showing us life revealing itself to us, allowing life to lead us in many ways. Because life I think has been around for much longer than us and will be around much longer than us. And so it has its own intelligence, you know? 0 (11m 36s): And so for me, the, the old paradigm is a is a ego-based model for living and creating life. Like what? Get clear on what you want. You gotta know what you want then. And, and so we, we kind of set our goals and we get attached to what we want, but we might manifest what we thought we wanted only to realize that what we thought we wanted was just what we thought we wanted based on who we thought we were. It's not what we truly want. And so for me, the question isn't in, in surrender, like, what do I want? It's nice to get a sense of what you want, it's great, but I tell people, don't get so attached to it that your attachment now limits the infinite, infinite intelligence of life. Ask a different question. The question then becomes, what is it that life is seeking to manifest through me? 0 (12m 19s): What is it that, what is it that my soul is seeking to express? What is it that God, the divine, the the infinite intelligence is seeking to express, to speak, to create through me? I think when we can become attuned and aligned and feel into what that deeper expression is, then we can align with that and give 100% and go into action. Surrender is not going into action, it's just going into action without the attachment to the outcome. Mm. 2 (12m 47s): Oh my gosh. All of that is so amazing. I wanna go back to your mom because I've so sure I have some Japanese in me. Wow. 0 (12m 56s): Wow. Yeah. Your mom, your mom's side or your dad 2 (12m 59s): Actually, yeah. Okay. And my grandmother is one of the most like precious things to me in this whole world. She's gonna be 92. Wow. And she is just from like an old school Japanese family and like very old hotel money, like very prestigious. Like her brother was the first one to have an automobile over in Japan. 0 (13m 21s): Oh my god. Cr 2 (13m 22s): Like crazy. Like her, her story is a, she, I wish she would write a book. Wow. If she had the ability, she had a lot of expectations thrust onto her as a young woman, especially being a Japanese woman. She was actually sold to another family like she was betrothed without her knowledge. Wow. And like her aunt had set this all up. And then meanwhile she met her, my grandfather, who was this white man and fell in love with him. And that was no-no God. Oh my God. Like you already betroth, the deal has been signed, the ink is dry. God, you are not to be with a white man. You're supposed to this Japanese family. 2 (14m 3s): And my grandmother has always described herself as kind of the black sheep of her family. And she kind of did what you are explaining, which is this surrender to where you can get into touch with your soul and understand what's in alignment and what is the life that you are supposed to lead, rather, the one that people are trying to thrust on you because of expectations and culture and responsibility and duty. And she ended up leaving Japan with my grandfather pregnant. They were calling the FBI 'cause they were saying that she, he had kidnapped her. It was like this. Oh my god. Very big problem. She's, she got disowned and she's like, I'm going to make my own way and I'm going to the states and I'm going to live my life. 2 (14m 46s): Wow. And I would guess that your, your mom probably had something very similar in her when like, she was like, I'm going to live the life that I want. And then you've done the same thing. So there's like a piece of her that's very much alive in you and you decided to leave and not do what your dad wanted you to do, which was to kind of take over the churches and Yeah. You know, be a minister and like, no, I know I'm supposed to be in the States. So how is it that we can like, fight all of these expectations that people throw on us, all of these judgements and live Authentically, listen to our Soul and know where we're supposed to be? 0 (15m 21s): I think it's a big question. You know, it's scary to follow your Soul. It's scary. Like, I think we just have to acknowledge it is scary to follow your soul. It's scary to follow what's true because many times what your Soul guides you to do won't make sense to your conscious mind won't make sense to your personality. In fact, if it makes total sense to your mind, probably it's not arising from your Soul mm it it's arising from your logical or conditioning or your ego. Because when an intuition or guidance arises from your soul, your soul is not conditioned. 0 (16m 4s): Your soul is not based or rooted in time space in the past. And so the guidance that you receive is not limited to what you've experienced and your conditioning and your childhood. It arises from the unconditioned dimension of your being. And so it often won't make sense to your mind and it often won't be comfortable. It often won't be convenient. But your soul doesn't care about convenience and comfort. It cares about evolution. That's the bottom line. It cares about ev your Soul is incarnated into the human experience to evolve. And to me, life is simply a university for your soul's evolution. 0 (16m 45s): The whole thing that we're experiencing really is an evolutionary process. We think it's, you know, wake up, get married, get a car, go on vacation, have a nice house, make some money. I mean, it's all great. Enjoy it. Go on vacations. Lovely. But ultimately the entire, shall we say, game of life is the game of your soul's evolution. And I think when we remember the true game, when we, we, we remember the true purpose of what this process is, it gives you a different relationship with life. There's the, the goal line. The goal line is where most of us live, achieve, do this, go to university, achieve that, get a job, get married, have a car, have a kid, you know, go on vacation, retire the goal line. 0 (17m 36s): It's very limited. It's very one dimensional, but underneath the goal line is the Soul line. And simultaneously, while we're going through every experience, there are lessons that our Soul is seeking to learn in those experiences. And those experiences are simply, shall we say the excuse or the vehicle for yourselves learning. And so your parents are really your professors and teachers, your boss in that job. And that experience of that heartbreak is really, again, a curriculum that you're in that is teaching you something. And so when we forget the soul line, we get caught up in the gold line, and then we live for everyone else. We live in fear. We live what will best person say? What would that person say? 0 (18m 15s): Because the truth is when you're living the Soul line and you, you are focused on the soul line, you're focused on your evolution. And when you're focused on your evolution, it shifts your focus from worrying about worrying less anyway about what other people think and do or not do because it's about growth. And so for me, that's what I would encourage people to focus on the soul line, their evolution, their growth. Because when you are growing and evolving, you can never go wrong. You can stay in a marriage and everybody's happy and even you are kind of happy. But deep down, you know that you're not growing and evolving. You can make millions of dollars in a job, but you feel something's a bit off and that you're betraying yourself that kind of compromise your integrity and what point, what, what's the point of that if you are not growing and evolving and becoming more of who you truly are? 0 (19m 7s): And so I'd ask every person, when you go through any experience, is this decision, is this situation, is my choice helping me evolve? Is this helping me become more of who I truly am and what are the lessons in this experience, this relationship, this situation? And am I learning those lessons? And so I look at someone like your grandmother who, you know, like, like we go to university. I didn't go to university, but for most of us, we go to university and someone takes drama, someone takes English literature, someone takes, you know, applied physics and, and everyone takes a different majors in a different cla in in different class. And everyone has different lessons. And so someone like your grandmother had some, some deep lessons, some profound lessons. 0 (19m 50s): And, and I think the fact that she chose to follow her Soul, God bless her, she chose to follow her Soul, that is the graduation, that is the true graduation to that next level of her journey. And her, and, and the truth is, at the end of our life, we don't take anything with us. We don't take a hotel, an iPhone, a Ferrari, a million dollars of cash gold. J the only thing we take with us is the evolution of our consciousness. That's it. That maybe is the thing that sort of moves on into the, into the next dimension. And so for me, that's what I've always been focused on, you know, and I think that's what I point people to focus on evolution. 0 (20m 37s): Am I growing? 2 (20m 38s): So the relationship that you describe with her, it's like something that every mom, I think kind of dreams of when mom, the way that you speak of her, my mom. Yeah. Like you, you light up and I was listening, listening to this interview, and you're like, she was the love of my life and you're, 0 (20m 52s): Oh, my mom was, I know love because of my mom. 2 (20m 55s): Oh my, yeah. That just makes me, I'm still like in the very like, hormonal stage of like, of new babies and all of that. So like all of this like, just like speaks directly to my heart and it's, it's how do you, how did she parent in such a way that you knew love so early and that at the end of her life you had this like deep unwavering devotion you were spending all this time with her. And 0 (21m 21s): My, my mother was not a perfect person. You know, she had, she had her issues, you know, she had challenges. That's a whole nother story. But she, she had her human challenges and mental health issues and emotional, you know, challenges. But I, she always gave me, she was always there for me, Not physically, you know, 'cause sometimes she had to work and make a living and, but it was for me, right? It was to take care of me. And so she always gave me the sense of knowing that I was loved. 0 (22m 5s): And it wasn't so much what she did or didn't do. It was, I knew through her words, her actions that she loved me. And I knew through how I felt with her, how much she loved me. And even if she wasn't there, 'cause she had to work and, and, and, you know, all of these things, there was an inner foundation she gave me of just how much she loved me, just purely and unconditionally. And that was the base. It was less about techniques and what she did and what she didn't do. 0 (22m 47s): It was just about the base. And she was there for me in many of the small things. You know, she just showed up and, and I think it was the small things that she did that compounded over time that when I look back at my life, I realized, wow, she was there. She was, she was there. You know, and, and that was, that was the gift. And she never, it's interesting, my mother never tried to control me. Obviously there's a level of, hey, you don't walk into the street and you can't go out to the middle of the night and, and you have to come home. But, but overall, she just allowed me to grow. 0 (23m 28s): And maybe I was a good kid so she didn't have to like crack the whip, but I just felt that she gave me the space to just be myself, whatever that was, you know, without trying to like cram her idea of who I should be down my throat. It, it's, it's funny as a kid, I dunno if I was four or five, but she would put my, my clothes out every day, you know, as parents do, okay, here's what you're gonna wear today. And there was one time I think I was, must've been four, I I sort of threw her stuff aside and pick my own clothes and, and she always tells the story. I just threw her stuff aside, picked my own clothes, wore whatever I wanted. And she just, she just allowed it like, like, and that was her essence of just allowing me to be. 0 (24m 14s): And that was a great gift. And when I looked in my mother's eyes, I could see that she saw me. I could see that she loved me. I could see that she wasn't judging me, you know? And I think that is a profound gift that as a parent we can give our children is, is to see the essence and the soul of who they are. Because these little beings, they're born and if you look into a baby's eyes, right? They, they're in touch with the divine. They look at you, it's like God looking at you. Yeah. It's just pure divine essence looking at you. And they'll just look at you. No conditioning, no past. 0 (24m 56s): They don't have a judgment. They don't have a story. It's just unconditional love. But many times as parents, because of our own pain, hurt, traumas, what have you, we kind of project our stuff onto the kids. And so I think if we're able to connect to our essence and see them for who they really are, which is divine essence, which is pure, which is light, which is energy, which is bigness, then when they see us seeing them, it's like a mirror that reminds them of who they are. Because they're born into a world where most people won't see who they are. Most people will see their skin color. Most people see their size, most people see their gender, most people see their nationality. 0 (25m 37s): Most people will make interpretations and judgements onto them and they won't see who they really are. And, and, and so I think as parents to the gift of seeing the essence of your child is a profound gift. And that, that's one thing I always felt for my mom. 2 (25m 52s): Oh, that's so beautiful. And it's, it's really heartbreaking at the same time to bring home the point that most people aren't going to see your child. Right? Like, they don't won't actually see them. Yeah. It's all of the gunk that they have of that's their own stuff that's projected onto that kid. And yeah, I think surrender is such a beautiful exercise for parenting specifically because there's so many books, you're overloaded with information and techniques and this is how you parent. And if you don't this, they're gonna have trauma and Right. And then there's all, 0 (26m 21s): Everyone's gonna have trauma. Everyone's gonna have trauma. Even if Jesus, look, this is gonna be controversial, but if Jesus had a child, his child would have some trauma. He'd be in therapy. Like my dad was Jesus, always doing these freaking miracles. And you know's child, Jesus's child would've trauma, you know, these children, they would've trauma. And so you could say, as a human in this human incarnation, having some level of trauma, whatever the level is right, is is unavoidable. We're in a human body. And so we incarnate in order to learn lessons. And often how we learn lessons through parents and grandparents and issues and, and, and so some level of trauma is unavoidable. 0 (27m 6s): It's gonna either happen this way or happen that way, this way or that way. If we just never put our kids down and just held them all the time, they would've trauma from never being roam to free. If we let them roam free, they're gonna have trauma like my parents should've. So conditioning is kind of the, the nature of the human experience, you know, in some way. And we're here to navigate through that and heal and transform and come back and remember who we are. And so it's unavoidable, you know, I think as parents it's so easy to be hard on ourselves, you know? 'cause you love these kids. But the truth is, part of Surrender is understanding that's you are a Soul and understanding that they are a soul and that child doesn't really belong to you, even though they might kind of, sort of look like you, their soul incarnated through you, but they belong to life and they have their own life lessons. 0 (28m 3s): They have their own curriculum, they have their own teachers, and you can't really stop them from learning the lessons that are in their curriculum. What we can do is provide the foundation and base of love that can give them the foundation of self-esteem and home within themselves. And what we can do is give them the best sort of guidance that we can give so that when they face those challenges, they have a, a frame of reference for maybe how to handle certain things. But the fact is they're still gonna go through the lessons that they need to go through. It's unavoidable. 0 (28m 43s): And there's not, there's nothing that we can do other than obviously increasingly as they get older to let them go and, and allow them their experience and to always be there for them unconditionally. Like my mom, I knew that whatever I did, she'd always be there. I like, I didn't, but I could have killed somebody and she would've been there for me, just loving me. And that, that gives a child something to just a place to relax, you know? Yeah, 2 (29m 17s): No, that's so beautiful because you see a lot of the more stern parenting commentary right now and it's very punishment based. And like, I, I want the same thing. I want my child to be able to do anything and come to me and know that I love him no matter what, and I'm gonna help him through whatever it is Yeah. Not abandon him. Or how do I discipline this accordingly? That's not the way that I, I kind of view parenting. I don't, don't think that that's what you're here to do. It's more shepherding than to be this, this judge. And there's this really beautiful quote, I'm probably gonna misquote it by sad guru. And it's essentially saying that your child's not misbehaving. Society just hasn't broken them yet. 2 (29m 58s): And I'm just like, whoa. It's, it's so true because I mean, who caress if you're at a Four Seasons hotel and your kid's crying like, that's so abnormal. This is such a modern problem. Kids 0 (30m 8s): Cry. Yeah, 2 (30m 9s): Kids cry. You used to be at a, a fire and there was this whole community and you'd pass the kid along and it wouldn't be this thing and it wouldn't be faced with so much judgment. And I think with children, it's a really beautiful magnifying glass of how you love, because it is, it seems like it's the most easy unconditional love, but for some people, that's the only form of unconditional love. It doesn't go to your spouse or someone else. So I think surrender is a really great practice when it comes to Romantic love. And for some people that's really difficult because especially in the West, we have this idea of love is based on only conditions, right? That the condition list is endless. And there is an idea of possessiveness and ownership and expectations. 2 (30m 54s): So how do you get to a place where you can practice surrender within Romantic love, especially if you have such a deep feeling of, of not being safe, of being unsafe, abandonment, whatever your personal baggage is that's making yourself get in the way of unconditional love's. 0 (31m 13s): A big question. Yes, it's a big question. I think that in relationship, we attract someone to us or the person we attract, we attract them into our lives because they are, they are a mirror manifestation of our unconsciousness. We attract that person because they reflect to us aspects of ourselves that we need to embrace, that we need to heal, that we need to integrate, that we need to make peace with that, we need to surrender to that. We need to learn how to love. And so in a sense, there really is no relationship out there. 0 (31m 57s): It looks like there's a relationship out there in the form of, of another person, but really they're a mirror of who we are. They're, they're reflecting to us our own consciousness. We are in relationship with an aspect of ourselves that is projected out there, that we magnetize that energy in the form of a person to us. So when we start realizing that relationship is a mirror, more than anything, it's a mirror. And then we have to ask ourselves, okay, if it's a mirror, do do I like what I see? If I don't like what I see, then what we tend to do in the human realm is I'm gonna change you. I'm gonna change you. I'm gonna change. I'm gonna change this other person to try to get this person to be more of what I want them to be without changing myself. 0 (32m 37s): I'm gonna try to get this person to compensate for my lack of feeling worthy or valuable or safe inside of myself so that they need to be a certain way so that I don't feel this in myself. When in fact they're showing us, they're reflecting to us, those parts of ourselves that we get to heal and integrate and make peace with and bring loving to and, and release and forgive. And as we stop making it about the other person outside and start focusing on insight and start healing and doing the inner work to shift our in inner domain, our interior domain, as we shift that within ourselves, and as we heal within ourselves, we become more self-loving. 0 (33m 20s): We feel safer within ourselves, we heal our pain and trauma. We heal our own inner fear of abandonment. Now we stop projecting that onto the other person to try to get them to be a certain way so that we don't feel, feel this fear, but now we feeling more at peace and safe within ourselves, then the less we'll seek that from others, and two things will happen. We will feel safer within ourselves, more at peace within ourselves. The other thing that will happen is either your partner will shift and change as a vibrational reflection and resonance and mirror manifestation of your change. And they'll suddenly start behaving differently because your patterns are likely intertwined in some way, and you are playing out a dynamic in some way. 0 (34m 1s): And so as you shift, it shifts and they shift and they start kind of showing up a bit differently all of a sudden, seemingly, or because you have shifted your energy and vibration, if they don't change, what will slowly start happening over time is because the relationship will no longer be a vibrational match. You will vibrate out in a form of either separating or divorcing or breaking up and moving into a different format of relationship because it's no longer a vibrational match anymore. And so that is a possibility. And so I would say the most important thing is for us to focus on shifting with and healing within ourselves because that's what will outplay and project out into the world in terms of what we attract, the type of person we attract, who we attract, and what we attract from within our partner in the dynamic of relationship. 0 (34m 57s): And so that's, I think that sort of self-responsibility and willingness to focus on doing the work is the foundation and the key we do that relationship will shift, relationship will transform. And so I think the other thing is, so much of it does go back to childhood. And so much of it goes back to when we were babies and when we were young. Like, you look a little baby and they're playing and they're looking at you as the mom, right? They're looking at you as the, as the, and they're looking at you and they're playing. And, and I think to myself, wow, imagine if this kid, no one ever gave them attention. No one ever gave. And it seems like such a little thing, but they're playing, they look, but imagine they go through a whole life where dad and mom or whoever, because of their own traumas hurt, you know, inability to be present for themselves, that they're not able to be present or they feel overwhelmed. 0 (35m 46s): This kid never feels like they receive that and that's imprinted, imprinted, imprinted, imprinted over again. Or maybe you never feel enough with your parent, you get b's your, your dad is like, why you only get b's. You should have got an A's. Why you not more like this person? So in many ways we experience that we're loved conditionally growing up as children. Oh, if, if you do this little John Little coup, then I love you. If you get all A's, then I'll love you. If you are a good girl, then I love you. If you act this way, then I get love. And we're constantly sort of adjusting and responding to our parents, you know, looks and responses and reactions and emotions and sensitivities to gauge, oh, when I'm this way I get more love. 0 (36m 33s): When I'm that way, I get more love. And so we unconsciously learn that love is conditional and we forget. And, and so we have forgotten sadly that what we are is love. Our true essence is love itself. We are love. We've forgotten that we're love because we've condition been conditioned to believe that love is something you need to get. Love is something you need to achieve. Love is something you need to do something in order to get something, in order to get love. And so now we go through life being and becoming who we think we need to be in order to get love and validation. 0 (37m 13s): And then we try to control other people to get the love and validation that we are, we are seeking. Look at all I did for you. Look at everything I did for you. But we're still in relationship with mom and dad. You know, we're still back there projecting onto look at everything I did for you. It's like, wow, it worked maybe when you were a kid, but maybe there's a working relationship. And so we have to remember that we are love, you know what we are love and, and and return to that and do the inner work to sort of clear the inner blocks right to, to feeling and connecting to the true essence of what we really are. And so love is not something you have to do to get, it is what we are. And when we can connect to that and reconnect to that inner connection of our own hearts and that inner connection to our soul and that inner connection to the divine, then we can become fulfilled, truly fulfilled with our connection to ourself and our connection to source the source of life, which is the divine, the source of life, which is the source of love, which is what we are, instead of making another person the source of our loving. 0 (38m 24s): And so in many ways, like children, we've made another person the source of our loving. And and that sets up a say, a codependent dynamic, right? In order to feel loved. And that's, that's where we feel the limitations. So we have to learn in a sense to, to to, to heal ourselves, to love ourselves. And I think through our spiritual connection, to find that deeper fulfillment to, to the divine, which is really what we are. And as we find that connection to the source of our own being, then we find a deep inner fulfillment. And from that overflow of I feel connected to my essence to myself, I feel I Am enough, I'm whole, I'm perfect. 0 (39m 11s): Then we can go into relationship. A relationship becomes less about seeking and more about being, it's less about, I, I I need you now, this is how most of us go into relationship, but I need you, like I need you to love me, I need you to give me, I mean obviously there are needs, but for sure, but we come from that, that lack in relationship then, then it sets up a dynamic that is often not healthy. And this non then it's hard to be, it's hard to be unconditional when we're coming from that need based place. Because if I'm dependent on you making me happy and making me feel safe and worthy and what have you, then often I sets up a dynamic where I need to control you in order to get that. 0 (40m 0s): And, and, and, and, and that control sometimes doesn't come from a bad place, but it sometimes can come from just survival. It's survival. 2 (40m 9s): Yeah. A lot of it is too. And it's, if you only love yourself on conditions, how can you love anyone else? Yeah. Without them. And if I don't feel safe within my, myself, if my body doesn't feel safe, if I don't feel home within myself, if I don't feel belonging with in myself and I'm trying to outsource that to anybody, it's always going to fail. Right? Like, if I don't feel safe and whole, I can't expect my husband to fill that deficit. That's something that I have 0 (40m 36s): To do. No, yeah. No one can, no one can ultimately fulfill that deficit. Ultimately they, I mean, obviously in relationship, we can be present and show up and love our partners, you know, with compassion and sensitivity and loving, especially if we understand that we're souls and we attract each other in order to learn, to grow, to evolve. And the real purpose of relationship is, again, evolution. When we understand that, then when your partner is going through their shit and they're activated and they're triggered, and you can have some compassion to hold the space for them, but we can't do it for them, right? We can't, we, we, we have to do it for ourselves and then from that place, you know, come into a relationship, but we could hold the space. 2 (41m 21s): Yeah. And I think that's an important thing to, to discern between is you have people that can hold the space and they can help facilitate Yes. The growth, the change, new information, the learning. But when you have someone that is like, I'm pending, I'm going to do this for you. Yes. Then you're bypassing it. I was talking to someone and they recently did like an ayahuasca journey, and they were saying that the shaman actually like was doing the purging for him. 0 (41m 49s): Oh, is this this? 2 (41m 50s): I was like, that's a big no now's, 0 (41m 52s): That's not how it works. It's like, it's not how it works. It's like the, the, my fitness trainer was, was running on the, on, on the treadmill for me. It's like, 2 (42m 0s): I wish it was that easy. Yeah. Go, let 0 (42m 3s): Me offer, that's a business. That's a new business, right? 2 (42m 5s): Yeah. No, but you have to feel it. And part of it is being, getting comfortable with the, the discomfort. Because if you bypass it, it's gonna repeat. Yes. And it's gonna keep repeating until you're brave enough to feel whatever that thing is. And I, I mean, I think your story is really interesting because obviously your, your background is very diverse, right? You, you like your, you have a Japanese grandma and your Japanese father is from That's what I meant. I'm sorry, I'm talking about myself. Yeah. A Japanese mother and your father was from Ghana and you lived all over the world. Really? London. Yeah, yeah. And Mexico and the States. So I feel like that put you in a position where you had to feel belonging within yourself because you couldn't just identify with like a single group. 2 (42m 48s): You're Yeah. It was too complicated. It was like obviously too complicated. And I think that's such a blessing because so many of us want to feel belonging and a lot of the stuff even in the schools now, like it's how do I make everyone feel belonging while it's so important to be, you know, practice love and kindness and all of that. I think it's also important to drive home that like belonging is an inside job. So how do you strip away all of this calcified gunk that you think is yourself to be able to get down to your essence and not identify with ego? Like what was that process like for you? Yeah. To get to that, you know, like, to, to quote, to quote ramdas, that I Am, right? 2 (43m 30s): Like I Am not a 0 (43m 32s): Podcaster at author. Yeah. I would love to, I would love to say it was, you know, I did it in the weekend or, or you know, did an, did some ayahuasca and came out enlightened. But it wasn't that way is being a, a long, slow journey, you know, of life and evolution. But I, I would say that I, I think for me, the process started when I was very young, because when I was around seven or eight is when I started questioning. Like, I don't feel like I'm from Ghana, even though I'm from Ghana. I don't feel like I'm British, even though I live in uk. I don't feel like I'm Japanese. When I go to Japan, people look at me like, huh, and, and, and you know, they look at my mother, they look at me, they're like, you kind of look alike, but he's brown and she's, you know, and so it was, I didn't feel like I belonged. 0 (44m 20s): So that from a young age drove me to question like, who am I? And so the questioning be began from a very young age. And then it was a process of reading and reading and, you know, eight to 18, reading 800 books on spirituality, just trying to understand life and existence and the nature of, you know, this human experience and what I Am as consciousness, as energy, as spirit. And I would say that at the real foundation happened when I went to India about 20 years ago. And just, I, I ended up sitting in my, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna back up. 0 (45m 6s): I, I, I went through an experience where I was trying to launch a TV show and back then, and a talk show in a nutshell, it didn't work out. And that put me into a bit of a funk. And so I ended up sitting in a room for almost three to four months just journaling, crying, feeling all of my feelings, and just going through an inner process of just questioning everything about myself and everything about my life and everything I thought I wanted and everything I thought I was here to do. And I felt like a complete failure and just started questioning everything. Like, who am I? Why am I here? 0 (45m 46s): What's the purpose and what is happiness? And what am I here to do? And I just, I didn't know anymore anything. And so it was through that that I decided to travel and ended up in India. And it was through my time in India and meditating and processes and tears and processing and purging and releasing and crying and dying. And just, I got to the point where I just told the universe like, I give up. I mean, you could say it was a moment of real surrender for me, of just, I give up. Like if I'm meant to clean the streets and be a street sweeter, fine, just, just make clear to me like there's all of these ideas of what I think my life should be. 0 (46m 31s): And somehow my life hasn't quite worked out how I thought it should be. So I have reached the end of my ego's capacity to, to, to make my life happen. So I I, I, like I give up, you just showed me, and it was when I was in India that I went through many spiritual experiences, you could say openings, awakenings of, of insight into who I Am and the nature of life and purpose. That and the nature of how we all just one. And that changed my life. And so all of these labels about myself that I thought were me, I'm not enough. I'm this, I'm not just, I saw through the illusion of it, you know, I remember having this conversation one day with the spiritual teacher back then in India, and he said, imagine you were in a, imagine you had an accident and you were in a hospital room and you lost your memory completely. 0 (47m 29s): Like your memory was gone. And here you are in this hospital room with no memory whatsoever, and you woke up and I walk into the hospital room, maybe folks listening in. You can imagine, imagine you're in a hospital room. And I walk in and I say, well, good news is you are alive. Bad news is you lost your memory, it's gone. And you check your memory. It's like, I don't know anything. And the doctor then says, do you remember your name? And you realize you don't remember your name. And so if you were in the hospital room and you lost your memory completely, you wouldn't know what your name was. You wouldn't know what religion you were, you wouldn't really know what nationality you, you are, you wouldn't know where you live or what you do, or you wouldn't know anything. 0 (48m 16s): Right? And, and, and, and that's when I started to realize so much of what we have been taught to believe, or so much of what we believe about ourselves, we've been told, ah, you, you, you, you are Jewish, you are Buddhist, you are Christian, you, you, you are, you are Danish, you are this, you are that. You believe this, you believe that. And now we get conditioned by parents and society and community to have this set of belief systems. But the truth is, if you were born in Afghanistan or you were born in Congo, or you were born in Egypt, you believe something completely different. And so we have this idea that I Am my beliefs, I Am how I feel about myself. 0 (49m 1s): I'm unworthy, I'm not enough. I'm this, I'm that, I'm unlucky, I'm unlovable. And, and so in that hospital room, everything about ourselves, we've been taught in that hospital room. You lost your memory completely. If we said to you you're married with seven children, what would you say? You're like, okay, you know, and your name is Mogo. Mogo. You would say, oh, strange name. But okay, I mean, how we wouldn't know. We would just say, okay, you know, this is what we've been told. And so in that hospital room, what could, you know for sure, you've been told what your name is, you've been told what to believe, you've been told what religion you are, you've been told all of these things, I'm not enough. 0 (49m 55s): You're not this, you're not good at art, you're not, all of these beliefs that we have, that we hold onto that become our ego identity that we believe about ourselves, that end up now separating us from each other and limiting our life and expression. So in that hospital room, what is the one thing you could know for sure that you exist? That we exist? Like, the only thing we could know for sure is like, I exist. I exist where in Los Angeles, in New York. You've been told, you are in New York, you've been told, you've been told you are, you are in Bali, you've been told. And so the only thing we could know for sure, from direct experiences, I, I exist I, Am as I Am, I'm here, I exist, I, Am, same thing. 0 (50m 37s): I Am, everything after I, Am is really concept, you know, a good concept, a bad concept. I'm not enough, I'm unworthy, I'm this, I'm that. They're concepts, they're ideas that we attach to hold onto and they create prisons for us. And so for me, I began to realize, oh, I'm not any of those labels. I just, I just am. And I think that's, that's the freedom. And when we start realizing that then we have the, the freedom to play in life, the freedom to not be fixed in a certain point, the freedom to not be stuck in a certain way of being. We have the flexibility to flow and to improvise and to recreate ourselves any moment. 0 (51m 24s): You know? And so for me, that's what happened when I was in India, as, as everything about my, we have to be willing to question everything about ourselves. The challenge is we believe ourselves to be this ego. We believe ourselves to be this ego based on stories, beliefs, memories, history, past we attach to it. The degree to which we attach to the ego identity is the degree to which we are not free is the degree to which we resist surrender. Because surrender for the ego feels like a death. And the job of the ego is to protect you from getting hurt. Like you were hurt when you were young. 0 (52m 4s): And the job of the ego is to reinforce its existence. And so that's the job of the ego. It's well intended. It's just limited. And so the ego doesn't want to change. The ego wants everything to change, wants everyone to change. It wants your kids to change your wife, your husband to change. It wants, it wants the, the weather to change. It just, it doesn't wanna change because change for the ego feels like a death, which is why we hold on so tightly to our stories and our identities and who we believe ourselves to be. It's just limited and limiting. And so we can start by questioning ourselves. We have to be willing, willing to question, is this true? Can I know this for sure? How do I know this for sure? 0 (52m 45s): Where did I get this belief? Where did I get this idea? Who told me this? Is this fact? Or is it fiction? Because many of us we're believing fiction as though it's fact, and then it becomes a limiting reality and limits us. And now we create that and live that like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So we have to be willing to question ourselves. It's just that the ego is afraid of questioning because the ego doesn't wanna change. But we are not that ego. 2 (53m 10s): No, that's incredible. And as you were saying that it, it made it kind of clear with a lot of people that have severe control issues or they think that they think that control is even within their grasp, that that is actually very ego-driven because you don't necessarily relate the two, or at least I haven't before. Yeah. Or seen the relationship between ego and control, because usually you think ego and it's like bravado and it's, you know, bombastic and it's this thing, it's not necessarily safety control. Keep the status quo. Yeah. Protect you from things in the past that have hurt you. So that's, that's really informative. 0 (53m 46s): Yeah. When we understand the nature of what the ego is, it's not good or bad, it's just identification. Mm. Ego is not even a thing. Like a bicycle is a thing, right? But cycling is the process. And, and ego is a process of identifying with thoughts, beliefs, ideas, emotions, and memories from the past. It, it's, it's the process of identification. That's what ego is. And so it's not bad. It's ego is not the enemy. And when we understand that and, and the nature of what the ego is, then we actually just don't have to take it so seriously. 0 (54m 27s): Mm. And give it so much power, then we don't have to resist it. Because the more we resist the ego and try to kill the ego and get rid of the ego, the more power we give it, the more we reinforce this existence. We just learn to love it more than anything. And that's part of what real surrender is. You know, sometimes if the ego resists Surrender, because Surrender feels like a death, and rather than trying to force Surrender, which creates more resistance, we can learn to understand that, oh, these are just patterns that came together to protect us from getting hurt. And so really it's just fear. So when we can just hold ego with love and compassion, then ego, which is, well-meaning can relax and open and so, and relax and surrender can happen. 0 (55m 18s): And that's when healing can happen. When we can bring loving and compassion to those parts of ourselves that are hurting. Because often ego is a reaction to certain things that have happened, like dad wasn't around. And that was so painful. And to feel that helpless and to feel my knees not met, I never want to feel that again. Close my heart, boom. Never gonna open my heart again to anybody. So now, even when I fall in love with somebody, not gonna open my heart again. So now we're in relationship and like heart closed, heart closed, push the person away, heart closed. It's not bad. It's just limiting and it's well intended. Pushing that person away, sabotaging the relationship so that we don't get too close is well intended. 0 (56m 0s): It's just a reaction to pain. So when we can hold rather than judging ourselves, like you know, what's wrong with me and I'm bad. I shouldn't be doing this. If we can understand this and hold ourselves with loving and compassion, then healing can happen, and then opening can happen, and then the ego can sort of slowly open and let go, and then we can, we can send compassion to those parts of ourselves that are wounded 2 (56m 25s): And how much love are you missing out on? Right? And how much, how much magic are you missing out on? And miracles and manifestations, all of these things because you're not completely open and surrendered. And, and I think that for most people, it probably will take a lifetime or years and years and 0 (56m 43s): Years. It's a life, it's a life process. 2 (56m 44s): Yeah. It's like just when you think that you've reached like the summit, you're like, well, there's still, there's so much more to go. Like, holy cow, I thought I was open. I thought that everything was unconditional. And you're like, no, there's still like a little bit of resistance here, or hesitation or I feel like there's an armor that I just haven't completely laid down. And I think you can sit there and try to figure out the origin. I think that can be very useful in some cases. Yeah. Or you can decide, I just don't want this. It's no longer serving me. And then just choose to kind of step into a different reality and choose to let it go and choose to behave in a different way or adopt a new ha habit or pattern or perspective. 0 (57m 23s): Absolutely. 2 (57m 24s): Well, this was incredible. I know that you mentioned that you have a retreat coming up or a summit. I would love for you to share what's happening with the listeners. 0 (57m 32s): Yeah. Yeah. Depending on people, listen to this conversation. If you are someone who you feel you've been put on the planet for a purpose that is bigger than yourself and you know, maybe you're in a place where you are, you feel as though you are ready for your next level of life and expression and, and sharing your gifts with the world, you feel as though you are, you are ready to heal and transform and let go of conditioning and connect with your voice and your power, and share your gifts with the world. This December the fifth through the 16th, I Am hosting a 12 day immersion experiential seminar in Bali, it is perhaps my deepest, most transformational work. 0 (58m 14s): I have done this event for the last 11 years. This December will be the 22nd time I do this event. And it's, it's a profound life-changing journey where I take you through a process that is specifically designed to help you identify those inner blocks, free you from those inner blocks and catapult you into the world. And so we've taken hundreds of people through this process. It's called Boundless Bliss, the Bali Breakthrough Experience this December the fifth through the 16th. This December will be my final event in Bali I'll ever do. I've done 21 of them up until now. And so if you're someone and you've been inspired by the conversation, you can go to www Boundless Bliss barley.com. 0 (58m 58s): That's Boundless Bliss barley.com. You can watch the video, find out more information, apply for an interview, and we'll get you there. It's, it's truly life changing. And also if, if people want to connect, I'm often on Instagram, Kute Blackson, KUTE, Facebook K Love. Now my podcast, soul Talk, my main website, coop Blackson dot com. You can go there, enter your name and your email to receive a free three-part video trading series on finding your purpose. 2 (59m 31s): Absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. I'll make sure that I link all of that below for the listeners. And yeah, thank you again for being here. Thank you. That's it for this week's episode of Chatting with Candace. If you enjoyed the episode, please make sure to share it with a friend or two and hit that five star review button. It helps me out so much, and if you've done it, but it's fun a while, you can do it again. Thank you so much and I'll see you next week. Bye everybody.