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Oct. 13, 2020

#13 Josh Wilson -Uncensored Advice for Men

I met Josh when he had me on his podcast Uncensored Advice for Men, we really hit it off and I enjoyed his perspective on a lot of topics. I really love that he is open to any conversation, in a non judgemental way. In this episode we talk about tolerance, our least favorite question, how to find or craft your purpose, and self awareness. 

You can learn more about Josh and his podcast https://uncensoredadviceformen.com/

Support the show (http://patreon.com/candicehorbacz)


0 (0s): <inaudible> 1 (4s): Hello, everybody that you're listening to Chatting with Candice I'm your host Candice Horbacz. So, before we get started on this week's episode, you can support the podcast by going to Chatting with candice.com in signing up for a patriotic account, you get early access to episodes, bonus content and live AMHS. You can also just give this podcast five stars that helps add a ton of this week. I'm really excited. We have Josh Wilson joining the conversation. I met Josh when I was a guest on his podcast. Uncensored Advice for Men. We got along so well, I really enjoyed the conversation that I wanted to invite him on. Just to talk a little bit more about him, his journey, how he started the podcast and why he thinks it's important to have a podcast that's giving Uncensored Advice for Men. 1 (48s): It got really fun. We talked about some really cool stuff. I hope that you enjoy the conversation. Awesome. Well, thanks for joining the podcast today. Josh, if you wanna give the listeners like a little background about what you're doing, your podcast and inspiration behind it, I think it's really awesome stuff that you're doing. 2 (1m 9s): Awesome. Thanks for doing this. So, Hey, everybody out, they're listening in to canvas's podcast, you know, thanks for having me. My name is Josh and you know, I, I have a, I think I have a few things going on, but you know, like I consider myself a dude I'm a guy or a, I'm a man. You know, I love God. I love my family, all of my friends and in this crazy world, I'm trying to love other people too. But some of them make it really hard. I have a business advisory. I help small businesses and a, I always had this desire to, to help guys. So I have a podcast show called Uncensored Advice for Men. 2 (1m 49s): I founded my life need to get advice from smart people. And then I'm building another podcast, syndicated show focused on small business. So I love podcasts. I love talk shows. I love connecting with people and helping other guys if your life. So it's a little bit about me. 1 (2m 6s): So I really like your Uncensored approach. I was reading, we, we were like podcast description and it was laughing as I'm like, we live in this world where you have to kind of say that, right? Like warning. This is Uncensored this isn't for people that get offended very easily. We're just talking about hard truths and people that are interested in self-growth, which I think is amazing. I like went on a little bit of a tweet rant the other day after like the VP debate. Cause everyone was calling Pence like sexist and mansplaining. And as a mom of a boy, I get so annoyed when we like kind of just stick Men in this bucket. And we say, they're all bad. I think it's just like another example of one of, many of a feminist movement kind of gone wrong. 1 (2m 47s): So like, what's your opinion on mansplaining? Because for me, I was like, it's just interrupting. That's all it is is just interrupting. I just hate that we have to like separate it by gender because it's not always that in my opinion. 2 (3m 1s): Yeah. Great question. And to be honest, I'm nervous about anytime I hit the record button on a, on a podcast show because we live in a culture where if people don't like what you're saying, then literally you become the villain and we have a constitutional right that we fought for to be able to say things that's when your mind. So we're, we're living in a culture where we need to go, Hey, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I love God. Or I hope this doesn't offend you, but I have a wife or I have kids. Right. It was just like, you know, I don't go around stepping on people's toes. 2 (3m 41s): I just don't have time for it. I don't have, I don't have time to, to, or energy really to, to go out there and attack people. But I am able to have my dues and my opinions and my, my belief systems. And we fought for those things, right. That's why we live in this beautiful country on this whole thing of like, I don't know the full definitions of mansplaining in this session like this, but I, you know, I'm a guy and I'm proud to be a man. I'm glad I'm not a one can tell you quick story. So I had a three year old son and he said, mommy, do I have a bell, a baby in my belly. It was four. My wife was pregnant to this day. And she goes no to that babies, at least at this time, right age, who knows what will happen in teacher? 2 (4m 25s): He goes, he goes, yeah, it's probably to tougher boys. Isn't it? Well, so I'm glad I'm not a girl, but I don't have to push a watermelon out of my, you know, private parts. 1 (4m 37s): Right? Yeah. Totally. That's not an easy feat for sure. Hardest thing I've ever done. So I wanted to know when it comes to like the generalization of like, Men not wanting to talk about their feelings or their problems, or like that's strictly like a feminine trait and then you have this podcast, it's all about those things. Like, do you find like a lot of men or like really glad you're doing it because I know your podcast is very interactive. You're constantly like asking your listeners to like give you their feedback. And if they have any questions, concerns, follow ups, like I guess, do you see a lot of people that are like, yes, thank you for launching this thing, but it's very needed. 2 (5m 17s): That's a good question. Because you know, when you share something like, you know, I did an episode on erectile dysfunction, right? In that when you post that, like people aren't gonna like that, guys, aren't gonna like that because if they like it or share it or comment on it, then they're like, well maybe people or something. So a lot of my shoes go out into the darkness. But every once in a while, I'll get a text message from a guy who goes the Josh have a job. And then I just gotta read into it. He probably listened to it provided some useful advice, but I don't get a lot of strong feedback because we'll talk about topics that are challenging to emotions, feelings, being yourself, race and, and all sorts of gender identity stuff in, it was just like, it's tough. 2 (6m 7s): I don't have all the answers. That's why I bring on guests who are smarter than me. 1 (6m 11s): That's usually what you try to do. Right? And then like, you can't get in trouble for the opinion. It's like, Oh 2 (6m 17s): Exactly, exactly. They can say whatever my guess is my sixth podcast show that I created, I built some souls on them, but I wanted to show where my guests didn't have to apologize. So people have come with my show and they talk about being gay or lesbian and, or being a feminist or being this or doing that. And they don't have to apologize. They could just say, Hey, Josh this was my view. And this is helpful. Maybe to one guy in your audience are a hundred or, or all of them. So I just wanted to give place for people to talk about being a man, right. In a vise for Men. And maybe some somethings can open up our eyes open to it. I had my beliefs, but I share others too. 1 (6m 57s): And there's so many places I'm going to go with that. Cause I actually have like a list and you like had all of them right there. So first thing is, I didn't know, you could sell podcasts. So can you kind of like explain your like business experience with podcasting? Cause I, I would assume that it's like attached to the host. Right? And like that's where the value is. So how did you create value aside from that? 2 (7m 16s): Yeah. So with like domain investing or selling websites or selling brands, right. You can go out there and you could create a brand, you tested out into the marketplace and then there's other people that they like it they'll, you know, they'll, they can buy it. Right. So I've had some successes, I've probably done 500 or so interviews across my different brands and I've created some for other people. Right. So they paid me a good amount of money to come in and help them print their own brand, their own personas for investors and for a venture capital or whatever. Right. And then I've built that I started going and someone else said, Hey, I want to take this. So I've handed off one enough and I've shut down a bunch because they didn't work a bit. 1 (8m 1s): No, that's great. The other type of that you just discussed was, so you opened up with saying that your Christian, correct. So your Christian, but You, you're talking about all these other things that like you have had people come on talking about being gay. You obviously haven't had me on the pod. 2 (8m 17s): Yeah. I loved having you on the show. It's fun. It was really fun. 1 (8m 21s): I guess like what I see, I grew up Catholic and then I kind of like found my own spiritual path if you will. So I kind of like left that a little bit ago, but what I see with a lot of people that are religious, it's like two divides. You have some people like yourself that are just like, you can just like, look at you. Right. And you're like very like accepting kind and happy. Like your always smiling. We had like the best conversation. And it's like, there's just like this tolerance. Right. And like, just like this, like love and like be, and let it be kind of thing. And then there's the other attitude where I get, especially being in the South where it's like, well, you have committed this sin and your a terrible person. 1 (9m 3s): And I can't even like acknowledge you in public because then like, I'm now like, you know, associated. So like, how do you, how did you come to find that kind of attitude? Like of just tolerance? 2 (9m 17s): Jesus said this. Alright, so I'm a follower of Jesus and I'm not an expert that's set. The thing is I've, I've, I've made a tremendous amount of mistakes. And so I'm not an expert and we would call it sins. Right? Lots of sins still make 'em. But here's what Jesus said. He said, alright, if your gonna boil down everything here, the two comments that I had for you love God with all your heart, mind, soul. Right. Love, God love him deeply and love your fellow neighbor. And then people were like, okay, Whoa, who's your neighbor. When he was like, look around you. Right. So it's just like, I don't have to agree. Alright. So I think we're in this age where everybody's like, you have to agree with me and that's not the case. 2 (9m 57s): I do have to love you, but I don't have to agree with you. And I think that, I think that love is love, covers a multitude. The Bible says it like it covers a multitude of sins, right? Cote sins write. So we would love you. And Bob Marley, I think it was love is my religion. Right? Like Jesus, I believe in Jesus. And I believe his command to me was love. Dad love people. And I can't go around doing whatever and expect that those two most important things too, to stay in a strong. So that, that's what I try and attempt to stand by. Because I'm going to say, I'm going to fail. 2 (10m 37s): I'm going to mess up every other commandment. Right? You don't have sex or like outside of the covenant of marriage or before marriage, you know, mess those up. You know, don't, don't, don't have less in your heart for a woman messed that one up. Don't lie. You messed that one up. Don't steal it, screwed that one up. So everything other than I haven't murdered anybody that you know, anything other than that, I've broken. Right. So it's just like men, how can I stack up against all these do not. So all I can hold on to is that Jesus did something that I couldn't. Yeah. He, he was perfect on that. And I tried to love God and let people, so that's where I, where my belief systems allow me to. 2 (11m 20s): You do not agree with everybody, but just try to love them. Even if they hate me. This is weird. 1 (11m 25s): I think, I mean, I think that's needed right now. I totally agree where everyone's like, there's like this huge disconnect. If you don't agree with everyone, then you can't be friends with them. Can't respect them. They have to immediately convert to your way of thinking, whatever it is. I just like, I wish there was more tolerance right now, especially like on social media. But yeah, it's really tough. Cause like my husband and I, like, we both are entrepreneurs and starting our own business and we have friends that are like living the same kind of path. And it's like, you get these older people that come in and they're like, you can't talk to them. Do you know what she does? And I'm like, Oh my gosh. It's like, I think you're misinterpreting something somewhere along the lines. 1 (12m 6s): Because like, I don't think that's beneficial for anybody. Everyone like has missteps and maybe doesn't live in accordance with whatever your idea of the perfect world is. Or my idea of the perfect world is. And like, we can still get along and like respect one another. Do you know what I mean? 2 (12m 22s): Yeah. I think respect is good. So I like to paint it like this. I have a seven year old beautiful daughter. I love him a three year old son and then the nine month old girl. Right. So girl, boy or girl, very rarely will. I agree with them, right, dad, that I had another cookie. Can I do this dad? And very rarely will they agree with each other? Right. So even in my own household, there's so much disagreement, right? So I don't expect anybody in this universe if I don't even agree with my wife on everything, I don't expect anybody in this universe to agree with me on everything is just a possible, especially with the one who he married me or the kids that keep them from my DNA. 2 (13m 4s): Don't agree with me fully. How can I expect that God, across the street he votes for so, and so's or believes and so on this, or does this for job? How do I expect them to agree with me and how quite a force that on them? It's I think it's, you're setting yourself up for a fight. 1 (13m 18s): No, totally. And I also think, at least with my experience, it's like, whatever that one ideal is that you're disagreeing with. Like we're like very complex beings, right? So there's so much more than that one thing too, you, and for some reason, it's like, well, you think we can use like any polarizing example, right? You can do your voting for Biden or your voting for Trump's. So that means that you're like X, Y, or Z, and your like so much more than that one thing that you do. And it's like, we're failing to recognize the complexities of human beings and human nature. And just saying like, you do this or, or you think this, so this must mean that you're a terrible person in conclusion. 2 (13m 55s): Absolutely. Now your example, you said that they're, you know, maybe in an older couple, it is kind of shunning you for the work that you do or I had done in the past. Right? How did that make you feel? 1 (14m 7s): So it's weird because it's something I've done a lot of work on because I'm like a firm believer of no one can make you feel anything. I think you're responsible for your own feelings, your own sense of self worth and that when you have a visceral reaction to anything, it's because of some narrative that you're telling yourself like that little E ego voice in your head is like telling you, this is true. And that's what you feel this way. So I felt before I found this out recently, I felt like I had that under control. And it was like, you know, in full acceptance of my path and like the choices that I've made and very proud of them. And then I find this thing out and I was like, kind of take him back 10 steps. And I'm like, Holy cow will like, how dare they write? 1 (14m 49s): Like what hypocrites? And you know, like I started, I guess, blaming them, like the whole like internal and external locus of control the situation. And I was that I had to really frame that and then go back and be like, okay, well there's something clearly that I'm insecure about. And then like, I tried to tackle it from that angle instead, but it's really hard not to get frustrated. Cause it's like, I didn't really do anything. I'm a pretty good person. As far as like the general metric goes, right. I'm not hurting anybody, very open minded. I don't really judge anyone else. So when I get that kind of reaction or behavior towards me, it just seems unfair. But again, like why do we expect fairness? 1 (15m 30s): Like no one said that was the thing, but yeah, it definitely triggered me for sure. And I was like, Whoa, I didn't know. That was still there. 2 (15m 37s): Right. Right. I think, I think in terms of judgment, right? Let's, let's use, let's use judgment as an example where they maybe the older conservative couple across the street to have Trump signs. And so they go to church for times a day in, you know, where they can judge in that and pass judgment on the work that you've done. Right. At the same time, you have maybe the person to your other side of the house who maybe works for you in that industry who fully accepts you. So it's one person judges, you, the other person accepts you and it's in this whole world. You're going to go around, going to judge me who doesn't accept me. It, it, it will put you into a chaotic spin that that happened to me. 2 (16m 20s): I'm going to, I'm a people pleaser. I like people. Right. But I felt so insecure because I wanted people to liked me and accept me. The truth of the matter is, is I didn't like him except myself. So then when people stacked a judgment against me, I became a communion. I can become anything to anyone. And then at the end of the day, I forgot who the heck I was. But it all started with me, judging myself, not knowing who I am and then accept in the judgment of others. And it put me into a fault, depression, anxiety, fear, resentment for the people that I was actually trying to help. And I'm like, I looked up one day, you know, I was staying on a bridge thing and the jumping off because of all my failures and I felt worthless. 2 (17m 4s): And it was just like, man, I forgot who I actually was or why I'm the kid. So yeah, I appreciate that question because it really gets insight into people. You are just not going to make everyone happy. 1 (17m 16s): No. And I feel like, I think what I came down to when I was like searching those feelings and like why they were resurfacing, I think it's because I'm a new mom. Right? So now like my decisions have no longer just like impacted like me and my husband it's now it, you know, I'm not ignorant to the fact that is absolutely going to affect him growing up without a doubt. Like, especially once it becomes known and whatever. So I think when that judgment was passed, it was like, Oh s**t, I have to do this all over again. Once we start school in, once we parents in like, you know, it's going to be like this whole thing. And for me, I'm just like, Oh, like, that's just going to be really s****y because like, he didn't sign off on any of this. 1 (17m 58s): Right. And now he's going to have to like reap the repercussions of my choices. So that's like a little bit frustrating. Cause it's like, I can't, I'm going to be able to deny other people's reality. 2 (18m 12s): And, and there's a little bit of an elephant in the room. So if someone's listening for my audience, right, they're going to go, okay, well, you know, maybe who was Candice you know what this she had done in, in terms of work, we'd mentioned it, but your in the adult industry, correct. You're in that your married, you have a child. So you know, the way people listen or you need to go, Oh, I understand what they're talking about. You know, what I think is I know here's what I think a challenge he might say. So I'd love to ask you, this is for, as your kid gets older and as you guys and your husband, maybe you have other children that the parent teacher conferences or other parents that are like, that may be judged your kid because of the actions, you know, in the, in the work that you've done. 2 (18m 55s): How does that affect your, your brain? Cause I know that your, your thinking that like, he, he didn't do anything. He was just born into our world and my kids are born in your mind. They'll be judged for the decisions that I've made. Is that fair? Or how do we deal with that? 1 (19m 13s): Oh, I feel like I'm still trying to navigate it because, so I moved around a ton as a kid and I was like very shy. We had like a lot of issues at home at made me a little bit awkward and just like very isolated. So I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. So I know like how s****y that was. It wasn't easy. My mom didn't make it any easier. There are a lot of similarities there. So I'm really trying to avoid that. Being his reality. I think the benefit that I have is that I'm married. And like, I always tell me, like my husband, Eric was like, there is no divorce. One of us dies. Like, that's just what it is. 1 (19m 53s): So he's going to have like the benefit of like a two family household. And hopefully that'll like help brace the impact. I kind of like came to the conclusion and I don't know if it's just out of like self preservation or whatever, but that people are just going to filter themselves out. Right. So if there's people that are very judgmental and very, like, just critical of my choices and they're going to cast judgment on a child for, you know, the sins of the parent, then that's probably not someone that I want influencing my kid anyways. And you know what I mean? Like we raise our kids in such a way, like I hope to raise my kid very open minded, very compassionate, like a free thinker and just like a well rounded individual. 1 (20m 35s): So like that's, you know, his influence over his peers. And then if you have a parent that's a very rich and judgemental and just negative, they're instilling that into their child, unfortunately. And in that kid is going to affect his peers. So to me, I'm like, okay, well I guess it's just going to buffer out those people. And that's a good thing, but yeah, I say that now, but I guess we'll find out in like a few years. Right, 2 (20m 58s): Right. I'll come back on the show and a few years we'll revisit this. You know, what question I hate is when people make me a, one of the first things that they ask you is like, Hey, what do you do? So they're like, Hey Josh. And they're like, what'd you do hate that question 1 (21m 13s): Two. Okay. So I found, I always had this joke cause I'm like, it's very rude. Right. I find it very rude if you don't know the person on a personal level, but in LA, especially it's almost before even anyone asks you what your name is, is like, well, what do you do? Like how can you help me? Like, what connections do you have? 2 (21m 31s): How much money do you have? 1 (21m 34s): It was just such a personal question. And like your so much more than your job, no matter who you are. So why, I guess, why do you, why do you hate that question? 2 (21m 43s): Well, I used to hate it because I didn't know what I did. Right. I've had, I've had a lot of failures in my life. A lot of failures, you know, I've started up some businesses. I've lost my family's money. Multiple times. I cashed out of attention to build that technology, you know, a fitness technology company. It failed big time. You know, we'd done on food stamps on welfare. There's you know, like where you to hit the bottom of the barrel in a rock bottom, multiple times. When people in, in the middle of a transition, they'll see what to do. And I'm like, well, I'm working at a moving company that they bills or a mother in law or this or that. And I've had so many different jobs when someone says, who are you? I'm just sick of trying to figure out I'm a master of jockeying position and a marketing strategist. 2 (22m 30s): So like, I know how to make it sound like more important than I am. So in full transparency. But I hate it because I feel like they're not asking me. Josh, what's important to you. I feel like they're asking, what can you do for me? Are you rich? Where do you know? Are you saying this right there? They're asking me, should I hang out with you? Because where you stack on the social chain or on the financial chain? Not, not anything about Josh, they're asking me what's in it for them. That's what they're asking. That's why he did. 1 (23m 2s): I totally agree. So for me, I feel like I still get anxiety now, now for obvious reasons, when everyone's like, well, what do you do? Cause I'm like, Oh, do I spare them? The discomfort? Do I spare myself the discomfort? Or do I just say, I am like a homemaker? Like, what do I do? I would get so much anxiety. Cause I'm like, Oh, like I know that they're either going to judge me or they're not going to leave me alone for the rest of the night. It's like one of two things. And like, I might not be in the mood for either. So there definitely had a lot to do with like my own insecurities as to why I didn't like that question. And then I also agree with you. It's like also you're not asking like, am I happy? What my interests are? Like, there's nothing like really substantial about like what you do, right. 1 (23m 43s): For most people, like some people have really cool, fulfilling, like they're doing these nonprofits that they're super passionate about and like that's their life path. But for most people it's your work. Right. And there's so much more than just that one phase. If you will. I always get really frustrated to like, can we just skip that question? 2 (24m 0s): So sometimes when people ask me, so this is the closest I've ever gotten to work in, in, in your industry, people will ask me it was around my, you know, well, my father is alive and all his buddies were around. Right. And you know, like this is the time to impress your dad's friends. Right. And they go, so Josh would you do you know, I was doing pretty well. I was in real estate investments at the time we lost the Margaret money when the market crashed, which my dad's Men Men, we Men in construction and they're like, Josh do you do? And I'm like, I'm just a dancer. I just want to be advanced. And those guys were like, Oh, okay. And they changed the subject, like right away. 2 (24m 40s): And I was like, and then we moved on with a night, had some beers in, you know, but it was just so funny there question in my answer, change how they viewed me, my dad 1 (24m 50s): <inaudible> entirely. And you're like, this is so ridiculous. I always like kind of avoid it, especially with someone I don't know. And I'm never going to see again. And then they get really weirded out. They're like, it's a simple question. I'll say, Oh, well, it's really not. You don't really understand what you're asking. So we'll just move along when it comes to like questions and topics that you do on your podcast to find that there's like won that a lot of people, I guess like need help with, or need Advice with like a, is there like, or something that gets more demand than others? 2 (25m 21s): I mean, there's, there's popularity and demand. The popular ones are like, you know, when we talk about sex, right guys love talking about sex and Fein money and power, right? Like those are the things that guys like to talk about. So those are probably our main drivers in terms of popularity. But I think that the most impactful ones that I like to talk about, that the ones that have the biggest impact in my life, cause I'm asking the coaches at my desk, I'm asking them questions that I struggle with. I think the deepest struggle that a man has is his identity of who he thinks he is. I think that is the most important topic I like discussing because everything else has stacked on that. 2 (26m 2s): Like how do I think I am? I guess that's my answer. 1 (26m 5s): So what's your advice for, for crafting that person? I guess my husband actually went, we were just talking about it last night. For some reason he was saying that he used to hate that question as well. Like what do you do? Because especially as like a younger man, it's like, well, I don't f*****g know what I'm doing yet. I'm like, I'm still in college and trying to figure it out. And then it, you know, to kind of tries to force you to like make a decision in that moment. And I think everyone kind of struggles with a sense of purpose right now. I think that's why we see so much chaos happening everywhere is because when people act out in whatever way, it's because like that's their purpose in that moment. So I guess, how do you find your purpose? 2 (26m 42s): You find your purpose by finding your people. Okay. Your purpose is in your people. We always think like, OK, I'm looking through in my life and I'm seeing what I'm doing enjoy, you know, you know, you try to build a life around the activities, right? What, I'm good at what I can make money on. So we, we forget that ultimately we're all here to serve one another for you to make money doing something. You have to provide value of some sort, it to someone else for them to transfer a dollar into your pocket. So I think that that your purpose is in your people. So I would say for guys out there, like I struggled with this. I've had probably 30 to 40 different career shifts in my life. 2 (27m 25s): It sucks. And it's painful because I mean, well, okay, let me start back in and filling out resumes. And they're asked you to read in these stupid self help books. I've read them all and we're going to counselors and they're trying to tell you, Oh, you can talk. You should be an actor. He should be this. Or you should be that. Then you get shot to death. So I'm going to share with you should do, is find that the people that you actually enjoyed being with find out to people that you have a passion to serve and that we care about. So for me, like I grew up in a small business. I grew up with my dad dude, right? Man's man. He had never apologized for being the guy. He got arrested for his belief systems. He fought and in Vietnam war for a spoon systems, he got shot multiple times. 2 (28m 9s): And so here's a guy who had this belief system and didn't, didn't apologize for him. So, you know, I, I would say is find your people because if you find your people, you're gonna really think about how you can serve them and how you can help him. What's the highest level value of the brains. My people and my people cause growing up in a small business with my father, I found that all the struggles that they had, I just love serving guys like people like my dad. Cause I had just enjoyed being, if my dad, he enjoyed being around him, the construction sites with other net and other women to when I fought fires with him and I save lives for them. And I served with them and invested with him and the women, a great, I love right. 2 (28m 51s): But I just loved, I love working with you guys. I love small businesses, small business people or my people. So finding my purposes, I know my people and I get clear on who I like being with. I'll find ways to serve them and it's going to always feel good cause I'm hanging out with people. I enjoy. So that's my purpose keeps me going. The activity will change. You know like if you were a, a, a fax marketer back in 1980, so you don't have fax machines anymore. Right. You have a LinkedIn and a new program is coming up. So your activities will change for your people. You know, I think stay closer, tight over your lifetime. 2 (29m 32s): It, that might change too. But I would say that's how you find your purpose. 1 (29m 36s): And then do you think that with like, because a lot of States are still like on total lockdown, so how like what are some channels that you would tell specifically, like Men to try to use, to find like their people is right now? Like, you know what I mean? Like you can't like go hang out 2 (29m 51s): So tough. I think that the worst thing about this, this time 2020 is separation from other people, right? So like, you know, our church shutdown for a little bit. No, sir, those are my people. Right. We have the same belief system then. And most people, their, that I really did get along with and in my kids' school got to shut down. Then we were hanging out with when our kids, parents and other, other people. So like, I think the hardest thing of this was it put people in isolation and when guys get hurt, at least for me, when I get injured, self esteem insecurity a failure, my bank account, it goes into the red or whatever the case may be. I withdraw because I'm embarrassed and I'm hurt and I'm fearful. 2 (30m 35s): So I tend to go into isolation and then it just goes into a spiral. So how do you find people? Is, is the question is I would say, find out, you know, like first of all, kind of identify who they are. Like I like business people. So we're the business people hang out in virtually is LinkedIn, right podcast. Right. So I connect with a lot of podcast and I can have a good conversations, which makes me nervous because we were recorded and we, I can never take back when I say right. I think that finding your people find out who your people are and then find out where they hang out and you have to get a little creative today because the worlds on lockdown. And we were a little crazy that now, Oh, and if dudes are out there and you guys are in business world and you want to connect with me, find me on LinkedIn. 2 (31m 17s): Like, we'll hang out, Joshua, Bruce, Wilson search for me. There we'll have a cup of coffee virtually, or I like scotch. So find me a scotch and we'll check, you know, 1 (31m 26s): That's what I was going to ask. You're like very self aware. That's like, what I get like your you're you can say, like, I feel this and this is what, you know, put me in a negative spiral. Like you're not afraid to say like, I'm happy, sad, angry, fearful. How did you get so comfortable with identifying like your emotions and just, I guess, harnessing that self aware. 2 (31m 47s): Yeah. If you would of asked me that two years ago, different answer, I would say I'm learning, but there's also, and a lot of pain I spent my whole life, you know, being the tough guy, right. I thought fires I've wrestled. Alligators was, I was a fighter. It was a wrestler. I, you know, I was a tough guy and I thought that that was my identity. I thought identity was being able to carry everybody else, but nobody gets to carry me and I've failed a lot. Like I have to say that multiple times I'm a show like a lot in my failure's because of multimedia in because of social media, because of, you know, stuff, you can have people and see it, you know, it hurts that I started getting anxiety attacks back in 2017 cause of a, a bad partnership hurt me financially, lost a lot of money. 2 (32m 39s): I've had to go get coaches. I had a coach coming to kind of look me up, up the floor and to kind of walk you through some stuff, give you a lot of homework at them. A lot of work I'm going to counseling. And my wife and I have fun in marriage counseling. He made us print out a circle of feelings, right. I'm like, wow. I thought there were only three ceilings, you know, horny, sad and happy. Right. Or there's a lot of feelings. And I just didn't know what they were. Here's a tip for a guy's out there. Right. You have a lot of stuff going on in your head. You don't want other people to see it. I get that. Right. So if you don't want to share what it is, say this, say, you know, maybe to a partner or some. 2 (33m 21s): So I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, but feeling a little off, given me a minute to maybe put my thoughts together when I understand it better, I'll be able to explain better. So if you could do that, just saying, Hey, I have a feeling, but I don't know what it is. Like, I'll tell you like, alright, my wife, when I said that, the first time she goes, Oh, I get it. I'm like no sense to me, but she got it. Why or why does that make sense to women? Because it made no sense to me, but I was taught to say it. And now I just say it all the time, because to me 1 (33m 58s): It's showing effort, right? It's like saying that you're acknowledging that your not in your normal, neutral, whatever that might be and that you need time for, for like introspection or a reflection or whatever it is. So it's just acknowledging it. Right? So like, so many times like mental is to go, I don't know. Or I'm fine. And like, that's all you get. Like, I always would joke that my husband has like the emotional span of a teaspoon, like from Harry Potter. I'm like, we have to work on expanding this line. There's so many emotions and they're all okay to feel there's this book, the untethered soul. And it talks about feeling your feelings. And there is no such thing as a good feeling or a bad feeling. You just have to like, feel it, accept it and like, let it go. 1 (34m 42s): And then when you start to kind of like fight those things, it's like what, what you resist persists kind of idea. So like, if you are fighting that your feeling, you know, depressed or sad or angry, like that's just going to keep bubbling up and just keep exacerbating. So at some point you're and a half to tackle your problem, head on, otherwise it's going to get out of control. 2 (35m 2s): It will guys, guys listening in. And even ladies, your emotions will absolutely get out of control. If you cannot identify them in like, like you don't have to go through this whole process of dealing with him. Most of the time, most of the time, you just have to identify what's going on in You and walk yourself like my wife and I will do this. What's going on inside? Why potentially my phone, this is just identify, what am I actually feeling? What am I feeling? I'll tell you for guys too. A lot of times the, how we're taught to be Men it's a little awkward, you know, I was taught. Here's had to be a guy provided for your family, which I haven't been great at in times of my life had to finish a fight. 2 (35m 46s): Like, so what, my dad talked me with my dad, it was a bad ass guy. He had taught me how to fight. And so like how to descend and fight for what you believe in, in, but there's so many other things. And when I went through some major challenges, I had a guy who stepped in and he was very transparent about his feelings. And the first thing that caught came to my mind is this tiny is acting more feminine, right? Like I've never experienced this in my life, but he was like, Oh man, you must be really hurting. And I was what I was like, no, man, I'm good. I could stack on another 10 years of this kind of problem. But he was like, no, like Josh like it, that happened to me. I hurt my feelings hurt. 2 (36m 28s): I'm like, dude, you're talking crazy. But being around another guy, who's a manly man or whatever, or I kind of guy that you want to be around or be maybe right. But that's someone that you look up to that could go. Yeah. It makes me sad. When I feel rejected by my wife. If I don't get enough sex, I feel rejected. And that hurts my feelings. Right. It's hard to say that it's hard to say it makes me sad. If I didn't get the promotion, I feel rejected. I feel like they didn't value me. I feel sad if I didn't get that deal. Right. It makes me feel inadequate, impotent, powerless. 2 (37m 8s): That's so sad. If I get fired from a job, that's a worthless. I feel like my job is this and I'm not doing the good I feel behind and write. So those are the things that guys feel, but just a hard time saying it. So be around him, another guy who I can talk about that kinda thing to you, don't have to sit there and drink the tea and crumpets together. You can find a dude that you know, but you just don't talk about football all the time. Right. We can just go, Hey, can I talk to you about something? Like someone said this and it really bothered me. I don't know why they can chat with me about it. Y'all buy your stature the or something. So let's talk. 1 (37m 46s): That's great. Advice I think so the one common thing I always see with people that have done a lot of like growth is that they all kind of say they had like a certain amount of pain. And then at some point that was like intolerable in that kind of like focus or refocused to them to start improving and changing things. Cause they say like, you can't change people like people can only change themselves. So it's, I think it's really important for, I think anybody to realize like pain and, and shortcomings are normal and that it's actually like a tool that you can kind of use to catapult yourself into a better situation. And then I also noticed that a lot of people that are doing self improving have coaches, and I think that's so important. 1 (38m 28s): It's like one of those things where they say like, you go to therapy to get better. And then you see a coach to be, I think everyone needs one, especially if you're an entrepreneur or, or doing anything, starting a new business, whatever it is, it just helps you get to that exceptional point. So I think that's great advice, like finding a coach for sure. 2 (38m 48s): And the coach found a mentor when I leave to go to a church and find a, a pastor or like depends on what stage of life. And you know, like you can reach out to people that the thing is this guys, your ego's going to get in your way. You have to be able to go to someone and say, I need help. Can you help me? Or can you point me in the right direction? Can you introduce me to someone who could help me help hurting with this? I need to help with this. We helping, you got to be able to raise your hand, say I need help. That's going to be the biggest broke in the world is if you're willing to, to turn down your ego, just a little bit enough to capture wisdom, wisdom, whispers, your ego is yelling all the time. 2 (39m 29s): You gotta shut you up. You go down to listening. I just made that up. I think I might've read it somewhere. 1 (39m 34s): No. Yeah. I really liked that. I can relate with that a lot. I always say like, I have like a lot of masculine tendencies. Like I'm just like very alpha. So my ego at some point was a very out of control and it is something that I had at work on a lot. And I feel like, I think we said this on your podcast, but it's like someone said, like the ego gets to the book written. So you don't want to like completely like snuff it out. There is a purpose for it, but you want to like kind of be in control of it and like unleash that monster when you need two and then be able to like Kage it back up when it's not serving you for your best self. 2 (40m 5s): Let me ask you a question. When has your ego got you in the most trouble? 1 (40m 8s): Oh God. Hm. So for example, I would, was contracted to a company for a very long time. And like one of the reasons I kind of like chose my career path is I don't want to work for anybody. I don't want someone to tell me what to do when you show up how to do anything. I just like, don't respond well to that. And it like almost turns it on immediately. I almost become disagreeable like on purpose even though like, I might not agree with what I'm saying. I just like purposely want to go the opposite direction that you're telling me to go to just to like, exercise, like my autonomy, if you will. So there was like a lot of like overbearing, I guess, like ways that they tried to like handle me. So I would just like purposely act out and go onto social media and like, you know, like se this is happening and f**k the man and blah, blah, blah. 1 (40m 55s): And I ended up like losing my contract, but it was, it was, it ended up serving me. Well, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but yeah, it definitely like bit me in the butt. And I was like, Oh my God, how am I going to pay my bills? Like I just got fired. I'm going to be blacklisted. I can never shoot again. Like what did I just do all because I had to like prove a point, right? So sometimes you have to like, look 10 steps ahead and not like react emotionally. But yeah. That's like one example. Another example is like, I've always been like the primary breadwinner in the family, not to say my husband doesn't do well. He does very well in his own right. In his own arena, but I've just always done better. 1 (41m 35s): Right. So for a long time, like I had like a lot of Men would probably not, I guess be so accepting of like their women, like making more money than them. And he doesn't give a s**t. Like he was fine. He didn't care. He was like confident in his own skin, but I wasn't okay with that. So like, I was mad that I was making more money. So then that would cause fights with us all of the time. And he's like, what is wrong? He was like, you need to like calm down. Like, I don't care. You're the one that has the issue with it. And it was because I had these like traditional values that were instilled. Right. And I don't like, now that I like questioned those, I don't give a s**t. It just it's all of our money, its for our family, it doesn't matter how whose making the more, the most of it would ever. 1 (42m 19s): But yet my ego, like there was like this isn't okay. Right. Like I just like got too big and powerful and my own stupid mind. And then I started acting like a monster, but yeah, I think it comes down to questioning like your beliefs, right? Like it's like, anytime that there's a bad behavior, I would say that someone put an idea in your head at, you know, usually as a kid and you said, this is true without question. And like that now is your role. So you kind of go back enough steps and question like, well, why is this here? Is it serving me well? And does it need to stay here? I think you can kind of like grow that way. 2 (42m 52s): Yeah. Yeah. I think that the growth is actually taking a moment, turned it off the ego, listening to what's going on. Right. Because we're were really smart most of the time until we open them out. Right. So there's split things that are going on and bad things and we've gotta, we gotta be able to filter out. What's good. What is bad? What is that? A be quiet for a minute and you gotta listen and you got to turn off the email just for a second. Cause otherwise that is going to cost you. A lot of money is going to cost you relationships. It's going to cost you a lot. A lot. Your ego will get you into so much trouble. 1 (43m 26s): So you mentioned a business partnership that went wrong. Would you say that there was like a lot of ego with that? 2 (43m 30s): Oh yeah, absolutely. Sure. I'd love to talk about my failures. Thank you for bring it up. So I have, my daughter is seven and she's lived in seven different homes. We've gone through, like I said, hitting rock bottom, multiple times chasing what I felt was my purpose. Right? So my purpose is to invest in businesses and invest in people. Good intention. I had it for good reason. We don't live extravagantly. It was to serve others. Right? All good intentions. But I, my, my daughter's seven and she's lived in seven homes. I've dragged my family across the United States, chasing deals, chasing work. And there's been deals where I knew they were no good. 2 (44m 13s): Then my wife even said like, I don't want to do this. I'm like, no, you're coming with me last night. We were talking and I joked with her. She said, ah, it was about something that I said, yeah, I've got this new business idea. And she goes, what? It was like, I'm just kidding. Right? So like lots of business ideas, lots of things. But like my ego as drugged my family and not just me, right. It's mean it is one thing. But my ego has, you know, jagged my family and they have gone, you know, kicking and screaming at times. And that causes issues in my marriage. We had two, we didn't have two, but we chose to go to counseling and work through some of this stuff. And that just have learned that my guilt, my ego for me, and I've gotta, I've gotta a big one. 2 (44m 55s): I, that I don't have to do any air compressor or my ego to try to pump it up or competence. Right. Most of the time I got up like really shut it down because its, it is overpowering and my brain and it's all of a sudden Josh, if you could be, then you can drop off. The roof is not to hold it. You can invest in that. Your win now Josh, you can never lose. But I've learned that ego has lied to over and over and over and it's hurt me, my family. So now I'll listen to it and I go, okay, now stack it up against Advice from wise people. So I'll take that. And most of the time they're going ad, Josh really looking to, to do this or is it really just your ego trying to, you know, work for another venture capital fund or the private equity fund thing that any other pool job that makes you sound really important? 2 (45m 39s): Is that really why you're trying to do that? And I'm like, yeah, you're probably right. I'll go back to at the moving company or I'll go back to, you know, just serving small, you know, business owners who aren't served well. So ego gets in the way all the time, but now I listened to it and I just bring it in front of my advisors and then my guardians, you know, they, they protect him. 1 (45m 58s): No, that's really good advice. I think, I always say like your, not the little voice in your head. Right? Cause you can hear it. Right. Your listening to it. Like it's almost like this separate entity. So you have to have like that removal. Like you can't identify yourself as your thoughts. And then that's a really good way to like filter through like, OK, is this like intuition? Is this a really good hunch? Or is this just like a crazy little guy running around in my head? That's just telling me to look at something shiny. That looks good. Or that's gonna like give me that instant gratification, whatever it is. But usually it's not a good thing. So being able to separate yourself from that and then properly assess if it's the right path or not. 2 (46m 35s): Yeah, I think so. It's definitely saved me taking the, a much slower approach doing less, but doing it better. I'm learning, I'm going through stages and my life where I'm breathing for the first time or of certain things, you know, like I'm feeling deeply and I'm trying to be understanding. And I go to some of my guy friends or I'll read a book about it and I go, Hey, what's going on? Josh you're healing. Josh you're feeling this. And I go, Oh, okay. That makes sense. Why am I tired? Why be like the lack of motivation? Why am I anxious about this? Why do I get fearful? So I'm not the voice inside my head. Most of the time, I've just got to like chat it out with someone, read a book on it or listen to a podcast to talk to a coach about it. 2 (47m 17s): Right. I've got lots of coaches and a lot of people who helped me in a lot of friends that will take a phone call and I go, dude, I'm a mess right now. And they don't forget it let's go cha or I had, I had one guy just say, you're being a pansy right now. Like a cool man. I appreciate you telling me that. Like he was kinda joking, but he was sending, you know, he called me out and he's like, alright, too much emotion. Like, okay, cool. I'll get back up a little bit 1 (47m 40s): Lost in it. Yeah. I think it's, it's really important to like feel your feelings. Someone told me just the other day, like even crying, like releases oxytocin so that that's literally, it's like an emotional release and it helps you get over that like intense feeling that you, that you're experiencing. But there's a difference between like experiencing it and getting lost in it. And that's why I love that one book, the untethered soul, because it says like, you have to let it go like clinging onto any emotion, whether its good or bad will get you into trouble. So it's like very important to just like, feel it, release it and then move on. Yeah. 2 (48m 11s): Yeah. I agree with that. You know, for me, I've got to, I've got to leave every once in a while, like in terms of crying, but I'll tell you one of the funniest things that I really enjoyed doing this. I don't know why I'm telling me, me and my kids. We love watching, like America's got talent or the Britain's got talent or extra or whatever. We like watching those shows, but I'll tell you, I will cheer up when there is like an emotional, like someone who's really, really stands out and they did something like where they got to experience their gift and a full, a full, most of their joy and people or like cheering. 2 (48m 52s): And it was just like, they got to express their gift and people are cheering them. Like they get it. You know, people are finally accepting, right. That would make me to leave. My kids will be watching that. I love watching those kinds of things, but that's, that's one of my moments 1 (49m 7s): There was like this dance competition show that was on a while back and I would get the same way, like when you saw, so we just have that moment, like you could just tell and feel it and I would just get so emotional and Eric's like, what are you doing? Why are you crying 2 (49m 20s): For real? 1 (49m 24s): No, there's like a lot of times where I feel like I need like a good cry. Like I just know I need like that release in some way. And then like, I'll just like have a binge night of like watching like very sad movies just to get it how it's very therapeutic. I know like most men are like, what is she talking about? But it works. It works wonders for everybody. I'm telling you if you like have that pent up energy, put on like Marley and me or something and just go, Oh, okay. 2 (49m 50s): And I'm new to this crying thing. I'm new to this feeling thing. You know, I grew up on a construction site with the badass dad who he expected me. My dad was really rough on me. You know, I was really a good wrestler or a fighter. You know, I wrestled the alligators, fought fires, ran the, you know, deliver babies, worked with a SWOT, you know, defense of tax. So I'm a model. I'm a tough guy. And I've taken a lot of tips in the space, but I tell you, like, I can take a punch a lot better than I could take rejection or a broken bone or something like that. I could handle that a lot better than losing someone I love. And I just realized that that was a big gap in my life. My feelings and emotions write. 2 (50m 29s): So maybe the pendulum swung a little bit, one side or the other, but I tell you, like, I feel closer to my wife, my children, my community in my dad and other people. Right. When I am aware of what's going on inside, when I was so tough and wanted other people to think how tough I was. I'll tell you blocked out a lot of really good connections with people. It really, I lost out on a lot. I'm sure. 1 (50m 56s): What would you say is like one of them more like powerful books that you've read, that's a kind of helps you along the way. 2 (51m 3s): One of the books that I've read recently, my buddy actually runs this nonprofit. There are two books and now mind you, this, these are based on my, my belief systems. So, you know, as a Christian, you're supposed to say the Bible, but you know, like it's hard to read sometimes, but there's two books that I've read that really helps me understand a guy that can be transparent and vulnerable without the crazy right. But there was a book called ghost cafe in the cure. X of my administrators is a really cool, the truth. Is that a word? I think that those like really helps me understand how to talk about an issue and how God views your issues. But this is really cool. 2 (51m 44s): And then when I read another book about race, so a lot of stuff that God has a lot of grease on me. So therefor, I can have a lot of grace for myself and then I can have a lot of grace on other people. My kids will be like, when they're in trouble, they go, do we have grace? So you can have a various, but you're still getting spanked. 1 (52m 1s): Is that Bo's cafe? Is that the bitty in both? 2 (52m 5s): I don't know, but I don't think so. That was just a really good book about a guy who's really struggling in life. And he got with a community who was open. If you could talk about what kind of job they have, what kind of issues. But they were having him, there was no judgment. And that was the first time in the life that you experienced that. But it helped model for me how to talk with other guys or girls or people about what's going on inside my head to be transparent and authentic with the new shine, light on your problem's. It loses its power. It right. Especially someone to go, Ohh, I can help you do that. You know how many times I kept my palms inside and I'd try to fight do it at my own life. Just get to do it on my own. 2 (52m 46s): And then when I learn this, people will ask me and I'll start talking, how you doing it? I'm like, well, I'm struggling here. And we're like, Oh, I can help you with that. And then they just take it off my plate. Wow. That was awesome. But I'm so glad I did that. So glad I asked for help. I'm still glad I was honest and didn't go upgrade I'm Superman. I can handle anything. You know, 1 (53m 8s): I used to do a lot to do is just like, say that I could handle like everything and I don't need any help. And then that's like another example of where ego gets in the way. Cause you don't want to look like you need anybody else. And that you're like this strong, independent woman. And so yeah. 2 (53m 23s): Candice and then you realize 1 (53m 26s): Like your strength comes from like being vulnerable, right? Like that's like true strength is exposing yourself and saying like, I need help in whatever area. And that's okay. 2 (53m 35s): Yeah. What I found is that that's the, that's the beginning of wisdom, right. Is releasing that in, in the, the ultimate strength you have is in your strength, but also in your community strengths. Right? So together you can do a lot of people who believe in you and who will help you stand when he can't there's there's, there's a major power in that people could open doors for you that could help you. That could lift you up. You could do the same for them and you should. It's reciprocal. That's the community. 1 (54m 8s): I totally agree. Couldn't agree more. So do you believe in like fate and destiny? 2 (54m 12s): Be honest. I don't know. I think I do, but I don't know. 1 (54m 15s): So what would you say if you had to like come up with your life's purpose or your mission statement, what would that be? 2 (54m 23s): So I would say that there's different avenues for it, but ultimately my job is to look, got enough people write. So that's my overarching umbrella, right? So if there's anything that falls outside of that, it's probably not in his own, the business world it's to really help businesses like small businesses, the local businesses, you know, help them get through some of the struggles so that they can spend more time with their family spend more time maybe, you know, in a hire more employees or for the business side. So I think that that's my business purpose, but that just really wanted to be a good dad, a good husband. Right. Even if we just scoot by financially, it's a lose all my money. I'm a good dad, a good husband, a good friend. 2 (55m 6s): Like that's my that's, that's my purpose. Be a really good community guy, husband, father, son, friend. That's my purpose to be really, really freaking good that day. That's fine. 1 (55m 16s): That's beautiful. Yeah. Well you wanna tell our listeners where they can follow you support you. 2 (55m 22s): I'm sure. So guys, if your in business, are you guys and gals, if you are in business and you know, you wanna talk shop about business or even about, you know, like feelings and emotions and coaching or anything like that, we can, you can go on LinkedIn. You know, Josh with Bruce Wilson to do a search on my podcast is Uncensored Advice for Men. My cell phone is three, five to two, seven for four or five. You can text me to say, Hey, her John, Candice his show and want to talk with you about this? And you know, like I always say, reach out to a guest and then reach out to the host and just say, Hey, thanks for this. So like Sam Candice is an awesome messaging thinks, you know, and send me a message saying, Hey, this is what I need help with you in the right direction. 1 (56m 4s): Awesome. I love it. Well, thanks again for coming on. I really appreciate You that's it for this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you have the time please rate and review and you can always hit subscribe to stay up to date with our latest episodes. I hope to have you back 0 (56m 20s): <inaudible>.