$147 OnlyF*ns DJ Reveals Her 3-Strike Dating Rule | Kristin Elise

0 (0s): I've met people that are like the almost picture perfect person, but they want me to settle down and become a wife right now. 1 (5s): Do you find that dating guys that you have to navigate jealousy a lot. 0 (11s): I've never been single and had only fans since this is new territory for me. Oh that's 1 (15s): So hot. Like when you have a guy who's just dangerous, it's so hot. Whoever my 0 (20s): Future husband is, please be a little scary if 1 (22s): You speak to your man like a fool or a king. He is. Right. So whichever one that you're addressing him is what you're kind of bringing out in him. 0 (29s): I was definitely emasculating and, and I was mothering a lot. I have this rule now with dating three strikes. You're out. Like if I see three major issues, red flags or just like misalignments, I won't do it. 1 (43s): How does someone that's never experienced kink or kink play, like how do you start 0 (48s): For me? I, 1 (55s): It's good to see you. Hi. Last night was really fun. 0 (59s): Last night was very fun. Yes, we got a lot of extra wine. 1 (1m 3s): We did. And that's your fault entirely 0 (1m 5s): My fault. 1 (1m 7s): Entirely. 0 (1m 8s): Princess treatment. You, 1 (1m 9s): We were talking about that like the becoming the person or like channeling the person that you wanna be and saying this is the life that I want. Attracting it in instead of forcing that. And then last night was such a good example of just that and you walk in and this waiter is just enamored with you. We were just getting like bottle after a bottle of wine and free desserts for fruit for 0 (1m 35s): Free 1 (1m 36s): And I think he was gonna pull up a chair at some point. 0 (1m 39s): He told us his life story. 1 (1m 40s): Yeah, it 0 (1m 42s): Was, 1 (1m 42s): It was good. And I I saw that about you. I was like I bet you have the same superpower that I do. Which is Oh yeah. People just come and just unload everything. Yes. And immediately total strangers and you have their deepest darkest 0 (1m 55s): Secrets. A I know a lot of deep dark secrets for a lot of strangers. 1 (1m 58s): What do you think that's about? 0 (2m 1s): You know what it is that I think is that I make people feel safe and I have this energy about me that makes, because I'm so authentically me, I think that it gives people a permission slip to be like, oh, I can actually just like be myself and this person is not scary and they seem like they can hold a lot. I don't know, maybe it's 'cause I feel maybe they think I can hold a lot. I don't know. Yeah, if it's like an energetic bucket or something I'm carrying 1 (2m 34s): But it's gotta be, yeah 0 (2m 36s): Something. I definitely have had this my entire life though, where I always, people just dump their stuff and I'm just like here 1 (2m 46s): And 0 (2m 46s): I don't, I don't mind it actually. No. I like connecting to humans in the real authentic experience. So it, it doesn't bother me at all. I actually thoroughly enjoy it. 1 (2m 54s): I prefer it to the small talk. Yeah, right. So someone comes up to you and they just say something crazy. And I was on this flight one time and this flight attendant, he was probably in his late sixties, like former military dude and he was talking to me about how he got out and he had to take care of his mom and then she recently died and he took this like just like how he has felt lost and never felt that sense of like danger and adventure and he doesn't know what to do with his life anymore. And I was like, this is so much more interesting than like the weather, right? We talking about, I don't know, like baggage delays or whatever. I can't do that surface level. Like I come off as socially retarded. I'm deep waters. 0 (3m 28s): Yeah deep waters. I don't know how to navigate the surface level conversation sometimes it makes me really uncomfortable. So I would rather just talk about the nitty gritty of life. 1 (3m 37s): How does that work with dating? So we were talking about dating last night and you're like, it's really hard. I'm like, if you is hard, hard, you think it's hard. What chance does anyone else have is it's hard for who? 0 (3m 49s): It is hard. And I would say the reason I think it's hard is because a lot of people right now, I feel in today's world, at least if you're in your mid thirties, from what I've gathered talking to other friends too, it seems like we're, we've all been through a lot of relationship trauma. We've all had our own issues. So we all have a lot of baggage. Some of us have unpacked a lot of it, some people haven't unpacked any of it. So for me, dating is hard. It's hard to find somebody. That's what I mean. It literally says in the Bible being equally yoked. I believe that being spiritually equally yoked is important, but I also don't fit in a religious box because I am a Christ follower but I'm spiritual so I'm more of the mystic, 1 (4m 38s): Mystic Christianity. 0 (4m 39s): Christianity. So that's a bit confusing for some people. And then that's like a big thing for me is finding somebody that can even understand all of that part for myself. And then another part is also the maturity level of what I've developed. Are they on the same page? Am I on the same page as them? Because sometimes it could be the opposite where maybe they're far more advanced than I am and I just can't comprehend their level. That one's more rare these days because I've done a lot of work, read a lot of books, done a lot of therapy, taken a lot of courses of, of trying to figure this self out. And I think that that makes it a little more challenging because now I'm like very aware of myself and I want to find that kind of partner that can, you know, pick up what I'm putting down. 0 (5m 30s): Like let's, let's make sure we're seeing it the same horizon. We have goals and we're both driven. So it's trying to find the timing of that too can be an issue. Like sometimes like I'm in a phase right now where I'm like grinding my career growing. That's not for everybody. Yeah. Some I've met people that are like the almost picture perfect person but they want me to settle down and become a wife right now. I can do that in like a year or two, but I still need my year or two to like spread my wings and fly because I went into a deep cocoon season. So it's also timing I think too is a major factor when it comes to, so it's, I would say spiritually being the same timing and also like having similar backgrounds of like what you like to do. 0 (6m 19s): Those things are really important in dating too. So it's like if somebody is a nine to five works super hard in a corporate world and then they go party like crazy on the weekends and that's their cycle. I might not vibe with that because I'm more of an adventurous, I do like to party and have fun, but I like to do it in an adventurous travel way. And I'm also a dj so for me it's like work. So that can kind of be a little tricky. And I also don't wake up at nine in the morning. I 1 (6m 49s): Know we were trying to come up with times and YiIVEM had to shuffle stuff around. I was like, how's nine? And then you didn't respond for a long time. I was like, nine's probably not. No let well I'm not a 9:00 AM girl. And I know that with your DJ schedule it was a big ask for 0 (7m 1s): Sure. Yeah. So I mean I DJ'ed until five 30 in the morning on Friday. So 1 (7m 6s): See that's close. I'm like up at five or six. Yeah. Yeah. 0 (7m 10s): So my schedule's a little flip flopped. 1 (7m 13s): Do you find that dating guys that you have to navigate jealousy a lot? 'cause you have a huge social following. You're obviously beautiful, you're working in nightlife, you're a musician. So all of these things garner a lot of attention. Is that, has that been tricky to navigate? It's been 0 (7m 29s): An issue definitely. Yeah. I would say even more so the OnlyFans part has been interesting 'cause I didn't have OnlyFans before when I was with my ex-husband. We started it together and I still have it now, but now I've, I've never been single and had OnlyFans this, this is new territory for me. And it's interesting because I'm very upfront, I'm like, hey this is what I do. You could probably see some super saucy content of me on the internet. And I tell them and I am try to be straight no chaser about that. But it seems like certain people can handle that. There are a lot of guys that I think it's hot. 0 (8m 10s): They're like, I keep, I think it's like funny, I keep laughing with my friends. I'm like, I keep attracting like the guys that are like into hot wiping. And I'm like, that's an interesting thing. What is that about myself that I keep? So 1 (8m 20s): It's hot wiping for the listeners. 0 (8m 22s): So hot wiping is a win. You have a partner, a hot wife who is hot and you don't get jealous at all. You actually get turned on by the competition. Whether that goes all the way to her actually being with somebody else and there's like a swinger situation or it could just be like a fantasy. There's, there's a range. Some people go all the way, some people don't. But I have experienced that and in my, in my past relationship and it's interesting 'cause I definitely still attract that. And I'm not opposed to it. I, it's not that I don't like it, I do like it I think. 0 (9m 2s): And I, it's interesting 'cause I'm like, I do like it, right? Because I, now that I'm single, navigating, okay, what was mine? What of that container did I actually like that I can own and bring into other relationships? But it's interesting 'cause it's like the jealousy part. Yes, YiIVEM, I've definitely dealt with that. But equally I keep attracting this 1 (9m 27s): People that are open to it, 0 (9m 29s): Which I would prefer someone that's like, oh my gosh, she's on stage, she's super hot. Like even if it's not going all the way to sleeping with somebody else, at least being able to appreciate me as like the star. 1 (9m 44s): Yeah. And that can be hard for some men, right? If the woman is getting a lot more attention or if she's more like notable like has yeah. More followers or is more famous or whatever word you wanna use. Like that can be really hard for a lot of guys as well. Yeah, 0 (9m 57s): I think so 1 (9m 58s): Too. And then the money element too, which we were talking about last night complicates things a lot because yeah, you can think that you are both in this place that is evolved beyond like our evolutionary needs for the man to be the provider, right? Like that he's breaking, bringing home the bacon, right? Yeah. Like he's the provider and then if you have that swapped, both people can think that we're so enlightened it doesn't matter. But it does show up in sneaky ways. It does. And at least in my experience. Yeah, 0 (10m 26s): Same. And it's, it's one of those factors to consider too, when I'm dating I'm like, okay, well I know what I have now and I know where I'm going. So it's also like part of me has felt, do I just continue to like protect my energy and like go on dates and experience dating and you know, let let it be a slow build thing because I, I feel like six months to a year from now I could be in a totally different category of life. I feel that for myself I'm manifesting that. And for me, what's that gonna be like? Because it's like I, I'm already at a certain level, I'm growing my music career, I'm working my butt off to show my talents and that only comes with more like in the upper echelon of life. 0 (11m 17s): But that also is a factor in like, okay, can somebody appreciate me now and go with me and not be intimidated by that? Do they have their own, even if they didn't like say I I end up being the one that makes the most, that's fine as long as they're like providing in other ways. And I think that that's where we are in an interesting place in society because we have a lot of women who make a lot of money in today's world. So it's like how can the masculine provide, even if it's not just financial. 1 (11m 49s): So what does that look like to you? 0 (11m 51s): I feel like if, if I was in a situation like say my hopes and dreams come true and I like blow up with my music career, like private jet status, that would be really cool for sure. Yeah. Hopes and dreams. If that happens, I'm obviously gonna be at a level, A level financially where I don't need somebody to pay my bills 'cause I can pay my own bills. So if that's happening, I would hope that my husband has something for himself. But I also hope that he has the freedom to just like come along with me. Like can he provide safety for me? Like literally not letting people mess with me, which we talked 1 (12m 28s): About last night and I'm like, oh that's so hot. Like when you have a guy who's just dangerous, it's so hot. Yeah. 0 (12m 35s): I want the whoever my future husband is, please be a little scary. Not to me 1 (12m 41s): Yes to everyone else 0 (12m 43s): Because it's, I don't know, it's like as a, I can be a tough girl, like I can put on that front but also like I wanna be shielded. I, I like that. And I think that that is also provider energy. And I also think it's still like the masculine men can do so much as far as planning dates, planning things, planning trips, doing all the, that part is still provider energy. Even if they're not fitting the full bill, if it's a, even if it's a split situation, like doing the effort energetically is a provider energy. And I think that that is also lacking a lot because I hear it all the time. Like they're like, oh like my man never does anything for me. 0 (13m 23s): Like he never buys me flowers, he doesn't do these things. It's like that is not just a financial situation. That's also like laziness. 1 (13m 32s): Yeah, that's, that's hard because as at least for me, like as a woman, if I have to tell you to do it, it takes away, it takes it away the whole point. Like I'm like I want you to buy me a, you know some flowers. Yeah. Or a random gift or I want you to like randomly grab me and kiss me. Yeah. It takes away the authenticity of it. Oh for sure. But then there's also this school of thought and a lot of this is Alison Armstrong kind of work. I love her work, which she's amazing. But there it's like you have to take everything with a grain of salt 'cause nothing's absolute. So you can, you speak if you speak to your man like a fool or a king, he is right. So whichever one that you're addressing him is what you're kind of bringing out in him. 1 (14m 12s): But at some point, like if he constantly is the like the fool or he's ignorant to your needs Yeah. Then like what do you do if like especially if you are addressing him as the king and you are trying to ignore the bad behavior and want the him to rise to the occasion not necess, that's not necessarily going to happen. So I guess yeah, in relationships, when do you decide if like if he actually is the fool or if he's the king or if you are the one that's emasculating him, right? Yeah. 0 (14m 41s): Stance. Well that's something I had to look at too with my last relationship. 'cause I did realize I was doing that part. I was 1 (14m 47s): Emasculating, 0 (14m 47s): I was definitely like emasculating and, and I was mothering a lot and that kills the polarity. 1 (14m 53s): Yeah. Right there. 0 (14m 53s): And that was something I had to look at. Okay, why? Why was I not leaning back? It's like that feeling of, I didn't feel safe enough to let 'em do it. 'cause I was like oh I'll just do it myself And YiIVEM, a lot of women do that. Yeah. Which oh I can just do it myself. I'll do it better. Oh like and then it becomes like the nagging and stuff like that. And that's stuff that I had to look at myself and say okay well what is the step before that that prevents that from happening? And I think it comes down to like making sure when you're in the dating realm that you're choosing a partner that's actually showing up like that from the beginning and not 'cause people show you who they are. 0 (15m 37s): Yeah. I mean maybe 90 days you pretty much figured it out. So for me, I like to take things way slower now. I don't rush anything anymore. I used to like head dive right into 1 (15m 51s): I'm so in love, let's just do 0 (15m 52s): This stuff. Yeah. Like I like li the term RINs like falling in like love and being enamored and like pedestal somebody. I don't do that anymore. I have shifted that. So now I'm on the pedestal. I know who I am, what I want and I try to sit in that and I let people show me who they are and what they're doing. And then if they're not gonna do the things that I want, I have to say, okay, is that okay with me or is this not a good match and is it worth a conversation or not? Because sometimes it's not even worth the conversation. 1 (16m 26s): Yeah. I think if it's a fundamental difference or the idea that a relationship is built on a foundation, then everything else kind of is second to that. Like you have to have a solid foundation. As long as those things are in order, then everything else can kind of get sorted out or worked on. And for me, foundational things are values, principles and connection and values and principles you can work on together. And those might change over time and as you have kids and as you get older and like life comes at you. But connection is one thing to me that I don't know can be worked on. Right. And I've been in a place where I have done all of these retreats and I've read the books and I've done the coaching and the counseling and like the sex magic and I definitely wanna talk to you about your tanha practices. 1 (17m 12s): Yeah. Because there's a lot of, a lot of people in the spiritual community especially, they're like, you can, you can make yourself fall in love and be connected to anyone. And I don't believe that that's true. I think, I think you can have enjoyment. Like you can maybe find a place where you can temporarily enjoy a person. Right. In that in that level. But when you're doing nothing like most of your life with someone, it's not doing anything. Right. It's like mundane stuff around the house and it's work and it's not, it's not like Disneyland or The Bahamas or like Right. These things that are that get you and your family excited and can be magical. 'cause that's easy to fall in love there. Yeah. That that's easy to see the best in the person and be like, oh this is so fun. 1 (17m 55s): Yeah. But I don't know that if the connection is gone, like that polarity, that attraction, I don't think that that's something that can be worked on. So with your work with tantra and like yeah sacred sexuality, that kind of thing, what's your take on? Is that something that can be cultivated or it's kind of it's gotta be there or it's not? 0 (18m 15s): I think it can be cultivated if both parties are fully indulged in the work. And that is not easy because it could take years. Like if you are out of touch with your own pleasure and you're trying to find that just for you, that could be a year, like several year process because you might be unpacking sexual trauma, you could be unpacking mommy daddy issues that are somehow stifling you. Purity culture is one thing that a lot of people struggle with too to overcome in various different religions. So I think it just depends on the person. But if you're a couple and like one person's doing the work, you're gonna go like this. 0 (18m 59s): If you're both doing the work, I think you can build that and you're just gonna have to be patient and take the time to do that. But it, they both people have to choose for themselves to do the inner work. If one person's like I'm doing the work and the other person is doing the work for that person, I don't know if that works either. Because then that person that's doing the work only because of the other person is gonna end up with resentment. And resentment also kills polarity. So you have to, 1 (19m 24s): So what if there's not polarity though? So no, we talked a little bit about David D's work and I'm like trying so hard to get him on the show but he doesn't respond. I love all of his books. Yeah. From what I've read with his stuff, it's, you basically are born into this world with a charge. So it's either feminine, masculine or neutral and then through life, like for me for example, this is like a wonderful ex wonderful example. I have a feminine core 100%. But be through my like childhood and like a lot of abuse and being the oldest of three and having to kinda having that parentified relationship with my mom, I've developed these masculine shells. So I would always be told by like certain people in relationship that I was too masculine and I wasn't allowing the guy to be masculine. 1 (20m 12s): But then around other people they're like, you are the most feminine person I've ever met. Like you're so soft and open and all of these things. So you have to like peel back these things that actually aren't you. And then there's still that core. Yeah. So even if I come off as masculine, I still would technically need a a masculine charge 'cause my core is feminine. Yeah. Right. So if that's the case, which I don't know if you like subscribe to that thought that you have one of those three. Yeah. If you 0 (20m 39s): Are, I think that that would make sense. I don't, I need to read more about it. So 1 (20m 42s): Like if for example, like you had a feminine, the idea is like she would never, when I say she, 'cause most of the time the feminine is a woman, right? It's about 10% that it's actually a man. But she would need a masculine, like a feminines not gonna work with a neutral. Like neutrals tend to work best with neutrals or with masculine. 0 (21m 0s): Yeah. I definitely, for myself, I need a masculine, I have to have that. I feel like because I, I sexually I am attracted to women, but as far as romantically, there's that masculine energy missing. And I've even thought to myself, okay, well like what if I was with a more masculine woman? And even that isn't, I don't know what it is about an actual biological man that, I mean I, maybe it's just my natural biology that's just like, yeah, that's what I want. And maybe that's what it is. But it, it's a, it definitely could be a confusing topic because it's like if somebody is like this conversation of the different polarity, maybe that's where some of this like gender identity issue comes from. 0 (21m 46s): Mm. Or maybe like you said, the 10% of masculine or feminine, 10% of feminine or masculine. And then there's the neutral category that could be like kind of a driving factor for that. So it is an interesting topic for sure to talk about how one's, one identifies. But also then you have, like you said, the environmental factors that cause you to act more. 'cause I've definitely had moments, I'm very feminine, but I've also had a lot of moments where I've had to act more masculine because I had to step up and protect myself and then learning to not be so masculine. But I also am personally like a believer in like the inner divine union of the masculine and feminine energies. 0 (22m 27s): YiIVEM. I feel more so that everybody has both. 1 (22m 31s): I think we both have both and 0 (22m 32s): People lean more towards one or the other. Yeah. But like for me, like one of my, one of my friends we have this thing, so how much are you in your inner mommy, daddy or baby? Mm. It's so, it's like not just masculine and feminine, it's also like your inner child. And there's been seasons where I've been super baby, where I'm like, I'm in my inner child and I just, everybody take care of me. Love me. Like I've had that season when I was going through like heartache, I was in my cocoon, I was in my inner baby and then bringing back online my inner daddy and my inner mommy, it's like, okay, how can I mother myself and father myself and make sure I'm taking care of myself, nurturing myself, but I'm also having structure in a system to flow in my life and I'm keeping myself accountable. 0 (23m 17s): Those are more like a little more masculine trait. So it's like you, you can be super feminine but if you don't have a container to hold it in now you're just a puddle on the floor. So I feel like, and if you're just a child, you're kicking and screaming. So it's like you have to kind of have a balance there. And I think that even bringing in the inner child picture is important to you because that is a foundation of who we are too. And for the longest time I neglected my inner child and I felt like I couldn't fully be myself. Mm. Because my inner, I mean I have this picture of myself and I'm six and I'm like at a cheer camp and I'm like winning the spirit award at cheer camp at age six. And I have this like pink polka dot bandana and like a tutu on and I'm like very like I'm me like and that I connected to that version of myself through therapy and really just asking her what she needed and she needed to be seen. 1 (24m 8s): So were you doing parts work? 0 (24m 10s): Yeah. And that helped me a lot. So it's, it's, I feel like it's not just like a one path discovery of the self when it comes to like figuring out that polarity part because I think there's also other factors like the inner child part I think is important to me anyways because I feel like if someone's out of touch with their inner child, that can show up in a very wounded way as an adult. Even a lot of men that were really like, I mean a lot of grown men now when they were young boys were like, don't cry, don't do this. Just keep going. Like if they fell down, their dad was like, no cry, be a tough guy. And now they're grown men and they don't know how to deal with their emotions because their inner child is neglected. 0 (24m 52s): So I think that's also a factor to consider too. And like when you're identifying your full self and how you show up. And I also think if you're out of touch with your inner child and it's wounded and then you're in a relationship that's gonna come out and I forget what the name of the doctor was, it's a book I read, I'll have to send it to you. But basically he was talking about how in adult relationships when you're in that space, it's basically each other's inner child trying to get their needs met. And if you can look at each other in the middle of a fight as I'm just a child inside that's hurting and I have these unmet needs that I need to face and yes I'm gonna face them with myself, but can you also see me? 0 (25m 33s): And that can be like a huge key to unlock that synergy of a healthy relationship. So it's interesting. 1 (25m 42s): No, yeah, it makes a lot of sense. There's this idea, Goor mate talks about it a lot and he says the parent, like you, you basically are always looking for your parent in romantic relationships. So boys will look for something that reminds them of their mother and girls will look for something that looks like their father. And if that was an unhealthy dynamic that you have to bring conscious awareness to it 'cause you're gonna kind of be stuck in this pattern. What I see a lot is people seeing or referring to the shadow is inherently negative. Right? So youngian psychology, this shadow is just your unconscious drivers. It's not necessarily bad, but for some reason it's been co-opted to to mean negative. Yeah. Right. 1 (26m 22s): And it's not, it's, it's just you have these things that kind of influence your behavior and your decisions. You're not aware of it. And like 90% of your brain is unconscious, subconscious. Right. So you need someone else to pull up that projection for you, like this is what I see. And then be able to take that criticism or that insight like don't take it personal. Yeah. And then you say, do I wanna keep this or do I wanna adjust this basically? So let's say you are looking for dad, but there's good qualities in that. So it's not necessarily bad, you just have to look at, are these relationships serving me? Am I in a better place? Am I a better person when I'm in these relationships? And yeah. 1 (27m 2s): Yeah. I think it's tricky 'cause how do you, how do you from your perspective know if you are making like exercising free will, which I don't think most people do most of the time. Yeah. I think it's very hard to do, especially if you know anything about priming and psychology. Like it's, it's actually really tricky to be in a space where you're truly making a decision from free will or if you're making a decision based off of unconscious patterns or self-sabotage. Yeah. Like how do you know when, as when you're making those choices. That's, 0 (27m 31s): I think that's really hard to do. And I think it takes a lot of self-evaluation and also slowing down. I think that a lot of people do things really fast because we have this like sense of we're running outta time. Especially as you get older, it's like if you're in your thirties and you're dating, you're like, oh my tac Talk. Like if you, especially if you have like, I haven't had kids yet. I'm 31. I'm like, but I have to run myself slow down. Like with today's modern technology, I could have kids up until I'm 40, I'm good. And that has been a big thing for me of not going so fast that I can't evaluate what's happening and recognize those patterns. 0 (28m 12s): When I slow down. I'm a lot better at it. But it's taken me to actually figure out what are my patterns. YiIVEM had to do a lot of therapy, journaling, lots of courses, lots of book reading and literally self-evaluation of okay, what, what is it that I'm doing? What pattern? I clearly have some patterns. 'cause if you look at like my dating history, it is a lot of patterns and I had to kind of pull back and take some time to myself to just evaluate what's going on here, why do I keep kind of rinse and repeating. Even with friendships too, there was like a cycle I was in with some friendships and I was like, okay, what is that all about? And just taking a deeper look at where I was maybe people pleasing or choosing to neglect me in order to feel like I fit in. 0 (28m 59s): So like for me, when I was a teenager, I felt like I had a hard time fitting in 'cause I was like an emo cheerleader in a small town school that I just, 1 (29m 7s): Same, same. Didn't make 0 (29m 8s): Sense. I didn't really fit anywhere. Like I kind of fit but not really. So I always felt displaced. I also was dealing chronic illness, so a lot of people didn't understand me 'cause I was sick a lot. So I was like, I would miss a lot of school. So I was like, I was, my sense of belonging that really was a struggle for me. So as an adult that has showed up in various ways where sometimes I've maybe self-sabotaged in certain ways or said yes to things I wouldn't have normally said yes to. Or even like kind of molded myself to fit into what I thought people wanted me to be. And really just going through this, like I went through this really big death and rebirth season the last couple of years and letting all these layers fall away and just choosing like, okay, I'm, I'm gonna be me and I'm gonna evaluate who I am, like studying myself. 0 (29m 59s): Like through astrology, human design therapy, you know, going back into my inner child, literally YiIVEM moved back in with my family, which was huge for me for a period of time to just get back to my roots, to discover me again without all the noise. My parents live in a small town, so it was like not a lot of social outside interaction. So it was very more isolated into my cocoon. And that allowed me to see myself in a huge way. And then as I've navigated like, you know, spreading my wings again and coming back, back online, after I took that time off of basically life, I realized how much, there was a lot in my life that wasn't aligned, that I wasn't choosing. 0 (30m 42s): And that it's like I was choosing it but it wasn't like my highest self in charge saying, yeah, I'm using my free will to be in this situation. And so then I had to kind of pull back and just take things slower. My life is still very fast. But as far as like doing relationships, I try to just not put the cart before the horse. I try to just let it lead itself and I take things for what they are. If I see something that I don't like, I name it to myself. I have this rule now with dating three strikes. You're out. Like if I see three major issues, red flags or just like misalignments, I, I can't, I won't do it and I will just be like, hey, like it's just not working for me and I will move on because I'm not, I don't wanna waste time anymore. 0 (31m 32s): It's like I want to take my time, but I don't wanna waste my time with the wrong person because I feel like life is too short to try to force something if something's not naturally flowing and those like core values aren't aligned and the respect isn't there or you know, those, those major flaws. Like for example, like I can't be with somebody that doesn't understand that I have an OnlyFans Right. And I'm not gonna have it forever. But if they can't understand that that's what's helping me fund my entire music career, like what am I supposed to do there? You know, that's not gonna 1 (32m 3s): Work. Right. You can't undo it either. So now that it's already done, it's no. And 0 (32m 6s): I'm not gonna be shamed for what I've done. Right. Like it's just, you can love that I'm a wild, crazy woman or not. It's kind of just like a, I'm at a, I'm so happy with myself too that I'm like, I'm not in a rush to have somebody there that codependency is gone for me. Which is so huge. 'cause I used to be extremely codependent. 1 (32m 28s): See, mine was always the opposite. I have been toxically independent. Ah, yes. I'm one of those. So when you talk about how you've had seasons of being in baby or in her child, I'm like, I can't relate at all. 'cause I don't, even from my first memories, like my first memories I was about year and a half. And even from then I was always like myself, like I've got this and I've got everyone around me. I kind of had that feeling. So even from baby, I've never been baby. So for me that was not, not available at all. That's interesting. 0 (33m 3s): Have you ever explored like submissive kink? 1 (33m 6s): I would think I would love that. I have never been with like a dominant man, which is also like, it's this thing I'm now currently navigating. I have never been with a dominant man in like a relationship. And, and then I wonder why it doesn't work. You know? And we go back to the polarity. But that's because I, I need someone who can handle me. I need someone who can like, and I think that's, that also goes to the role of what masculinity actually is. When we talk about providing it's not money, like short, that's easy. That's like low hanging fruit. 0 (33m 37s): Yeah. That's one tiny part of it. 1 (33m 38s): No, it's like you are supposed to be the rock that the feminine crashes on, right? Yeah. Like they're the rock and you are the wave. Yeah. And I think the job of the woman is to kind of test the strength of the man and the job of the man is to hold space for the woman. Yeah. 0 (33m 53s): I always say to be an oak tree, like if I ever gave men the number one piece of advice is if your woman is upset, just sit there like an oak tree, plant your roots and just let her have her storm a storm and then the storm's gonna calm and then she's gonna lean against you and she's gonna be like, I'm sorry. 1 (34m 10s): And 0 (34m 10s): It might, it might last 10 minutes. Yeah, 1 (34m 13s): No, I agree. And it's, it's like, don't try to fix it. No. Most of the time women don't want that, but no. Yeah. So yeah, fiercely independent. And for some reason I think that's always been my pattern is like finding men that are not necessarily like in their masculine or they're in a neutral or even in like in a feminine. And that's why I was asking like, can you, can you change polarity or can you fix it? 'cause I don't, I don't think so. I I do agree. Like both people need to be in it and if, if not, like there's zero chance, there's zero chance of both people are acting. Yeah. 0 (34m 45s): I think there's some people that, like for example, if if we're going into the kink space Yeah. Like some people are not going to feel confident enough to be a dom. 1 (34m 55s): So how do you, how does someone that's never experienced kink or kink play? Like how do you start? Is there like a book? Is there a course? Do you hire 0 (35m 4s): A dom? There's actually young, there's, so there's, there's a book called Topping and Bottoming that's like a basic, there's a lot of books. There's BDSM books. And for me, I, it kind of naturally started like, it was just like partners like me being like, I wanna do this. And like seeing how far they would go with me. And then my ex-husband was very dominant in that way. So that was like my first like full do experience and I liked that. But then I also realized like when I'm with a woman, for example, I like to be dominant. And then recently I see that for you, I, I went to Art Basel and I went to this ChAARI event. 0 (35m 43s): There's a woman named Rena Trevor, she's actually based in Austin. She's a ChAARI artist. And she was actually the model and a woman, I forget what country she's from. Was this 1 (35m 51s): The thing with the ropes that you posted? Yes. 0 (35m 53s): Okay. Yeah. So ChAARI is the rope tying. Okay. So she suspended her and another woman up onto this, like, it looks like a big log hanging from the middle of the room. But when we first got to the event, there's a sign on the door that says you have to take your shoes off. And a man was there and he was like, I like stood there for a second and I had these little like, dainty sandals on and I was like, oh, I have to take my shoes off. And he's like, do you want me to help you? And I was like, yeah, that'd be lovely. And so he gets down and literally takes my shoes off from me and then he's like, should I put them in the special place? And I was like, yeah, I want my shoes in a special place. And then he puts them away from me and he was like serving me. And I, it, I remembered also that I had watched a show where there was a dom where it was like service dom. 0 (36m 35s): So she had submissives that would pay her, I think she was in New York. And she would basically pay them or they would pay her to have her boss them around and she would have them do her laundry, like clean her floors. She would put her feet up on them like this. Like, oh, I'm just relaxing. Like you're, you're my pet basically. And I was like, that would be interesting to explore. Mm. Because I do think I'm more of a switch. I'm not just submissive. I love to be submitted. But, and here's the thing also, I don't think I would want to dominate a man. I was with romantically, like my lover. 0 (37m 17s): I could never, that wouldn't, I could never, I don't know if I could come back from that. 1 (37m 20s): I definitely couldn't. I 0 (37m 21s): Think I'd go too far. Yeah. So for me, I think it would have to be in like a play setting, like in the life, like the kink lifestyle setting. I think I would be really good at that. And I, I'm actually open to exploring it. There's a community in Miami Mm. That I connected with. So I'm, I'm gonna start going to some kink events and I don't know where it's gonna go, but report back really. I, I will, I, I think it could be good for me also to kind of feel like I'm owning my full power. Not 'cause I, I do, it's in, it's interesting, when I'm in a submissive state, I actually feel pretty powerful because I'm able to go to that like raw place. And when you're pushed, when you're in a submissive place, it depends on the type of dom. 0 (38m 2s): But like if you're with a pleasure dom for example, they're pushing you, pushing you, pushing you, pushing you to this place where you're like over the top in ecstasy. 1 (38m 11s): See that's what I'm interested in. 0 (38m 12s): And that can push you into baby. And many times have I been in a situation like that where I have sobbed like a baby after climaxing and it's very healing. So that could be interesting for you. Yeah. 1 (38m 25s): I'd have to figure out how, how to introduce this to someone and be like, let's try to do, 0 (38m 30s): I'll send you a list of books. 1 (38m 31s): Yeah, please. I started reading Existential Kink and then I just wasn't really into it. It, and then I have this book club. So we do usually two books. One tends to be educational one's usually personal development and then one is just like smut. Yeah. And one of my girlfriends, her and I usually have the same taste in books. And then we were reading this one, it was, she really likes kink and BDSM. Yeah. And that's her lifestyle as well. And one of them, it's called Sovereign. I don't know if you've read it. I haven't read it. It was a really good book, but there were, it, it was very sub and dom based. Yeah. And there's this scene where the guy has her crawling naked with a his cowboy hat in her mouth to bring it to him. And I was like, absolutely not like DI would not, there's different, different levels for anyone for sure. 1 (39m 16s): And she's like, oh, the murder is fine. And like the unconsensual acts are fine, but like the hat in the mouth, Candace is too much. I was like, that's where I draw the line. 0 (39m 24s): But that's the beautiful part though about the kink space is when you're in a, like a dom sub relationship, you talk about the things that you're gonna do you if you're doing it right. Some I think some people don't, but yeah, you probably should because you wanna have your limits, right? You wanna have your nose. And you might find that out in the moment. Like there is sometimes where I remember there was one time I was exploring a threesome and it was one of my first ones. And there was like, for some reason like him putting his thumb in her mouth, like that was a no for me. That was like a 1 (39m 54s): Fish hook. 0 (39m 55s): Yeah. That was like for me only. Oh like I like to like put things in my mouth. So I was like, that thumb is for me only. Don't put that in her mouth. Like that was like a no for me. And it triggered me and I didn't like, and I didn't throw a fit in the scene, but afterwards I was like, Hey by the way, like going forward your thumb is only going in my mouth because that was too much for me. And 1 (40m 14s): That's so interesting And, 0 (40m 16s): And even in the dom sub space, you're gonna find things where you're like, okay, like that actually was a no. Like I tried one time to like, there's a way where you can be submissive and kind of have somebody like make you feel jealous where they're like talking kind of like down to you. And I, I wanted to try it. I'm like, I'll try anything once. So I tried that and I was like, no, I cried afterwards. I needed like snacks. I was like, I became a baby. I was like, I am, I have a praise pink. This is the opposite of that. I don't need to be told I'm bad. Yeah. I need to be told I'm the best. Mm. 1 (40m 49s): See I think I'd be the opposite. Yeah. I 0 (40m 51s): Think you would want that to be humiliated 1 (40m 53s): Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. I think 0 (40m 55s): But that goes down to the cowboy hat thing. Like that's a little bit of a humiliation tactic I 1 (40m 59s): In a different way. Like yeah. I don't know. I don't know where, how to explain it. I guess. Like you just, you feel where your boundary is or where you, you're like, this isn't for 0 (41m 8s): Me. Yeah. And it could be one little, like your boundary could be one little thing and that's fine. That's the beautiful thing about that world is you can kind of choose your own adventure and create your own rules. There's no like textbook hard, this, that and the other. As long as you have good conversation and communication with each other about what's gonna happen and then you're able to have your safe words and you kind of know what you're expecting. I think it most of the time can go pretty well. Obviously there's, you hear horror stories, but I think as long as you're a mature adult that is consenting and you're both having good communication and you're Yeah. Also 1 (41m 40s): Aftercare, all of that. 0 (41m 41s): Maybe not on a bunch of substances or something. I feel like that's where things get wonky. That would be where I would say it's like a good safe place to explore and I've always benefited from it. Mm. That's why I think it's like gonna be interesting if I explore this like dom side of myself because with women I'm naturally more dominant. But I think I would try it with a man. 1 (42m 0s): Yeah. See what, see what happens. See what you like. Yeah. See I'm interested in the idea of like not having any control, like just being completely dominated in that way. Where like, I love the books and stuff that I read. Like I love When the Girl is just, she has no choice. Like one of them. Yeah. One of my favorite book. It's called Does It Hurt? Okay. And it is so good. I'll have to read it. And there's, there's this scene where like he's forcing himself on her 'cause he found out she like stole his identity and all of this. Oh wow. And he's like shoving her head in the ocean while there are sharks in the water. 0 (42m 31s): Oh that's aggressive. 1 (42m 31s): Like this is amazing. But you liked it. I loved it. I was like, this is so, and my friends all make fun of me. They're like, this is ridiculous. I'm like, I know, but just like the, the lack of like, I don't know, control say So Yeah. Being forced on. Like me, some people 0 (42m 45s): Have fantasies of being like kidnapped and stuff. Yeah. 1 (42m 48s): That's, I 0 (42m 48s): Don't have that. Yeah. But I get it. I have friends that do and that's totally fine. I think it's like really interesting exploring everybody's natural kinks and fetishes. And then my other, like, I always ask myself, well where does this come from? 1 (43m 3s): So there's this idea, and this goes back to David D's work and it's the idea of if you wanna just get rid of the neutral for right now and talk about masculine feminine, it's the masculine is the ravicher and then the feminine is the Ravi. She and then the ultimate and like the, almost the immature or like the dark side of that. If it's not cultivated, it goes back to Robert Blythe's work, which is the man's job is to become a monster. Become a beast, but then tame it and control it. Yeah. So with that masculinity, it's like can you bring her to the edge where she has no control and for the feminine, can I surrender so much that I don't have any say so. Yeah. And when that's done in love and in the highest elevation like that is like that raw, animalistic, passionate Yeah. 1 (43m 46s): Like communion that you're having during sex. Yeah. But the shadow evil, immature side is rape is Right. Right. And then that's the dark side. So the reason that he thinks that there's such like a weird kind of like Venn diagram of the two or an overlap of the two is because we inherently know that. Right? Yeah. Like there are two different faces of the same coin. Yeah. Essentially. So that's why women, most women in their ala does amazing research with this. It's like 80% of women do have like a non-consensual fantasy. Yeah. Right. And they don't admit it. They'll self-report it if it's anonymous. But they do have it. And I think that's part of it. It's like, I wanna be totally avs, I wanna be consumed by the masculine. Yeah. 1 (44m 26s): And I wanna be in my feminine and full surrendered. Yeah. I think that that's what that is. Yeah. I love to be ravished. 0 (44m 31s): Yeah, same. There's something about that. Yeah. That's like, I think it's like for me what it, it hits that like core of like they really want me and I'm chosen. Mm. And that is super healing for like my inner child of not feeling chosen. Yeah. But I was like, I wasn't chosen and it's, you're like, there's no question. Yeah. It's, it's literally like scratching that itch inside of me that's like, oh, they want me so bad they have to have me. Whew. That does something. I don't know for me. 'cause I, I've experienced sexual assault. So as far as like the fantasy part, like that maybe left the window a while ago. Yeah. But maybe had I not experienced that in those ways, maybe that I could see that being a thing. 0 (45m 18s): But I still like to be like, like for example, if I was in a relationship, I would want my partner to desire me because I've always had an insanely high sex drive. Same. So I actually haven't had a relationship where the person had more of a drive than me. Same. So that's always kind of been a little bit of an issue, which can kill the polarity a little bit because here I am like pursuing in a way. And even like sometimes I would like, like call it in, but even then sometimes I would notice I was like pursuing that and that's not feminine. I don't wanna pursue. No, that's not feminine. I want to be chased. Exactly. So that's something I've been working on too is like, okay, for one, with my drive being high, I have to acknowledge that. 0 (46m 5s): And so then when I'm looking for partner, that's something I'm considering is like what is their natural drive? Are they like a high, I'm gonna need somebody that can keep up with me or else I'm gonna end up, they're gonna be sitting on the couch one day not wanting to have sex and I'm gonna be like sexually frustrated. And then that also goes into the argument where people are like, well this is why women actually could benefit from being more open and having multiple partners because they actually have a higher drive sometimes. At least it seems in today's world I've noticed. But yeah, I think it still exists out there. I've definitely met some guys where I'm like, okay, they have a nice drive, but when they're in their like prince to king phase where they're grinding, that goes down. 0 (46m 47s): Mm. Yeah. Because they're using that, they're harnessing that energy. Energy, single focus to focus on building their kingdom. So I think for me, I probably have to find a king that has a kingdom that can just enjoy the pleasures and then we'll just rock each other's socks all the time. That 1 (47m 3s): Sounds lovely. I hope. I hope that happens for you. Thanks. And it's going to happen for you. It'll, we will have to 0 (47m 9s): Do this again. Yes. We are gonna be best friends. I'm excited. I think so. And I really like that you're, 1 (47m 16s): We're gonna go, are you coming to the party on Thursday? 0 (47m 19s): I gotta see if I can swing it. Okay. It's just a matter season. It's out there. I know I have eight pieces of luggage and I'm like, I don't have time to go out there and then stay and then come back in the morning and get on my flight. So it's like I have to figure out the logistics. So 1 (47m 33s): We'll see. We'll see. I hope you come. I 0 (47m 35s): Think it'd be fun. I think it, 1 (47m 36s): We haven't been out here in a while. A lot of fun. Yeah, this was awesome. Can you tell everyone where they can follow you? How they can support you plug away? 0 (47m 42s): Yeah. I am Kristin Elise. My DJ name is Kiri. So on Instagram it's Kristin Elise Official. And then my other Instagram is Kiri. The dj, K-Y-R-I-E, the DJ on TikTok. It's Kristin Elise Official X OnlyFans is just Kristin Elise. And I think that's it. 1 (48m 4s): Awesome. And then check all the links below. We'll have all of that as well as everything from our affiliates and our sponsors. And we'll see you for the next episode. Bye everybody. Bye.