Dec. 29, 2020

#23 Mia Malkova- Happiness, Love, and Twitch


One of the world's top performers joins the podcast and shows a side of herself that most have yet to see. Mia is such a sweetheart and I am so grateful she was willing to be so vulnerable on the episode. Follow Mia on twitter https://twitter.com/MiaMalkova or twitch https://www.twitch.tv/miamalkova

Support the show (http://patreon.com/candicehorbacz)

Transcript

0 (4s): Hey everybody, your listening to Chatting with Candice. I'm your host Candice tour. Back before we get started on this week's episode, if you want to support the podcast, you can go to Chatting with Candice dot com and you can sign up for a patriotic account where you get really access to episodes. Or you can click that little link that says, buy me coffee, both things help me to continue podcasting. It's a huge health, even as little as a dollar seriously makes a difference. So this week I'm super excited. We're changing the pace a little bit. We have Mia Malkova joining the podcast. I haven't seen Mia in years, but honestly she is one of the sweetest people in the adult entertainment industry. And I couldn't be happier to catch up with her. I hope you enjoy the conversation on the podcast. 1 (49s): Yes, today we have Mia Malkova joining. Thank you so much for giving me some of your time. Thank you for having me. So you just moved recently, right? Yeah. And then from LA to Oregon and moved to a log cabin, which is where I'm at right now. And yeah, I love that so far. I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere. So I was like 10 minutes from a national forest. It looks so beautiful. I've been looking at your videos and like out of a dream, there is like woods and snow and babbling creeks and so beautiful waterfalls, everywhere. Evergreens burns. It's extremely lush and beautiful. 1 (1m 30s): I've always loved hiking and I love nature. So I'm really happy. Yeah. So what inspired the move? Were you still shooting main-stream or was this like after like COVID and everything? So I had stopped shading mainstream. I separated from my ex-husband a couple years ago and I moved closer to my family, which was still in California, but it was a couple of hours away. So I still shot and I, I made the drive for a few months, but after that, I started to really focus on things that I can do at home, just because I was really tired of, you know, driving three hours to LA. So I wasn't shooting for about a year and a half and inspired it. 1 (2m 11s): I was, I was wanting to buy a place and I was thinking Las Vegas, just because it's a good place were a lot of people in the industry go there's other talent. There's a lot of locations. And I saw a YouTube video of Oregon. Yeah. And I just thought, you know what, that's what I want to make my content. I want to make my content and nature vibe. I want to do something that I love. Oh, I love that. And so it was really a spontaneous, I literally just saw a video and I was like, Oh, let's do that. I feel like sometimes that's how things work out though. Right. Is you just kind of get like a random clue and you just have like an instinctual feeling and then, you know, you're, that's the direction you're supposed to be in. 1 (2m 51s): Yeah. It feels right. And then you just go 100% and then see it. And hopefully it works out, which is like, it is magical a cabin in the woods. Thank you. 0 (3m 4s): Okay. And everyone always asks, everyone is so tiring. So if you don't, if you want to give me like the spark notes version, you totally can. But what got you into the industry? Because I think everyone has a different answer and everyone expects it to be the same. So what's, what's your story? 1 (3m 21s): So I was 19 and I didn't grow up with a lot of money. So I was working at Sizzler. I was just a hostess there. I was a very promiscuous and my best friend who I've known since the second grade, she didn't have a lot of money either. So she started doing pornography, you know, kind of just to make ends meet. And I found out about it and I was a lot more promiscuous than she was. So I kind of just jumped into it. I like the sexual aspect of it more than even the financial, I think I was very, very wild at 19. 1 (4m 2s): And I didn't really think things through either. I didn't think of it as a career or anything like that was kind of just like, Oh, that sounds fun. And you know, that will shock people. I'll go do that. Okay. 0 (4m 12s): That's so funny because I find that commonality amongst like the, all of the top girls, there's a lot of them, there was another factor for them joining it wasn't because they want to be famous and there wasn't because of money. And those are the ones that tend to kind of like rise to the top of the thing, because you're not focusing so much on something. That's not going to bring you happiness. Not that porn brings you happiness cause everyone has like their own experience within it. But I think if you're strictly chasing that industry for money or they'll be very disappointed. 1 (4m 39s): Yeah. I think a big part of what will like bring girls to the top as if they're very, they're actually very sexual and they truly love what they're doing, which at the beginning, I definitely did that. It did bring me happiness at the beginning of that was what I was chasing. And that's what I liked. I liked to all of the sexual experiences and I'm not going to lie now it's a bit of a job because I've been doing it for like nine years, but definitely, definitely loved what it was doing with the beginning. 0 (5m 6s): Yeah, same. I feel like when I first got into, it was like this magical thing and I got to like really explore my boundaries and like my sexuality. And then when I decided to stop doing mainstream, it was almost like that. It just didn't feel right anymore. I guess that goes back to like, just trusting your instincts. And then I just started self producing. What is the biggest difference and how have you changed your perspective on porn now that you kind of self produce everything? 1 (5m 35s): I mean, for me personally, I still would. I wouldn't go back to the shooting. Like I used to just because I think it's easier to self produce. I get to make my own schedule, get to my scenes are what I want to show you, how long my job. I'm not, I don't have someone back there saying, do this, do that. It's kind of just whatever I feel that day. So I like having complete control. And I think it's a lot easier than traveling everywhere and spending five to eight hours on set shooting a 30 to 40 minute sex scene. I also, the residuals is a big part of it for me and growing my own platforms and I'm getting the income instead of just a flat rate. 1 (6m 23s): And then the companies will go on and, and they'll make the residuals from that scene that I shot. But I'm just stuck with this flat rate, which looking back now and looking at what I earn with my own platforms and even what other girls are earning with their own platforms. It's not a lot of money, really not, and it's not worth it. Yeah. I think at the beginning for some girls, as long as they enjoy it to kind of help build a name, I don't think it's a bad idea, but for the girls who do have a name and a following, it's not worth it. 0 (6m 56s): It's almost like an unnecessary step now. And I remember when I all these other third-party platforms were coming up, like when the premium Snapchat became a thing and now the only fans is a thing. And then, you know, people are joining Twitch, which I definitely want to get into with you. But you just start seeing all these ways that you can be your own boss and kind of have that control. 1 (7m 15s): And then you see what the money actually is. And then what companies were saying you were worth. And you're like, wait, there is a big discrepancy here. Hi now I, I, I'm not afraid to say it that my rate for a boy or girl is 1500, which looking bad. That's really not a lot of money compared to what they were making off of that scene. And 0 (7m 36s): I bet you were probably told that you were too high at that price. 1 (7m 39s): I was, yeah. I was still a lot too high for a lot of companies. Exactly. I was one of the higher paid, which is crazy that girls are out there doing Borgo scenes four or five to 600. Sometimes 0 (7m 51s): I was the same way or anytime I had a rate that was considered too highly, we almost get like bullied and they're like, well, people aren't making money. 1 (7m 57s): And then the other side of the year, you a lot more than you're paying us. Totally. Yeah. That's why 0 (8m 6s): I'm glad. I think that the industry is going to be hopefully moving like a different way and a more positive way for like the performers. 1 (8m 13s): I think so too. And I'm really happy with where it's going. So you have always been really open. I feel like with you share like a lot 0 (8m 21s): Of your self on social media, I think that's also probably why you do so well. Is people feel like they get to know you more than the girls that don't show their personalities or like their lives. Like you, when you were married, you had, how have you found Love throughout working in the industry? Because a lot of people are like, look at us like unlovable creatures, which is I'm trying to like break that stigma and show like positive relationships that we lot, 1 (8m 47s): I feel like I've been in a relationship since I've been, I'm a longterm relationship person than something I've noticed. But I was with Danny for, I think we were together for almost five years. We were married for three. And then when that ended, I was the only single for a couple of months before I started dating my new boyfriend. Eli we've been together for three years. So yeah, I have had no problem monogamous. Yeah. I haven't been single all the time and I'm really happy. Obviously the marriage didn't work out, but I have to rethink that. The relationship, I think it worked out for the best and I'm a lot happier in a very healthy relationship. 1 (9m 30s): Now, 0 (9m 30s): Do you guys ever have like jealousy talks? Do you guys have a very typical, like a monogamous relationship now? 1 (9m 37s): God, we're kind of an ominous, but we're not we're we are in an open relationship and there are jealousy talks. It's really weird. I'm able to like, I'll shoot with other people sometimes. And he shot with other people since we've been together. And I've even been with, I've really only been with one person off camera since we've been together. I'm actually a picky. I don't know when I got so picky, but I am, and it's really weird. We do have to talk and I liked, I really liked the idea of an open relationship. It's not just for me, its for the other person too, but there are people who I need and I'm attracted to, I'm interested in getting to know better and like sharing that, the intimate relationship with its kind of, I don't know. 1 (10m 22s): It's, it's hard. It's a little hypocritical just because I do feel jealousy I if I'm going to want that, I want my partner to want that and have that as well. But I don't know when this happened. I'm a jealous person and I don't want to be it's normal. I think it was just something to work on. What about you or you're in a monogamous relationship 0 (10m 48s): Or monogamish? So like there's like the ish there. I haven't been with somebody else and years like, but that door is still open and kind of like you, like, I I'm the jealous one of the two of us that way 1 (11m 6s): She's not jealous of me at all. You'll feel my scenes. He doesn't care. I don't hear anything about it afterwards. And they see you even just like to see too many girls photos on Instagram. I'm like, what is this? What is going on here? 0 (11m 18s): Funny I yeah, I've been the same way to, to where like I would stock like his online behavior. I was like, well, this isn't productive, this isn't okay. 1 (11m 26s): Okay. And this isn't fair. What am I doing? But I can't help it. I don't feel, I dunno. I think it just comes down to unfortunately insecurity. That's that's what it is, is I'm feeling insecure in those moments, something to accept and work on. 0 (11m 43s): It's almost like a muscle that you just kind of have to like keep working and keep like exposing yourself to, and then it'll eventually starts like dying down a little bit. It's the exact same way we like to have almost like a hand book of rules for our relationships. So like what's okay. And not okay. As far as being intimate with somebody else. And if that ever were to arise, like how do we handle it? And if someone's not okay, then we have to be able to have that safe space to have a conversation. So like if I was with someone and he's like, well, we don't want to, I don't want you to do that anymore than I have to be willing to adjust because it's like a living breathing thing. 1 (12m 19s): So that's, that's where I relate. That's what our roles are to me is to listen to the other person. And there, there has been even times is really not jealous, but there has been a time a couple of months ago with there was someone was interested in, it was coming up and I was like, okay, they're interested in hanging out this weekend. He was like, no, I'm going through some stuff. I really don't want to deal with that right now. And I kinda just had to listen to his feelings and squash that opportunity, which since it comes a round, so little for me that I am interested in somebody's it was hard. It was like, dammit. I was interested in, but I think that that's just a love and fairness. 1 (13m 1s): That's the only way it's going to work is if you respect. 0 (13m 3s): Okay. And you listened to each other. Oh, I couldn't agree more. And I'm similar too in the sense that like we, when we started talking about potentially being in like an open relationship or like a non-traditional relationship, it was the fact that I was going to be shooting and that's not fair to him. And I just saw so many girls in the industry, especially that were like, I get to do this. And because it's for work, it doesn't count. And you have to stay at home and be like a good partner. And that's just not fair. It's just not fair. Because most men, when they do have sex, it is disconnected. Right. Is like a physical experience. So just because your work is that it's the exact same comparison then. Right? Like you're both disconnected experiences. So by default they should be fine. 1 (13m 43s): Yeah. What about for you though? Are you interested in connected experiences because that is something that I've noticed and I think why I'm so picky is I've kind of grown up a bit and I'm less interested in the sex or sexual gratification of it and more, Hey, I respect this person, you know, and I find them attractive. I want to have a lot of a relationship, but I guess a friendship, like a level of respect with someone who I'm interested in sleeping with, but definitely definitely an emotional connection in some way. I feel like 0 (14m 22s): Yes and no. So I get nervous. So if there is a situation where I am finding these other things attractive, like they're personality and I get, I don't know, like a, an admiration because then I'm like, I just don't want to ever get a situation where emotions are entangled because that's not fair to him. And like our arrangement is like, no emotions, just because for me, I like, that's where I can't handle it. Like if he were to have like, you know, dates and whatever, I just that's my pass. So I just wouldn't want to be a hypocrite in that way. But at the same time, there would have to be something else. Cause I'm pretty picky too. So it would be almost never that I would just see somebody's at a bar and I'd be like, Oh yeah, we're going to go home with that guy. 0 (15m 6s): I'm like, I'm probably gonna end up like murdered or something. Like, I'll talk myself out of it. Like it's not going to happen. So it almost, it has to be someone that at least in like acquaintances with, if that makes sense, you know what I mean? Like a couple of, of, of exchanges so that I know that they're not like a dummy or something. 1 (15m 22s): Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense for me. I just, I have just realized that I'm not interested. It would have to be like Henry Coupeville or, or some actor that I fantasized a bunch about for me to be interested in just the sexual aspect of it. But other than that, that's where I struggle is I want more of a connection if I'm sexually interested in somebody off-camera, but I'm jealous if my partner would want something like that. So it's just, I think it's trial and error and it's just going to take time. 0 (15m 56s): Totally. Especially when it's like three years. Cause like it's still kind of, you still have that nuance. I feel like in that stage of the relationship, I feel like we were married. 1 (16m 7s): Yeah. We've been in three years, but we've been, we haven't been in LA we've, we've been with each other most of the time, we just went to each other 24 seven. So I feel like I know him very well. It doesn't feel like a new relationship. I'm so happy. Thank you. 0 (16m 23s): You have a million followers now on Twitter, which is amazing. I saw that you were saying that you were a shadow band on Instagram. Is that still in effect? 1 (16m 32s): Yeah, I'm still shadow banned. I'm actually terrified. I was already shadow banned. And what happened was I had my Facebook connected to it and I haven't touched my Facebook in a couple of years. And there was a picture that was reported on it from two years ago. And so the Facebook, I got locked out of it and I ended up getting it back. But when I got it back because it was connected to my Instagram, they shadow banned B. And then while it was under the ban, they also took down three photos and they gave me a serious warning on two of them. One I'm just kissing a girl, which I can see how they would. 1 (17m 13s): And I was saying, go check out this, you know, go check out this other Instagram. I can see where that was pushing the limits, but the other one was a very safe or a photo. And I had a close flashlight and the photo and I got a serious warning on that one too. So I really just think they're cracking down. 0 (17m 32s): Oh wow. It wasn't even open. 1 (17m 35s): No, it wasn't open. And then the other one that was taken down, it was a very, very clean, innocent photo. But the bio said click the link in my bio. There's a sale. So I also think that that just hit an algorithm. I'm just terrified. Oh my gosh. 0 (17m 51s): Yeah, because that account is solid. I think you're out. Like what five of them, 1 (17m 54s): I think on that or I'm at like 7.6 now, Holy cow put a lot of effort into my Instagram. It's like my main thing. And I love it. I really do. I love, I love shooting the photos for it and creating the content. And it's like a main goal of mine to grow my Instagram. So it's really stressed me out, getting a warning like that. I went through and I've archived a lot of photos that could possibly be pushing the limits a little bit. I've always been careful to be safe for work, but I'm trying to be even more careful. And I think I'm going to redirect the content for the last sexual for the future. So sexy be a little more careful with angles. 1 (18m 37s): So, 0 (18m 38s): So that's a good point though. So do you notice that if you have more of a, like a curvy body that you're more subject to these things? Because for, in my experience, the girls that have the more petite like pre pubescent bodies get away with a lot more than the girls that have curves. It's like, if you have a big, but even if you're on a regular bikini and I've seen, this is like a, not a thong or a regular bikini, it can get taken down. And it's like, that's just 1 (19m 5s): Not fair because it's just a different body type. Yeah. I've actually had that issue my entire life. Even with bathing suits, I'll wear something, a cut that another girl will wear. But because my butt is so big, people will look at me and they'll be like, there's kids there. That's inappropriate. I'm like what? 0 (19m 25s): The thing has a mind of its own. I can't control what it does with a bikini. 1 (19m 30s): I don't want to cover it up either. It's my best asset. I see a lot 0 (19m 34s): Of inconsistencies. Like there's some girls that post like full nudes, 1 (19m 38s): Like nipple full, 0 (19m 40s): But, and they have, you know, 10 million followers. I'm like this isn't fair. 1 (19m 44s): I see that a lot something. I think, I think that there's might be a few reasons. I think the reason that my account is struggling right now is because it is a larger account. So I've noticed that the, the more that it's grown, the more posts get taken down. And I think that's just people recording. So even if it is safe for work, if they think, you know, someone who's born and they're like, Oh, that's too much. That's too much. No, I don't like that. They're going to report. I also think I'm hitting more algorithms than I used to. And I think being a porn star and in the adult industry, people who follow me or more likely to hold me accountable for pushing the limits on Instagram than they are for someone else that they're following, who is not in the adult industry. 1 (20m 32s): That's just my personal opinion. Yeah. 0 (20m 34s): I don't know. I hope that it starts to shift a little bit because you see it like a lot of the regular Instagram girls that have the only fans accounts now because of all the craziness that's happening. So now, because it's becoming more normalized. I mean, like Cardi B has an only fans and she's plugging it on, on Instagram. So if that's the case, I mean, I feel like we have to normalize it a little bit. There's a paywall. So like my biggest thing with porn is I, I think everything should have a paywall. Like I'm like, I am in agreeance with that. Yeah. It's just, especially now, because content is so extreme and it keeps getting more and more intense. Like I just think that their needs to be some kind of buffer between that and someone who just stumbles upon it. Do you know what I mean? 0 (21m 14s): So, I mean, when you do only fans, it's a paywall. There is nothing crazy. I don't know. I just don't, I don't see the issue. 1 (21m 21s): So only fans isn't just for adult performers. Is there people selling their, their art on it? You know, and Cardi B, I don't know what she sells, but I doubt she is selling pornography. Okay. 0 (21m 33s): We don't know if she doing like full-blown porn, but like Amber roses. So, and she's like, you know, a model like fixing type of girl that is now doing porno and she's pushing it. I think she also has like 10 million followers or maybe more. I'm not really sure, but its becoming a lot more mainstream. So again, there's like a paywall. So I don't know if you're a beat, like posting safe for work. And obviously everyone knows it's 18 and up. Like I just don't see that 1 (21m 58s): The issue, I don't see it either. I don't even, even posting the only fans link that they can't see anything they have to put in their credit card information to verify their age. Is that why you don't post any new duty on Twitter? Yeah. 0 (22m 13s): So with my Twitter, my goal for that is to start building it, I guess like outside of just like a porno, like I'm do like maybe one out of every 10 is like an, an only fans plug or something like that. And then the rest, I just try to like tweet and then I've had like some of my, I guess not what is it, what would you call them? The people that you like look up to, like I've had them start following me like these neuroscientists and doctors and whatever. So I'm like, Oh, do I want them to see this when they scroll through their feed? So I'm just trying to be like very wary and not like do anything to sexual. But I would say after I had my son was when I started thinking more about paywalls, I'm getting a very like hard opinion on it. 0 (22m 57s): And then just like talking to other people and there was some crazy stuff that came out with PornHub earlier this year. That was like pretty gross. I don't know if you've followed the campaigns with wasn't it 1 (23m 7s): Like a fake ID. So underaged people were uploading pornography. Well, that was like 0 (23m 14s): The least like ugly part of it. So stuff that has been proven and like there has been settlements, there were rape videos that got put up some more of the girls that were like very young, like I think like 13 or 10 or something like that. And they're response was we vet every video that comes up and we check IDs and blah, blah, blah. You know, it's such a large platform. Like we can't be held responsible. And I was like, well, hold on a sec. Can I email you guys every single week to take down videos that you guys take from me? And like my company, like the ones that I shoot and I know that you don't have the paperwork and I know that you don't have, the idea is so that's a false city that you're kind of spreading and a lot of girls believe it. 0 (23m 55s): I'm like, do you think? 1 (23m 56s): Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Cause I, yeah, I have videos taken down every couple of weeks too. So how are they uploading these if they're checking them and checking on them? 0 (24m 5s): Yeah. They're not, you know what I mean? And there's, I've shot with like super amateur people that aren't anywhere else. So how do they know that those people are of age? They have no idea or that they won't work coerced, you know what I mean? Like there's no sign in or sign out like any of that. So that was like a huge lie and I didn't really like that. So I was like, yeah, that's just the one thing that would kind of help with some of like those uglier things that are happening. And it's like a very easy fix, you know what I mean? And then everyone makes more money at the end of the day when you were shooting. One thing that I always thought was interesting. We both have the same agent for a while. Like the beginning part, like, like maybe the first year of my career. And I remember him saying that you only shot like a couple of days a week and that you were very strict as to like the scenes that you did and who you worked with. 0 (24m 48s): And I always found that really admirable. I remember I texted you before I started shooting boy or girl was like, well, how do you do it? Like, because you seem to build like this really good brand and you seem to like one of the more mentally healthy women in the industry. So I'm like, whatever she's doing is kind of like the approach I want to take. So how did you kind of come up with those boundaries for yourself, 1 (25m 10s): With who I want it to shoot with? I got to a point where, and even how many days I want it to work, I was a very popular, so everyone wanted to book me if they could have, I would of been booked every single day and I'm actually a very sensitive person and I'm very introverted and I like peace and quiet and I need time to myself. So I was just getting overrun and I was getting exhausted. I decided, you know what, it's not worth it for me. I don't need to take these extra days. I don't need the money. I don't need to do it. So I started to limit how many days I would work, even what companies to prioritize. And as far as the talent that I would work with, I wanted every day to be a good day. 1 (25m 51s): I want to enjoy myself. I was in a certain scenes where I'd meet the talent and I wouldn't be about it. I want it to look forward to shooting that day because I wanted to have sex with the person so that I could give the best thing possible other than just, okay, this is work, you know, I need to disassociate and just get through it like a doctor. 0 (26m 13s): Okay. So is that just something that's always been like your personality type just to, I guess, know what you needed to be happy and healthy or was there a trial and error? 1 (26m 24s): It's always been my personality type. I've always been very much a, I need my space. I need my downtime. I don't handle stress. Well, if I get too stressed out, then I kinda just curl up in a little ball and I start neglecting everything. And I was at that point where I was canceling a lot of scenes and it just wasn't, it wasn't worth it to me. And I even, I didn't realize, you know, money isn't everything. Even with feature dancing, I was featured dancing for a while and I think that there was a month while I was featured dancing where I was on like 15 different flights that month. And flying is something that always kind of like uproots me. Cause I also like, everything should be really organized at home. 1 (27m 9s): And I like routine and I like schedules. So I just got to a point where I decided, you know, what, money isn't everything that I'm going to do this. Right. And I'm going to be happy while I do that. Yeah. I'm so glad you found that path because I feel like a lot of people don't, especially when you have these paychecks that are being thrown at you and you can find ways very easily to make those compromises because you're like, Oh, well it's just, you know, this justice one week or just this one scene or just this one club and feature dancing is a great example because I don't know too many people that had an overall great experience with that. For me, that was one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I thought it was super fun at first, but then it was like, once you get on the circuit and you're doing, you know, two, three club's a month or however much it was because at the time, or at least for me, it was more lucrative than shooting. 1 (27m 59s): So I was like, of course, I'll go do this, but the hours and the people that you're dealing with in my case, like I did this one gig in Baltimore and I did a week, seven days every single night and they didn't pay me at the end. Oh my God. And I was like, I am so done with this. I will never go back. And then like my agency at the time was like, Oh, there's nothing we can really do. It was like, what do you mean? And then I talked to a couple of other girls and they had a similar experience. So I was like, I'm just not doing this again. That's insane to me feature dancing, actually. It's funny. Cause I was still doing it. I was just limiting how much I was doing it, but I went on a retreat and I did IUs. 1 (28m 42s): Have you heard of that? Oh my gosh. Yes. I'm going on. I want to know all the details. Okay. So I went on an iOS, the retreat. And during that, like you just have, you have a lot of clarity. So during it, I was staying there and I was kind of searching everything and feature dancing came up and I was like, you know what? I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate having to buy the costumes. I hate having to travel. I hate having to stay up late. I hate the way that clubs smell like smoke. I hate giving lap dances. I hate getting on stage cause I have stage fright and I also hate what it was doing to me because I hated it so much. 1 (29m 23s): So when I would feed you dance, I would get drunk. I would always have to drink because I was so shy to go on stage. And I, I was an extroverted. So when I would drink it would pull that out of me and I'd make a lot more money. So I was like, okay, this is the only way I am getting through it. And so I hated that I was drinking much as well. And I just like kinda made that resolved. I'm never going to feature dance ever again. I don't care who asks me, I don't care how much money it is. I'm not going to do that. Even Sapphire, which are the easy clubs, I'm just not going to do it. That was what just kind of stopped at all. It just made it up in my mind during an <inaudible>. So what was 0 (30m 1s): We need you? Cause that's intense. So I haven't, I'm trying to like prepare myself for a psychedelic experience because I have a lot of control issues. And I know that people that are very controlling and tense tend to have worse experiences because a lot of it is like letting go. So what drove you first to like go find one of these retreats because you get, you can get really sick and they're very intense and unknown, which is very scary for people. So what was your main driving force for the day? 1 (30m 30s): I'll start off by saying I have control issues to, which is something that I was worried about. And that is still what I struggle with because I've had a bit of experience with psychedelics even after IUs got what I was interested in. I did acid one time before doing the iOS cause ceremony. So I kind of had an idea of what psychedelics were. It didn't have a lot of experience with them, but it was just something I kept hearing about. And I was hearing that people had life changing experiences, that it was a very spiritual that for the most part, it was a very safe and I guess I was just searching. I didn't have any specific reason. I was searching for a reason. I feel like there's always more, you can do to learn about yourself. 1 (31m 14s): So it's just something that I always kind of want it to dive into. And I pulled the trigger after we separated from my ex-husband. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this for myself. And I found a really nice place in Brazil. What I liked about it was there was so much information on it. There were so many reviews of hundreds of reviews from people who had great experiences. There was pictures or videos, the woman who was in, who owns the retreat and is also in charge of the ceremony or the fact that she was a woman, because I would hear and read about horror stories of people getting taken advantage of while they're under the influence of iOS guts. 1 (31m 57s): So there was a lots of different factors to why I even chose that ceremony. And then I started seeing my current boyfriend before I went and he ended up buying his ticket. So while he was still new in that relationship, we went together, which I would say it was good, but it was still uncomfortable just because it's a lot about vulnerability, like before going into it. She's not shaman, but she's, she's worked with a lot of shamans and she was a psychotherapist before she bought her retreat and started performing iowaska ceremony. So before going into it, we would do as a group psychotherapy sessions. 1 (32m 40s): And then that would kind of just open you up emotionally. And then you set your intention. It's very like ceremonial you're there. You don't talk. When you show up to the ceremony realm, you, you wear white, you set your intention before going in. This is what I'm going to work on and focus. And then it really is important to try to let go. Something that I suffer with is, and this is why I don't really like being under the influence of anything. I will smoke weed on occasion, but I shouldn't because I, again, I can choose a thought. Ah, and I think it's part leave because I'm a little OCD. 1 (33m 21s): So like I'll get an image in my mind and then I'll draw a significance to it and then it won't leave and I'll get a bunch of like under the influence, especially I'll get a bunch of like graphic, disturbing images and thoughts that just disturb and distress me. And I started getting panic attacks. So that was something that would happen even during Iowasca. But I think part of, I guess like part of the lesson is to let these things happen, let those thoughts pass through instead of like hiding away from them, Oh, I'm not going to do that because I get these thoughts and it get this way. It's no I'm going to do it. And then I'm going to work through it while I'm in that moment. 1 (34m 4s): So I did have a couple of nights of having panic attacks, but it does actually work to just not draw a significance and just kind of let whatever disturbs me, just kind of flow through my brain and like look at it as a different person instead of drawing significance to it. Does that make sense? No, totally. Just analyze. Okay. That's what I'm thinking about. That's fine. You know, 0 (34m 27s): Let's see. So that's what a lot of the spiritual books and teaching say, right? Is that like your body has all of, all of these energy houses and them, and you're not really supposed to judge on the emotion that you feel because you need to let it just like experience it and then let it go and like let it both. 1 (34m 42s): So you can like talk to yourself. You're like, Hey Melissa, it's okay. You're feeling, you're feeling jealous. You're feeling insecure. I thought it'll pass. It's okay to feel that way. Why are you feeling that way? It's better than just like letting your mind go crazy and go where it wants to go. It kinda takes the, the control back in a way. 0 (35m 3s): What would you say is the biggest thing that you learned from that experience? 1 (35m 10s): I went into it a lot with, I kind of realized that my relationship with my mom wasn't the best, even though I've always loved my mom's so much, I was kind of in meshed with her and I was carrying a lot of her issues and her problems on my back, anything she felt I kind of took it all on and I carried that around with me, for her. So I was resenting her for too. So a big part of that was I, I, I was able to kind of just separate myself from her. I did a lot of, a lot of thinking about it and I have it separated. You know, my son, I talked to him more than I used to. I just don't get involved. 1 (35m 51s): Like I used to, if she calls me and she's sad about something I'll listen, but I've kind of cut off the empathy. I don't know if it's a good way, but I kind of cut off the empathy a little bit so that I'm trying to, instead of feel what she's feeling and empathize with her, I'm trying to think outside the box and give her a better tips and directions to help better whatever situation she's in. 0 (36m 17s): No, that's I think a problem like everyone has with at least one family member, someone, a friend that is closer. My mom's very similar where there's almost like this entanglement that you have, and it especially like, I don't know, do you know a lot about like epigenetics or what they call like trans generational trauma? It can be interviewed with that. I don't 1 (36m 37s): Know a lot about it by do you know what it is? Yeah. 0 (36m 40s): So the whole idea that, you know, trauma can kind of go from like a grand mother to a mother, to a daughter. And specifically, because of the way that reproduction is that it goes further down the line with women, especially. So that's why we tend to carry like the baggage of our mothers are we see these patterns that kind of just like keep showing up and you kind of have to decide what they're not going to be the one to like break that cycle or not. My mom it's been like a whole, it's been like we did a, my husband and I it's called Biocybernaut and it's not like a psychedelic experience, but it's basically a boot camp for your brain for like a week. And it's like 16 hour days. 0 (37m 20s): It's a very long, it's a very intense, like I want to quit. Like every single day that I was there was like, this is so intense. And they have, you do a lot of forgiveness work. And then you start to kind of see the unhealthier, like the weak points in your relationships and then how you can fix them. And then once you almost have that detachment is when that relationship can start to heal and actually be healthier than you knew what to do. 1 (37m 41s): It would be agreed exactly. As I have noticed a significant difference. So even forgiving, forgiving her, like I said, it was very subconsciously resentful over the baggage that I was carrying. And as soon as I did kind of separate and I haven't went back to it, I have something just clicks in my head. Sometimes I'm like, okay, that makes sense. That's what I'm going to do. Now. I have a much better, much healthier relationship with her. And I've even noticed a change in her and how she behaves towards me. I have noticed that she doesn't, she doesn't come to me and she doesn't want to put her like issues on me either. She does. She'll tell me sometimes what's going on. 1 (38m 22s): But I actually, I appreciate that. I think it's important for a mother daughter. I think that she has a husband and she has friends. She's people that she should go to for certain things that she was going through rather than her daughter. Cause I don't, I don't want to be a shoulder for anybody. Like the only, they're only shoulder, it's not a healthy relationship to just dump emotions on somebody. 0 (38m 47s): So after you did essentially like vulnerable and like kind of unique experience with Eli, do you feel like that helps bond you guys? And then that's why you kind of have such a solid relationship is because you kind of started off on this very intense journey. 1 (39m 5s): I think it definitely helped because it helped me realize we have a lot in common and we want a lot of the same things. We both really want to be the best versions of ourselves and we want to work on ourselves mentally and physically. And I think that that's, that is one of the things that has kept us together is, you know, that we have something like that in common. Yeah. You both, I really saw him put a a hundred percent in and we really got to know each other, I guess, on a deeper level. 0 (39m 36s): Yeah. So it seems like you both have like a growth mindset, so you both are always constantly trying to improve and you're open to new things. This is a question I get all the time and I never really know how to answer it. So how do we make sure that you grow with your partner instead of like growing in opposite directions? Do you guys have like sit downs where you, you know, map out your future and like what you want and your goals together? How do you make sure that, that you're growing together in the same direction? 1 (40m 1s): I would say that's what we're doing. It, isn't something I've been consciously doing. I think it's just been working out that way that we do, which is naturally going in the same direction we have, we want the same things. 0 (40m 14s): So we do a lot of like exercises to make sure that we're like always on the same page because he has his own businesses and I'm trying to like start, you know, podcasting and all of this and like just kind of map out like, what's next for me? So we always have to try to like, do just check it. Like check-ins if that makes sense, I guess like that's the most important thing I was just like checking in with your partner. 1 (40m 35s): Yeah. I love that. But to be honest, I don't need to really set him down for a check-in. I'm very vocal. If I'm, if I'm concerned about something, if a pops into my head, I'm like, Oh, like sit down now or we're going to talk. 0 (40m 48s): That's amazing though. I think it's a great cause. Not a lot of people are confident enough to always have that open line of communication. Like they get scared or they just want to avoid it or maybe talk about it later. So I think that's also a huge indicator. If a relationship is going to be successful is just how open that communication. 1 (41m 5s): I think it's a really good, I could work on my delivery a bit because I believe so. 0 (41m 13s): So does he help you out with your Twitch or was that something that you kind of wanted to get into after you stopped shooting? Like for mainstream? Like what got you onto that platform? 1 (41m 22s): He definitely helps me on the tech side of it, but it was 100% my thing, what I wanted to do. And the reason why is I've always been, so it's been a very nerdy, so I've always loved fantasy. And I have always played video games, but I always felt bad for playing them so that I would kind of just spend all day long, playing a game. And afterwards I'm like, Oh God, I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I'm wasting my life away to go do something else. So I wasn't playing very much. And when I wouldn't be, I was feeling bad about myself. So I love the idea that with Twitch I could play all these games that I want to play and I'm actually building a platform and a business I'm being productive while doing what I love. 1 (42m 8s): So that's what really got me into it. And I think that's why I've had some success on the platform is because I genuinely love it. And I didn't really even expect it to turn into what it has turned into. I kind of thought I could just play my games and zone out, but a lot of that is interacting with your chat and your community. And that's something that I love about it too, is I miss everybody. I miss interacting with everybody and, and helping to build that community. I actually haven't been able to stream since July. Oh wow. The cabin that we moved in to, I said, it's in the middle of nowhere. 1 (42m 49s): So the internet is in a very good, I only have a satellite internet, which is enough to stream. So I think what I'm going to have to do is probably just get another place, maybe 30 minutes away or something to set up my stream and just kind of like go there a couple of days a week. 0 (43m 6s): Oh. So you're totally committed to figuring it 1 (43m 8s): Out. Oh, 100% of that. I can't even tell you I'm itching to get back. I miss it so much. So that's actually, I'd say more. So I wouldn't say I'm passionate about pornography. I'd say that I'm passionate about my Instagram because I really love to tography and I love modeling and I love creating photos that I'm happy about or I'm inspired about. And I love that I'm passionate about Twitch so those are the two platforms for me. 0 (43m 36s): So when you started to switch, it was mostly just because you wanted to kind of go into a hobby or like a passion that you had already had, like you weren't looking at it as a pivot necessary. 1 (43m 48s): No, I wasn't not originally. It was definitely going to be a side thing for me and it, it just turned into more of a, a, a main thing and it will go back to that. I will, as soon as I get set up, I'll, I'll put a lot more effort into it. So how is that, 0 (44m 5s): If that changes your plans for their future or has it like what, or what's next for Mia Malkova 1 (44m 12s): So Twitch is still going to be the second thing for me, it's not definitely the most profitable for someone like me as like my only fans, but I like is that I do it because I love it. And I think that in the future, if I keep going with it and that's something that I did want to become my main thing, or it could potentially be profitable next for me, honestly, I'm intrigued by the idea of putting more effort into YouTube. So I think that that's the next platform I'm going to, I'm going to start shooting for and kinda of like putting on my roster every month. What kind of stuff? Or like videos do you plan on putting on there? 1 (44m 52s): I definitely want to put highlights from when I do stream, but I'm doing, I'm doing research now. I think logging would be popular when I do do things. I think even just fun videos that I've noticed, people want to see or things like a day in the life, like just to see what I do all day, which people are going to be surprised. I don't do it a lot, but they still like how stores, like a day with a puppy is I have like a long list of even, you know, doing my makeup every day. There's I feel like its so funny what people want to see. I feel like it's not very entertaining, but I think that what they like is that it's more personal and you're saying to the real person behind the camera, 0 (45m 39s): Thanks a ton of sense to me. But there's so many people that would like advise against that or they think, you know, you're supposed to only be this sex symbol. You're not allowed to be anything else. So you have, you had like any feedback or like negative feedback or even self-talk that's like, Ooh, you know, maybe I should stay in this lane. That is just this, you know, super sexy 1 (46m 0s): Instagram girl so much self-talk Oh it's Oh, I'm very insecure. I think that my personality, I really like who I am, but I think I'm kind of different in the sense that I feel like I'm a little old ladies stuck on a young, hot girl's body. I like to read books and go to bed early and play with my puppies and I clean and I like hiking and you know, being mindful of nature and I don't really like vibe with what's popular nowadays. Like the music that I listened to is Broadway and you know, Celtic women. I don't listen to any of that music nowadays. 1 (46m 43s): So I do get very insecure that people will see my personality. I think, Oh, she's weird. You know, she's weird. She's quirky. I'm not, I'm not really vibing with it. But what I have noticed from Twitch, which is probably one of the reasons I love it so much is I am completely myself on there. Cause I'm, I'm live four, four to six hours. I've done it 24 hours where I've slept on stream before. And it's just me. So I am perfectly myself. I'm comfortable in my room. I don't have like stage fried. I'm not trying to really impress anybody and I've gotten great feedback from it. 1 (47m 24s): It's it's made me a lot more comfortable showcasing who I am to, which is great that I did it for 0 (47m 31s): Probably a year or something back when the IRL section was really big. So I mostly did like cooking and drinking and bread wine. Like that was my thing. And then we got pregnant. So it was just not a priority at the time, but it's really cool. Cause you get, you're going to a different community than you get on other social media platforms, which I feel like can tend to lean toxic if you know where to look. You know what I mean? Like on Twitter, Twitter is one of those places that you can really lose faith in humanity. If you look in the right channels, but with Twitch it's like everyone, is this a little family, almost a sound so cheesy, 1 (48m 6s): But it is. That's exactly how it is. I'm in love with the community. I even noticed on my Twitter when I got into Twitch, everyone is so much kinder to me. Instead of, I feel like, I feel like the corn followers who come from like PornHub or whatever, I feel like a lot of it's very derogatory, but Twitch, they're just all about building you up. Oh, clean and we love, and they want to know 0 (48m 33s): More about your personality. And then if someone is mean to you, like they all, you know, gang up on that one person. So it's not like a rewarded to be a troll on their work on Twitter. It's like who can throw the biggest rocket somebody, you know? 1 (48m 45s): Yeah. The community is wonderful. So what would 0 (48m 49s): I'm advice be I guess, to a girl that's either in the industry or like thinking about leaving the industry and just trying to explore other options because you're one of the few examples and I think I said this when I asked you to come on that kind of create like intentionally or not, you pivoted in a very healthy, positive way, right? Like you showed that you can be successful outside of porn and you can be more than just a body. And I think that's so inspiring and a lot of other women would love to hear like how you did it or any advice 1 (49m 21s): In moving forward. I guess the advice I would have is I think it's really about following what you're passionate about. And I think that is especially like new girls coming into the industry. I think that, is there anything like me might be passionate about it? You know, it might be all new and exciting and you know, they, they just want to be on set. They wanna, you know, work with this person. They want to just meet up in the adult industry. I, I really just think Follow what you're passionate about. It doesn't mean you're going to stay passionate. I do like the fact that I've seen more and more women in the adult industry. 1 (50m 2s): I mean since only fans and Snapchat and all of that becoming entrepreneurs. And I think that that's not just translating from the veterans, who've been in it for a long time, but I think it's translating over to the new girls too. They all have. I see that they have Twitch and YouTube and they're trying to kind of even Instagram, I've noticed a bit change in girls on Instagram where they're treating it more like a business, as opposed to just like a personal platform, doing a lot more photo shoots, getting creative with our content and being there. I don't have that. Just being creative. I love seeing it when people are creative. 1 (50m 43s): Yeah, me too. I don't want to take up too much of your time. I do you want to say thank you for giving me your time on the podcast and letting us get to know you a little bit. And do you want to tell the listeners where they can follow you and how they can support you? Like your Twitch stream? All that good stuff. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It was really great, like catching up with you and I'm glad that you're doing so well. Thank you. Beautiful as always you and your body bounce back after your baby, which is super like great for you breastfeeding. If you ever do it. It's the easiest way I learned calories. There's so many. Yeah, I still haven't started dieting. Yeah. 1 (51m 23s): So it's all just from breastfeeding. Oh my God. We are getting thicker right now because the gyms and everything are close. So thank you for having me on you guys can follow me on Instagram, which is at Mia underscore Malkova Twitter Mia Malkova and then Twitch, which is Mia Malkova and, and Twitch is for you to watch by the way. Awesome. Well, thank you again. We'll have to do this again in the future. Yeah, it sounds good. And do the rest of your day. You too, that's it for this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you have the time please rate and review and you can always hit subscribe to stay up to date with our latest episodes. 1 (52m 3s): I hope to have you back.