March 11, 2021

#34 Tera Patrick


Chatting with Candice

Tera Patrick

Episode Run Time: 02:21:06

 

 

Since her on-screen debut in 1999, Tera Patrick transitioned from an adult content star into a renowned businesswoman and worldwide brand. She is the owner of the Teravision INC production company and runs the famous website www.terapatrick.com. Tera Patrick is the only woman ever to be featured on both covers of the Playboy Magazine and Penthouse magazine simultaneously and was crowned runners-up Penthouse pet of the year in February 2002.

In this intriguing episode, I talk to Tera about her on-screen career, how she built her brand, and the importance of having a lawyer present during contract negotiations.

 

[00:07:02] Tera’s advice to young girls joining the adult industry

[00:12:05] Why having standards guarantee longevity in the industry

[00:15:01] How Tera met her daughter’s father

[00:18:45] The importance of being humble even when you’re a superstar

[00:27:01] Tera’s take on the unhealthy competition present in the industry

[00:30:50] How to stop shooting and build your brand

[00:36:00] The essence of knowing your worth 

[00:40:56] Main reasons why Tera stopped shooting

[00:44:16] Talking about Tera’s spirituality

[00:47:00] The pressures of staying relevant in the adult industry

[00:49:06] Dealing with a bad day at work

[00:54:34] Focusing on the more meaningful things in life

[01:02:05] Finding and staying true to your purpose

[01:10:02] Why girls need to speak up when abused

[01:19:00] The importance of having a lawyer present before signing any contract

[01:28:07] Why the industry needs to have more women working behind the scenes 

[01:31:17] Tera’s experience working on OnlyFans

[01:33:50] How to build your solo practice

[01:43:00] The struggles of learning a new language

[01:47:45] Tera’s bad experience with a stalker

[01:50:45] The downside to fan entitlement

[02:01:47] How to find your purpose during the pandemic

[02:07:00] Why starting a podcast is a daunting task

[02:03:30] The importance of traveling the world and experiencing new cultures 

 

Connect with Tera via her website or on OnlyFans

 

Support the show (http://patreon.com/candicehorbacz)

Transcript

0 (0s): Well, let me tell you I was pouring sweat, like pouring sweat, because I'm not a mainstream actress. This is just, you know, that's when I realized Holy crap, like you do have to, even people who suck, they have to be pretty decent because this is so not easy. Okay. 1 (18s): Hello, everybody at your listening to Chatting with Candice I'm your host, Candace swore back before we get started on this week's episode, if you want to support the podcast, you can go to Chatting with Candice dot com. And from there, you can either sign up for our patron account or click that little link that says, buy me coffee. Both things helped me out a ton because I'm just getting started. And I actually have some plans to do some in-person podcasting in April. So yeah, every dollar matters. Thank you so much. And if you're watching on YouTube, but please remember to hit that subscribe button like, and comment this week. I'm really excited. I say that every time, but I'm always really excited for a guest, but this guest is very special to me. 1 (58s): She's one of my role models and idols. And I can't believe I'm about to have this moment with her. So please help me welcome at Tera Patrick no, I mean, your lighting looks great. I've had a lot of people that are like putting lamps all over the place because they're not used to doing zooms or anything like that. So no, it looks awesome. 0 (1m 16s): You look at the same thing that everyone has had to completely adapt to is crazy. Like all of this. Oh yeah. All of the everything's online now. 1 (1m 30s): How did you start doing some more in person things? So I'm actually doing like an LA trip coming up soon. I just feel like in person there's like this energetic exchange that you can't really, unless you have like a lot of like practice, practice, like get like through zoom or like a laptop. I know it sounds kind of like hippy, but I think it's more personal, you know what I mean? 0 (1m 53s): Yeah. Well, and it's funny cause I don't have, we met in person before. 1 (1m 59s): Okay. Let's get a sign next to me at exotica. My last exotica and I was so excited and I was like, I finally get to meet you. And then something happened and I either like maybe you were able to make it or our times didn't link ups. It was in Chicago. I want to say, 0 (2m 15s): Oh, okay. That's the one I missed. Oh, okay. 'cause you don't know that either. Like I know that it's crazy to think that I stopped 14 years ago. Holy cow. So it's it's that so many people came in and out that I never got to meet and you know how it is when you meet people at conventions, you're signing and everyone's is always interrupting you. And so it's okay. 1 (2m 41s): She had such a love, hate relationship with conventions. Like, especially in my first couple years I was like, this is amazing. Like, you just feel like you're on cloud nine. And then every year it becomes like a little less and a little less. And it's just, I feel like I'm the energy. There is like so much like taking like from other people The 0 (3m 1s): Yeah. And it takes so much people don't get it, but just to sit up straight to always be smiling, to always be aware of literally every single thing that goes on around you. If people think that's easy and it's like in hindsight, okay, you're not shoveling snow, but it takes so much out of you. You're so exhausted when you're done. And your like, you know, 1 (3m 24s): I would get these headaches that I've never experienced anywhere else in my life from smiling so much. And it's going to sound crazy and people who haven't experienced it, but it's like right in your occipital is like in the back. And you're just like, I don't know what this is. And I might have to go to the hospital and she felt like, I know, but yeah, I wish I could've met you back when I was still shooting you. I don't know that if this is going to sound weird or not, but like you are one of the women, I've always kind of like idolized. I know like that's like a heavy term, but like when I was younger, I'd see you on the cover of magazines or the cover of like movies. 1 (4m 5s): And I have just thought, you'd be like, that's a woman. Like, that's like what I want to be. And like, I mean, not to over-exaggerate, but one of the inspirations for me getting into the industry. Yeah. So like I have, so I'm part Japanese and like, 0 (4m 23s): Okay. I was wondering that too. I have like a list of questions for you today. 1 (4m 27s): But like you were like, The like the mixed Asian woman that was like exotic and it was in a time of like blond bombshells. So for me, like I think that also was like very powerful. And I was like, I can be pretty to like, I don't have to be this other thing. That's like, you know, all Bay watched out. So Leah, you were a huge, a huge inspiration for me. 0 (4m 50s): Thank you. No, I'm very humbled by that. And I for me, especially, that's why I say I didn't get to cross paths with so many women that are in the industry now. And even though, you know, you talk on Twitter or, or, or you follow people on Twitter, you still kind of don't, that's why I'm so happy. We're chatting today. 'cause you don't have really don't have a gauge of someone. So I understand what your saying, like doing, especially with what your doing and it's so in depth and you really want, you want to understand how an one dimensional we are as people, you know, 1 (5m 25s): That's the thing that always drove me crazy with all the interviews I used to do back when I was still shooting his, the same questions over and over and over again. And none of them had depth. Like it was like, we don't want people to think that she thinks or has an opinion because that might turn someone off and ruin the fantasy. And back when I was first starting out, I was in that light. I dunno if you saw the DP star contest, it was like for a digital playground contract. And one of the panelists, their advice was to not show to much of a, never say that you're married, never say that you're in a relationship with that ruins the fantasy. And I was like, Oh, that just doesn't sit well with me because you spend so much of your time working. 1 (6m 8s): Right? It's like, I don't want to completely abandoned, like who I actually am. Like, that's what differentiates you from another girl? Like, I don't wanna be just like ditzy and available, right? Like there's so much work to me. 0 (6m 20s): And when it gets old, to be honest, it gets old. I mean, you can peddle that shtick for the first six months, but I mean, after a while guys stay, and this is often the advice that I give girls' is when you're building your brand, you should encompass your life. You know, of course what you're comfortable with, because that's why they're going to stay after all these years, they're going to keep joining your only fans where they're going to listen to us talk because they're so curious. They want to know who you are there going to follow you if they like you. 1 (6m 52s): Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So do you, like, what do you mentor girls? Or do you like to try to like dish out advice? Cause I feel like I, when I started to reach that level where I felt like I needed to kind of give back and maybe like, I would see someone about it to like jump into a trap and I'm like, Oh, don't do that. Like, let me help you. But most of the time I feel like ego gets in the way and competition gets in the way. And like, they feel like maybe you're trying to like sabotage them or something, but it never worked out for me. So I kind of just stopped. 0 (7m 21s): I'm the same way. I'll be honest with you. I've always said that my heart is always open. My mind is always open. You know, I I'm really terrible at the social media thing or we live by the way. Yes or no, 1 (7m 35s): No, no, no, no. That's like a whole nother level of complexity. Like I don't want to deal with, so yeah. It's like all recorded. 0 (7m 44s): I'm sorry. Now I'm like, Oh, you know, but something that I'll agree with you on is I found with social media, there's such a barrier there. And I think half of it is jealousy. I think some of it is ego. And I think some of it is almost this desire to, to kind of watch girl's from afar. It's at girls because of their ego. Won't follow other girls, but they're so curious. They want to know what they're doing. They want to know like, Hey girl, what'd you get that outfit? Ooh, she lost a few pounds. I know she did. Was she drinking when she was with this guy last year? And I know him like, you know what I'm saying? 0 (8m 25s): In your mind, you starts going. And so a part of me was I've always made it really clear that I'm I was, I was always available to help girls, as you said, navigate the business, regardless of our personal views, political views, regardless of, you know, things that you choose to do. 'cause I've always said that there's many facets of the adult industry that I don't necessarily support. Meaning some of it to me is very, I would say aggressive. Yeah. So I kind of always stayed more on the glamorous side. I loved feature dancing. That was a huge, huge, a part of the business that I stayed in long after I quit shooting hardcore. 0 (9m 9s): But I've always said to girls, I'm more than happy to give you the advice that's worked for me. If you want to try webcamming, if you want to build your own site, anything that I know that's worked for me, I'm more than happy to help you with that. I've kinda because I would get these DMS like this, guy's taking all my money when I was like, Oh God, I don't wanna be like the therapist, but you know what I'm saying? That's part of mentoring to like, you, you, you feel like you can't really pick and choose what advice do you want to give? But I've tried to just stay more professional than personal as far as mentoring goes. I find that that that's helped me. I dunno if that made sense. 1 (9m 45s): No, it totally does. Like, at least you're still like available for certain things. Like you, you haven't completely closed that door. Where, for me, like its pretty closed. I have just been like burnt too many times. And I don't know. It's like when I started with like at such an open place, like I just, I experienced a lot of shit in my, you know, my Time I've been shooting for like 10 years now, but I've, haven't been shooting mainstream now for about four. And it was like the kind of the same thing like we had similar career is in the same sense is like I've always kind of done the more of like the pretty stuff like, like I have, I performed dirty, don't get me wrong, but I still did it pretty well. 1 (10m 27s): And I never was with more than two people at one time, 0 (10m 32s): Which puts you in a whole different category to not to cut you off. But as far as the fans go and as far as your peers go, it kind of, it kind of in a roundabout way, segregates you as well, just for people listening. Well, that's why I say facets of the industry because there are like strictly webcam girls that are, are strictly. And I find that that's really good at getting blurred now. 1 (10m 53s): Oh yeah. But I like, I don't know. Have you experienced it? Cause it was a, obviously a very different environment, like back when you were shooting mainstream. I know, but like when, because I didn't do more extreme stuff or because like I was very much like a no person. Like I have no problem saying no. If someone was like, you have to do this position or you have to say this or to make this face or whatever it was. If it, if I felt like it didn't represent me properly and like the best light, I would just say no. So I got a reputation of being like a diva or like just in it for the money or to business or she doesn't like sex because she's not doing these crazy things. I'm like, I'm just being myself. 1 (11m 35s): Like I was like, there's no amount of money that's gonna make me do something that I regret that's out there for forever. And I just felt even more isolated because I wasn't doing extreme stuff. And I've heard you say on other podcasts, it's like, but where's your longevity. If you come out the gate and you're doing these crazy things, like then what you have to stay there. You can't go back. Right. And then say, no, I was going to say like, where do you go? Like what what's next after that re like, do you see yourself shoot still shooting for 10, 20 years? Like it's not, it's not sustainable. 0 (12m 7s): It's not a sustainable and something. I think that both of us will agree mentally where you are mentally, your personal life tends to dictate your career life up to a point. So as you said earlier, if I'm on the set one day and I have agreed to go there and shoot, you know, some as a scene and someone on the spot tries to pressure me into doing something more, you've been put in this head-space of stress. And you've been put in this head space of, you know, tension and when it's not an ideal working environment, but it's also, I found that when girls tend to make decisions like that, as you said, they end up living with regrets and then they end up slowly kind of taking their, I don't, I don't want to say morals, maybe standards a bit down. 0 (13m 3s): And I remember speaking to a performer kind of early on. And I remember always telling her if you, you know, you can't, un-ring the bell. And if you don't, if you look, you know, I told her, you don't w the hardest thing to live with, I think in life is regret. Okay, there are some mistakes and you can grow from them and you can learn from them. But exactly, as you said, that money's already spent, it's already gone. It's not going to, unless you invest it, it's not really going to serve you after all these years. So these choices, all of these things that are, that you're making today, you just, you have to stick with them. And I told her it's, it's so worth it to walk away with your integrity. It's so worth it to walk away and no, that we can be proud of your body of work. 0 (13m 47s): You can be proud of what you've done. And mentally, I think that when you transition or when you decide you want to leave the industry, you can completely go with like a clear conscience and just a good feeling. And I think that's the most important thing is your mental health and your spiritual health 1 (14m 4s): 100%. So you, 0 (14m 6s): Especially as you transitioned, right? Because as we said, you know, you get married. Are there are so many things that come up that you don't think are going to happen? You're like, Oh, I met someone or, Oh, I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to start a family. It's, it's hard to think that way, I think in your early twenties, you're making tons of money. 1 (14m 25s): Yeah. And then you have a link that narrative to where people are like, you're never going to find love. You're never going to have a family. So then I think they like kind of dive in a little bit deeper because of that too, because of that uncertainty, I dunno. I was fortunate. Like, when I got in, I was kind of like always dating the same guy, and then we got engaged and then we got married and then we had a baby. So our relationship has gone through like the entire trajectory, like, since I've been shooting. So I've been really lucky. I don't know what it's like dating while you're shooting, especially if you're a really famous, like, that has to be really hard. You met like the father of your daughter was in the industry, right? 0 (15m 4s): Well, it's a funny story. So we're both Fleshlight girls and he was actually the molder for Fleshlight. I met him. So he was he's actually. Yeah. He's my daughter's fathers name is Tony. So he works actually in the special effects industry. So he worked on Superman, Batman. He's worked on tons of Marvel movies. He's a costumer, he's a union costumer and Fleshlight. When they were first starting their company, I was one of the first girls. And so I believe that the owner, Steve, I believe his son was doing the molds, I think periodically. And then they were like, okay, we need to step it up and get a good molder. 0 (15m 44s): So they called around, you know, to some special effects houses in LA. And I remember Tony telling me this funny story that one of the prop guys was like, okay, who wants to go? And we'll pull up a porn star vaginas this weekend. And they were like, and no one said anything. Right. And then Tony was like, does it pay? And he's like, yeah, they pay or a flight. They pay or a hotel. And, you know, Fleshlight, there are amazing. They take such good care of 1 (16m 8s): Us. I love them so much. 0 (16m 11s): There's such a great company. Right? So they flew, they flew us all out and we met, he molded my, yeah, he, so I redid all of my textures. So he molded my mouth, my vagina, and my bud. And we say, we flew home. Actually the photographer who shot everything was Holly Randall. So the three of us flew back to Los Angeles and we had a baby a year later. So that was kind of a whirlwind romance. We're still really good friends. We were together the first two or three years. And then I moved to Italy with our daughter and we're still very close. She spends her. She is, she's so lucky in my daughter. 0 (16m 51s): She gets to grow up in Italy and she gets to grow up in the us. Oh my gosh. Both of us. And amazing. So yeah. So, you know, like you said, it's, it's, I, my husband now is a defense attorney. He's a criminal defense attorney. So I met my husband here in Italy, but it's, it's very true that narrative. And I, I think that it's, it's definitely who you surround yourself with. You have to have a life outside of the business. You have to, I tell girls when they are stuck and they say, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I might transition to you. I tell them, what are your hobbies? What do you like? What are you into? You'll meet people there too. 0 (17m 32s): I think it's so important to just a completely separate yourself once, once in a while and put yourself out there, don't be afraid to put yourself out there. 1 (17m 44s): No, that's amazing advice I wanted to ask you. Like, so I couldn't agree more. It's really important to like, make sure you don't spend too much time on your alter ego, right? So like there's Candace, which is like me and there's Eva, which is the person that is comfortable getting naked and a room full of people and having sex in front of a bunch of people. Like those are, I have to get into a very different head-space to do one or the other. Right. And when you first start, especially if you are a really popular out of the gate, it's very easy to want to stay in your alter ego because that's where the glamour is and the intention and the love and the money in all of these things that, or just telling you, this is where the, all the fun is at. 1 (18m 26s): And it's easy to neglect the real, you know, how, when you were like, obviously one of like the most mainstream porn stars of all time, like, how are you? So like grounded in, like you talk about spirituality, you have a family, like, how did you not let your ego kind of like overtake because I've seen girls that have shot 10 scenes that are walking around and they're like, I'm the queen of England break. And then there's, you who's actually like this powerhouse. Right. And you're just like, you're very humble. So how did you check your ego and have this healthy relationship with it? 0 (19m 0s): One of the first things that happened to me was in 2008, when we had that huge, a crisis financial crisis, I lost both my houses that day and a huge chunk of my savings. Wow. That was super, super humbling to me. And it was kind of in that moment. And by the way, I have worked since 2000. So, you know, putting money away, buying real estate, like I was like, Oh, I'm on a roll. As you said, I was doing conventions. Cash is flowing in and to lose a lot of that, who was really, really humbling for me. It's humbling also, 'cause you realize that it's not everything, you know, it kind of, it kind of forces you to say, well, I'll have to start over. 0 (19m 50s): You know, I'm just like everybody else. And I did a lot. I mean, yeah, it was, it was definitely, I think losing a lot of what I had worked for kind of made me realize I need to stop. I need to really take, I, I need to have a backup plan if this happens. I think just its life, life just really hits you and something that we're going through now with this pandemic, I think kind of also forces us to really reevaluate our priorities. What's most important for us when that happened. In 2008, I was pretty, I was pretty close to done as far as shooting goes. 0 (20m 35s): I think I had probably maybe half a year or one more year that I shot a few more scenes that I stuck them in the can. And then I started releasing them, but it really reevaluated where I was going to go from there. So I went back to and moving abroad was such a big, it was a big relief for me because I found myself also kind of on this treadmill have when I was living in LA of really forcing myself to just work harder, work smarter, always hustling. And I really wasn't taking any time for anything else. I thought if I stay here, I'm not going to focus on my goals. As you said, it's so easy to just do one more shoot. It's so easy to just go, okay, I'll take this job. 0 (21m 19s): You know, we're constantly, we get this carrot dangled all the time, right? No, just one more shoot. You don't even have to get naked. You're like, all right, I'll chew up my Saturday doing that when it's like, no, I was going to go meditate. I was going to hike. I was going to do something for me, but it's always that money, money, money that sucks to be back in. 1 (21m 39s): I think. So I've always lived on the East coast and I just would travel to LA for like a couple of weeks at most, maybe a month. And it helped a ton because again, going back to what you surround yourself with, I would come back and I'd come back home to North Carolina. And my husband would be like, can you tell Eva to like, stay in LA? Like you're back home. Like, and I'd be like, at first I get really defensive. And then I'm like, he's right. Like I'm being like a monster. And part of it was like, I was surrounded by like cars and like all of these dinners. And you start to have like a false sense of who you are. And then also, I, again, just like kind of a bad experience after a bad experience, I had to like, kinda create this like a porcupine shell, have a purse and just to survive in some cases. 1 (22m 29s): But yeah, I think 0 (22m 30s): This is something you learned, Oh God, that was going to say, when you start porcupine shell, I've had, I've had similar experiences with other girls in the industry. And the one of here's, one of the things that I always tell women right out the gate, you may never know why someone just doesn't like you. It could be because their boyfriend wanted to work with you. It could be because their agent said he wanted to sign you. It could be something completely made up. It can be a fan who crawls into your DM and said, well, you know, and this girl said this. I mean, there's just such a huge matrix out there with all these things that are constantly, you know what I mean? And it's, that's the funny thing about entertainment is it's all interconnected in some way or the other, something that was always funny to me was I would always have fans saying, why don't you do mainstream? 0 (23m 23s): Why don't you do more mainstream movies? Why don't you do more of this? And I tell them, because the first few years that I was in the industry, I was doing so well for myself. And I was really arrogant. It never computed to me when a casting agent or someone would say it, but she has to audition. I was like, okay, well I'm Tera but why do I have to have to produce my own? Why are you asking me to audition? And they were like, because that's what we do. And mainstream, like your one of 10 billion in an adult, you're the top of the top. So you can do whatever you want. And I was like, huh. Okay. So I decided to chance it. And I did this audition for the Sopranos and I had to read with James Gandolfini. 0 (24m 6s): Well, let me tell you, I was pouring sweat, like pouring sweat, because I'm not a mainstream actress that just, you know, that's when I realized Holy crap, like you do have to, even people who suck, they have to be pretty decent because this is so not easy. But you know, the moral of the story is that I remember him saying, you know, it was nice reading with you and I was just sweating and mortified. And you know, when you have these experiences, all of these experiences, they, yeah. They humble you. And so I told myself, okay, you know, I'm just going to be a little bit nicer. I mean, it's, you know, I try not to read too much into what I think girls think or what they tweet or what they say. 0 (24m 51s): We do have a lot of experiences, but I try to tell myself, you know, let it make you better. Somethings really just have to shrug off. I know now, because we do so much with technology. It's so hard to, you know, how many times that we read a text, looked at it and we were, we answered it in our head and then we went to make dinner and then days went by. So I try not to think I did something. She hates me because I know how careless I can be. 2 (25m 20s): Oh, I'm the worst at re re responding via text, like shit. I thought I responded. Okay. 0 (25m 28s): Okay. And you mean, while you, you answered it in your head and you're like, you you're sending her good vibes. You're like, yeah, girl, I remember that day, but she never replied to her, but in your head you did. And you were like, Oh, so I think that, yeah, we really just have to, I think, take a, take a beat and to be nicer to ourselves. And I was so happy when you reached out to me too, because again, I think that when you, when I started in 2000 and then you had come in years later, we really never got to cross paths. And there are so many women that I really did want to just like, we're having just wanted to have a nice conversation with, you know, because I believe that there is so much more we have in common than we don't have in common. 0 (26m 12s): Oh yeah. But we never get to convey that. 2 (26m 15s): Okay. And that, I think, again, it goes back to like everyone giving you that really shitty advice of like, not getting into anything real or deep, then you never get to know anybody. Cause like everyone's constantly walking on eggshells and living in This this fake character. And that's like, I guess maybe one of the reasons why I never got really close with anyone while I was shooting too, that was in the industry is I would start forming these relationships like with you, no girlfriends guy, friends or whatever. And like, they never really let you in, like it was, I can only know you so much. And then any time, like something real would happen or I dunno, like you have, like, those tests have relationships, right. To like, see like what's actually has staying power and what does it? 2 (26m 59s): And it just, they all kind of like just fell through 0 (27m 3s): Success is a funny thing, too. It breeds a contempt and in entertainment we're naturally, I think we are pitted against each other and kind of a strange way. It's sometimes not even intentional, but I found that, for example, at conventions, I found that some girls will be like, well, why is her line so long? Why is this, why is that way as this? And I'm like, Oh, well, you know, let her have her moment. But I mean, everybody has their, I think that it's just, it's like a it's human nature. Maybe, you know, to feel that a little bit of that. Why is it not me? But it's, it's, it's a funny business. 0 (27m 45s): And sometimes I ask myself, I'm sure you do too. I'm in fact, I was going to ask you, you know, that there is that moment. Everybody has that moment. I don't know if it's, when you're on set. I don't know if it's, when you see yourself when you're like, you're proud. I don't know. I was very proud when every time I got a magazine cover, that was a huge accomplishment for me. Modeling has always been my first love. And I think that some of the, I don't want to go as far as to say painful moments that we have in the business, because it's work, it's so much work to be successful. It's so much work to get to where we are. And I think that sometimes we're not even allowed to enjoy these milestones or accomplishments that we have and be like, was there something that you accomplished through your life? 2 (28m 33s): Okay. I would say when I got Penthouse pet, that was pretty big for me. I knew it was something and it was, the timing was perfect, honestly. So I had kind of just made that final decision. I'm like, I did my last scene. Like I'd thought about it for probably a year and every time I'd get ready to stop, like that carrot would come down and like this one, we're a seed, just one showcase, just this thing. And I'm like, okay, okay. Okay. Well, I've kind of wanted to do that, are wanting to work with them. So it'll always be a reason to be like, sure. I would do it. And I finally made that decision, like this is my last scene and I didn't really tell anybody yet. And then I was talking to Mark Spiegler and he's like, Hey, I think I can get you Penthouse but he wasn't even my agent, like, he just kinda of like set this up for just out of the goodness of his heart. 2 (29m 19s): So I go in for like the test shoot at the office and then a week later they're like, yeah, we're going to bring you down. And we're going to do you, like, the whole spread were to make you pet blah, blah, blah. I got my key. And I was like over the moon because it was something I always wanted. I always want it to be a PED. I always wanted to like, have like that centerfold. And it was like the last thing I did. So it was so cool. Yeah. I was like the cherry on top. So I just, I feel like everything happens for a reason. And like, the timing was perfect. It was kind of like the universe rewarding me for like going on the right path. Right. It was more like your making the right choices. So here's this thing. 2 (29m 60s): But that was the hardest thing. Cause I mean, there's a lot of fear when you stop shooting mainstream, you're like, I'm going to be forgotten. I'm going to lose my fan base. What happens if, what I do next doesn't work out and then I have to come back and like, I feel like that never really looks good because everyone has that assumption. Like she's coming back because she failed. Right. And that might not be the case, but that's just what the narrative is. It's all of these things are spinning and yeah, I don't know. I just had enough signs that like, it was my time to like throw in the towel, but I think that's like the beautiful thing about what's happening with the pandemic is a lot of these girls were kind of forced to start self producing and they are getting a whole new understanding of their self-worth and like their value and their brand. 2 (30m 46s): And I think that's so powerful and I'm really excited to see where that goes. 0 (30m 52s): I am as well. And I think that for what I, what I like seeing too is I love seeing, I did not know anything about, I had done productions. You know, I had done movies where I have my budget's and I have to hire everybody, but self-producing is on a whole nother level where, you know, you, you did, you do everything, absolutely everything. And I like seeing how creative everybody's getting and I've picked up. What's really nice lately too, is I said earlier, I'm really terrible at social media, there was this gap. I would think from like, I would say from 2008 to maybe 2015, where I saw everybody just really getting on Twitter or getting on Instagram, getting verified, going through this whole process. 0 (31m 37s): And I was like, well, I'm at the school. You know, I'm maintaining my website. I still, I mean, I still have my pace site. It's it's, I've kept it all of these years. It still does really well. So I kind of always was have this mentality, that social media just wasn't a paywall, so I never utilized it. And now I'm kind of seeing how many women have and how it's done really well for them. And so I kind of feel like that was, that's been something to, everyone's just sort of learning different facets of technology. Like you starting to support you doing your podcasts. 2 (32m 13s): It is hard. I'm like the least tech savvy person in the world. So I'm like watching all these YouTube videos of how to like set up all of this audio. It was a nightmare. 0 (32m 24s): Oh, YouTube is amazing. That's the thing too. You'll fall down this rabbit hole. That's what I was doing with it. You know, back to self producing lighting, what's the best angle to light your butt. I'm like, I can't believe I don't even know how to light my bad, but I would see these girls taking these incredible, these women taking incredible selfies. And I was like, I can't do that. I would do a a hundred now. And I'm like, Nope, all in the trash 2 (32m 46s): In a hundred though, too. 0 (32m 49s): And realize that later. And then that's when you really realize, okay, we're all on the same boat. Let's not be hard on ourselves. No, one's really in reinventing the wheel. But now that we're having to be a lot more resourceful and this changes the game a little bit too, and I'm happy. I'm so happy that there are platforms like only fans and you know, smaller platforms that exist where we can upload our own content. And we can just absolutely, you know, decide how we take our payments. We're not really under the thumb of a company. There's so much more details how much we shoot, how much we can make. That's 2 (33m 29s): The most shocking thing to me. I like, do you ever have those moments where you look back at younger, you and you just laugh because like you see how worried you were in a moment and how ridiculous that was. And in hindsight, so the thought of me thinking that I wouldn't be able to like support my, my household right anymore. If I stopped shooting, like that was a huge fear of mine was like, what if all of my income goes to zero? And then I start self produce and producing. And this is before only fans, even this is when I just was like really focusing on my website. And all of a sudden I started seeing what that was. And it was like predictable income write. It was just like these memberships that are, are auto-renewing. 2 (34m 10s): And I was like, Oh my gosh, how silly of me? And then only fans happen. And then that even just amplified everything else. And like you said, that a lot of these girls are getting like really creative. So I'm really curious, like what studios are going to do, because it's when I was shooting. I know like a lot of girls don't like talking about rates and everything, but my, before I got contracted, I was at 1500 and then I got contracted and then my seen my regular rates were three. And everyone was like, who does she think she is? That is so high. She must have this inflated sense of her, her, you know, herself. And like, I'm like, well, it's my body, first of all. 2 (34m 51s): So I get to kind of call those shots and to think that that was Hi in retrospect for an entire day. Like a lot of people don't realize, like my longest days were like 18 hours on set. 0 (35m 1s): Okay. And for the rest of your life, by the way, you don't get residuals. No, this is the end all be all right. 2 (35m 8s): The purpose of that and sell it in other countries. So like that one product that you made, they turned into a, a a hundred, they'd turned it into a calender, they turn it into an HBO series. They did all of these things and you get this tiny little sliver. Yeah. So it really shifted my mindset on that. And I was, I don't know, I felt like a lot more, I guess like proud and like in control and like, it, it validated my, my decisions back then when like, everyone's like, you need to be at a thousand dollars. I'm like, that's crazy. I was waitressing and bartending in pulling that in a shift when I use the most cool. That's crazy to me to have like this very personal scene online for forever. 2 (35m 48s): Right. And that closes so many doors to like moving forward. Like I can never go be a pro like, well, maybe I could be a professor, a professor, but it's very unlikely and I can't go sell insurance. And I can't like, there's a lot of things that I can't do because of my past, right. That it has to be worth it. 0 (36m 4s): It has to be worth it. And something that, you know, we've said before is that you have so many girls competing or, or thinking that there are competing for the exact same spot and what to tell them is, you know, these companies shoot, you know, first of all, I think that a lot of them shoot, they should a particular kind of person anyway. So I always tell girls what happens is a lot of girls will come in and intentionally undercut them just to get a scene, just to get something. And like you said, I have really high rates to a few times. I even went up to 5,000 because I'm like, listen, I'm going to be there for, well, I'm going to be there all day and all night. 0 (36m 45s): And by the way, looking back, so many of them were spliced into softcore, other scenes. I mean, I remember one movie being three movies and I thought, well, I don't remember doing that. And they have chopped it up and put, and again, you never get, you never get any residuals. You never get anything else after that. So, you know, I was going to touch on what you just said. That was another reason why I moved abroad was I never really had any barriers to anything else I wanted to pursue. But I did notice that the culture in America is definitely a lot more star struck. 0 (37m 25s): I walked my daughter to school everyday. You know, I have been able to go to school here, the university with no issues. People don't really approach me as much, but when they do, they're very polite. I think that it's just a very different community. It's just a very different culture. And that kind of was really important to me in raising my daughter. I didn't want her to have to. I remember when my brother was young, we went to, this is so funny. You are going up. We went to the LA zoo and we were on a golf cart. Cause they were like taking us up the Hill. I think we we're going to where the reptiles work. And my brother was like, this guy is running after our golf cart. 0 (38m 7s): And he was like, Tera Terra. And I'm like, just turn around. Nevermind. And they were like, so I think that's when we had to tell them, okay, you know, this is what I've, you know, it was, they got older, but I definitely found that. I remember even holding my daughter, I remember a valet guy, like had a phone and was trying to take a selfie and I'm like, I'm holding my child. It just became so invasive. 2 (38m 32s): Ooh. That's like a hard for me is baby stuff. So 0 (38m 40s): You understand what I'm trying to say? Like you they're, you know, we're so entitled to our personal life. Like I've had guys argue with me on Twitter and say, well, it's so rude that you won't give a fan of picture. And I'm like, why you won't let me be with my child. 2 (38m 54s): Wow. It's just, yeah, I have, Ooh. I hope that moment never comes because I don't know how I would react. I'm like, so, so, so private with him. Like I haven't shared his name, his photos, not anywhere on line. Like I just try to give him that privacy. And then if he decides he doesn't want me to want it later, that's up to him. Yeah. I don't. I think you have to have that awareness of when is an appropriate time to approach someone. And when's not because of the ways that child's not asking to be like famous or like, you know what I mean? Like you just, you just do that. That's crazy. Ooh. I would say my craziest fan experience. 2 (39m 34s): I was M I was staying at this hotel that was connected to a mall. That sounds really weird. I don't know why the hotel, I think it was like featured dance 0 (39m 43s): Where you are featuring and they, Oh, okay. Are you there? So I was like, okay. Our mentality is like, we'll put her next to the mall. 'cause she could get a Victoria secret or 2 (39m 52s): Spend like her free time there and not get bored or something. So I was walking around and I had this fan and I was on the phone. Like I was on the phone with my husband and he just comes up and he's like, Oh my gosh, like, can I get a picture? Just starts taking it without waiting for my response. And like, okay, well I'm on the phone. I have to go. And I was just like getting uncomfortable. So I went and I turned around to go back into the hotel. He starts to following me and get the elevator with me. And I was like, you got to get out of the elevator. Like, you can't see what room I'm in like this isn't okay. And like, he, it just didn't compute. And then he was acting like I was being super rude. I was like, don't get it off the phone with me yet, because there's like this situation happening. And it's, I don't think that that happens to most, most celebrities and most regular celebrities and people stand. 2 (40m 35s): Right. Like, and it goes back to when you're deciding what your, what your value is. Like, we have to deal with a lot of stuff that people don't consider. Right. And then having someone invade like your, the time with your child, like these are all things that we have to deal with. I think I remember hearing you say you stopped shooting after you became a mom. Was there like a reason, like why did you just have like a shift of just like how you saw the industry? 0 (41m 3s): Well, so I stopped shooting in 2008. Okay. And my daughter was born in 2012. So this is a full four years before. So actually funny enough, that period from 2008, till 2012, I was pretty out of the industry. I had moved actually to Las Vegas. So I'm very close with my family. Very close to both of my parents. I have a younger sister. Who's two years younger with me. She actually went on my book tour with me when I wrote my book. And as she 3 (41m 34s): Did my accounting for a few years, so my family, I mean, listen, we never had Tera Patrick movie night obviously, but there are super, super like we are right. Like we ever would. But no, but I mean, they're super, super supportive. I've always had a very, they've always been, you know, my mom's always like, look, that's my daughter on a billboard when I was featuring in Vegas. So they've always been, been good with my, with my choices, I guess. And actually my dad's proudest moment, believe it or not was when I post for Hi times. Cause he is actually a farmer or a grower. And I remember when I did the cover of high times and he got like four copies and I was really high times, but I stopped from 2008 to 2012 and I really got into real estate. 3 (42m 23s): So I started investing and that was sort of weirdly enough after the crash, but that was sort of my mind kind of going forward. I was really taking that mental break I was physically done. I think it was more as like you said earlier, I did everything that I wanted to do. There wasn't really anything left to accomplish. I've had fans ask me such funny questions, like, but didn't you want to do a gang bang? Does that you want to work with so-and-so didn't you want to work with so-and-so I'm like, well then I'll never retire because it's not like you just get to, I mean, of course you get to cherry pick who you work with, but it's not like it happens super fast, you know, when you just shoot this scene right then and there. 3 (43m 7s): But I kind of told myself, this is just, I want to, I'm going out on a Hi I'm proud of the work that I've left behind. I look my best. It's really just time to start working smarter. I have to find some other things to invest in. I would really like to finish school and I'd really just like to secure my future. I was on my own and that was really, I think it was just a real, I'll be honest with you. It was a reel. It was like a soul. It was like a soul epiphany. I guess I had it, there was nothing bad that happened. And there was nothing I think to look forward to. 3 (43m 50s): I saw the industry really shifting and changing, you know, especially with, I guess like production wise. Yeah. I saw a lot of companies just kind of changing over, you know, there really just wasn't anything more to do. 2 (44m 5s): Yeah. I can relate to that. Do you, so why do you spend a lot of time, like with like spiritual practice or anything? Cause like I get a vibe that you're like, this is like spiritual creature. Okay. 3 (44m 19s): Well I actually, I meditate every day that as the first thing that I do after I drop my daughter off. So every day, no matter what I take my daughter to school, which is really, I will say she changed 0 (44m 32s): The entire course of my life in 2012 when she was born. And I relate to exactly what you said so hard when we first started talking, I remember a company that I was actually under contract two at the time I was terrified. I was six months pregnant. Holly Randall actually secretly shot me for my websites so I could stop How content until I was eight months. She was like, girl, got to suck it in. You've got to stop it in. But it was funny. She was the only person that knew because I told her Holly I'm terrified that people, you know, they are going to cancel my contract's or that they're, you know, I always heard, I don't know, just legally that they couldn't do that, but I was still really scared that it just wouldn't be acceptable. 0 (45m 19s): So yeah. So I, I announced it at six months and then right when she was born, I think that was really that cemented everything for me even further, I felt happy because I had a lot of content stockpiled, but I, I knew I was making the right decision and I felt happy that I could just raise her, that I could just focus on being a mom. I think it's such a magical, wonderful gift as hokey as that sounds because it's stressful, it's stressful, but it's being pregnant and I can't describe it. And then how having your baby it's, it's a blissful magical. 0 (46m 1s): It transforms you like biologically mentally on a cellular level. It just completely changed me. And that's something every day. I really, really, especially these past few years that I've been able to live in Italy and that I've been able to just enjoy my life and the pace of my life, my life is at a slower pace. Now it's about half of what it was, but I'm so grateful and I'm so happy. And that is something that I meditate on and think about every day. Something I never did when I was younger was I never listened to my inner voice. I never listened to my instincts. 0 (46m 44s): I didn't take much time to become aware of my consciousness. And I think that that was not good. I mean, a lot of bad to have a session. 1 (46m 54s): The same. It's hard though, because if your not like creating like that healthy space for your voice, to be clear, it gets like muddled down with all of this nonsense. If that makes sense, if that makes sense, like material things or ego things or things that maybe even, you know, aren't you, but you're young and dumb. So it seems like a good idea. 0 (47m 17s): We are also being fed to work catered to, we work in an industry that caters to us, someone comes and makes this beautiful and people come in and tell us we're beautiful. And then that's validated even more by 3 (47m 30s): Our fans. And we're constantly just, you know, were being petted and we're being stroked and we're not allowed to, I think, feel a certain way too. It's like, we can't feel pain because why not? You are getting paid. You looked beautiful. You have all of this. How could you feel sad? So a lot of, I could remember actually going out onto set sometimes feeling, I wouldn't say scared, but your, you have to get in to this head space you're performing. And so sometimes there's butterflies, sometimes there's anxiety, but you've got someone else to bring you and pushing. You need to know, you can't feel that way. You can't feel that way. So you're like, okay, I've got to just find a way to cope. 3 (48m 10s): It's a very isolating feeling as well. And I mentioned this on Twitter before that's often, Y you know, sometimes people really think that you're hard. Or like you said earlier that your arrogance, when all you're really doing is you're protecting yourself. You're just trying to guard your heart. You're just trying to guard your consciousness. You know, it's, it's a lot of energy that you're putting out there 2 (48m 38s): Ton of energy and it's, so I didn't have like an agent most of the time, I was mostly kind of by myself. And there was definitely the advantages to that, but there were, and probably an equal amount of disadvantages. Like I didn't have anyone, like in my corner, if I needed any one, I didn't have anyone of us as that buffer. So like, normally your agent can be the bad guy, right. If something happened, I didn't have that. So I had to be that. So then my reputation kept growing and growing and growing, but it can be a lot, like, I mean, I don't want to say that my, I never say regret my time in the industry. Like I would say overall, it was more good than bad, but towards the end, it was just like, like overwhelming. Like I started getting anxiety. I was never really like an anxious person. 2 (49m 21s): And then like, I would have it and not be able to shake it. And then I think meditation is great. Working out is great, like grounding yourself and in other activities that take you away from that space and remind you like who you are is very important. But when you're out there and you're shooting like five days a week, it's very hard to not get like wrapped up in it. 3 (49m 40s): And it's impossible. It's impossible at times, even times, like now to, to sometimes just shake a feeling off. Sometimes we just wake up and we just don't feel good. That was actually me. There was a day last week where I was sitting and it took me like 10 minutes to realize that I'm half meditating because I'm like, This like, I'm so cleansed. And I'm, I've got some weird song in my head and I'm like, this just isn't working. You know? And I remember having this weird, funny thought, like, you know, just the Dalai Lama get mad. Like does duddy, Doug get mad? She, you know, you, you really there's this whole, this whole feeling of we're all in this together. 3 (50m 27s): No, we're not. We're all completely dealing with things the best way that we can. You know, some people are oblivious to what's going on. Some people have a lot of sensitivity. Other people are very hardened. And I think that we're realizing now how affected we can be by our environment. And I think for me, what was hard was Italy was one of the first countries that went into a super hard lockdown because we had so many deaths early on. So for me walking around, I would just go out just to get fresh air because I thought I need to keep my immune system up. I just need to keep going, but to see the businesses close, to see people not outside, it really just, it, it was giving me this feeling of it was not an ominous feeling, but I think these are the times that as you said earlier, we need to find faith in something. 3 (51m 19s): We need to find our center. We're going to have good days. We're going to have bad days. There are days where it's not easy to, I've wanted to create. I've had these great ideas to create content because I'm like, Oh, am I the fans and suffering? Or, you know, we put so much pressure on ourselves, but we have to really focus on taking care of ourselves too. And this is something that I tell girls that are active, especially now, I think in an industry that you and I know all too well is can just really chew you up. 2 (51m 55s): There's always a younger girl, right? There's always someone younger and hungrier. So I think for me, like I learned that really early on when I started shooting that I'm very introverted. So when I didn't know anyone where I was brand new, I would often like, be like the weirdo on the side, just like watching everyone else interact. And I was always like paying attention and taking mental notes of like, just all of the relationships and how easy it is for girls. Like even at the very top, like if they do anything wrong and they are not prepared, like you can just all kind of go away. So that's why I was like a very early point. Like I started my website and all of these other things. 2 (52m 35s): And I've tried to like, I guess, like focus on things that we're more and more, I want to say important, but like more real, I guess then than shooting. And I think I got into like meditating and spirituality probably towards the end. Like I started to kind of create like this callus of a person and I didn't like that. And I, it wasn't like serving me and be like, w my relationship with my husband, wasn't at its best. My relationship with my mom, wasn't at its best in all of these things. I just started become very like angry and resentful and just like hard. So we went to Arizona, we did like this retreat for like a week. 2 (53m 15s): It's like basically like alpha brainwave training. I talk about it all the time when people are probably sick of it, but it like really changed my life. Like the guy that founded it is this like PhD doctor, neuroscientists guy, but he's also like very spiritual. And I had always been really curious about spirituality. Like my grandma, like she, you know, prays to, she has like her whole shrine and she does it twice a day. And it's like a very much a part of her life. And she always talked about an experience and energy's and all of these things, but I never like implemented it into my, my daily practice. And then I do this week long retreat and I leave it like a completely different person, like lighter, happier, like less judgemental, less like easily defend, like offended. 2 (54m 5s): And like, it's going to sound crazy. But I honestly think it's like what led me to even getting pregnant. Cause I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. And then I did all of this work and all of a sudden, like my doctor's like, I don't know how you were pregnant. Like, congratulations. That's wonderful. But I don't know how it, how it happened for you. And honestly, I think my life just completely did a one 80 when I started focusing on like meditating is spirituality in a sense of something bigger and more meaningful it's yeah. It's the reason I am where I am today. 0 (54m 34s): Okay. Well while that is the one thing we have to be as open, we have to be ready and we have to be open to accepting, you know, how we want because I, I S I've always believed This that this is just our vessel while we're here. And I know that on my mother's Buddhist, she's tired. You know, I remember you said you're half Japanese, 2 (54m 54s): A 30%. I say half. Cause it sounds sexier. 0 (54m 60s): Happy's I've been to Japan like 23 times of many, many times in Japan is my most favorite place in the whole world. My soul is deeply happy there. And something that I found when I first went to Japan was how they appreciate everything. Everything has a purpose. They give thanks for everything into everything. One of the most beautiful things I saw, I remember going to an onset and this was before I was tattooed because I cannot go now, but I remember them asking me, okay, we have to pray and we have to give thanks for the water. And we have to give thanks for, you know, for, for all the flowing water in the trees. 0 (55m 43s): And I was like, okay, you know, and yeah, it, it was like, wow, these people are so grateful. And so, you know, it's true. It's so true when you open yourself to gratitude and that's when you really start to feel the transformation. And for me, it was really my daughter. I remember before. I mean, I don't want to go as far as to say I was a selfish person, but when your life is your own, there's just so many things that don't come into play. Right. And so, as you've said, you know, every single day, even if I just take 10 minutes, you know, I always 10 minutes in the morning or 10 minutes at night. 0 (56m 25s): And I tell my husband and my husband actually shocked me because he's a defense attorney and criminal defense attorney. It's a very hard work. He deals with a lot of, I mean, he takes on so many cases and he just, I mean, some of the things he's told me really make me, I'm disappointed in humanity, but you know, he has some hard stuff that he has to deal with. And he, I remember one night is we were falling asleep. He told me, thank you for making me a little more grateful. Oh, that I was like, wow, you're welcome. 'cause you know, for me, I told him, you have to, you have to let these things go. You, we can only take on so much. I found myself just like you in the end sort of period of the industry. 0 (57m 10s): I found myself just really low on energy, not finding joy in so many things. I'm like, I live in LA. I can afford a $20 juice, mind boggling, you know, 'cause you leave the house and you've already spent what, a hundred dollars on a 40 everything is. And like, I need to take a moment and appreciate this. And you don't, we just, we just stuff ourselves. And we take so many things for granted. So like you said, when we decide to be open and accept, 2 (57m 48s): This is when everything starts happening. It's like, I feel like there's always like clues as to like what you're supposed to like the path you're supposed to be on. Like your, like, if you were to look at it is like hitting a strike, write like the most beautiful, easiest, like fullest expression of your experience here on earth. I feel like the closer you get to that, the more rewards you start getting. And I think the further away for me that the more struggle you start to get, and I don't know that I feel like that's kind of just been like, if I look back, I'm like, Oh boy, like that was, I could of made that easy on myself. Yeah. I think about it, 0 (58m 27s): Your mom or something away from it and which is important. 2 (58m 30s): Yeah. I think there's a huge importance to any kind of a struggle. I think if we could just reframe that and look at again, like look at it with gratitude and to see like, how is this serving me? Like, there's a reason why this is happening. And like, there's, there's no pain without purpose. I don't think so. What can I learn from this? And how can I make better decisions? You know what I mean? Yeah. And so becoming a victim of your circumstance would be like, no, this is actually an empowering moment. Like I can become like the hero of this circumstance. So like, what do I need to shift? And for me, like becoming a mom was, or I should say the whole thing of me getting pregnant was like a very, it's been a, it's been a ride. So I shared the F I shared me being pregnant with my fan base, which a lot of people hide that they don't say when they become a mom. 2 (59m 17s): And then I went back and forth. If I was going to still shoot while I was like, not hardcore 'cause for me, that there is that wasn't safe to me. So I was like, that was off the table, but like solos or even photos, whatever. And like, it wasn't sure yet. So I was stockpiling content just in case. And then for me, it just seemed like, like, I feel, why not almost like I didn't like overthink it. And I was like, probably a little bit angry in my decision making. Like I was almost like, I'm not going to let anyone tell me what I can and can't do or what, how far I can shoot or not shoot. And people it's like still my body. And just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean that I can't be sexual. 2 (1h 0m 1s): Like this was my mindset. And I still believe that. But, so I started shooting and I obviously got like a lot of different feedback. Like some people were very Intuit. Some people were like your horrible person. And so that both, both spectrums existed. And it was really hard. Like I got comments that were like, you're a child. Will this have nothing to do with shooting pregnant? This is just because of who I was. But there, like your child is going to kill them, all of us. Like, like, how can you say that to someone like that? It's like, that's a very dark, that's a very heavy, like to just throw that at someone in that I, it blows my mind, but we had a really, really difficult delivery. 2 (1h 0m 44s): Like he M he was born with an app garbed zero. And he had to spend a week in the NICU and he was put into medically induced hypothermia to protect his brain from swelling. Like, it was the most traumatic experience of my entire life. And I remember in that moment, when they were rushing him out, out on the crash cart, I was like, how, like, what, like, what was my participation in this, I guess, like energetically speaking or spiritually speaking. And then I got my mind spun to shooting. And I was like, is this because of this and that? I had to like, walk myself back out of that, because I truly believe like you're not ever being punished. 2 (1h 1m 25s): Right. Like, I don't think that that's how the university's, but when you're in those moments, it's very easy, but it made me like think back at a certain decisions. And I don't know that I would do it again. And I think part of it was because, like, I made those decisions, like out of anger rather than like empowerment. When, like, for me specifically, obviously doesn't pertain to anyone else that shoots while they're showing. But for me, that was such an epiphany. And a lot of it was like, if, you know, if he doesn't make this, like, nothing else matters, like my money doesn't matter. My relationships don't matter. Like, I'm just gonna like, disappear off of the planet because like, I don't see myself like surviving this situation. 2 (1h 2m 7s): And it puts so much into perspective for me, because it's so easy to get caught up in like identifying yourself by these things, right? Like I'm a person that has millions of followers and this blue check Mark and this nice car and whatever, all these stupid things, our, and in that moment, when you're about to lose, like the most valuable thing and the world to you, you're like, hold on. And then you get, it makes you realize like where you were falling short, if that makes sense. 0 (1h 2m 33s): Okay, well, that's your epiphany. And the thing is we can never compare because of course, like I had mentioned earlier, I mean, and this is a no way in comparison, but when I lost everything in that crash, I remember saying to myself, this is what I worked for. Like, I took all my money from all these years of working and I stuck it in a bank and in two houses, like, and it's gone. It was just literally gone like that. And that's when I had, like you said, I have this thought of going, this is stupid. Like, there's so much more to life than just working and putting it away. That's the mentality and the mindset that's drilled into us to, I think even still now, because we're told we need to have security, we need to have, okay. 0 (1h 3m 20s): Yes, of course, to function, we need to have money in the bank, or we need to have a savings, but when it just evaporates or when it's gone, that's when we realized that, you know, to have our health, something that I think about everyday, like you just said, the thoughts in your head, these become your actions. The this becomes your environment. This becomes what you project, this becomes, I think your reality, you know, we have a way in our mind really has a way. It's always funny to me when I see people not funny, like, Oh, how funny? But late at night, when I see, Oh, I'm having insomnia, I'm like, well, get off your phone. You know, I, I always power mine off at night and I put it away and I put it in another room and I, I forced myself to sleep and I, or if I can't sleep, then I read or I go stretch because having some, having yourself attached to something, we have to really learn to also be without things we have to be okay with just being okay. 0 (1h 4m 24s): We have to be able to sit quietly to think, you know, to think about what's most important to us to not be so connected to things that aren't inside of us. Also, I do believe that we can heal ourselves. We really can. Our thoughts or such a big process of are a big part of that process. So many things that happen to us traumas a lot of things I remember having to, like I said, that transition period, when I was first moving here, I have to take accountability for a lot of things. And that's really hard to, it's really hard to sit down and have a conversation with yourself and say, why are we here? 0 (1h 5m 7s): Oh, we're here because of this. I mean, we sometimes just want to turn it off and say, no, no, no, no, no, that was not my fault. But then I think that that's when you really start to heal too and grow and grow. That's the other thing, one, one of the biggest pushes for me to come here was growth to have you really want that. 1 (1h 5m 31s): I have, you had like health issues. 'cause like the way that you were speaking about like healing and self healing. And that makes me think maybe like you had something that you worked on or I'm like, it might be reading. 0 (1h 5m 42s): Well, you know, I don't know. I so it's a funny, I when I first started in the industry, I had a contract with a company and back then also I didn't have an agent. I didn't have a lawyer look over it. And when I wanted to get out of my contract, they ended up taking me to litigation and it was devastating for me because they had me, I had been in the industry for two years. We were like, well, if you're not going to continue to stay with us, we're going to blacklist you. And they worked really hard on doing that and I was able to get out of it, but it left me with this feeling of kind of like you said, okay, it's me against the industry. 0 (1h 6m 25s): Everything that I do, everything, you know, it has to be for me, I can't rely on anyone. I can't trust anyone. And it's a very isolating and lonely place to be because I have fun during my years in the industry. But there were some, there were some times where I just felt really lonely. You know, I kind of wished I had someone that I could just ask for advice, or am I doing this ride? Or am I doing, you know, you're just kind of navigating everything on your own. And there is not always someone, especially in our line of work. I mean, I always say that I call them civilians. 0 (1h 7m 7s): I mean, normal people don't always understand what we do. And then we can't really just had this conversation. Like, 1 (1h 7m 15s): Or even like some of my closest girlfriends, like back when I was shooting, I would try to talk to them. They're like, I don't know what you want me to say here. I guess we just want you to listen. You know, what do you mean? Cause yeah, you can't get advice from someone who has an experienced it because it's so often 0 (1h 7m 29s): The law. Right. Or they don't believe you that are just like, right. But you know, like I started to feel like I was like conspiracy theories before conspiracy theories. Like, they're like, no, that doesn't happen. I'm like, listen. And they tried to force me to sign this contract and they're like, well, why would they do that? So I'm like, you don't know, you don't get it. It's 1 (1h 7m 52s): Okay. One of my contracts, I was like, okay, well you have to, I'll get back to you in like a week. I have to give it to my attorney to look over. And they're like, why? I'm like, what do you mean? Why? They're like, Oh, everyone just signs it. And I was like, well, if she wants to just sign it, that's fine. But I'm going to have someone review. And there was a ton of changes. And they're like, of course you have is changing. All of this stuff was like, because it's nonsense. There's a lot of words in there. I don't like. And then, Oh yeah, that makes you difficult. 0 (1h 8m 19s): Makes you difficult. But 1 (1h 8m 21s): Again, you don't wanna be legally obligated to do something with your body that you're going to regret later. And then I ended up actually getting canned early without cause, but who's going to go up against a giant company. Right. But there was still a lot of stuff that I would show up to set. And like, like, I don't know how your contracts were, but we would like list out everything I was like willing to do and then the price. And then if it wasn't their, and they wanted me to do something, then we could maybe like table it in like discuss what it would work for at all for parties involved. But if it was in their, it was expected that it wasn't going to happen in that contract for a year. 1 (1h 9m 1s): So I would show up to the sets and S like very extreme things, like, you know, like massive orgy would be there and that's that priced out. I never said I would do that. And I would be in the UK. So they flew me across the friggin world to shoot with no one that I knew. I didn't have any friends, an agent, nothing. I show up to set with all of these people. And they're like, Oh, this is what we are doing. And I was like, well, it's not because I never agreed to, I didn't consent to this. So that just kept happening over and over and over again. So finally I like went to social media, which I think is one of the biggest blessings of having such a platform is that you can like expose certain things. And I was like, well, this just happened. 1 (1h 9m 41s): And then as soon as I lifted the lid on that, they're like, okay, well you no longer have a job. And then I got blacklisted and I had to find like these smaller companies and then work on my site. And it was, it was hard. It was definitely hard. I, I understand why girls don't speak up. You, you, if you are not like, if you don't have like that inner strength, like you just, you just did all this for nothing. And now you have to start over. 0 (1h 10m 8s): That's the that's. And that's what I had gone through as well. And, you know, it's, it's, it's, like I said, it was extremely isolating because not only had I been blacklisted, but there's not a one person there isn't one girl, there is no one that will come to you. And I actually remember, I don't, gosh, for the life of me, I don't remember her name, but she was a performer and I'll never forget it was an ABM. I think I was in the gift shop getting, getting headache medicine, because I was just so over all the nonsense and really quietly, I remember she was like, Hey, Tera I just, I just, I just want to send you, you know, I just want to say, Hey, and I just want to send you, you know, some good vibes. 0 (1h 10m 50s): I, I really feel for what you are going through. You look great. You look great. And then she, she's got a laugh. And I remember feeling like, okay, wow. You know, maybe, maybe some people are watching. And even if they can't quite, you know, even if they can't help me, maybe they're just trying to at least send me some good Juju, because as you said, it's such a horrible to be. And I remember it. I always get asked. So when we first were talking about mentoring, I always get asked by girls, like, what, what advice would you give? Or when we talk about the random interview questions and podcast that we do, the number one thing that I always tell new girls are just anyone and terrain. 0 (1h 11m 33s): Any facet of entertainment is, you know, to just have a lawyer, look at your contract, don't sign anything without an attorney. If it's too good to be true, it probably is. They could be your friends. They could take you out for drinks. You could have the greatest relationship, but at the end of the day, business is business. And it's not something that I feel comfortable saying. And I know that it's an ugly truth of, of any business, but it's always business before people, people are expendable. Entertainers are expendable. We, you are expendable is just how it is. 0 (1h 12m 14s): As you said before, it's not even always that there is someone younger and prettier. There is someone more talented. There is someone less talented, and that's another facet of the business. That's hard to swallow to his, but I'm more talented, but I'm pretty sure the universe has this magical way of giving us gifts or making us wait for them, making us wait. Our turn. Sometimes we dodged a bullet. What we realized that that just wasn't meant for us. Sometimes they're really funny out there and they're like, no, I'm going to put you through a little bit of this headache because I feel like you need to learn a lesson here. 1 (1h 12m 55s): Okay. So it's hard. It's hard to remind yourself in the moments when you're not getting something that it could be a blessing in disguise, like by you not getting that, that thing, it's actually going to serve you better in the long term, but you're so stuck in like, what you think you want, especially like right now and again, to deserve re or are they, and that's the problem too, right? Is like the entitlement that I have had awful moments with that. Like I've had to really work on my ego because there were moments where I was very entitled. Especially when I was getting all these contracts. I was like, I'm better than blah, blah, blah. And it's like, you're no, you're not. Why do you think that? And you have to like, really just check yourself. But like me losing my contract in the moment I was like, I was in tears. 1 (1h 13m 38s): I was calling my attorney. I was seeing if there was anything I could do. And there was nothing I could do it. They're like, yes, you have the right to Sue because your, like you were wrongfully terminated. However, do you want to spend on a high six-figures to get this? And then of course not. Right. It's not worth it. So, 0 (1h 13m 53s): So damaging to your psyche litigation is the worst thing I did not mean to interrupt you, but I don't know how my husband does this for a living, because if it was seriously This it was mind-bending and, and terrible for me, for my conscious, I remember for a solid year, seeing those dates 3 (1h 14m 12s): On the calender of having to go to court. I mean, it is, it is so it's, it's so hard on you. 2 (1h 14m 19s): What's crazy too, is that they actually took you through the, the litigation process because like, you're just one performer like that does not affecting them. Like that's strictly out of vengeance like that. 3 (1h 14m 29s): It was well, that's what, so that's what was interesting. And a lot of years have passed, but there is still a nondisclosure, although you could probably find it on the internet, but I'm not allowed to name the company, but they signed a, a, another girl during this time who ended up also 10 years later having this exact same issue. And so the funny thing about this is they had no upside to suing me and they had no reason to Sue me. It was specifically to send a message. It was to, to, to tell all of the other company's and all of the other girls, this is what we're going to do. If you think you can leave. And the craziest thing to me during that time was two things. 3 (1h 15m 13s): First is that you have to wrap your head around. This is like how you've made your living for the last two years. You've come to kind of trust everybody. There's such a deep sense of vulnerability there because you've trusted these people. And now that you know, they're acting out of complete the engines, what else are they going to do? How else are they going to slander me? I mean, it became personal. And then you have to go through the legal system for a year and a half with a case that mainstream courts don't even know how to handle. Like, I remember one judge was, so he was like, why would you force her to, to, to do these movies? 3 (1h 15m 55s): Like he couldn't wrap his head around it. 2 (1h 15m 58s): Well, so that becomes like forcing like sex at some point. Right. So how does that play into it? 3 (1h 16m 3s): Right. And so, interestingly, I remember when I was looking for a litigator because also no litigate or wanted my case. They were like, Oh yeah, you know, I don't want to deal with this kind of garbage, you know, you are, I must be a garbage person or, I mean, it just kind of went like all over the place. Cause they had their in house attorney and I was getting Anna, Nicole Smith's attorney because I was like, okay, these people that at least have some sympathy for my situation. And they looked at it completely logical. They're like these people are forcing you to perform one that they can't legally do that. And it was just hard. It's hard when you're fighting people that are kind of actually fighting you with your own money. 3 (1h 16m 44s): Because I was one of their, I was pretty much their first contract girl. So that was the other thing I have to wrap my head around. Why are they fighting me so hard? Oh, because I've made them so much money, so they don't want to let me go. But they also didn't want to give me what's fair. So it was hard. It's hard mentally to tell yourself, you know, you've built your name, you've built your brand and it's all about to go away. You know, you're kind of stopping. Like I just wanted what was fair. I wasn't even trying to, I wasn't even being, how do you say a diva about it? I wasn't like, well, give me a $10 million into a new car in this contract. I just wanted to be adequately compensated because like you said, they were paying me think it was 3000 a movie scenes, but it was like nothing. 3 (1h 17m 36s): Yeah. So that's why I was like, yeah, I was crazy. It was crazy, crazy times. So yeah, that left me with a bit of, I went back and forth for a few years. Like why did, was I so stupid? And I made such a bad decision. And, but you know, you, like you said, you, you pick yourself up. And that was at the end of the day when I was able to walk out of the court. I hadn't, I was pretty low on funds, but I told myself I have my name with the ability to work. And 2 (1h 18m 13s): No, I think that's why it's also so important. Not to, I guess, neglect like the real you, because when you have these situations where you could, you know, essentially lose everything, like no one's exempt from that possibility that if you acquire like enough skills, you're out like your experience, then you can have someone take away everything and start from scratch and still build it back. Right. But I'm pretty confident now with myself, like if everything were to go down to zero to suck, I'm sure I would like to have my moment. But once I collected myself, it's like, okay, well, what are the skills that I've learned? Right? Like I've learned like social media marketing, right? I've learned how to do a podcast. I've learned how to create a brand, like all of these things. 2 (1h 18m 55s): So because I've spent more time on Candice, then Eva, I feel like I'm protecting myself if anything happens again. But I don't see that happening again. 'cause I have a very bad taste when it comes to contracts. So I don't ever see myself maybe being beholden to somebody else again, because it's just not where I want to go. 3 (1h 19m 13s): You want to be exactly know. And I think that, like you said, we should never stop learning. We always teach ourselves to be resourceful. Now we have a lot more tools to not be as dependent before we were. And that's how the industry changed to, we were completely dependent on the studios before. Yeah. That is how we made our money. We signed, you know, even if we didn't sign contracts, the studios were cranking out, you know, eight, 10 features as a mom. So that was kind of always a piece of the pie to go around. And I think now, because novelties, I mean, there's just so many tangible things that are disappearing. Everything is really going online now with even streaming. 3 (1h 19m 56s): That's why I've told girls too, a lot of your fans and you can never, ever, that's such a big concern that our fans are going to go away. I think they grow with you, especially the more you make yourself accessible, but accessible with your boundaries. Right? We have to keep some boundaries. Like I remember doing a podcast a few weeks ago and one of the guys was like, well, you love yoga. You know, when you meditate, you should do some naked yoga meditation for you're only fans. I'm like, no, no, no. That's for me when I have to, I come with boundaries, there are some things that are absolutely for me. You know, I know that, I remember it. 3 (1h 20m 37s): Like we said earlier, there were some chutes that I have nothing against super hardcore, but I physically could not bring myself to do it and look good to have a full face of makeup on if I don't feel comfortable doing it, you're going to see that the fans are going to see that I never wanted to give or project who I, wasn't not even just for the sake of a paycheck, but I think as we said, you have to look back on your body of work and be proud of that are comfortable with it are happy with it. 2 (1h 21m 13s): Right. Cause it doesn't go away. And I think that that's, I hope that the, the future of the industry with staff, like only fans is you're going to get more like authenticity when it comes to the women. Like they're not going to be pressured to do these extreme things because again, like, I don't want to call anybody out because I don't know anyone's story or, you know, the reasons behind their decision-making, but from like just a statistical standpoint and just comparing performers to the civilian women. There's not that many women that are genuinely into those kinds of acts. There are just, can't be right. 2 (1h 21m 54s): Like it's almost expected that you have to, to do like anal and like hardcore, right? Like not just like regular, like in your real life, when you shoot something like that, it's very, In, it's intense. So that DPS or expected shoving random things inside you is expected. And there's no way everyone is in to that is just, it's, can't be the case. Right. So I think that that can be very damaging and I've seen like some pretty horrible effects of it on some of the women in the industry. And what's unfortunate is like, they get a bad rep, like people judge them and they're like, Oh, she is always drunk on set or, Oh, she's always taking pills on-set or like, whatever it is like that judgment, it's a will, that's the symptom. 2 (1h 22m 36s): What's like the what's the cause, right? Like what where's, where's the disease in that? And it's because of this pressure. And it's because like, you're, you know, your, at the whims of these big companies and they were saying that this is what sells. So now you have girls that are making buckets of money shooting what they actually want to shoe. So I really hope that, like, what we're going to see is kind of like the crumbling of these big companies. And it's just going to be, everyone has an independent studios essentially, and is like collabing in a way that they want it to collab. 3 (1h 23m 7s): It's, it's a, you, as you were saying that something actually came into my mind. That was, you know, you and I talked about how, when we were on set, we had a list of things that we would do not do. I usually talk to the person that you're performing with, then you have an agreement about what you're going to do, how this scene is going to go. And I can remember a very well-known I've never met her actually, but she's, I think she was pretty well known. Now, performer was saying that she was posing for the pretty girl stills before She, before they were about to do the scene. And the photographer said to the guy that she was a stick your finger on her butt. 3 (1h 23m 54s): And she went, no, now this is a photographer, heard the guy lighting. There's five other people on set. And you're saying this without asking her, you're telling the other guy or the guy to do this to her. And she's like, no, no. And she stood her ground, but what a horrible uncomfortable position for her to be in. And how about everybody else is standing there, like having to, you know, here or this director are a photographer to speak to her like that. And I remember like, just getting this horrible rage inside me when, how dare you. 'cause I, I just, you know, it's, it's, it is no one should ever be put in that position. 3 (1h 24m 37s): And I never wanna put a bad taste in the public's mouth or anybody's mouth because they know that these instances, you know, like I said, it didn't happen to me, but I remember when I first read this, when I heard this, I remember just thinking, yeah, you know, it's, there is a part of me that says, I'm happy that in a way I was remembered as a bitch or arrogant, it's so much better than living with that or having a wife. And I wish that we could kind of inspire each other to be stronger and to say no. So I took that. I took anger away from that post, but I hope some other girls were like, Oh no, you know, they took some, you know, 2 (1h 25m 16s): It's weird how its how difficult it is to say no though. Like, and it's, it's like a muscle once I started saying it really is. Cause you have a choice, you have all of these people that you don't want to like disappoint or be the reason that they don't get paid that day. And like have people to think poorly of you, whatever the case is 3 (1h 25m 34s): And the barest you're vulnerable. You're naked. You're yeah. 2 (1h 25m 38s): Yeah. It's a weird position. Like you're never in this situation anywhere else in the world. 3 (1h 25m 43s): Well, exactly. I think that's what I meant to say. Sorry, it's such a unique experience and you don't, like I said, you never want to put a bet. I didn't want to be reading that. I knew how I felt, but to the rest of the world, I think that's what reiterate to a lot of people that what we do is bad or our industry is all like that or we were all bad. There is no good experiences. Right. 2 (1h 26m 5s): And I think, I think it's super important to know that like everyone has a different experience. Right. And I definitely had my fair share of great times and great scenes. And there were a lot of moments that I loved. But if we can't talk about what's wrong, then we're never going to get rid of the taboo because those things are going to keep happening. Right. Like why are there no, like fi why aren't there female chaperons on set, right? Like I've been on scenes where there was like maybe 15 men. Right. But she found and lighting and assistance and talent. Like I would be the only woman. So right. We just, we create a space where this is like a healthy, safe environment. And there is a very, like very few opportunities for something to go sideways. 2 (1h 26m 51s): Then I think that's when we opened the door to be respected as an industry. But everyone's like, Ooh, we can't talk about what happened. That's bad because the public is going to hate us more. Well, they know what's happening. They know what's happening. Right. Like they know when these bad things happen. So we have to be honest about it and say, these things do happen. How can we prevent them? Right. And where does the accountability fall? Because yes, obviously it's the production companies cause there at the top and they are a lot of the times they demand a certain scenes, but it does come down to like, if you see something wrong and maybe that person's not strong enough to stand up for themselves, but you also get involved. You're there, you're in the room. 2 (1h 27m 32s): Like if you watch someone get assaulted on the street, like you do have an obligation to report it. So why is it different when you're on set? So it's shocking how hard it is for anyone to say stuff I've been on massive sets. Cause like with my, my company, we did like the features, right? So the biggest production's in the game at the time and I would see stuff that was really concerning and I would be the only one to say something and they're like, Oh, there she goes again. 3 (1h 27m 60s): Okay. Wow. 2 (1h 28m 3s): Hi like, why aren't we saying like, this is okay. 3 (1h 28m 8s): No, I have had that happen to me on my, on my productions. I was always there or I would at least be there for the first two scenes. And I remember, I remember my production manager, which was hilarious to me because I'm like, I'm paying you to production manager. And he got irritated with me because I asked him to get a hotel room for one of the girls. He goes to that she lives in LA and we're only in orange County and I'm like, she needs a place to shower and get ready. And he's like, no, she doesn't. And I'm like, she's a woman. Of course she does. And she's performing. I want her to be comfortable. I don't care if she sits in, there are stairs at the walls all day. I just want her to have a safe place away from you. 3 (1h 28m 49s): Guys' and all of this to just sit on her phone until her scenes ready or to get dressed or to take a bath or whatever. And he was like, huh, crazy to me. It doesn't even compute. I thought, you know, R you know, this is a, to me, this is a basic necessity. I want people to be happy. I want this to be a good experience because with that, she's going to give us a great movie. That was great for her to, 2 (1h 29m 18s): Yeah, you are seeing is only as good as how comfortable you are. Like there have been times where like the director had been yelling at me all day and I didn't really know the talent and it just like put me in a bad mood. Like they didn't have food on set, which like, you're on set for 12 hours. Then you can't get anything delivered. You're like starving. You do three hours of photos and you're bending backwards and doing these things just puts you in like, yeah. And I'm just like, okay, well I'm here and we're just going to go until the director says, cut. And I don't know what I'm doing. And I'll just, I'll see you guys on the other side, you know what I mean? And then there scenes where everyone's very kind, and this is the it's warm and there is food. 2 (1h 29m 59s): And there is like, well, what could, what would you like to do today? Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're talk to, as a person in those scenes have been some of my best scenes, but it's okay. 3 (1h 30m 8s): How do we use in a great space? And then you want me to promote it. It just keeps going. The good karma just keeps going or the good vibrations, just keep going. You know, I always feel like its the co sorry. I always feel like it's like the guy's with customs. Its like the ones that gave you $10 and go, can you do a triple anal backflip? And then the one that gives you 500, it's like, yeah, get to it next. 2 (1h 30m 31s): This is the same with me. So like a ridiculous amount of customs, like I think about lowering or increasing the price. Cause its like getting unmanageable. But its the guys that, do you like the entry level custom that send me like a book and they're like, this is what I want you to wear. And this is exactly when I want you to turn to the camera and then I want you to do, and I'm like, we got two minutes. When are you doing? And then the guys that are like, you know, the big spenders who are like, I just want you to say my name and whatever you feel like doing is fine. And I was like, Oh, bless you. You're so wonderful. A thing. 3 (1h 31m 7s): Exactly. 2 (1h 31m 8s): So what do you, what's your only fans? Like how has that transition been from like going to like these mega chutes, right? That we are like the glamour days of porn to like self-producing for, 'em like a new platform. 3 (1h 31m 22s): So I've pretty much stuck to the same formula of, of, you know, transitioning into only fans. I still have Tera Patrick dot com I've had since 2000 since I've started in the industry and Tera Patrick dot com is essentially I call it an archive. It has all of my full length movies, feature movies. Gonzo is a lot of my early stuff. Playboy Penthouse full pictorials and my only fans, it's funny, it's complete, it's lots of interaction. I actually do a lot of my customs on there. I leave a lot of audio messages on there. I was just going to actually ask you what some of the strangest requests that you get. 3 (1h 32m 5s): I get a lot of requests for just voice stuff, voice notes, voiceovers, voice messages. I've had a, my only FAMs for three years, about three years now. And I'd say more than half of the subscribers have been from this complete three-year period. And once a week I do an update. So once a week I do an update. Every Thursday I do like a bit of a throwback set or a clip have maybe an old scene. And then I always post, you know, some new pictures. I don't shoot any hardcore, but just a lot of glam. And it's cool. I mean, I've gotten to, I've gotten to know so many of my fans on a personal level, there's one that I talk to every week and he leaves me now a little video clips, like 10 seconds and it's kind of his, he's so sweet and he's in Houston. 3 (1h 32m 60s): And so he left me a message and he's like, Oh I'm freezing Tera and I don't know form of power, but this is my message for the week. And I was like, Aw. So it's definitely been a lot of fun for me. And I'm grateful. I'm so grateful to have my fans just follow me. They always ask what I'm doing, you know, it's I, yeah. I, I feel really, I feel fortunate and I feel grateful and I really try to let them know that too. I know that there are so many options out there, you know, I've even told guys, listen, there's girls that She hardcore with vibrators with with all kinds of stuff. And they're like, no, we love you. 3 (1h 33m 40s): We love talking to you. And 2 (1h 33m 43s): I've been, I haven't had, I would say like all my weird requests were back when I was a webcam girl. Like I got weird. 3 (1h 33m 51s): Oh, webcamming, that's a good animal. Yeah. 2 (1h 33m 54s): Add people that want it to like watch me eat shrimp and stuff like that. And I'm like, I don't, I'm not comfortable doing this. I don't know why, but I'm just not comfortable in that. But yeah, with the, with only fans, it's a pretty tame, like very like almost all my stuff is. So that was once in a while. Like there'll be something, a little spicier on there. But I think I w I'm fortunate because I, I really like kinda created the career I wanted. Like I started off implied and I did insanely well, like 3 (1h 34m 25s): That was just going to say, I've been webcamming for seven years. I don't do any nudity. Oh really? 2 (1h 34m 32s): Is it kind of, it makes you a better performer though, too, right? Because you have to really be able to turn someone on, like with their mind. 3 (1h 34m 41s): Absolutely. You learned from him 2 (1h 34m 44s): How much about like psychology and an interaction. It makes you like the top of the top. So then I went into solo, then I did girl, girl, and everything was milking. It, milking it milking. And all my solos did so well. And these girls would be like, Oh, those are so hard. How do you do solos? I was like, I mean, I S I started there. I started without showing anything. So when I, you know, retired from mainstream and went back to solos, I think like that audience was already there. And they were kind of excited to see that because it forces you to perform in a different way. 3 (1h 35m 19s): Well, and you're consistent. So the trick that I've told so many girls too, because there's a thing at the end of the day, you know, we talk again about mentoring. Everyone wants this magic formula. You can tell them, know you have to work hard and you have to be consistent. They're like, no, it's a bunch of numbers I can punch in. And then I'm just going to rake in all of this money. And it's like, no, I mean, you kind of just have to, you have to figure out what kind of image you want to have. How do you want to go about it? And then you have to consistently execute it. And so it's been seven years. So funny enough, that's how I supported myself. I had never webcam before. 3 (1h 35m 60s): And similar to you when I started in the industry, the first thing I did was Playboy and then I did Penthouse. So I had done modeling for a good year and a half. I had done a lot of foot fetish stuff, which was funny to me because I didn't even realize that there was a whole market for that. And then I started to do, you know, bondage, but with no nudity. So by the time I got to wanting to shoot hardcore, I remember my agent Jim South was this heart at the time. And he just recently passed. He was like, well, how would you like to start? I mean, I can introduce you to some women. If you'd like to do a girl, girl, I I'd never been with a woman in my entire life before. 3 (1h 36m 39s): So I said, well, I think if you give me a guy that's more natural. So boom. In 2001, he was like, are you kidding me? If I pick up the phone and say that this Penthouse pet, it was Playboy model wants to do boy, girl, you're going to work. And he said in his accent, like this, this name was Jim style. And he said, Tera my phones going to be ringing from here till Sunday. You know? So he did, I, I, my first movie was with Andrew Blake, really beautiful, really artistic. And exactly like you said, I took a lot of baby steps. So in 2008, when I wanted to kind of, I definitely was going to stop shooting hardcore, but because I have moved abroad and I was going to school, I needed to do something to start building up my portfolio again, supplementing my income webcamming, tons of guys up at night, wanting to tease, tease tea's and bras, lingerie. 3 (1h 37m 38s): I did everything but nudity, like you said, eating a salad. I had a weekly Caesar salad. God, I had a weekly, had a priest weekly. I mean, read a lot of religious fetish. There was so many things out there just didn't even involve being really past lingerie that I was like, this is an amazing life. 2 (1h 38m 6s): And it was 3 (1h 38m 6s): Fun company company 2 (1h 38m 9s): <inaudible> yeah. The camming is fun. I do it. Like I tried to do it every week on my, my only fans. But you get to like, know everybody and like build up these like friendships, like relationships. And, and they give me like inspiration too. Right? Like I might be running out a creative juices and then I'll be like, I'd really like, love to see this situation. I'm like, Oh, that's great. I'll do that. That's like a super fun. I have a blast. I mean, since I've kind of been like doing all my own stuff, it's created this life for me, where I can like focus on other passions. Right. Like I can focus on my podcasting. I can be home with my child every day, which is such a blessing. 2 (1h 38m 50s): I'd be like, we don't get to spend enough time with their kids. So for a lot of people that like, are very judgemental about like certain, like a career choice I've made, I'm like, it's provided me my like ideal life. 3 (1h 39m 4s): Yeah. And stability too. Because like you said, you can be, you know, you're doing something that you enjoy consistently. There's not these long lulls of insecurity or not having to work because I think that that's part of the rat race to, is that I'm finding a lot of my, you know, I always say civilian friends, there are just, they're out of work. And it's really hard. It's mentally a hard place to be when you're not going somewhere every day when you're not doing something every day. Something that I enjoy a lot with a webcam in to exactly. It's like, they're like, can you, I remember this outfit or can you put on this outfit the other day? I was like, wait, I get to wear heels. I haven't worn heels in months. 2 (1h 39m 43s): It forces you to like also do your makeup and like put yourself together. And it does, it sounds superficial, but it does have an effect. Like I just feel better. Like I feel more myself when I like put in a little bit of effort and I don't just like, I don't know, roll out of bed and say, this is it for the day. You know what I mean? Like it forces me to, to demand more of myself. 3 (1h 40m 4s): I was starting to feel a little bit like when we first had the first lockdown, like Groundhog day, you know what I mean? Cause you're just like, okay, here we go again. You know, everything was starting to feel a little bit of mundane and exactly when you have that, you're like, well, why did you shoot? I get to shoot Glenn today. I get to shoot looking good. And that's actually part of that. That's why I think a part of the, the, what's the word I'm looking for, the hesitation in transitioning out of the industry. That's part of the reason why it's hard for some of us to leave to weave kind of when you spend time building up this image, building up this brand, you get used to having this type of day to day routine. 3 (1h 40m 50s): It's kind of hard to force yourself to go into a job or to go into something that requires a little bit more brain activity. Or like I remember with him, with me going to school, I was like, I have not been in an academic environment for what, 20 years it's intimidate. It was intimidating and I've had to do it in Italian. So I remember thinking, you know, I wanted a challenge and I moved to another country having to learn a whole new language, having to completely navigate, navigate a totally different, you know, bureaucracy. I was like, I could have totally made my life easier by just staying in LA, which a funny enough was another reason why webcamming I stuck with webcamming two was I needed to hear English speaking people. 3 (1h 41m 36s): And it just kind of kept me connected with, I guess, I guess part of me was still in America as I was kind of transitioning over here. So that was, it was just a nice, it was just something that, you know, I can be sexy and glamorous that I was also speaking with people who understood me and that kind of kept my, is very isolating, moving to a whole new continent and having to relearn a language and everything was like, Whoa. 2 (1h 42m 5s): Yeah. That's so scary to me. Like, I don't know if I would be that brave. I feel like I would love to learn another language I get so, so mad in my grandma does to that. My dad never taught me to speak Japanese. Like he was like born out there, like went to school out there. Like he was fluent in speaking, in writing. And he just like never gave us the effort to, to teach us. And then when my parents split, my mom's like Spanish and white, so she has no idea. And 3 (1h 42m 37s): She's like, 2 (1h 42m 38s): Yeah, she's got nothing. So it was like very like, you had this great opportunity to give me this amazing gift. And then I've always wanted to try to learn as an adult, but it's, it's a very difficult for me. Like I've done all the apps and like different programs and it's, it's just not my forte. 3 (1h 42m 56s): Yeah. Language learning is it's definitely, I will say Sophia was three. When we moved here, when I brought her here and talk about being brave, you know, I put her in an Italian school and she became fluent within three months. Wow. That was hugely inspiring and helpful for me because I would go through her grammar books. I would go through her books such a good way to learn another language because you're learning, you're learning the most basic structures that you need to learn. And it was funny to me because she had no fear. She would speak. She would talk. I mean, she was, I know she was scared because of the first few months at school, she didn't understand anything, but she did it. 3 (1h 43m 37s): And are you thinking, you know, you know, okay, I'll have to get it together and do it two. We can learn so much from, from our kids, you know? 2 (1h 43m 50s): So are you fluent now? 3 (1h 43m 53s): I would say I'm 70% there. I met him at a B one level. I really have to work on my grammar. The hardest part for me right now is the learning things in the past, learning like the past tense things. But I don't think in Italian, I think in English. So this is something else with people who are truly bilingual. It's like the response time, because the other day a doctor was talking to me and I was like, I was starting to form, I was digesting what he said, translating into my head and then trying to talk back. And this is another sign that, you know, you really still need work because you're just not thinking and conjugating in that language. 2 (1h 44m 39s): Oh, you're inspiring me. Maybe I'll like download the apps again and start again. My husband is like, he just, he learns everything so quickly. Like the weather, like his, whether it's a language or a sport, like he's just like, he's just blessed in that way. We were doing a trip to the South of France and he spent like a week, like a week, just like on an app, reading some books and we were out there and he was like, you had enough for a conversation. 3 (1h 45m 8s): And it was hard to, especially the pronunciation. Yeah. 2 (1h 45m 12s): I was like, of course you're good at this too. 3 (1h 45m 14s): And your like, you order everything, you look at the same here. What does this mean? My husband, it's funny. He has a very thick Italian accent. But to me he sounds normal. Of course, who, when you spend enough time around someone. So we were at Saks fifth Avenue and he wanted to buy this perfume from a company called Byredo B Y R E D O. And he's trying to tell the lady behind the counter, but he is saying, but I know, but I know she was like, and he's like, you know, with this thick and, and she's like, can you help me? I'm like, Oh, Byredo. And he's like, I say that. And I'm like, no, you said, man. 3 (1h 45m 55s): I know. And so her and I crack up and he's like, well, I was speaking English. I said it correct. And I said, welcome to my world because when I speak Italian, I have this really heavy American accent. And sometimes they're like, what is she trying to say? And she turned to say, so that's why a kudos your husband because of the French accent. I know even sometimes when they are speaking English, when I've been in the airport or somewhere I'm wracking my brain, like, you know, 2 (1h 46m 24s): And he was actually a really bad at accents though. Like I've never seen someone like, so we're going to have it like a British accent. And he's like, what are they saying? I'm like, it's English. 3 (1h 46m 34s): Yeah. It's your last day. 2 (1h 46m 37s): Oh my gosh. Yeah. I want to ask. So with all of this stuff that you're doing and liquidate your webcam in your only fans in your website, why is your Twitter private? 3 (1h 46m 49s): So I took it on private because I had this and this is a bizarre, and I really don't wish this out in the universe. I somehow I would hear stories of girls having stockers or having, you know, incidents with the fans, knock on wood. I mean, for all of these years, 20 years, I never had any issue. And this past year I started having an issue with a stalker who was also kind of coming back to what you had said earlier had taken some photos of my daughter and was, yeah, just alleging like some crazy things online. 3 (1h 47m 30s): And so for the time being, I remember when I was having the police investigate things early on, they were just like, just keep your social zone, private, you know, they send, you can probably take him on and off, but they said until we trace the IP and figure out what's going on. And that's kind of when I learned about having to use a VPN and I was like, yeah, I was surprised. But he went really, really hard. And then I found out he's actually a public person as well as a footballer. Wow. Yeah. So it made me, I think, just feel another level of nothing is out of balance for me any more like when people tell me crazy stuff, I'm like, I believe it. 3 (1h 48m 15s): You know, there's just so online makes you so vulnerable and a very different way. People have a lot of access to you that you don't even realize. Maybe some things you say, that's why earlier I was saying, I power my phone off every night and I go to sleep, I'll see girls tweeting and saying all of this stuff. And I'm like, please, you can't use Twitter for therapy. You never know who's watching. You never know who's is screen grabbing what you're saying, what can be used against you later, even with a webcam. And you could have a vulnerable moment and your talking with someone and maybe they're just taking inventory of what you're saying. 3 (1h 48m 56s): I think that sometimes we overshare or just maybe trying to share an experience online and we overshare or something. I did that. I had put pictures, family pictures of my daughter and I online before and not really realizing, Oh, someone's going to screen grabs them and later say their or their father or something crazy. 2 (1h 49m 15s): Oh yeah. I was going to ask, do you have like a lot of like catfish situations where people are like using those pictures to like scam other people or do not really have to deal with that. 3 (1h 49m 26s): And they haven't had that know, this one though kind of threw me for a loop when they told I was kind of like, and then I realized, I think he was a member of my website. So I think he had spent some time kind of online stalking me, I guess. And there was a lot of things that I removed just because I didn't realize, Oh, that could have made me vulnerable and this could have made me vulnerable when I just thought, Oh, I was living in my life. I made sure all of the geo-tagging is off. I'm hypervigilant about that because I didn't realize that people can find your location. I mean, just all these things that you have to tell yourself, you know? 2 (1h 50m 8s): So are the laws like stricter out there when it comes to people like taking photos of like celebrities or like their kids? Because I know in LA it's a legal to, for anyone to take a picture of, of a minor like this paparazzi and stuff like that. 3 (1h 50m 25s): It's the same way here. And I remember vividly when I was telling you that experience. I had, he literally, he had, and he had his phone out and I was just holding my daughter. So like you said, I was unprepared for him to even take a photo. She didn't even ask first. And that fan entitlement, I really feel is more out of control now. I mean, at conventions, they're, they line up, they're used to paying for pictures Comicons or wherever you go. I personally would never go up to anyone, especially with a child, Oh, now, and try to invade their space. And that's something that I've found definitely different about being here in Europe and just in Europe, in general as well, because I've been to so many different countries with my daughter. 3 (1h 51m 14s): And I can tell you can kind of tell when someone recognizes you or when someone might be suspicious of you, but they've never approached me. They've never come over. I remember in LA people would just walk on over to you, even if you were eating in the airport in some of the most vulnerable, 2 (1h 51m 33s): The airport is always the worst. I hated that because again, like I was always East coast, I would take a red eye often to get back home. So I was like, no makeup, like exhausted to hours of sleep. Like I look homeless and they like make us seen at the terminal. And everyone's like, who is this homeless girl? And why is everyone talking to her? 3 (1h 51m 54s): And have you ever had them stand there waiting for you with photos? No. Oh yeah. They love too. So this happened a lot on my feature dance gigs, because they know where you're going to land. Especially when you're featuring in Flint, Michigan, or Lexington, Kentucky. It's not like there's two or three airports. So they would wait with a stack of eight by tens. And I'm just like really one. You're not going to do an autograph session of baggage claim. And then of course you have your dance stuff. So you never have like an easy bag. You know, it's always, you know, you've got luggage checked and you have to wait there. And sometimes you'll find that the club will pick you up and they'll send the guy who's kind of like, not as protective. 3 (1h 52m 38s): So you really on your own are sometimes they'll sign one of the big manager guys who knows what to do. And he's like, no, no, come up with a glove. But that was always, yeah, because you're just like, no, I can't do a autograph session here. In and baggage claim. 2 (1h 52m 56s): Or are you still dancing? Like pandemic aside where you still featuring? 3 (1h 53m 1s): I was on the last gig that I had was in, I believe it was Kalamazoo was one of the funnest gigs for me, that was a deja VU in Kalamazoo. And I loved, loved, loved going to the small cities because I feel like LA and London are probably the two cities where everyone's super jaded and they're like, Oh, give us the show. You know, they have so many other options and they're always doing something while you're there on stage, but in Fargo, in Kalamazoo and Lexington, all of these fun, fun cities, everybody's like, they're so happy are there 2 (1h 53m 39s): Is a lot more appreciation for me. And the energy 3 (1h 53m 41s): Was so good in the club. 2 (1h 53m 43s): <inaudible> yeah, I miss like I that was something I did for a little bit. And I enjoyed it more than shooting, like during its peak. Cause you got to travel and meet all these people. And it was like, I love dancing. Like even now, like if I go to a club I'm like, Oh, like I wish I could hop on that stage right now. You know? Like there's like moments where I do miss that. I just wish that there was a way to like do it without making it like a business because that side of it, like I could didn't really enjoy like dealing with like club managers and agents and all of that. Like I just wanna like wear something sexy and hop up on stage. Like that's where I felt like the most like confident in my entire career was when I was dancing. 3 (1h 54m 22s): It's it's so fun. And having done shows, it's funny because when I came here to Italy, there was a, an agency as well. And they were like, you know, would you do shows here? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. And I think when I came here and when I first started dancing, it was funny to me because culturally, you know, they don't, they don't make it rain. They don't throw money or they don't know, but they pay you really well. So it definitely made it worthwhile. But I remember doing my show and it was just very quiet and all of the guys are dressed, you know, Italian men, they're just all dressed really well. And everybody's like, you know, just very like, you know, going out to a strip club is, is a nice event. 3 (1h 55m 7s): I mean, it was just something really nice to do. And I remember it kind of gave me an opportunity here as well to really do shows, like I got to use my bow. I've got to wear really nice gowns. I got to just do like really like more of like a classic burlesque to show. So that was really fun. I've danced in Paris. I've danced in Spain. I've danced got Chile, Argentina I've danced in a lot of different countries. And so the American culture of dancing is fun because yes, to get this totally different energetic atmosphere. But I found that yeah, the dancing for different fans, crowds is being live on stage is something that's something too, I guess that's why I understand why rock stars number. 3 (1h 55m 50s): I want to leave the stage either. They're like, you know, my time, it's not at all. 2 (1h 55m 54s): Yeah. It's like, unless you've done it, you can't like, you can't really explain it. We, my husband and I just watched hustlers the other day. Cause he like wanted to see it probably just because like JLo's in it. Right. Of course. But there's that scene where she comes out and they're introducing her character, her and she's just like, yeah. And she just owns it. And you're like, ah, like I miss that feeling like, like I don't see myself like going back to it. I think, you know, at that time is played out. But I do miss that feeling that it's, you don't get to any, I haven't gotten that anywhere else yet. 3 (1h 56m 29s): That's actually what I was going to ask too is how is the situation there in North Carolina? And like, are you guys open? Do you think clubs will ever open again? That's actually something I gave some thought to the other day was that I was trying to, to, to like understand, you know, where is the business going to go from here? Just business in general. Like here's so many small shops of clothes. 2 (1h 56m 51s): Oh yeah. So North Carolina, we're kind of like in the middle as far as like regulations go. So our ship club's have been open. I don't know that they really close. Oh, okay. So the girl was like, we have to wear masks in whatever, but I'm like the, yeah. The strip club is open. The bars and restaurants have a nine o'clock last call at 10 o'clock curfew. Like, so there's a few feet wide, but everything else is open. The gyms were closed for a while, but then a bunch of the gym's did a class action law suit against the governor and then they reopened. Okay. 3 (1h 57m 25s): Right. And she makes sense to me in the sense of, if you're sick, you're not really going to go work out. Yeah. So hello. This is something healthy. This is something that yeah, exactly. That we're doing this study 2 (1h 57m 39s): Is that I feel like everyone, I don't, I don't know. I feel like The, we're getting a lot of hints, especially in the States that this is very politicized. Right. And yeah, we have like, you know, in New York that it was closed and having people dine out and like three feet of snow and then all of a sudden he's like, Oh actually we probably should open up because businesses are hurting. Meanwhile, like all of these like sleek staple restaurants and hotels are like closed for good. So I don't know. It's, I'm lucky in the sense that like I'm not in New York or LA, I can't imagine, but I do like look down at Florida and I'm like, Ugh, but they're really living at it up, like live in it up. 2 (1h 58m 20s): Like maybe we should go to Florida. And my husband's like, we're not going to Florida. I have friends that actually left New York. They left the city to go to Florida because it was just so crazy. And they're like, we're not going back. 3 (1h 58m 31s): That's actually, I told myself, it's been six years that I've been here. I I don't miss America in the whole sense. But I, things that are familiar to me, 'cause a lot of my day to day life here and everything that I do of course have found a hairdresser. You know, all of the necessarily necessary things that you need is a woman I've adapted. I have found all of the things that I need, but I love CVS. I love things that are open for 24 hours. There's just certain American things are certain things that, you know, maybe it's more of a convenience. You know, I live in a smaller city. I don't live in Milan. 3 (1h 59m 11s): I don't live in a room, so I don't have much, I don't have any different types of food here. Like I would love to have some Thai food, just anything different. I would love to have some shops open. We don't even do delivery or take out here. Oh, it's so small. Yeah. So it's kind of like, you know, when you move in here was a bit of a culture shock in the beginning because I was like, I don't think I've gotten my nails done in five or six years. There's just no nail shops. And so I really had to also, yeah, just readapt and figure out, you know, other things. But I told myself that maybe Florida I've been looking at Florida. 3 (1h 59m 52s): And I think that if I get a place there and my mom lives there, I can visit her easier. And I do miss my family and very close to my sister, you know, I would love to just have a cup of coffee and tea and see her. And that's the thing is like I'm 8,000 miles away. So I can't just pop back and forth. 2 (2h 0m 13s): So are you allowed to travel right now? Or can you, are you allowed to come to the States? 3 (2h 0m 20s): We are, but the EU was closed to us travelers. So it's a possibility that I, even though I have a residency here, it's a possibility that they can deny us, come on back. 2 (2h 0m 36s): So that's risky. So 3 (2h 0m 37s): That's risky. And I just, you know, it's, it's been hard in that sense. I think when we were told we can't do something, you know, 2 (2h 0m 49s): Personality too. I'm like, wait, okay, well now I want to do it even more. Right. 3 (2h 0m 53s): But that's a pretty heavy, I mean, the last thing I want to do is to be stuck in a transition in an airport. I mean, who knows? I think that so many things that are just unclear right now, and this is really a time where, you know, we just have to have faith. We just have to keep going and you know, we have to find our purpose and meaning, 2 (2h 1m 17s): Right? Like if you, if you're in a stricter country or a stricture state, like how do you find purpose right now? Like, that's so crucial to like, you were an ability to thrive and like your mental, well-being your physical well-being. I think people without that, like you are more likely to get sick. You're more likely to have severe reactions, depression, all of the things. So, yeah. I don't know. I think that we are, I think the real pandemic is like a lack of purpose. I think that's really what we're seeing, especially in the States, because like there's chaos happening all of the time. So I'm hoping like I've truly believe everything gets better as like, you know, as a trajectory that goes on. 2 (2h 2m 0s): So just remaining like faithful that everything is going to work out as it should. And hopefully we start to see the light sooner than later. 3 (2h 2m 9s): I said something on Twitter the other day. And you realize that when you tweet, because Twitter is going to Twitter, that it can be misconstrued a million ways. And I was saying, you know, we need to stop complaining and we need to start adapting. And that's just across the board. And again, we've become this way. Me too. We've become this way because we've allowed ourselves to be so attached to things that we need to detach ourselves from, again, just sitting quietly, you know? OK, you are not working right now. This is a great time to read some books to, to, to go online, you know, to, to find just knowledge, to just absorb something new. 3 (2h 2m 52s): You know, you might just fall down a rabbit hole of something that you're interested in that could become a new career for you. Or it could become a new hobby. Don't let this time be idle. If anything, I think before we used to tell ourselves they don't have enough time. They don't have enough time. Or now you do reorganize your sock drawer. I don't know. I mean, you know, we have to stay, we have to stay moving to, if we just allow ourselves to not see things with fresh eyes, if we just allow ourselves to, again, you know, sit in our apartment and not, you know, like a rat in a cage, right. Not, not see outside of what we do every day. 3 (2h 3m 35s): I think that this is really a crucial time to maybe just to learn. I don't know that some little herbs are, was just that the teachers thought of something new. 2 (2h 3m 45s): Exactly. Yeah. I think so too. It's like, you almost like you, like the world like needed a reset, right? Like we have, we've become so detached and we've like started to lose these connections with each other, with ourselves. So now it's like, you are forced to kind of like, look at that, see where you have maybe like ball in short or what you've been neglecting and like real line. Because I know a lot of people it's like you, there's no way that you feel fulfilled working 70 hours a week for somebody else not seeing your family, not seeing your kids, not spending time with yourself. 2 (2h 4m 26s): We were seeing a lot of people figure out how to work out for that for themselves. Right? Like they're turning like their career into a gig job. And I think that's awesome because now they can control their hours and they can control what they're getting paid. And even if it's a little bit less, they're like they're genuinely happier. And I think what a lot of we're going to realize is like, money is not connected to happiness up past a certain point. Right. So a lot of the hard truths, I think we're learning this year. And I hope that like, people just like take that opportunity to again, like, see how is this painful moment actually is serving me? 'cause I definitely think of it is. 3 (2h 5m 1s): Yeah, absolutely. And I think if we learn to you, you know, we find joy, like you said, in our purpose. So for me, I know that we had, we had a solid month and a half of lockdown and I might, it was funny because I have, I was used to school you're we're used to, to children being in school that gave me so much gratitude for teachers, because I remember looking at some of this homework, like a wow. You know, like the process of having to homeschool and do all of these things. I remember just thinking, wow, they do so much. They influence, you know, the influence that they have is so much. 3 (2h 5m 44s): So it was kind of nice because it forced me to take a step back to, and I started studying again, started reading again. I had really fallen off of that. Reading was something that I always I've always loved to read and I just didn't make time for it. So it was just really nice. I got to do, I got to do some of that and I think, yeah, I think we need to, we need to just keep, is it adapting, adjusting, adapting. 2 (2h 6m 11s): <inaudible> yeah. I've I've think that if we didn't go through the, like this lockdown, I wouldn't have gotten, I wouldn't have started the podcast. So that's for sure. Like I would of been focused on other things. Yeah. 3 (2h 6m 24s): How do you want to like, do the podcast come to you or? 2 (2h 6m 27s): Okay. So it's something I always toyed around with for like the last couple of years. And I just like didn't, I couldn't find the confidence to just make my first stop. And I'm like, no one wants to listen to me and people are going to judge me and it's, it's a very vulnerable spot because instead of like someone judging, like your body or your looks, its like your mind is if you start sharing personal things and its like your soul to a certain level and I didn't, I wasn't ready. And then I was like, you know what? Like, I can't keep ignoring like something like is poking me there and I'm just going to do it in and see what happens. And so far it's been awesome. Like I've had people on that. I'd never thought would've agreed to come on. 2 (2h 7m 7s): And it's kind of like growing into this thing that I'm still trying to figure out how to like articulate. But yeah. I don't know. It's it's, it's like my passion project right now and like I'm very glad I started it 3 (2h 7m 22s): And I was so glad you asked me. 2 (2h 7m 24s): Of course. I think like what's cool about you is like, so I try to research everyone before I have them come on. Like just like see like recent interviews and things like that. It's like, because it's not in person. So I want to try to feel like I know that person connect with them without being able to, and I've like seen your interviews go from the very like standard stupid porn interviews, right. To like more recent ones where like I see you, right? Like you are letting me see you. And I just, one of my purposes with this podcast is to like show that humanity and like show that we're like these very like diverse and intricate beings. 2 (2h 8m 7s): And that is so much of the time people judge us for this one decision we've made and they don't know anything else about us. So it's really given me the opportunity to, to, to like just unveil that with people. And I think that's so beautiful. 3 (2h 8m 22s): It's, it's something that we have so much power in our words and learning, having to learn another language and communicate in a language that's not, mine was also, it was, it was like, wow, because I felt like the good thing is when I'm in America, it's like you said, people know who we are or they think they know who we are or they think they know something about us. So they already have this preconceived kind of opinion about us. And one of the scary things, when I say scary, it's like when we transition, like you said in, when you were asking guests to come on your show, you often wonder, okay, do they already have these things in the back of their mind about me when I'm trying to get to know them? 3 (2h 9m 8s): And I remember when some people had asked me to do interviews and I really liked them and I admired them. I remember hoping just a little bit inside, okay. This is not going to turn in sexual. There are actually going to want to get to know me. And so being here in Italy has been nice also because I feel like so many of the relationships and friendships and people in things are things that I do here are organic because a lot of people don't, they don't know that side of me or they're not exposed as much to that side of me. If that makes sense. Like I don't walk around here. Like Tera, Patrick I think over there I'm a lot more recognizable. Whereas over here, people don't automatically click with that. 3 (2h 9m 51s): So I feel like when they're getting to know me, its a lot more, I'm just someone they're like, Oh you're American. Tell me about America. When Trump was a weirdo, I was like, I don't know, conversations to steer more, more about art or music or things that are, that I'd like to talk about. Whereas black, there is always, what do you do? Oh, you're an entertainment. And you say like you already know, they know and you're waiting for that in evitable moments of like, why are they going to ask me for it? 2 (2h 10m 19s): Okay. And then you just kind of go on autopilot with like, cause you know what they're going to ask before they ask them, like, there's so much more to me, right? Like there's no much more to me. There's obviously you have a hell of a story to like just kind of like pick up with a three year old and moved to the country where you don't know the language. Right? Like that's like, that's a fierce woman. Right. 3 (2h 10m 40s): That's what I've been able to talk about and connect with so many other women hear. And it's funny because I met a really lovely woman who I, I haven't met many Americans here, but funny enough, I met a girl from New Jersey a few weeks ago and she's here alone with her eight year old son and she's Muslim. And we were talking about how we're both dealing with racism being here. And so what's that, 2 (2h 11m 6s): Is it because of your American or because like you're Asian and she's Muslim 3 (2h 11m 10s): And Asian and Muslim. They're just so funny. Right? Because at first we were like, huh. So it was just so nice to have this discussion one with another woman, something that we could really relate to that's deeply personal without really being personally was just, it was like, I think a sigh of relief for both of us to find it. It's like two strangers finding comfort in this one issue in this one place. And that's why traveling is I love traveling so much. And like you said, with feature dancing, I loved getting paid to travel to different places. And I've had some incredible conversations with waitresses, bartenders, door men, just regular working people about my life and about great things that are so relatable, you know, understanding the psychology behind what makes people tick or what makes them do what they do. 3 (2h 12m 5s): And there's really so much more to us. And I think that, yeah, like we said earlier, I do believe that people traveling to so many places and countries over the years has taught me that I do believe people are good. I do believe people are mostly, their souls are good. Our souls are good. And I think that I I'm just grateful to have had a job that allowed me to, to travel and experience that because I don't, I think it's a gift. 2 (2h 12m 35s): Oh one a a hundred percent. I think if anyone is in like a place where there may be lost or pessimistic or their seeing the world with like a very like cynical, I like travel is the easiest way to, to change that very quickly 3 (2h 12m 49s): To refresh your perspective a little 2 (2h 12m 52s): And again, to go back to gratitude, right? It's like you I, this is mostly a thing happening in the States though right now where it's people really hate eating the country and by no means, is it perfect? Right? And like no country is, but if you travel enough, like you'll see like how unique this places and how beautiful it is. And then way 3 (2h 13m 16s): Is that we have just from being there or being born there 2 (2h 13m 20s): The a hundred percent. Right. And every country is going to have that. But I think there is something that is very special about the, the States. And I think traveling will make you fall in love with it, right? Like it's not like as gorgeous as the Coliseum in all of these beautiful pieces of architecture around the world that we don't have like a lot of that history, but there's a lot something else here. So think it's very easy to get wrapped up in all of the, the heavy stuff when you're too close to it. Like you have to like remove yourself. That goes back to like the importance of like who you surround yourself with and what you surround yourself with. And that is going to kind of shift and create your reality. 2 (2h 14m 1s): So if you can remove yourself from that, especially if you're not content with where you are, you'll start to see the reality that you want manifesting. 3 (2h 14m 8s): Yes. The, on your mind, the power of, of really your mind just making things happen or even just putting you in a knot or taking us to a, not so good place. It's so powerful, so powerful. And we don't even realize to I've I've, you know, like I said, the other last week when I was just scrunching up my face that I was holding on to all of this tension, I was like, you know, we can make ourselves sick, but we can heal ourselves 2 (2h 14m 38s): 100%. Yeah. Like there's a lot of times, especially if I'm trying to meditate, I don't realize we are like my I'm light bests or tight 3 (2h 14m 45s): And all the way you don't get to like shake 2 (2h 14m 47s): That off. And I recently got a horse. So like there's a lot of ways you can kind of get into a flow state when you are like your writing or doing your lessons. And you'll notice like, like your holding your breath in a way. And like that's affecting like your positioning. So you have to be like a very present. And I don't know, like if you're a super in to like energetic field or anything like that, but, and like the quantum space, like everything is the vibration right? In your like connected through like this spider web of like energy essentially. So with a horse, their, their energetic field is like 10 times out of a human. So, and it's like 10 times more powerful. 2 (2h 15m 28s): So you can kind of like actually link up. And there is like science that says that you can actually get into a flow state with your horse. So like, this is this state of like manifestation and like losing a sense of time and meditation and calm. And it's really, really fascinating. But I think like doing things like that, that like challenge you and that make you work with like energy in any specific way, just like really help, like clear you make you healthier, happier. And then I guess like, you know, when you have like those aha moments, like information just starts coming to you, like that happens when you start doing these practices, like the more you clear out that space, the more room there is for you to like, get that information from like God or the universe or whatever title letting wants to give it. 3 (2h 16m 16s): Right. The it's funny. I feel that way when I go to Japan and that's what pulled me, I would go three, four times a year when I was shooting. When I was really active, the industry, when I had breaks from travel, I always got pulled back to Japan. I've seen so much of that country from top to bottom. I even was actually telling my husband the other day because I took him. We went for Christmas two years ago and I told him that there is something in me that makes my soul so happy when I'm there. I couldn't imagine living there, but there's always something there that's magnetic or it's just, if it's a deep feeling of peace and happiness, I'm literally this like village idiot. 3 (2h 17m 4s): That's wandering around Japan with this huge smile on the face all the time. Everything in Japan fascinates me, everything. I'm not smiling. And I'm like, Oh, 2 (2h 17m 14s): Oh yeah, we were supposed to go to April's to go. But then I ended up like being pregnant and then having the Bay and VI. So it wasn't the right timing. And now the world is shut down, but I've always like built this need to explore. And as a country, like partially just cause, you know, that's where my dad and my grandma, but there's just something about that. Culture is just like so magical to me. I was insane. You know, something that a lot of other cultures never figured out. And I want to go to experience that. And I think it comes back to like that interconnectedness with everything, like having the appreciation for like the water and the plants, like everything has consciousness, right? Like it's not like, that's just this thing. 2 (2h 17m 55s): Like we are all part of this big cosmic plan and you had to know it's it just speaks to me. So I hope like as soon as everything clears up, like that's one of the first places I want to go explore. 3 (2h 18m 6s): Okay. Oh, and then you'll have to, yeah. I want to hear everything. And it's, I've sent the same thing for some reason, Japan they're in like 20 light years ahead of the rest of the world. I don't know what it is. Everything is, is just consciously, even all the technology, everything, when you are there, they're just so efficient. They're very humble. The way they bough, the way they speak to you. I mean, I'm saying they, they them, but it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. The respect, the humility and yeah, it's my soul is so deeply happy. They're and I I've always told myself, you know, sometimes we say when we visited a place so much, Oh, I could live here. 3 (2h 18m 51s): I don't know if I could, but I do know that every time I go and visit, there's just there's there is something that just, I feel like, like you're saying, I feel some kind of magnetic electricity that just makes me feel so good. And, and you want to hold on to that. You just want to keep it going. It's it's, it's a really beautiful feeling, but there's the yin and the yang. We have to have both. 2 (2h 19m 16s): Yeah. Everything's about balanced at least like trying to like strive for it. 3 (2h 19m 19s): Cause if I was that happy all the time, I don't know everyone else around me. Happy, but, 2 (2h 19m 29s): Well, I don't want to take up more of your time. This was amazing. I would definitely love to have you on again. Thank you again. Do you want to tell the listeners where they can find you, how they can support any projects that you're working on? All that good stuff? 3 (2h 19m 44s): Well, everything, the matrix, everything is connected to Tera Patrick dot com. So at Tera actually on Tera Patrick dot com. I started, well, I have a blog on there, my teradyne.com. So if you're not a M a, is this my journal? It's basically like a daily journal that I write in and I have my only fans.com/ Tera Patrick, but Tera Patrick dot com is really my home. It's my baby. Everything is on there. So when I'm on there or not. 2 (2h 20m 15s): Okay. The check it out to everybody. Well, thank you again. And I can't wait to do this again in the future 3 (2h 20m 21s): To stay in touch. 4 (2h 20m 28s): Okay. 2 (2h 20m 29s): That's it for this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, please rate and review and don't forget to hit that subscribe button. You can also share this podcast with a friend. It helps my podcast grow and I really appreciate it. I hope to see you next week. 4 (2h 20m 42s): Okay.