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Aug. 5, 2021

#48 Adapia D’Errico- Self-Realization, Authenticity, and Spirituality

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Adapia D’Errico is a professional real estate investor on private equity and other areas of investments such as start-ups, ventures, and cryptocurrency. Her book “Productive Intuition” is a self-help book that aims to explore the “intersection of science and spirituality through story and the senses to immediately bring you into alignment with your Inner Authority”.

In this episode, Ada and I talk about her journey of self-realization with her first marriage, being your most authentic self with your partner, and the Goalcast video that went viral. 

Support the podcast https://www.chattingwithcandice.com

Support the show (http://patreon.com/candicehorbacz)


0 (0s): One of the big reasons why couples fall apart is often finances. And so I know for us, we have two completely different financial backgrounds. I mean, like that's my whole career and he's the opposite. And so a big piece of our relationship has been getting on the same page about money and about finances and about spending. 1 (27s): Hello, everybody at you are listening to Chatting with Candice I'm your host, Candice Horbacz. Before we jump into this week's episode, I wanted to do a couple shout outs. I wanted to say, thank you so much to Darren Joe, Toronto, Havi and Matthew. Thank you so much for all of those cups of coffee. You guys are ridiculous, but thank you. I could not do this without you. This week. We have Otto Pia joining of the podcast. Now she has a really interesting story and I don't want to give it away, but she's also a keynote speaker and author, and she is a lady in the finance industry. So I'm really excited to have you guys get to learn a little bit more about her. 1 (1m 12s): And I actually invited her on the podcast to, to talk in the future about investing. So that will be really exciting because we started to talk about Bitcoin. We were running out of time. So I do look forward to part two of this conversation. Please help me welcome. Adapia thank you so much for coming on the podcast. 2 (1m 32s): I'm really excited for this. I was, I try to always like do as much research as possible for each guest so that I feel like I can have an interesting conversation and not be completely dumbfounded. And I it's, I started focusing on authenticity a lot, cause that's like what your story reminded me of, I guess, before we jump into that, do you want to give the listeners just like a brief background on who you are and what you do? 0 (1m 58s): Sure. Yeah. Thank you. So what I do, I guess professionally, I'm an investor, so I'm a real estate investor just generally like invest in startups and venture and crypto. And so just all around. I'm an investor. I love it. I think it's so interesting also to do meaningful things with money. And that's like really, really important to me is like understanding what drives investment's and how much money in the right hands can change the world. So, super passionate about that. I do that for a living and I actually got started working when I was 18. I was like, I want to go into a bank, but I didn't understand this meaning and investment and impact thing until much later. 0 (2m 38s): But my story is like, you know, I would say personally, you could tell, I started working in a bank when I was 18, like very career focused, like very driven, very ambitious, always very independent. And my life is exact me around. I've lived in Europe now. I live in LA and in 2011, I actually had my first awakening when I was living in Europe. And that led me, I basically woke up in my body and was like, how did I get here? Like where have I been all this time? Like the nine years in a life and a marriage where basically like I shut down, I shut down to survive in a way and inside of a picture, perfect life. 0 (3m 20s): And I woke up and, and, and I realized like how miserable I was miserable. My husband was like, what was going on? And that led me on this, like beginning of this journey. So that was 10 years ago to really find myself like, to really understand, like, who am I, what are my values? What am I aligned to? What's important to me. And I had a second awakening and 2017 around my career. And that was like the last leg I had standing. And that one was a dark night of the ego basically. And I just dissolved, like couldn't, I couldn't succeed. Which for me was not something I understood. I just had always been able to make things happen and make things work. 0 (4m 2s): And, and that just wasn't happening for me. And that took me even deeper into my work. And, you know, I, I actually started to actually look into spirituality because I didn't have a spiritual basis. Like I did yoga and I understood meditation, but I didn't understand the spiritual basis of it. So I did and I had to seek even deeper, like even deeper M and T to finally like pull it all together and realize that it's always my inner work constantly. That's my most important work. And you know, this idea of purpose on the outside, well, that's a consequence of what you choose to align to like your authentic self, your, your inner authority on the inside. 0 (4m 43s): And so, you know, I have this like journey where I just keep I'm like zippering myself up. Like I was very separate and now I'm like zippering up and really like understanding what it means to be whole and complete within myself and basically, and everything that I do. That's how I show up and not S you know, whether it's work, whether it's writing, whether it's keynote speaking, it's, it's just, what's really important to me is I want everybody to feel as strong in themselves as I do and helping them get there. 2 (5m 16s): That all sounds incredible. And like that where so many people probably want to be as far as, you know, authentic and feeling complete and having purpose, but it's like, well, what's the roadmap to that, right. And it's obviously not cut and dry, and everyone's just going to look a little bit different. And usually it's like stemmed from some kind of trauma, right? Like something smacks you in the face. And then that leads on to this evolution of who you are and an improvement of who you are. So being able to recognize those hard points and then being able to course correct. Right. Like, instead of just saying, oh shit, alumna stop. Now, I'm just going to give up, or I'm going to like double down and I guess just fall into maybe like a victim mentality or depression or whatever it is, but not choosing to get up or choosing something different and you're situation. 2 (6m 9s): I thought that was really interesting. Cause you were living in a different country is you're family is still in the states, correct? Like, yeah. And 0 (6m 17s): So they're is like, okay. 2 (6m 20s): Yeah. So still in a different continent, different language, you're married. So like, you're, you're very invested in that life and that story, I guess, how did you find the courage to say I'm not happy and I'm going to do something different even though I don't know what that different is yet. I just know it's not this. 0 (6m 43s): Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I, I basically, I, I just, like, I just knew we, and I'm, I'm like this very much. I have a very strong, like seeking mind and I always want to understand things with my, my, my mind. And then there's a difference of knowing and that knowing is like your intuitive self or, or like your higher self. And it's a very different sensation to the mine that wants to like understand intellectually. And it was, you know, and I tell the story and, and in a keynote where I was in a hospital, visiting friends who had just had their third baby and they were like the most ecstatic, I mean, you're in Italy. 0 (7m 23s): It's like, it's a party, like, you know, is amazing, so much love. And, and like I was imploding and I, and I really couldn't understand what was happening to me and I'm, and I, and I basically like, I just, I imploded, like, I, I got, I felt like I got hit by like some kind of lightening, like talk about getting hit in the face. Like it was like the universe like hit me with a two-by-four and I just knew, you know, I think we, we all can find a moment in our lives when you just knew. And there was nothing, there was no questions. There was no doubts. It was like, oh my God, I know this. And now I can only move forward. 0 (8m 5s): And the best analogy that I can find also for how it felt was in the years leading up to that, it was, it was very much like driving a car, but like driving stick on a windy road and it was so much work and you always have to pay attention and like what's going on and what you, other people won what's, you know, it was always about other people. And then this happened and I was in a self-driving Tesla and every decision as hard as it was, because it was, I had to do the thing that I didn't want to do, which was hurt a lot of people. And, you know, like, you'd never want to hurt people. That's never the point. And so you always try to protect them, but I just knew that I had to have the conversation. 0 (8m 46s): I knew that that that was the next step. And I just knew. And every single step that I took was guided. And, and for, for some, you know, for a few years, it was just, I just followed my intuition, some kind of inner guidance, which I hadn't done really before previously and everything worked out. I mean, the leaving worked out amicably, you know, I went back to Canada, I ended up in LA like everything was just, I was just being guided and I'm still making choices, but I was really listening to what my intuition was saying, you know, to the point that a year and a bit after leaving, I met my soulmate and I'm married to him and, and, you know, and so you, you just, you know, that was it. 0 (9m 34s): You just know it's a knowing and it's unshakable and you can't, un-know it, and you can't unsee it and you've got to trust it. And that's what it takes. And that's what it took for me. 2 (9m 46s): Yeah. And I find that, I mean, it's interesting, but it's not surprising that after you make those decisions that you find your soulmate and you find a job or career that just suits you so much better. It's like, you have to rid yourself of all of this clutter to make room for something else. And unless there's room, it's just not going to come. And whether or not like, you know, listeners believe in attraction, law of attraction and mysticism. And any of that, I mean, it's just, it's your choice is to right. And then like, what is the person that makes all of these choices? How do they show up in the world versus someone that's making other choices and then that just in and have that you're going to have a different reality. So it's like B it's adjusting your habits and your behaviors and your mindset before you get those things like acting as if you already have them. 2 (10m 33s): And I think when it comes to relationships so much of us, like, especially women, because we just want to get married earlier. Right. That it's more and more of an interest in earlier stage and our lives than men, like men just kind of have to come around to it usually. But it's like, we so often are seeking a partner instead of just like becoming a complete person first. And it's like, if you're not a complete person for us, you're probably going to attract the wrong person who's also in complete. And, and that's how you ended up in like a codependent situation where neither of you can thrive. 0 (11m 6s): Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look like I got married when I was 23, really young, like really young. And, and that was, that was a long time ago. I'm 42 now. So that was, you know, almost 20 years ago. So still back and at a time when things are a lot different today than they were back then, but there's still like a lot of pressure. And, you know, I was like, when I got married, I was living in Italy and so very different culture, a culture and people around me that wanted me to have kids. And I had stated very clearly from day one. Like I am not having kids. I knew this about myself, very unorthodox thing to say, like, you know, you don't really say it. You certainly don't say it in Italy and why I was just getting like pressure, pressure, pressure, so much pressure to have kids. 0 (11m 50s): Everybody would ask me everybody, you know, and, and I know this now, I didn't understand this, then that, that was the thing that was really crushing me. And a year into this marriage, I went into menopause. I was 24. My body stopped having is period. And it just, all of a sudden, and, and that was my body's way of making the decision for me. So I really believe there's such intelligence in our bodies and they know, you know, cause we can talk ourselves into and out of anything. That's the issue. When we use the mind too much to make decisions or rationalize things away or rationalize away our emotions rationalize away, our intuition rationalize the way that our body's telling us. 0 (12m 40s): And so my, my body, yeah, it just, it cut it, cut that off. So, and I didn't really recognize all of that until years later until I started to have the understanding and to zoom out and to go back into my story and see what was going on and forgive myself, forgive other people, you know? So, you know, so much of this is and understanding that we're always all of us just doing our best. And I do a lot of work with going back into story and pulling out the gem or the treasure or the sword in the stone that lives inside of a narrative that we tell ourselves ended a certain way or went a certain way when we actually have so much power to work with that and actually completely rewrite it, which is a form of subconscious reprogramming. 0 (13m 31s): It was very powerful because we're story-based is humans. So we can get in there and you actually pull out and you pull out the gift that you, that was otherwise previously, something that maybe you didn't want to face. So there's a lot of compassion and forgiveness and objectivity and really working hand-in-hand with your subconscious to, to understand that you can rewrite the whole narrative you were telling yourself, and that heals you past present future 'cause it's on that quantum time-line and there is actually amazing science that validates this, which I love. 0 (14m 10s): I'm such a nerd about the science and the research, but we can do this work. Like we don't have to be stuck with the story ever. 2 (14m 19s): Yeah. And it gives you so much more power too, right? Like some people. And I think some people get a little bit hesitant or nervous because that's who you are. Right? Like you are the person that went through those experiences. And for some, for some, I feel like there's a little bit of entitlement when, when we go through shit, right. It's like, well, you don't know what I went through. So like B treat me in a specific way, but it's like, there's something so much more powerful that's untapped and you have the potential to go back and kind of rewrite it, like you said. Right. And was it really interesting? It's like over half of our memories are false. Like didn't not even close to what actually happened on like an objective truth. 2 (15m 4s): And then it's like, well, if you think back of maybe some of the worst moments of your life that are now defining your current situation, imagine if that's one of that 50%, right. Like your entire life is being shaped off of a lie. So why not just go back and do the forgiveness and why not just rewrite it? Right. Like at that point, it's just, do you want to let your ego in or do you want to be happy? 0 (15m 25s): Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. It's like, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Like that's like that that's just it. And the ego is so attached to wanting to be right. Because it only knows the past, just like our mind only knows the past. And you know, every time we retrieve a memory, almost like, like, and in computers, like it actually deteriorates a little bit and there is always like, there's like my version, your version. And then the truth, like there's like, nothing is nothing is actually quantifiably true. And one of the best analogies I've heard from a physicist whose name is Nassim Haramein for people who, who are interested is that everything is a coordinate in kind of like space-time and memory is not actually contained in our brains. 0 (16m 12s): We go pull it from the quantum field. And so we are taking one perspective, but you can take multiple perspectives of the same thing and that's actually energetically shifts you. So, and it doesn't even have to be mystical. Is it just, it is how it is. And we're so powerful if we're willing, like you said, to move beyond the, the victim to move beyond the ego because you're right. We, we oftentimes present our as our wound. Well, this is my wound. This is who I am. And that's our way of also, as you said, like trying to control somebody's response to us by saying, well, this is my wound. 0 (16m 54s): I want you to treat me this way. And then if you don't, then I get to stay right in my story that somebody does this to me. And it's such a, it's such a twisted thing. And it's really simple to release from that is when we do our inner work and we really get in touch with what that wound is or what was going on. And let it go is that we can be more open to understanding who we are and then we don't need anybody else to validate or to treat us a certain way, because then we understand that that that's them. And I'm, self-contained in my knowing who I am. 0 (17m 35s): It's like, I don't need your validation. I can just be myself. Right. And that's a really important place to be because we need to be individuals. And to understand that we're all really connected and the same journey, but we need to understand where we're coming from so that we don't let a boundary get, you know, we so that we know where to set a boundary so that we know how to interact with people and a really aligned and authentic way. That's true to ourselves. And that's how we honor somebody else. Like it's a self it's self-fulfilling and the most beautiful way when we take the time to S to know ourselves really, really well. 2 (18m 18s): Oh yeah. And that has a huge effect on everyone. Like everyone that you interact with you, right? It's like some people can walk into a room and light it up and then other people can walk in and suck out all the oxygen. And, and it's like, which one do you wanna be? And obviously Varys, and then there's some, you know, on any degree is your impact on a room, but it's just to say that working on yourself, isn't selfish, right? It's I was talking to someone and they were explaining the difference between being self-centered and selfish. And they're like, well, for some reason, we are treating the world with the word self-centered as a bad thing. And that's actually the way that you're supposed to go through this world is self-centered selfish. Is it totally different things? So he was talking to me about motherhood specifically, and how a lot of people redefine their identity as a mother. 2 (19m 5s): And he's like, no, your Candis and he's your sun. And then he is not your son, your, his mom, right? Like it's self centered and it's like not losing your identity. And it's still respecting the relationships around you. 0 (19m 21s): Yeah. Oh totally. And, and that's cultural, right? We, we get that handed down, which is why we get to, we really need to do that work within ourselves to, to change it so that we're not perpetuating it down, down the line in a really practical way because of how we take on so much of what the world, while we take on everything that the world tells us. And the first seven years, right? I mean, our brains are basically in theta and they're in hypnosis mode. And so what we don't realize as adults is that we're actually living other people's lives because they told us how we should be and how the world is. And, and, but we have so much power to rewrite that and re parent ourselves if that's the thing. 0 (20m 4s): But I really appreciate that perspective because I, I talk a lot about, I believe the same thing. Selfish is actually a disempowering narrative that works to keep everyone down, especially women down and, and self centered. Like our heart is like the center of my own unit. And my heart is the center of my universe. Your heart is the center of your own universe. And so we can also recognize that in each other, like, you're the center of your own universe and I'm the center of mine. And so I've come to a place now where, to the best of my ability, I'm really respect people. 0 (20m 45s): And then like, I don't want you to be different, little harder with my family, but like, you know, it's like, I don't, I'm not going to tell you who you need to be or how you should behave. Like, I have preferences about how I would like the world to be and how I want people to treat each other, of course, but I'm not going to impose anything on anyone else because you're in your journey and you're in your story. And I I've realized that the best thing I can do is stay in mind and, and be there for people who need it, practice non-judgment practice, compassion, practice, forgiveness, and just always bring it back to S a lot of times it's like, how am I that way, if I'm triggered by somebody's and I guarantee you it's because something in me recognizes that, and there's a trigger because I have to go do that work in myself. 2 (21m 38s): No, I can totally relate to that. And then sometimes it's really hard to find, and it's just something that you have to meditate on. It's like, why does this one person get to me? But when I was doing all of my, I was watching a bunch of videos on, do you know who Frederick Meacham is? Yes. Yeah. That was gonna say, of course, I'm sure you do. So he talks like a ton about non-judgment right. And there's that one really famous quote of his that says, you know, for the, the people would often stare at the people dancing and think that they were crazy, but they just couldn't hear the music. And it's like, it's being authentic and not stopping your dance. 2 (22m 19s): Right. Just because someone else doesn't understand it. And he like S the narrator used M like being gay is and analogy, and being gay in like a very religious family. And it's like, maybe they just can't hear your music, but that doesn't mean what you're doing is wrong. Right. And then not to judge them either because you can't hear their music and you just both, like, it's not trying to force anyone into your camp, because again, everyone's on their own path and they have to figure out, you know, where their going. And what's like, they're course. And just like staying true to yourself and not letting anyone else's negativity or judgment, like take away from your happiness. And it's so much easier said than done, but it's like, if you, if you're truly confident with who you are, you know who you are and you know, why you do the things that you do. 2 (23m 7s): And they're not in like a malice way. Right. Like you you're do, you're being yourself, but you're not hurting anybody else physically. It wouldn't matter. I find like when I, anytime I would get reactive, if someone judged me and be like, how dare you were, how dare you call me that, sir? How dare you criticize any decision? I'm making those because I didn't, I wasn't solid on my Y. And then, you know what I mean? And I had to dig into that. And sometimes that's really uncomfortable. Cause if you're like, well, maybe I did this thing that society is saying is so bad. And I don't know the answers to it. That could be a problem. So maybe I need to figure that out. And it has nothing to do with the other person usually. 0 (23m 44s): Yeah. Oh, it's, it's always that, that's why like often, and my husband will sometimes he's, he'll ask me, like, why do you do so much work? Or do you think you're broken? Like, do you know, he'll, he'll question me on this and I'll say, no, it's because I know that by doing this, I understand myself better. Which means that I can have better outcomes. I can have better relationships. Like, you know, I can tell you, and you, you mentioned this earlier. When I met him, I spent the whole year after I left that first marriage, just with myself, I was like, I need to know who I am. Cause I really don't know who I am. 0 (24m 24s): When I met him, I had reached a point and where I felt ready to be with someone. But for that for almost like for a good year, I was good. And then I was walking around that. I'm never going to date. I never want to be with anyone. I was like, so excited to just be with myself and spent so much time getting to know myself and understanding myself. And I was surprised when I met him and, and, and fell in love. And I knew it right away. And it was challenging. Like it wasn't like this, any kind of fairytale. It was, it was challenging, the relationships challenging. And we both continue to show up and we step up. And so much of it is a reflection. And so much of the relationship is me doing my work and hearing things that I might not want to hear. 0 (25m 8s): But my practice is reflecting on how is this true? Which totally destroys the ego. Because if I hear something that, isn't what I want to hear, I have to have the courage and the strength within myself to say, how is even, you know, a version of this true and take responsibility for how that is true and come back to the table and, and there's this, there's gotta be like that openness and that willingness to go in and it, and you dissolve the, the right or wrong, but it starts with, for me, really, it started with finally understanding who I was. 0 (25m 49s): And that was very, I made that very clear. And even to this day, like if I'm mistreated, I'm out with no obligation to anyone who mistreats me. Absolutely not. And so you kind of like, I was able to set a totally different level from which that was a foundation that started me. It created a foundation for us, and that's the foundation that holds us every time we face a challenge. <inaudible> so 2 (26m 17s): When it comes to self-love and boundaries, I think obviously both things are wonderful, but like anything else, there's a dark side to everything. Right. And I would say one of the dark sides of self love that I see, especially with like the millennial Cru is like, I guess like just being so averse to conflict, like not wanting to do any work if it's not easy. And if it doesn't make you feel good, if you don't have like this, he Dominic visceral reaction to it that it's not for me. And you're toxic and the same thing goes and boundaries, right? Like, so I think is very important for everyone to have boundaries. 2 (26m 58s): I think everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Obviously we're all imperfect creatures and everyone is going to cross a boundary, say something that you don't mean, especially if you're in a relationship. So it's like, how do you not have such a rigid one? Like, how do you have flexibility to be able to maintain healthy relationships? Because it's like, if you drink too much of the Kool-Aid, you're gonna end up alone in a bathtub with a bunch of crystals, do you know? 0 (27m 27s): Oh my God. So much, so much. Yeah. So I think it starts with this idea that I don't agree with this whole like good vibes only because we're not good vibes only ever. And so much of our growth. And so much of our power is in confronting the lower vibes, if you will, or the shadow self. And if we, if we put ourselves in immediate judgment that anything that's not light and love and, and high-vibration is bad, then we can never have self love. Like we have to is first of all, acknowledge that there's a dark side and then it's not bad. It's the judgment of, of it to begin with that sets us on the wrong path. 0 (28m 11s): I think because I have grown and changed so much by acknowledging and accepting the things about myself that I didn't even wanna face. And it's like a spectrum of things like even, even something that you might not think is like, like necessarily bad. Like I'm actually very playful, but I decided at some point that that's not a good attribute for my career. So you wouldn't normally say that playfulness is, is bad, that it's shadow, but it certainly was for me and it's called the golden shadow. So like, there's all kinds of parts of ourselves that live in darkness, which is the darkness to me is what is not consciously acknowledged with that, that self love. 0 (28m 59s): So that's the first thing is we can't grow without going in there and integrating it because otherwise we're going to constantly be keeping ourselves separate. And that's the, that's the foundational, like that's the wound of everything is this idea that we're separate than that we're fragmented than that we're broken. We're not, we're trying to figure it all out and trying to make our way in the world. And we do that with other people. And which brings me to what you mentioned about conflict. Conflict is, is a re it's important. And I think what's happened is in, in today, especially in America, is that we don't know how to have healthy conflict. That's why there's a great saying, which is, you know, if you're going to argue a point or you're arguing with somebody in argument, technically like by definition, isn't a fight. 0 (29m 47s): It just means you're taking different positions. So argue your point of view as though you're right. But listen, as though your wrong, and what we don't do anymore is we don't listen to. And that's what I do, which goes back to what I was saying. Like, if somebody says something to me that I really don't like, I, listen, I listen and I reflect. And I think how is like, where is this true? Cause obviously they're seeing it is, is, you know, is that their story? But I do have to take it inside. Like where is that for me? So that allows me to have the boundary and a healthy conversation. And I do this a lot with, with, with my husband because we, we do both have very strong, like I'll call them like anger. 0 (30m 29s): Like we both have a lot, that's just part of our personalities. So that can really be unpleasant and uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean it's bad. And we've always like, come, come to term. So I used to think anger was bad. I was like, I can't get angry because it's so overpowering for me that I will judge myself for getting angry. And in reality, anger just, there's something there that wants expression. And then you find a healthy way to express it. And it, and you just, when you start working with these parts of yourselves, you realize like I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah. Stuff makes me mad or, you know, and just, you get a lot lighter about it. It's not such a big deal. 0 (31m 11s): You can work through it. It's just emotions. Like we can't be afraid of our emotions. Like we really need to work with our emotions because they're such important data points for us that they really help us make better decisions. If we know how to work with them, like it's a symbiosis. So all of this is a level of self-love and self-acceptance, and not separating good from bad within because then we go separate it outside of ourselves and then it just perpetuates and then we never feel happy or fulfilled or complete because what happens is we start blaming other people for something. 0 (31m 51s): When in reality, we just need to take a look inside <inaudible>. 2 (31m 55s): Yeah. So it's like that, it's that quote that you exist in totality. Right. And then you're like sculpting a person. You're not trying to like, pick out what you like and dislike. And Zen, they call it like in Zen, they really a lot of stuff to cooking. So they'll say when you're like, there's no such thing as a bad ingredient. Right. So you want to be able to honor every ingredient. So maybe you only need a pinch of that anger instead of like the whole bottle and, and knowing when to use it, right? Like you're not going to dump in a bucket of ghost peppers. Like it's just like being very intentional with those things. And I think you said it beautifully, right? It's just, there is no bad emotion. It's just like, well, how can I do this in a constructive way instead of a destructive way? 2 (32m 37s): And I'm very similar to like, I, it's very easy to like, turn that flame on for me. So I have to do a lot of work and a lot of self-regulation so that I don't express myself in a way that I'm like, oh man, that's embarrassing. I wish I had, you know, putting a little bit more self work or effort or a little more of a filter. You know what I mean? Cause that's not how I want to show up. And it's not saying it's bad, but how do we do this? And then in a positive way, like how do you want to show up? 0 (33m 5s): Yeah. And that's a really healthy approach, right? Because you're also giving yourself the it's almost like pre forgiveness that this, this is going to happen. Like this might happen. It doesn't make me, it doesn't mean I'm bad. Like it's not, I am that emotion. I had that emotion. I experienced that emotion and, and, and I had that reaction. And the minute you recognize, and even when you're doing it, it already shifted for next time because you, you, you get into the witness consciousness of, oh, there it goes again. There I go again. And the M the more you do it, the less, the less it happens or the less intense it feels like I found for me, it just feels less intense and I'm less attached to whatever the outcome is. 0 (33m 49s): I mean, there's, there's times when I know I'm angry about something and I will pre say it, I will say, listen, I'm in a bad mood today. Or like, something really pissed me off. I want to be in my anger. So I need you to let me be angry. Cause usually like the anger plays off of its of itself. And I'm like, this is how it is not about you. Not about anything. I just need to be angry and vent. And that's, that's been like a massive practice for me is finding people that I can talk to and say, Hey, like I just need to vent right now or complain or, you know, whatever. Cause it's like, I need to like open my bag of complaints. 0 (34m 31s): I just need you to listen to me and him. And by the time you even started complaining, you're laughing because you realize it's just some energy that wants to move. It's all ridiculous. And it, and it's like the fastest thing for me to get rid of like a, like an emotional burden is actually to laugh at it because I realize how ridiculous I sound as I'm saying it. But if I don't give myself the opportunity to say it out loud to someone and it just spins around in my head and reinforces itself. But as soon as I say it out loud, it's hilarious to me. I'm like, I'm ridiculous. And everyone's laughing and poof, it's gone. 0 (35m 12s): It's done. 2 (35m 13s): No, I think that's. So that made me think there was this advertisement that went a little viral is for my doll. I don't know if you saw it. I retweeted it because I thought it was so ridiculous. I saw it on Tik talk. So it's obviously geared towards, you know, gen Z millennials. Cause we're the ones still having periods. And it was like a bunch of young girls saying I'm not, not apologizing. I'm, you know, and saying like, I'm not going to apologize if I was being a bitch. Cause it's my no apology periods. You know, it was like, I'm putting my stake as the strong woman. I don't need to apologize to anybody, let alone a man. And I had to show my husband. 2 (35m 55s): I was like, I think that was, is such a bad example for young women. So what I do cause I get really bad PMs. I have endometriosis and PCOS. So like my hormones are just crazy. I've also an autoimmune issue and that's also affects my hormones. So it gets a little crazy when I'm on my period. And what I'll do is I'll be like, listen, babe. Like I'm going to be on my period. I already feel like I'm like very, like more reactive than usual or I'm stressed or I just want to cry. Like I just like, let him know it's got, this is the week. Right? And then he can act a little bit, you know, more, I don't want to say cautious, but just like more aware, like he's just more aware of and more intentional with how he behaves. 2 (36m 44s): Right. Because he is just being sensitive to me. But that precursor helps. It helps both of us. But if I do go off the walls, I of course apologized because I love him and it's, I know it's my hormones. Like I'm not. So like it's not my ego talking. I'm like, I'm not apologizing like 100%. I'm gonna apologize. Cause I love this man. And I, that's not how I want to treat my husband or that's not how I wanna treat my friend or my, my mom, whatever. And I was like, this is like the quickest way to end up alone. Like you want to say that you're not going to apologize because you cause it's hormones. I think you still have to write like you're, you're not those bad decisions. You're not your emotions. I feel like that's the truth, no matter what, but we all live in seasons. 2 (37m 26s): So it's like, just because a man doesn't have a period, he is cake and go through a season where he's more like short tempered. Does he not apologize? Because like he's in a season. Of course. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh man. And 0 (37m 38s): So that's a really good point. Yeah. I mean, you can die on that mountain and you're going to die alone. Right. Or you can get off the mountain and just be open and honest. And I think that's the hardest thing is, is it took, it was really hard for me to, to, to apologize at first because I really was like, no, I'm right. And, and then I would just sit in this like internal, like little hell hole of suffering and you could wait and wait forever for someone else to apologize and it might not ever happen. So it really is like, it's just, it's back to you. And I do the same thing that you do. 0 (38m 19s): And like, Hey, like I'm just going to give you four warnings so that they know how to regulate right. Them and, and, and my experience, I don't know about your husband with mine. Like he, he is because I've, I've told him, he can't read my mind, you know? And then he knows how he knows what I'm going through already. And then we'll like, I'm like, act accordingly. Cause otherwise if he doesn't know what's coming and I unleash and even then it's, then it's like the worst thing in the world. And the other thing that we do a lot is we, we realized like, we'd literally don't speak the same language. 0 (39m 4s): Like we speak English, but my what I, how I give meaning to words and how, what he thinks the word means can, can be two completely different things. And also when I, when either of us says something, we're really only interpreting it based on our own paradigm or want, or, or what have you. And so a lot of times it's a, it's a conversation around, you know, I'll is maybe I'll say something and then he'll say what he thinks that means. And it's maybe unconscious and I'm like, hold on a second. That's actually not what I meant. 0 (39m 44s): This is what this means to me. And I've realized and our relationship that he has completely different definitions of words than I do. And so it's, it's oftentimes a re clarification. So that we're actually on the same page. Otherwise we are, we're on two completely divergent paths, even though we spoke words to each other that are in the same language. And, and so that's been like a newer, a newer practice. That's really opened my eyes to understanding like, just because you speak a language doesn't mean that the other person's hearing what you said, 2 (40m 23s): Especially if there's emotions involved. Yeah. That happened the other day we were leaving our builders office. We had like a meeting to like pick out stuff. And I was like, so frustrated at the process right now. Cause I mean, its like COVID everything's is taking long no-one has worker's like, it is just the worst time to build a house. But here we are. And I was expressing my frustration at where I thought like, you know, the ball that had been dropped and blah, blah, blah. And he's like the opposite like he has is chill is the cucumber and everything will work out. And it's good that we're delayed because it's the summer of crypto and he's just going to crush it and it's all fine. 2 (41m 6s): So we don't have to pull out money. Like he's, that's just how he sees the world. Right. Is that always, what's the gift M which is amazing, but I'm the opposite. Like I'm so risk averse that I'm just like, well where's the potential threats. Whereas like where are the booby traps? Whatever. So I forget the words. Exactly. But he had said something and I had interpreted it as like I was, I was wrong somehow. And that like, I don't know, our reality is with the meeting we're completely different. And then later that night we had to like rehash it all out and say like, whoa, I thought you said this. And he's like, well, I thought you said this. And even though like you said, the same words were being used, same language is being used. We both heard totally different things. 2 (41m 46s): So as being willing to like, admit maybe I'm wrong in this scenario and they've actually done studies on what makes what's the best predictor of a relationship lasting like a marriage lasting. I think it was Tony Robbins that did this and everyone was like, oh, it's going to be positive communication, which is what got meant. And it says, and is not. So the number one predictor is assuming the best out of your partner. So whenever they do something, it's like, okay, well what was, what's the best possible reason that they did that? Or what's the best possible reason they said that. And if that's like, you're neutral, if that's just like the lens that you're constantly looking at, and then you have like a really good shot at staying together. 0 (42m 29s): Oh I love that. Yeah. It's like assume the best intentions. Yeah. Yeah. I was also thinking, as you were, as you were saying that, you know, one of the, one of the big reasons why couples fall apart is often finances. And so I know for us, we have two completely different financial backgrounds. I mean like that's my whole career and he's the opposite. And so a big piece of our relationship has been getting on the same page about money and about finances and about spending. We, we completely rebuilt home that we bought in 2015 and sold it last year. 0 (43m 11s): So I know I know what you're going through. And she did a lot of the work ourselves because he's an architect and, and construction. And so that, that work together was really important. And then last year when we sold that home and we're going into buying a new one, it was the most unifying experience. And we would literally sit down with an Excel file and like, and, and like our whole relationship for all of last year was in front of an Excel file, going over budget and what we could afford and mortgages and different things because he's very analytical. He's an architect, he's brilliant at math, but doesn't know has not been taught the concepts of finance. 0 (43m 55s): Whereas I'm actually the opposite. Conceptually. I get it. I work in it all day long. And, and so we would sit and by my ability to show him visually on an Excel file, here's what's going on. It, it clicked. And then all of a sudden we were on the same page and some people might think that's ridiculous, but actually like with the visuals with like being on the same page, like whatever it takes and also like the openness to have the conversation. I'm not saying you have that, like the financial model is like we were doing, but just to be able to like stare a thing in the face, that can be a huge problem because then we really jelled as a team. Like when we decided to sell the house, when we knew what we wanted to afford, like it really brought us together in a way that previously we just didn't, we just didn't have it that way. 0 (44m 45s): And I learned so much in that process about really the importance also of like facing the things that we don't want to face. Cause we all have that low. I don't want to have that conversation and I don't want to see this thing, but that was that's actually where most of the, of the pulling together happens when we face the, like the really uncomfortable, I don't wanna face that conversation. And so that for me was what that for us actually was really massive. And, and then even the re-investment of like extra proceeds and going through that whole process, like it is, all of it is, is important because I find too and the narrative around relationships and love and that it's all very idealistic, still it's idealized and it's not practical. 0 (45m 36s): It's not actually like practical and life is very practical. I mean, it's not just, oh, like, I love you. Like you love will take you places, but you also need to like build a life together. And that requires like practical approaches. So I'm sure you guys are learning a lot about each other through the process of building a house. I mean, that is a big relationship undertaking. 2 (46m 3s): Sure. Yeah. We haven't even broke ground yet and it's been like a year and a half, so that we'd been working on it that since we like bought the lot that design and all of that, and it's still kind of chaos, I'm like, I had no idea how many steps there were and how many people were involved in it is mind blowing. But yeah, I think that the finance angle that is really interesting when it comes to couples, because it's obviously one of the main reasons why relationships fall apart. Like one, one of the categories there was, this is interesting to statistic that was saying that divorces are actually lower than they've been in like the last year. 2 (46m 45s): And what people are thinking is because like couples are blaming everything on COVID. So instead of like having those conversations about whether it's money or love languages or quality time, like any of that stuff, like whatever your needs are, it's like, oh, well I'm just stressed because of COVID or I've been behaving like this because I'll cope. Well, you know what I mean? And I'm like, well, I feel like that's going to backfire. Like that's kind of putting a bandaid on a very big problem is that excused is only going to last for so long. So I guess, I guess what's, I guess what's fascinating to me and maybe it's because I'm naive or just like romanticizing my relationship. 2 (47m 28s): But when I look at my, and I'm like, we could lose everything. Like I would want to be homeless with you. Like I would want to, you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't want to be, and under the bridge with you and we would figure it out and bootstrap it and, you know, go back to our happily ever after it's like money, isn't going to fix anything. And you could beat have that be the determinant of like your happiness within a relationship. But I just don't understand how that problem can break down a marriage. So I was curious if you wanted to provide insight. 0 (47m 58s): Yeah. Yeah. I'm and I'm thinking about this as you're, as you're saying, and I think it comes down to values because money is a tool. I think fundamentally if we take like a big step back around it is what we make money mean. And, and that for everyone I think is where a lot of things start to go. A little sideways is what we make money mean. And everyone has like a different version of it. And so if we understand that money is a tool, then that's a great place to start. It's not the end game and it's a tool and a vehicle and it's important. 0 (48m 40s): And it's really important because we, we live in a world that requires us to have obtain and circulate money. That that's just how it is. Like I'm also, I do a lot in the crypto space as well. So I laugh when, when you said your husband's thinking crypto summer and like you get into this world and, and I'm like deep in the world of finance they're is so much money in the world. Oh yeah. Like so much money. And, and there's a narrative around scarcity and this is not to minimize people who don't have it right now or who are suffering because there's, there's a lot of them and it's systemic. 0 (49m 21s): But what I do mean is that it's the meaning we give to the money. And so what you were saying when you're saying like, Hey, like I don't care if I don't, if we don't have money, as long as we're together, it sounds to me like the value you place on money is isn't as valuable as the relationship that you have with, with him. And from my understanding of like some of the statistics and even just in, in my own TIFs and misunderstandings is my husband. Cause I'm a saver. I'm like, I love saving. I just I'm like, oh, is that money that we can invest over here? And, and I love all that. And he's, and he's taught me a lot about abundance. 0 (50m 3s): He's taught me a lot about you should is about love in a sense, a different kind of self-love, which is spending on myself, which is incredibly uncomfortable, but he understands the value of things in a different way. So it's like a coming together around, okay, well then let's budget it. Right. And we have a spending budget now, which for me previously never existed because I didn't want to spend money. And he understands now the value of investing because he sees like the mechanism of it. And I think is it ultimately is it's a values issue with, with couples, it's a values, it's their personal values, what they expect in life, how money serves it and what money means. 0 (50m 49s): And I don't know, I certainly didn't get this from my parents or from anywhere else other than just trial and, and experiment with, with my husband, Andrew, is that you have to have those conversations, like period, like you got to sit down and actually say like, it's the same thing about the kids conversation you want, kids are not like you have to be on the same page. And so I think that's a lot of it is just that, like, what are your values? What do you make money mean? What do you, what, why do you think you need it? And it starts to get into really deep places around self-worth around fear of lack. 0 (51m 31s): I mean, I had like a terrifying fear of poverty. My mom was poor. So like, I, it, it forced me into myself and into understanding why I'm motivated the way I am and where I can also let go a little bit. And so that's been that, that meeting meeting in the middle, which is always, you know, it's like a Seesaw, we're always trying to stay in a harmonious place within ourselves and within the relationship. So when it comes 2 (52m 4s): To these values, whether it's like around finances or when it, if it's around having children. So if you have someone and they're aware of their values, but they're not acting on that, is that, does that tend to be like a deficiency and like that self-love category? Or is that like an authenticity issue? Is it a combination? Because for me, like my personality type, it's like, if I want something and I know like that to me, like I just do it like I'm, you know what I mean? Like that's never been my struggle. I would go on dates. And it was like, well, if he doesn't want kids, like that's immediately off of the table for me. Cause I knew that's what I wanted. Or if someone told me I couldn't do something and it felt like in my bones, that's what I was supposed to be doing well to hell with them because that's me living my most authentic version of, you know, who I'm supposed to show up in this world. 2 (52m 53s): So it's really hard for me to relate to the other because that's so far away from me. So I guess like you, you sound like you're someone also that kind of like figured out how to like get what you want. Right. So do you have any insight on the other? 0 (53m 11s): Yeah, I do because I would actually flip flop in between like I'm I know what I want. And in some areas of my life, I I'm very strong about it. And then in others I would be more fearful of what maybe somebody else would think. And so I would be that, that other so, cause I wasn't yet confident enough in myself to hold my ground in those other areas because there's a fear of, well, what if like how are they going to respond? So I, I definitely in different areas of my life and I've changed and I've evolved to create more strength within myself. 0 (53m 52s): And I think where it really comes down to having a lot of compassion for the, for the other and maybe trying to pull it out of them. Like, like sometimes we don't, we literally don't want to face the thing because we're afraid of the reaction or the response that somebody else will give us, which usually their judgment, you know, they're gonna like slap a judgment on us and it's going to probably trigger something in ourselves that we don't wanna face. And so, and I realized like the more I've done my inner work to clear that all out for myself that like, I don't get triggered anymore. They can't judge me. You can't judge me. I don't care what you think about me. That's your opinion. It doesn't actually tell me anything about me. 0 (54m 34s): Cause I know myself, but it takes a long, like it takes awhile to get there. And, and I think it comes from a lot of compassion. Like I had this experience a couple of years ago when I gave this, this keynote about waking up and leaving my marriage and finding my soul and, and understanding I had betrayed my own heart and Goalcast made like a motivational video out of it, like a little five minute video on Goalcast and it went really viral, like 40 million views viral, like Facebook, mostly on Facebook that all over the world and people hated me. So I got massively, massively trolled and I wasn't strong enough in myself because AI wasn't expecting it because when you go out with good intentions, like you grow up with your heart, you, you know, you don't expect that thousands. 0 (55m 28s): And maybe millions of strangers are gonna attack you and like that. Well, a lot of like, if you basically, they just thought that I shouldn't have left because I wasn't being, I don't know, abused or like I left because I realized that I wasn't happy. And it was, it was a 20 minute speech originally based on a nine years of a life. So first of all, like there's a story, like when you give a keynote, you're, you're telling a story and it's very specific. And then, and then that gets further condensed into like a five minute clip. 0 (56m 9s): So like, it leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation, but what it really brought forward was a lot of just the beliefs that people have about a marriage, about a woman's role. I got a lot of that. How dare you, you're selfish. I got a ton of selfish, your happiness. Isn't more important. You made a promise, like, you know, so, oh my God. So much. And then, I mean, and what happened is I guess like the way it works is, and I didn't know any of this because I certainly didn't go looking for Goalcast. They found me and they, I didn't get anything out of it. I didn't get money. Like it is, they were like that. We're going to do this for you. And, and I thought, great, cool. 0 (56m 49s): I'm happy to share my message now that I guess the trolls got at first. And so they just piled on. Yeah. And I stopped reading the comments after a couple days, because I couldn't even believe what people were saying now. It was like their best video out the gate for Goalcast like ever. And it was shared 250,000 times, like a hundred thousand comments. So clearly people, it triggered people and I can see there pain. And I just kept thinking, like I had so much compassion for them because I realized that it wasn't really about me. But by the time I realized that the damage was done in my heart, because I was, I was crushed. 0 (57m 30s): I was so crushed because I was like, I'm sorry, you were hurt, but I'm not hurt. And what they didn't know from the video is that when, you know, after I had that moment waking up, I had a conversation with my then husband, where basically, I said like, I cannot have kids. Like I realized like that, I need to say this in a really strong way. And he said, well, that's a deal breaker. Right? So it wasn't. So I was made to be this villain because I didn't have a good enough reason. I wasn't being abused or I don't know what people's good enough reasons were, but apparently it wasn't good enough for them. 0 (58m 9s): But when Goalcast a couple of months later showed me the numbers, they actually said that the, the positive, like responses or reactions, I don't know about comments, but like the reactions were like a thousand to one positive, but I had stopped looking because a couple of weeks in, I was so traumatized from all this hate being flung at MI so that I stopped looking. And then I got all these messages with people saying, thank you for saying what you said, thank you for the courage to be so open and honest and vulnerable and authentic about your story. And I mean, I got messages from women all over the world, some of them and arranged marriages, a lot of them were saying like, I didn't know that anyone else felt this way because they felt trapped. 0 (58m 57s): And they were like, I'm is this idea of good enough? And if you ever read Glennon, Doyle is book on tape and it's different for her and her personal story, but the mechanisms are the same. It's this idea of telling ourselves like, well, you've got a pretty good, so you should just shut up and be grateful for what you have is good enough, but inciting yourself, you there's something more, and that will not go away until you address it. And so, so there's a lot of pressure that we put on another person in a relationship, right. 0 (59m 38s): It kind of goes back to the selfishness is also, we we've reversed that. And we have there's these ideas that your partner should make you happy. No, absolutely not. You should make you happy. And, and that's number one, because that's a whole lot of responsibility to put on someone else, right? Like, no, you have to make me happy because Disney says so, or the movies say so, or whatever says, so, and in reality, you're both individuals that are on a learning journey together and not journey and also might not always be together. Yeah. It's, it's 2 (1h 0m 18s): Hard to articulate because, so we talked about season's earlier. I think that there is a difference between the relationship going through a season and then just knowing that it's not the right one. Right. And they're going to sound the same. And I see that's probably what happened with the, what the talk, right. Is that everyone was like, ah, it's just a season and you're supposed to await it out, but there's difference. And you only know the difference if you're in it. And I guess it's interesting. So when you guys, when you met, when you were younger, you got married very young. Did you guys just never have the kid conversation? 0 (1h 0m 54s): We did. I mean, I, I said, I don't want to have kids around. Yeah, exactly. She will come around. She's young. And that's what everybody would say to me. And like every, you know, everyone, they just can't fathom how a woman wouldn't want to have kids, but I've always known that's not my path. Like, it's just, and I still don't have kids. We don't have kids. We're not going to have kids. And that's just, not me. That's just not my path. And I know that. So, but that's again, like what we rationalize away, like, you know, like for him. And he always wanted to have kids and, and he has a baby now, that's all he ever wanted. 0 (1h 1m 37s): Like he found he got what he really wanted, which was that, which was a baby. But I mean, look like we were always like, truly, I, I feel like I know who I am a lot more today than I ever have. I still don't know everything. Like, we're always getting to know each other. And I think that's why for me, I make my, my inner, my personal work, the foundation of my life, because the more I know myself, the more honest I can be with myself, the more honest I can be with other people. And, and I feel like the more I get to know myself and really understand myself the easier it is to set the boundary, to go for what I want and to know how to have uncomfortable conversations, that I don't have to make them mean anything. 0 (1h 2m 22s): I certainly don't have to take them personally. And, and it all, and it's always coming back too. That self-centeredness cause I'm in charge ultimately of how I respond to life and what meaning I make out of what somebody says. And like I said, like, I didn't have the fortitude to when I went through the trolling to not take it personally. I mean, I internalized it, like all those poison arrows. Like I just let them come in and I let them lodge in my body because I had still more sh I still had shame about it. And so it w it was a big lesson, if you will around really, I still needed to forgive myself for a lot more. 0 (1h 3m 10s): And I needed to let go of a lot of things that I still held in myself around that decision that I made. And so, which kind of brings me back around to the, going back into our story and reliving it, and re-experiencing it, and seeing it from different perspectives and recognizing that we're always just trying to do our best with the perspective that we have with what we know. And it's important to actually revisit those parts of our lives that contain a story of pain or hurt or indignant or whatever we have there and, and try to see different perspectives, not for anybody else, but a hundred percent for ourselves. 2 (1h 3m 52s): I think everyone needs to go through a dog pile on social media and some sort, you learn so much about yourself in that process, because we live in a time where you just you're living for the likes, right. The likes and the positive feedback. And then you tie your self worth with that, Val, that external validation and, and the moment that you get something that's negative. You're like, whoa, that's an attack directly on me. Right. And I'm going to like, sit with that and that's going to ruin my entire day. So you have to learn to not take either, right? Like they both just exist. And like neither of those things to find me, like, I am not all of those likes are, and I'm not all of those praises. And I'm also none of like those criticisms criticisms either. 2 (1h 4m 38s): And it's hard because like, unless you have a big following, it's probably not going to happen unless you have something that goes viral. But I think that we just like, don't know how to deal with that. Right. You learn, it's not a big deal. You can have like a thousand people send you hate mail or to say that you're the worst person alive. And then you're still fine. You're going about your day. Right? Like they're just on a keyboard or on their phone. And they're the ones that are experiencing all that. And just, and you don't have to. Right. And so being able to like detach from all of that, the shame thing's interesting too, because there's a quote by niche M as well. I did a lot of his videos today. He was saying that as long, you're saying yes to shame, or as long as you're living in shame, you're saying no to life. 2 (1h 5m 22s): And he was explaining that was his real big issue with religion back in the day was that they, they operated in that field. Right? Like they needed to like, to reflect shame down onto you through sin, because that's the easiest way to control somebody. Right. It's because you're, they, they know you don't want to feel bad and they know you don't want to look bad. So if they can kind of like control that situation and they can control the masses. So it's like one of the lowest vibrations you can also exist. And I think it's like right above apathy. Yeah. And like cousins. And it's like, well, where, where did you expect to be? If that's where your narrative is? Like, are you going to be happy? 2 (1h 6m 2s): Are you going to be like, manifesting the things that you want in your life? Are your friends going to be happy or are you going to be pleasant to be around? And so much of that requires forgiving yourself. And then also knowing, knowing why you made certain decisions and being okay with that. Right. Like even like, we don't always make good decisions. There's going to be plenty of bad ones. We have. I'm sure everyone's made plenty of bad ones, but it's saying, okay, I did that probably because of this. And I'm going to move forward. Like, I'm not that mistake. I'm not that decision. And just like seeing how much your, your life changes. 0 (1h 6m 36s): Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's M everything that you said resonates a lot. And I will say, so basically like after, and this is the S the shame piece, because it's very subversive. Like, we don't know, like, you'd have people who are like, well, I'm not ashamed of anything, but if you actually start going in, you'll find it because it is, it comes down culturally. And it's, it works together with silence, like shame to me, shame and silence are co-conspirators of suffering because the shame, you don't want to say it, you want to get it out. You will not. Because again, that external validation. And so it's a way of like, getting people to self police. 0 (1h 7m 19s): I mean, it's wild. And when you S when you let go of it, you're so free. So I, I S I refuse to watch that video again, like, after I'm, like, I'm never watching. And again, I would, I would just feel like a punch in the gut every time, like I had had to come across it, or, or, or what have you. And, and I swear to God, I said, I'm never going to speak publicly again. I'm never going to give another keynote. I'm never going to write a blog. I'm never going to do another podcast and I will never do anything. And again, and then I, I started to reach out to people to, you know, I asked for help, which is not a default for me. 0 (1h 7m 59s): I don't ask for help. This is not that way am. So it's a lot of work for me. And I started to like, reach out to like my sisterhood, like people and talk about it because I was ashamed to talk about it. Cause I was ashamed of what they would think that all these people were attacking me. It's like really twisted. So I started there and I got so much support and I got so much love. And I realized, I learned that everybody gets attacked in S in different kinds of ways, which was appalling to me. So talk about naive. Like I had no idea that this happened, or I just wasn't aware of it. And it is. And at some point though, I recognize that I need, I need to face this thing. 0 (1h 8m 41s): So sometimes my, my, my process has been, I really stick my head in the sand about it because I don't want to face it like discomfort. I would like, I would rather take a cold plunge than face discomfort. I mean, I will not, and I know this about myself, so I know that I actually have to like, go, go face it. But I kind of got to this point where I started to feel again, like when I let myself process, I started to come out of it a little bit and say, you know what, like, no, I'm not going to let you take me down. And so that part of me started to come back up and, you know, I needed to be in the darkness to learn the lesson first because Goalcast will, re-issue the video occasionally ever so often. 0 (1h 9m 22s): And so at some point I decided I need to watch this video again, like I need to face the demon that I refuse to face. And so I watched it, which was like gut wrenching to just hit play. Like I just, I can't even tell you how hard it was to watch this video. And, and, and I watch it write, and then I'm watching and all of a sudden, as I'm watching it, I realized like, oh my God, this is a beautiful video. It's a beautiful story. And I'm watching it as the video, not as me. Cause at that point it was not me. And I, I had a really powerful moment where I let it go. I, I basically by watching it by facing it by re by experiencing it again, I saw that I did nothing wrong. 0 (1h 10m 9s): And so energetically, I forgave myself and let go of the shame and I let go of the whole charge, the whole energy around this video and what it was doing that keep me down. And I went back on the speaking circuit. So I do a lot of keynotes. I do a lot of like talks. I published a book and you know, Goalcast will, re-issue the video. Occasionally. I've never had another trolling comment ever since. Never again. That's so interesting. That's the power, that's the power of shame. That's the power of self forgiveness. That's the power of facing the things we don't wanna face. 0 (1h 10m 50s): And that's the power. We have energetically as like big, big, old, spiritual, energetic beings, right. To find the strength in ourselves, to love ourselves so much that nothing on the outside can hurt us. And guess what? Nothing will. 2 (1h 11m 9s): Yeah. That's really a powerful it's. M did you read the book? The untethered. Yes. Yeah. So that's what it makes me think of too. Right? It's like, if you avoid an emotion or avoid something that gives you that reaction, that's unpleasant, you're creating blockages. And then if you hold on to things too long, you can get the same thing. So he it's, he, the way that he breaks down and like the positive and negative emotions is it's just as harmful energetically to hold on to like, and a positive emotion. So like maybe your baby's first step, something like that. What is, and like not where you can take that is like not letting them grow. Right. Like not letting them grow out of that infant stage. 2 (1h 11m 50s): And they're always you're baby. And then you're like this overbearing mother. So it's being able to like, feel it, experience it and then leave room for something else. Right. Cause that's what life is. It's like a constant, we're constantly moving. Everything's constantly evolving and nothing is static. So if you try to like tighten up on anything, you're going to have like that adverse reaction, and then you're gonna start getting sick right there. It's like the body keeps score. All of these things like have an impact on the physical realm. So your mindset's huge. And like what you decide to engage with as huge and how you decide to deal with your emotions as huge. And like that relationship, I guess, with your story, it's like, it goes back to the lens is like, how do you want to look at it? 2 (1h 12m 38s): Right? Like, is that cautionary tale or is that like, you know, triumphant is probably a little bit of both, right? Like, so if you could go back to your younger self or a lot of younger women that maybe are about to like, miss, I don't want to say misstep, but like hit a booby trap or like maybe deny what they really want or avoid that conversation with a partner. Do you have any advice to, I guess maybe avoid some of the pain points that you endured? Yeah. 0 (1h 13m 10s): I would say that the, the very most important thing that I've learned out of all of it is trust yourself, trust that impulse that's inside of you. And you know what I'm talking about. Cause it's not your mind saying crazy things and like that a lot at us at a level, let me put it this way of soul, of like higher self of soul knowing has no doubts. So if you have a doubt, that's your mind, but there's a place inside of you, which is why often when I meditate, I meditate on the heart and heart. Math has incredible research and meditation practices for this. You'll always get a really clear answer and we always get a clear answer, but we rationalize it away for the most part. 0 (1h 13m 54s): So I would say that spending some time in there in that space and Liz is like really listening, because it's not going to be what you, what your mind wants it to be, or what is your ego wants it to be like, you can avoid the misstep by getting really in touch and with yourself. And like, I actually wrote a book called Productive Intuition and, and the nexus of the book is came because I was so sick and tired of saying, I knew it every time something went wrong. And then also on the flip side, realizing that every time that things went swimmingly and beautifully, it was when I, when I really listened to my intuition, totally non rational and, and how important it is to find that place in ourselves. 0 (1h 14m 39s): And it's not hard to do. So I would say anyone that's like, and look, the booby traps help us grow as well, but you can't avoid them by really tuning in and listening to what that place inside of you. That part of you has to say and you'll feel it, you know, usually a yes, it feels very expansive. Like you feel open, your energy feels like really like open and like kind of peaceful and no will usually feel like very constricting. Like you're coming into yourself. Like you want to close in on yourself. Like that's a pretty clear physical signal that we all have. That that is really helpful to knowing whether something is a yes or no and working and working with that. 0 (1h 15m 26s): And the second thing is that if you decide to do what you want anyway, and it doesn't go, well, don't beat yourself up. Like that's going to keep you, is going to make it even worse. Right. Because it's like, okay, I didn't listen to my intuition on this happened. Like, okay, snap, I've got to get out of it. I'll know better next time. But don't sit in shame and judgment and self hate. Like, that's the, that's the worst thing. Like, have you read the book, letting go by David, such a good book? And you mentioned the body keeps the score. I think that should be required. Reading M seriously is such a powerful book, but it all comes down to this and, and, and untethered soul where, where it's like, you got to let go of everything and just be an empty channel, which our minds are like, what? 0 (1h 16m 16s): No, I don't understand. What do you mean empty? Or what do you mean? I can just, I just should let things go because it's not how we're mentally mentally wired, but being in that flow of life and letting everything come through us, it's, it's a practice that I still work with every day, because my mind always wants to label things is going to label it. It's going to, you know, it's going to try to put it in a box or try to like understand it. And it's just not how it works. I need to like, live it emotionally and then come back to what is my intuition saying? What is my heart saying? And taking responsibility for the choice I make, whether to go with it or not. 2 (1h 17m 1s): Well, this was absolutely amazing before we head out. Do you want to tell the listeners where they can follow you? How they can you and any projects that you might be working on? 0 (1h 17m 12s): Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's been so amazing to have like this big open conversation about so many things. So if anyone wants to M you know, read my book or learn a little bit more about me, if you can go to Productive Intuition dot com and it's also an Amazon and Barnes and noble, and like all the good places, I have a website out of Peter eco.com, M E later in the summer, I'm launching a masterclass called writing the self, which is the work of reprogramming our past to pull the treasure out. So those are the things that I love to do. Those are like my give back being of service to the world projects. 0 (1h 17m 52s): And then my career is, and investing in private equity. But, but you can always get ahold of me if you want to talk investing as well. Of course. And you can find me on LinkedIn. I look the best thing about my name as an adult is that it's really unique and easy to find was not always, not always a fun name to have when I was a kid, but, you know, I always welcome people reaching out and if I can help or hold space or just anything for anybody going through something, I'm more than happy to do that. 2 (1h 18m 25s): Beautiful. Well, thank you again. It was so nice talking to you. 0 (1h 18m 29s): Yeah, you too. Thanks. That's 2 (1h 18m 31s): It for this week's episode. If you want to support the podcast, you can go to Chatting with Candice dot com. From there, you can click that little link that says, buy me coffee, or you can go to Candice dot locals.com and you can sign up for my local's account. It's actually free if you want to see the social media side of it, but for the supporters only posts, you do have to sign up. And it's really cool because it's an uncensored platform and there aren't really a lot of those out there right now. So you get to see content that I don't put anywhere else on the internet. It's a very intimate way to get to know me. And again, that's Candice stop locals.com. And I just want to say, thank you so much to everyone that's been supporting the podcast. 2 (1h 19m 14s): I couldn't do this without you. And all of your donations are directly going back into the production of podcast and into advertising space. So 1 (1h 19m 24s): Again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And I'll see you next episode. <inaudible>.