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Aug. 19, 2020

#6 Laura DiBenedetto- Author of The Six Habits, Take Accountability, Craft your future with intention.

Laura DiBenedetto is a best selling author of The Six Habits, TedX speaker, and life coach. We talk about getting out of your own way, crafting the future you want with intention, and easy steps that help us grow. I really enjoyed talking with her, she is not the typical "self help" figure, she's not here to hold your hand, she's here to push you to be better.

You can find more of Laura https://lauradibenedetto.com/

Support the show (http://patreon.com/candicehorbacz)


0 (4s): Okay. 1 (4s): Hello everybody. You're listening to Chatting with Candice. Before we start this week's episode, if you want to support the podcast, go to Chatting with candice.com and you can sign up for our Patrion account. You get early access to episodes, bonus content, and you get to participate in our live a maze this week. I'm really excited to have Laura DiBenedetto as our guest. She is the Author of The Six Habits. She has some really interesting insight on how to lead a better happier life. How to recognize self sabotaging behavior, how to find your self worth and how to craft a future with intention. I hope you enjoy the episode. 0 (47s): So I am 1 (50s): An entrepreneur. I'm a rebel, I'm a rule breaker, and I'm also the most stubborn human that has probably ever existed. So I started a company at 19 years old and I ran it for 19 years. I retired at 37. It's a big dream is to retire really early in life. And I'll be set up except when you get there, you figure you're supposed to be happy. I wasn't, I was really just burnt out depressed and feeling like I failed and still achieving not enough. And it's really ashamed to think that when you retire at 37, you could possibly even think that you've done something that's not enough, but that's how I was feeling. 1 (1m 31s): A lot of executives and a lot of self made people feel that way. So I was cripplingly depressed. I wanted to do something about it. So I started doing loads of research to figure out how to make myself feel better. Worked really well. And here we are. Skip ahead. Skip ahead. Tonight. There's a book, a 90 day program that changes lives dramatically. So I'm pretty damn excited. Yeah. So I really loved the Six Habits and I guess to go over them really quick and bullet points, they were kindness, acceptance, gratitude, presence, goodness, and intention. And I read that and I was like, those are all like, such like fundamental points that everyone could benefit from, like focusing on and working on also really liked that You had a very strong emphasis on like noticing self destructive behaviors and putting a lot of Accountability to the individual where I feel like a lot of people are kind of like stuck in this lens of like looking externally and like finding things wrong on the outside or who did something wrong to them or what happened in the past. 1 (2m 33s): And like, that's why they are where they are. And you're like, no, like shift your perspective, work on yourself and then kind of everything will and will unfold. Right. You're saying it really well. You want a job? No. Yeah. So I thought that was great. So I guess what led you to focusing on yourself? Because I feel like for a lot of growth, it doesn't happen until we start holding ourselves accountable. So like, what was that aha moment for you? Well, 2 (3m 1s): I guess the aha moment was when I realized the thing that was in my way was me. I was like, Oh, damn it. 3 (3m 11s): Okay. 2 (3m 11s): Is this again? You know, I don't know if you've ever heard this saying, but it's like, everywhere I go there I am. And yeah. I was like, damn. And it's still me. Yeah. Why can't I pass the buck? No, I can't pass the buck. I can't get mad at anybody else. I can't externalize this and I'm going to happen to any nice things. I buy, no matter how many extra payments I make on my mortgage, no matter how big my house is, like, it's not going to fix the stuff that's inside. I need to actually just do the damn work and work on me. And I think the big realization was when I started to go through the whole, like death of identity when I retired, because I was a CEO, I was important. 2 (3m 53s): I was the person, the buck stops with me. And then I went to being the CEO of the dishes and the dust bunnies. And I was like, right. So who am I exactly. I used to matter. And it was just like this whole thing where I was having a really hard time with it. So I started doing research into what actually makes the happiest people happy. And why are the happiest people consistently happy? And why do they continue to show up with loads of energy? And why is it? These people seem to be super human? What is it about them? So I started doing lots of research to identify correlations and figure out commonalities and look for patterns. And I was able to discover a lot of the patterns that are there are really just Habits that's it. 2 (4m 36s): And then I started looking at my own and I was like, Oh, well, my Habits actually built this. Me, maybe I need new ones so that I can be that may, because that may looks a lot happier. So that was really the thing. So I feel like The what I'm seeing here is a lot of finding a purpose, like purpose being really important to happiness. So if you have like this identification of like CEO, boss, like entrepreneur, then you have that purpose and that drive, and then that's giving you happiness. And then when you kind of shift gears, I think this probably happens too. A lot of women, especially if you're identifying as one thing and you have this like transitory period and your life, and now you have to identify as something else, like how do you kind of like mourn the loss of the old self while you were like, re-inventing the new self? 2 (5m 25s): That's a great question, but I want to enter this in two parts. One, you do need to mourn the loss of the identity, but part too, you need a separate your role from your identity and your role in your identity. And just because I teach on the stuff doesn't mean that I'm ultra human and the rules don't apply to me. Of course they apply to me. So there's, there's a thing with a role versus identity roles are what you do and the jobs that you do for other people and the position you hold in their life, wife, daughter, friend, boss, mentor, et cetera. And all of these were the things that were changing. And I didn't like that because even though I teach on it, I still had some nuggets of connection that shouldn't be there of role and identity. 2 (6m 14s): And our identity are the things that describe us kind, thoughtful, creative, adventurous, et cetera, et cetera, all of our attributes. And my identity is my attributes. Your identity is your attributes and so on. And when we get caught up in combining and merging those two things, that's where we get really upset. So being the human being that I am, I was merging the two, even though I talk about disconnecting it. And then by and large, I'd done a great job, disconnecting it while I was busy living in the roles. But when I started to leave the roles of CEO, of mentor, of leader, of decision maker, of all of these things, it was like, Oh, what is the impact of all of the roles? 2 (6m 58s): And does it actually have an impact on my identity? And it was really kind of difficult mentally, to be honest with you. But the more I spent time just reminding myself of that important distinction between the two and separating them out. It was like, Oh, I'm still me. I'm still a leader. I'm still me. I'm still the adventurer. I'm still the Intrepid fearless one. I just don't have to do that particular role anymore. And I turns out I'm happy doing those things. And I'm also happy doing other things. Can I change my life when a different way to entertain a different business idea, but it gave me a lot of freedom to just kind of get creative and like go off script and be like, okay, well, this is The, this is the need. 2 (7m 42s): This is the thing I'm morning is the role. Why did the role matter to me so much? And then what can I do with that? I mean, a lot of all of this self work is really just self inquiry and just asking crappy questions and just sitting with the uncomfortable silence when you don't know the answer or getting to the answer and be like, Ugh, I don't like that. And then doing something about it. Yeah. And I think that's the important part to is like, not to be discouraged if you are like finding things that you don't like about yourself, or like maybe Habits that you have his, that you can like fix these so that like you do have the power and the control and that you shouldn't like be embarrassed or shameful or like avoidant of these negative traits, because it's just kind of like a little indicator of this is some places that I can improve. 2 (8m 27s): Yeah, exactly. I mean, I think that there's always a desire for us to finally have made it. I don't have to deal with these issues anymore. I don't have to question myself anymore. I don't have to deal with these mere mortal things anymore. I finally get to rise above. Yeah. Then there's life. And then we're still human and things like a Corona virus show up and, you know, society being locked down and people and this and that and families being what they are and we get challenged. And when we work on ourselves, the goal is not to be free of these things, but to be able to move through them with ease and I guess comfort, like the entrepreneur kind of like flag, if you will, is get comfortable being uncomfortable because that's really entrepreneurship. 2 (9m 19s): It's like, Oh, you don't know how to run podcasting software looks like you're learning that this week, you don't know how to have an uncomfortable conversation with your employees. Looks like you're learning that this week, like uncomfortable is it's really a state of mind. And once we start to embrace it and realize, you know what, I've actually got tools and skills for this, actually, I'm pretty resilient. I can sit with this feeling and I can explore it. And it doesn't mean anything about me if I don't know the answer. If I don't like the answer, it just means I don't know the answer. And I don't like the answer and that's okay. I find that usually the most successful people are the people that grow the most are the ones that like had like this very intense feeling of discomfort and then like leaned into it and then overcame it. 2 (9m 60s): And then they have like this different relationship when it comes to discomfort. So I find like people that really like are ahead of the pack are the ones that aren't necessarily like averse to discomfort. Would you agree fully, fully agree? I mean, discomfort is just part of the thing. And that's where growth comes from. Like, if you don't want to grow, when you want to just stay the same person that you are that got you too, where you are in life, then by all means don't grow. You won't be very happy, but don't grow. I mean, the growth and the ability to do new stuff, take on new challenges, conquer things that scare us. And when we do ultimately discover like how exciting and awesome it is on the other side of that big, scary thing that requires growth. 2 (10m 40s): So if you want to do something scary, like I did, which was not the retirement, actually it was moving 5,000 miles away from my parents. That was a really big deal for me. Like starting companies being on TV, like giving massive speeches, blah, blah, blah, whatever, tiny anxiety moving away from mom and dad, big anxiety. And the fact that I was able to dig up the courage to do that for me is huge for somebody else. Not so much. Like my husband moved around all the time. I only lived in one place my whole life. So each of us has like something that we might want to do, but we're like, Ooh, that's really scary. And we might shy away from it, whatever it is, you know, for somebody that might be like starting a family or a learning to love again, or traveling ever, you know, I've, I've met people that have never left their small town ever farthest they've ever gone. 2 (11m 28s): It was like an hour away from home. They were like, Oh, that's a big city. That's a really scary to know. But they dream of like places abroad or, you know, we all have our fears and no matter what they are when we actually do the icky uncomfortable stuff and just were like, no, this is going to be a little uncomfortable. But boy, look at that awesome stuff waiting for me on the other side. That's the exciting stuff. Yeah. I totally agree. Another point that you brought up when I was skimming through your book, which I thought was really important, especially 1 (11m 55s): In a world today where we were like so glued to like social media and we get to see other lifestyles maybe that we don't have ourselves is to stop comparing yourself to others. And I was once told that comparing yourself to someone else or being envious of someone else was having link the lack of like visionary for like your own future and like your own abundance. So I guess like, why did you feel like that was such an important thing to draw attention to? 2 (12m 23s): Well, I think it's important because a lot of people do it. There's also a lot of people out there who regard themselves as influencers as a small part of me wants to like laugh and snicker TV, really? What are you influencing? I think there's a lot of people out there that do a couple things. One, a lot of the people in the influencer community, they have a huge pit that is empty when, and they're seeking extraordinary volumes of external validation because they're not internally validating themselves and they're not giving themselves what they need to me. That's not successful. That's not my hero. Someone that really needs tons and tons of validation. The real heroes are the people actually that you're not seeing every day, the people that are busy just living their lives, joyfully in being really comfy and who they are. 2 (13m 10s): And that is not what you're seeing. It's a false narrative. Like I'm sure you've heard this at least once or twice. The news is loaded with inconsistent and a bit of misinformation and nobody knows what to believe anymore, but we take social media as truth. We don't question that as much. We'll look at someone they're taking selfies at the Taj Mahal and this and that, Oh my God, they're living the best life blah-blah-blah or they really are. They running from something. Are they sad? You're not seeing the whole picture. When your looking at these things, you're still trying to externalize your own happiness. And you're still trying to project someone else's values on yourself. If you can actually do the work to master the Habits, which are all about our relationship with You, you won't need that external validation because you realize that you have an unknown limited spring of incredible love, worthiness, joy, and completion inside of you. 2 (14m 9s): You won't need that stuff. And I'd say that's probably one of the biggest changes I've noticed, like how little use I have for social media. Now I realize I have to be on it because of what I do. And I'm trying to spread the message. And that's where people are, right. A bit of an Achilles heel for me, but I don't like it because I'm seeing lots of people being lied to. There's like all these little glib statements about how I should be living my life and what I should be thinking and this and that versus, you know what, you're a great don't compare yourself to me and your wonderful, the way you AR you do you. There's not enough of that. So I don't want to participate and I don't want to see other people get sucked in social media is a toy and it should be regarded as such. 1 (14m 50s): I think it's really important. Be like conscious of like what you are exposing yourself to and like how often. So I think it's important to like constantly be like reevaluating who you follow and like, what is showing up on your timeline? Just because it is so easy to get trapped into like the, Oh, well, I wish I had that car. I wish I had that body or that, you know, house, whatever it is. Like, it's just very easy to automatically just start comparing rather than like having like that lens of gratitude and saying, well, no, I have like all of this abundance in my life too. So just because what they're experience is different, doesn't take away from like what I have. So I think, yeah, just being aware of what you're exposing yourself to, 2 (15m 29s): Okay. You were in the goodness chapter when you were reviewing all of this stuff and goodness has as much to do with the news and social media as it does with toxic energy and how, how we tend to invite or allow a toxic energy in our lives. And well, that's not working out so well, especially with all of the things going on in the world. And I would never say to someone, you should not be informed. You should just bury your head in the sand. That's not the point, but in the case of things like the news, especially when the world seems like it's completely lost its collective mind. Maybe you don't need three hours of news a day. Maybe you can just get the headlines in 10 minutes and then go live your life because that is living, sitting there to terrorize and just glued to the TV, just sitting there, like filling up your anxiety cup to the point where it's overflowing, you're not living and the whole point of being alive. 1 (16m 26s): Yeah. I liked you bringing up the point of being protective of your energy. I think a lot of people maybe get like they have like an overwhelming feeling of guilt or that they owe somebody their time or their space or their peace, if you will, especially if it's someone close to you like a family member or really long time friend. So I guess what would be a couple of tips for, I guess, recognizing like a toxic relationship and like how to kind of create distance, like a, I guess like a safe boundary, if you will, without having to like totally cut somebody off. 2 (16m 60s): I do believe in humans despite so many reasons not to, I do believe in humans and I believe that people really are good at their core, even if they're deeply hurt and very, very messed up from things that have hurt them. I firmly believe that hurt people, hurt people. Right? And I think when we can employ all of the Habits to really just fortify ourselves, there's not gonna be as much of a temptation to really tolerate certain kinds of behavior or continued to invite it in. I think that when we change our relationship with ourselves, by becoming masters of self kindness and self-acceptance, and looking at life through a gratitude lens, et cetera, et cetera, I think a lot of that actually naturally breeds that, Oh, I don't treat me that way anymore, but still do this doesn't work for me. 2 (17m 52s): So when you work on You your ability to identify automatically just kind of shows up. But in certain circumstances, like perhaps if you have like a toxic narcissist in your life, which happens, they'll never admit that their, a narcissist, because that's one of the classic symptoms of it. It doesn't mean you have to get rid of this person, but it does mean that you need to safeguard yourself and you need to be willing to walk away when things get uncomfortable, like not walk away permanently, but sometimes it's, this conversation is not working for me. I love you. And I'll talk to you tomorrow or I don't like it when you speak to me that way, you really hurting my feelings. Oh, well I was just, I don't care what you were just, this isn't working for me. I love you. 2 (18m 32s): I'll talk to you tomorrow. No, clearly outlining those boundaries and just be really clear about it. There's part of the goodness chapter that actually talks really specifically about boundaries with toxic people and how to do that. There are actually a number of invitations throughout the book where you can go online and get lots of free exercises that we'll help you to actually do all these things. Begin the journey of mastery with something like boundaries. There's a whole worksheet on that, that you can actually practice and develop the muscle to figure out like who is actually toxic in my life and identification because the first step to fixing a problem is identifying it and admitting you Habits. So there's a lot of that in there. 2 (19m 14s): And there's a lot of invitation for us to really just do some deep thinking. I wanted to make sure these tools were free because I don't ever want anyone to not do the work because money is an obstacle through the work, but it's a good look at yourself. It's okay. Money should be the least of your problems. It's going to be scary to face some of these things, particularly for those of us that have never actually faced these things. Or a lot of men who have been raised to believe that feelings are bad and that little boys are allergic to crying and feelings and to empathy. You know, we've got a lot of hurt adults growing up that were really not raised with these tools. So the best way that we can actually help society and the next generation is to properly love and take care of ourselves, invest in ourselves and face the scary stuff, some comfortable, but it is worth. 2 (20m 2s): And we will have the ability to actually dramatically change the world. Yeah. I think one of the good points that you were bringing up was talking about like redirecting the past too, the future. And I think that's so important for some reason, it's like so easy and the most like reflexive to like be stuck in the past and like, why did this happen? Why did they do that? Why did I do that? And just like having like this loop, this negative loop of just like living in the past, rather than like that happened, that's fine. How can I grow from this? What did I learn from this? And where do I want to be? Yeah. So I guess what is some of your takeaways as far as how to kind of like break those negative loops? 2 (20m 45s): Well, like with everything else, you have to first acknowledge even happening. We have to like actually catch ourselves. And one of the most important parts of all of this work that we ever do in our lives is proper identification of the blockage, whatever it is, maybe it's a fixation on the past. Okay. Why are you fixated on the past? OK. Because of this. Why? Because of that, why? And just really digging deeper until you can actually get to the real root cause. So a lot of modern medicine will treat symptoms. Oh, you've got the sniffles. Let me give you something for that, but not actually getting to the root of why you have the sniffles. Oh, you've got swollen sinuses. Let me give you something for that. 2 (21m 25s): No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why do you have swollen sinuses? Oh, we have a dairy allergy. Ah, why you don't have good gut health? Oh, can we fix that? Yes. So it's like, there's a lot of different things that we, as a culture, as a society have trained ourselves to do and treat the symptom. I'm uncomfortable. Let me drink it away. I'm uncomfortable. Let me just go hang out with a friend, six feet away with a mask. Let me go do like, let me go do something to take my discomfort away versus wow. There's discomfort. Why is it there? Why am I uncomfortable? Why is the situation even here in my life at all? Why do I have a toxic relationship? Why am I focusing on the past so much? 2 (22m 6s): Am I afraid of the future? Am I feeling insecure about myself? Why am I feeling insecure about myself? Oh, because my mother was insecure about herself. And therefore, even though she told me I was the best thing in the world, she didn't feel good about herself. And I learned by watching her, not by listening to her. And that's something that we all need to take a look at is really just digging deep and not being satisfied with the surface level answer because the surface level answer is almost always the wrong one. I totally agree with that. I feel bad. I'm like I'm talking over here and your team. 4 (22m 36s): Do you have anything to add, chime in with, 2 (22m 38s): Okay. He's nodding and smiling. He's really participating. 4 (22m 41s): You guys are doing great. I'm here to support. I'm a support piece of this. I think, I think one of the hardest things in the world when it comes to habit building or habit unbuilding is the awareness piece, right? Without the awareness piece, I think that it's hard enough to identify the Habits that you want to build. It's hard not to identify the Habits. You want to break, let alone the ones you want to build. Like you mentioned before, the idea of getting out of the habit of being yourself really, but most people don't even know what that means. So I think like first and you even said at first you have to, you, you need that awareness piece. Was there a place in the book where you talked about that awareness piece and how to actually achieve it in order to like take that? 2 (23m 23s): Yeah. Those are all the exercises that I give everybody for free with the book. Is this a piece like the way that people should really regard all of this is read the book and become aware of the Six Habits what they are and the fullness of how they're meant to be integrated and how they combined together to create the whole person that doesn't feel broken in any way. Right? So the awareness is step number one awareness of, Oh, all the things that I'm trying to do with my life or all the things that make me uncomfortable in life. This is the pathway. This is the framework that I need to incorporate into my life. Cool. That's step one. Then step two is let's actually do something with this knowledge because wisdom without application is pointless. 2 (24m 8s): Absolutely pointless. Why know something it's kind of like knowing a tomato is a fruit. The application of that knowledge has not putting a tomato and the fruit salad, or, you know what I'm saying? Like, yes, it's a fruit, but technically you see what I'm saying? So it's really good that we can figure out a, the pathway then be how we begin on that pathway. And that's why I designed the exercises of the way I did. And that's why I included them for free the awareness as the first step. And a lot of people can get incredible success and incredible clarity from realizing the place where we are today in this moment. And that's what I designed all of that stuff to do. And then beyond that, for people that are really committed to doing the crazy work, I became bit of a scientist and I started researching like Habits and what it takes to actually form it. 2 (24m 54s): That's where the 90 day habit mastery program came in. I'm not satisfied with just knowing something that I'm not satisfied with. Just the beginning of the journey. I'm a stubborn human and I want results despite myself. So that's my that. Great. And so when you do the work to become aware, figure out where you are in the journey and then either do my 90 day program or figure out your own way to master these things, whatever it is that is the progression awareness of the big picture awareness of your role in the big picture, and then going on to do something, to acquire these skills. So they can be part of your permanent way of being and really terrible business model. But I'm just going to put it out there. 2 (25m 36s): I am so committed to this message that I'm trying to influence 1 billion people, right? And I'm trying to make it so we can heal parents and help them to truly love themselves so they can raise their children better and trying to heal bosses and leaders so they can lead their teams better and treat each other better and bring greatness from the top down. And to do that, I want people to learn about these habits, really get self aware, do the work, and then ultimately forget about the Habits because true mastery is no longer thinking about this stuff. It's just how you are. And that's what it's supposed to be like. Yes, I floss everyday. It's a habit. 2 (26m 16s): Still gotta think about it. You know, kindness. I don't think about it anymore. That's the goal. The only time I think about the Six Habits stuff is when I'm working on the business side of things and trying to spread the message to reach these 1 billion people and get people to have this moment of, Oh, life doesn't have to be this hard. No, it doesn't. I don't have to feel like crap. No, you don't. I get to feel joyful the way I was supposed to, the way I did when I was little. Yeah, you can. So that's really my, the only time I really think about the Habits any more because I've mastered them and moved on because now I've achieved the goal of, I have an unbelievable relationship with myself, which is the point. 2 (26m 56s): And now, because I'm so happy and complete like, Oh, wow, look at how things have shifted for me. I don't care about the stuff that I used to care about. I'm free. So I discovered how much I love helping other people and now I'm doing it. And that's honestly pretty addictive. I love it. 4 (27m 14s): Fantastic. Yeah. I feel like it's the only way to graduate entrepreneurship in some way. Cause you spend so much time, right. Building a company, stretching your limits as much as possible. And just like, like you said earlier, constantly being outside of your comfort zone, that's a full blown addiction. Entrepreneurship has a full blown and utter addiction like you for saying on a support group. I mean, there are support groups. They exist out there because it's so addicting. Like the idea of, wow, the idea of stretching yourself outside your comfort zone and then feeling that stress, that little mini stress that you have, your body treats it as like, okay, this is the new neutral. So if your not like completely thrown into situations where your head's on a swivel and you have to solve problems every minute of every day that other people can't solve it, all of the sudden like your in a world where you don't have that, it's like your brain just aches for it. 4 (28m 7s): Aches were a problem to solve or X for whatever it is. Write you back into that flow state of being like not bored, but also not too overwhelmed where you can't control it. 2 (28m 17s): Can you see a lot to do and language? Yeah. 4 (28m 20s): Okay. Yeah. I've been there with you. I'm with you. Okay. 2 (28m 24s): Well the funny thing is, you know, I retired from my first company at 37. I was like, cool, I'm going to ride off into the sunset on my horse. Yeah. Right. I'm an entrepreneur. I love business. I love solving problems. That's why the whole Six Habits was born because I was like, well, I feel like crap, I'm going to solve this problem to solve it the first time correctly, period. I'm done here we are. So now it's like, huh, how do I reach a billion people? That's a tall order. Okay. Challenge accepted. 4 (28m 51s): Right. And now you have your life's worth. 2 (28m 54s): You were just one person in like a sea of literally billions of people. How can I make this message matter? And admittedly with me not being a fan of social media and practicing what I preach, it's a bit more complicated because I need to reach people in different methods while still honoring the truth of what I'm putting out there. I can't be in congruous with what I'm trying to put out there and use the very tools that I'm telling people to perhaps take some space for her. 4 (29m 22s): Yeah. I think luckily that there are a lot of people pushing good missions out there. And a lot of people influencing people to think about having a mission and doing great work. And that kinda helps like shift the social media realm a little bit towards a more positive, unfortunately not everyone's following all the good stuff. Right, 2 (29m 42s): Right. Wow. That's not even talking to a PR company about like helping me to push the book and do all these wonderful things. But that's when the world erupted in things just really getting really crazy. And I just had to put the brakes on it. It was like, people want to hear about bad news right now in a way that I can't even compete with. So I have to kind of go in through the back door and find the people that are really craving change versus going broadcast right now because there's just no value. Like I would put so much money and time and effort into trying to get a message out there that people by and large are not ready to hear. People need to be in enough pain before they're willing to actually do something about it. 2 (30m 24s): I mean, you've heard this before. Like the pain of staying still must outweigh the pain of change. And for some people they're not there and with the news and the election and the violence and the, this and the that, it's like, Oh wow, this message is so much more important than perhaps it even was six months ago. And my ability to reach people is diminished dramatically. So I'm so grateful that you invited me to talk with you because this is an important message. I think more people need it. No, I couldn't agree more. And I wish that it didn't take people feeling like such an immense amount of pain before. Like they woke up. I just, I constantly see so many people asleep and I mean, I don't take my own advice. 2 (31m 8s): I could definitely be a lot more strict when it comes to like the media that I'm intaking, but it's just so hard. Cause it's like a drug it's like, once you are in Twitter, you're like their, for the rest of the day. And all of a sudden you're like, Oh my gosh, we can hour just went by and I've done nothing except for see like negativity after negativity, after negativity. And for some reason it took like you just see so many people addicted to the pain for some reason. And I just wish there was like another way that you could help that you could wake someone else up. But unfortunately like that awareness piece, like they have to initiate the change by recognizing that there needs to be one that's true. But a lot of it is sometimes just shining the light on the truth. 2 (31m 49s): So I know you skimmed the book, but if you carefully read the goodness chapter, you'll see a lot in there. And by the way, I'm the CEO of marketing company. So I retired, I did not divest myself from the firms. So as a marketer to tell you that the reason why the news and Twitter and Instagram and whatever sucks you in it's designed that way. It's dopamine head after dopamine hit after dopamine hidden, it's a constant habit loop. And it's designed that way because that's how marketers sell stuff. That's how the media sells you stuff. The news is no longer information that is objective. The news is infotainment. It is delivered to give you dopamine and keep you coming back. 2 (32m 29s): You're basically the rat in the cage constantly pressing the lever for another cocaine, hit with no different. And it's important to realize this, you are the product. Twitter is not the product. And if you think about this from the advertiser perspective, this is what my company does. I'm constantly trying to help my clients get to these people, just like you, because your, the product I am the product, right? I'm the only way that people can do that and actually reach the product. The human is to constantly give them a reason to come back. So it's an endless newsfeed. You notice that you can never get to the bottom. 2 (33m 9s): You can hit refresh, boom, new stuff, boom, new stuff, cool, new stuff, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. And it's just this cyclical thing that is actually a roading. Your wellbeing from the inside is destroying people's will to live. And I'm not actually overstating that it sounds dramatic, but that's actually the case. People are no longer interested in living. They're interested in survival because the media keeps people in fear. Now I couldn't agree more. And I wish more people were that passionate when it came to it. And I think that there needs to be like some kind of restriction, like an age restriction. Because even me as like an adult, like I have an issue with like having a time limit. 2 (33m 49s): And again, like censoring, what I'm exposing myself to. I can't imagine someone that's like a minor, right? It's just, it's a dangerous place to be. It's awful. Well, especially now the kids are forced to be home all the time. They don't get to do things like go out and play with their friends. I mean, listen, I think I'm older than you. And I remember growing up with making mud pies when I was a kid and making my little oven out of rocks and the Stonewall. And I don't know that kids are getting that because they have all these glowing rectangles TVs and iPads and this and that. And now they have to do even more with like at home learning and their parents are fatigued and there's just so much going on. And half the time, the easiest way for parents to actually parent and still provide money for the household is to give the kids a digital babysitter, which means more negative, more negative, more negative. 2 (34m 39s): And you can't blame the parents for this. It's not their fault. They're stuck between a rock and a hard place. What we do not feed the family. What do you do? There are no easy answers. There aren't any, and it's not even safe for kids to go play with each other anymore. You know, like he's a better answer. 4 (34m 56s): You were living in such an interesting time because there's that. But it's also balanced with like when we were growing up, we were never taught how to understand like this software. If our brain is a hardware and everything that we experience and everything, what you learn is the software that got put in there. We were never taught Habits structure. We were never taught neuroscience. This is all the last decade that this stuff is actually becoming popular. I wasn't taught at any more than, you know, but now we hear stories all the time of kids like doing like the Montessori program or like yoga, like a two year old. And these meditative practices where like now kids are actually like learning how to use the software piece of their brain before actually getting it piled on top of it with different education and culture and the experiences that they have. 4 (35m 42s): Right. So it's 2 (35m 43s): Okay. I've heard about that to your point. I think there was like a school in Japan or Thailand or something or several schools where the kids actually have a portion of the day dedicated to meditation and people, adults probably cynical adults are like, ah, kids can't meditate. Oh yes they can. And their minds are much more free than ours are. This is a side point that I could really go off on this. I'll try not to people really largely underestimate children. They forget how brilliant and wonderful little kids AR. And one of the things that like is particularly in the gratitude chapter, I talk about a lot of our appreciation and the goodness chapter. I talk about like our childlike ability to just practice the good things. 2 (36m 27s): Particularly with presence. Nobody's better at presence than children. Nobody. Meanwhile, we were all actually at one point master's of the six Habits we all were, my job is to return people to it because kids don't show up in life being like, Oh, you're so fat in that diaper. Okay. 3 (36m 50s): Okay. 4 (36m 51s): The judgment doesn't kick in until well later. When did they say like the ego actually starts? 2 (36m 56s): Oh, I think it starts at two though. That's pretty early. Yeah. It starts really kind of like showing up, you see a lot of three and four year olds, but you know what? I've seen such tremendous gratitude in little, little, little, little kids. Right? You see like a little, little child holding their cat and they're just so present and so grateful to be with their Katie. And they're just rubbing their face against the kiddies back and they're present. And they're just like, Hi, this is the best thing ever. And that is a child that is in the moment. They're grateful. They're really immersed in this joy of the moment. And that's all that matters. And boy, you don't know intention until you meet a three-year-old. Okay. Those little buggers, they know what they want, why they want, how they're going to have it. 2 (37m 37s): And if you don't give it to them, that's cool. Lets try a plan. B C D E F G. Oh, you're in the way mom. We're going to get to plan X. Okay. That like, I love kids for this reason. I wish I had a couple, but we all have these things inside of us. All of us. And it's a shame like, you know, not to throw my mom under the bus, but I'm throwing my mom under the bus. I learned a lot of my unkind behavior from her. Not by what she said to me. Oh no. My mom was the definition of a nurturing mom. I love you. You're good. You're smart. You're beautiful. You're kind all the things you want your mom to say to you. But I learned the way she spoke to herself. 2 (38m 18s): Oh, I'm so fat. Oh, I'm on a diet. Oh, I've been on a diet for 40 years. Oh I look like s**t today. Sorry. And like, I look like this and I can't do that and Oh my God, blah, blah, blah, blah. And my mom had really rough cause my father was disabled and she was depressed and she didn't treat with as much love as she could have. And I learned that. I learned by watching. So then I grew up being on a permanent diet, constantly hating my thighs and this and that because I thought that's just what you're supposed to do. 1 (38m 49s): Yup. Oh, we had a similar upbringing. It's amazing. Like you don't, you don't realize how important like these little moments are. So it's like, would you talk to someone that you cared about this way? No. Then why do you talk to yourself that way? For some reason we justify like treating ourselves like garbage, but like we want to be nice to everybody else. So it's like having like the same amount of respect for yourself that you do for someone that you care about. 2 (39m 15s): Yes, exactly. So this is something that we really truly need to do to fix fix the way we behave, not fix us. We are complete. We, our whole just as is, we don't need to fix us, but we need to fix some of the stuff we do get away from these bad habits that have led to us being self loathing and being distracted, being all of these things that, or just really not who we want to show up as. And when we do that, we show up better for the people that report to us, the people that learn from us, our children, our friends, and be the change you wish to see in the world. I love that quote so much because that is what this is. I wish to see the world being a kinder place. 2 (39m 59s): I wish to see violence in the home go away. I wish to see father is not being so stressed out about money because they don't feel good enough for their families. And as a result, they develop alcoholism and beat their wives and their kids that I, I want to see women not being afraid to be leaders because you know, we live in a world that's so broken the calls, women, b*****s, not bosses. And we do that because we're afraid of women and, and we've taught women to behave in such a way that leadership equals aggressive. Versus let me love you and show you a good constructive way to do this. I mean, there's so many things that if we can effectively reach these 1 billion people, and if we can effectively change parents leaders, government leaders, and all these wonderful people, we get to actually shape society differently. 2 (40m 48s): And I won't be alive to see it. You won't be alive to see it, but a hundred years from now, we could see happy people walking around. I mean, you know what, here's the point you and I probably think that the idea of a world without Wars, conflict abuse, crime is so far fetched. The fact that we think that it's that far fetched is evidence of how absolutely utterly broken we are. The fact that we think that good as possible. And it's more likely to live in a world. That's on fire that, Oh no, the world on fire. That's normal. Oh, well that's just the way life is. That's more plausible than a world of joy. 2 (41m 28s): That sad. Yeah. It is sad, which is a wake up call. In my opinion. If we can take a look at again, shining the light on it, we can take a look at why are we not believing that a world that's good with whole complete happy, constructive, helpful people is the norm. Why can't we not accept that? That means we seriously have some work to do. And we must collectively look in the mirror, invite the change and actually do the work. That's a thing I don't need to change a billion people or 7 billion people. I only need to make all these people aware of. 2 (42m 9s): Yes, they're can be a better way. And it starts with just you and that's all you need to do is just change you. You don't need to go lift buckets and Uganda, you don't need to do this or that. You literally just need to work on you. That's it. And we will all collectively be able to grow as a whole. 4 (42m 26s): Yeah, I think it'll take like death by a thousand paper cuts. That'll take a thousand of people doing what you are doing, running a book. And instead of now you'd take the risk of a business deal that now you're taking me on the social risk, authenticity, and being out there in the world. You're creative writings is being out there, but that's the next addiction probably for you. How to magic makes a ton of people doing exactly what you're doing in order to effectively change someone 1% at a time. 2 (42m 55s): Oh, absolutely. It's going to take a lot of people like me. Cause there's a lot of people that really are woken up that do care, you know, and to be able to spread this message and to help humanity as a whole to heal what is broken and be better going forward. Look, if Tony Robbins hasn't done it. I certainly won't okay. We, we, we need a lot of us. Okay. He's a big man in a lot of ways. And I am a determined so-and-so, but I'm fully aware. It definitely takes a lot more than me, but who knows where the next evangelist will come from, maybe there'll be graduates of my program. 2 (43m 35s): They'll go through they'll change their lives. So radically they'll have their own massive epiphany about the book that they need to write to spread the message and share the better way the enlightened path. It's not this big thing where you going to send out a meditation pillow and chanting. Oh, I'm like, I'm a practical, like cynical, a woman. And I'm stubborn. This is the path of enlightenment for humans. Not for just the yogis of the world, you know? Right. It doesn't have to be like all or nothing. Exactly. 4 (44m 4s): Okay. And you have an online platform with all the tools and everything 2 (44m 9s): I do. If you go to the Six habits.com, you'll be able to see everything. The word Six is spelled out the Six habits.com and you can actually order a free copy of my paperback, just pay the shipping and handling and I'll mail it to you. You can learn about the 90 day program, which is incredibly life. Maybe it's reaching, but I'm going to say world changing a little bit and that's all available through that platform. You can even find out about the Ted talk that I've got coming up. Whenever the world is open again for public events, I'll be giving my talk and I'm super excited about that. 1 (44m 46s): Congratulations. That's awesome. That's awesome. 2 (44m 49s): So what's next. After the Ted talk, I don't even feel comfortable planning next month at this point. Just because every time I go to make a plan, God laughs. And it's like, ha here's the virus have fun. I don't know. And I think one of the traps I got caught in as an entrepreneur with my first company was always what's next. What's next? What's next? What's next? I don't want to stay in that loop. I would say I'm excited to the Ted talk. It's really just going to be more of the same and really focusing on practicing what I preach and living my own good life in my best possible way. Like I dunno like the TedTalk is something I've always wanted to do, but personally I'd like to get myself to Antarctica. That'll be awesome. I can't wait to go. 2 (45m 30s): I was going to go for my 40th, but the world's is closed for business. And my passports basically is useful as the Costa right now. So 1 (45m 37s): Yeah, that would be magical. That's like on her, on my list too. Yeah. I've seen like some of like the tour's that they do up there. It looks 2 (45m 44s): Out of this world. It's a dream it's going to happen. It's on my vision board. Just don't know when. Okay. Well thank you so much 1 (45m 51s): Joining us. I think that what you're doing is awesome. It could help a ton of people. So I hope that you reach that billion people and thank your Ted talk to you for helping me do it. Of course. Yeah. And then I hope that you like just crush your Ted talk and you get to go to Antarctica and all that good stuff. 2 (46m 8s): I'm sorry. No, it was supposed to be April 11th, 20, 20, but about a month before that was supposed to happen. The school that it's being held at needed to just put the kibosh on all sorts of events. The state of Massachusetts, where the event is going to be held became one of the leading States for COVID cases, et cetera, et cetera. So until public events can resume or they can at least do a small event and I can fly there. That will do it. So in summary, I don't know. Well hopefully soon, 1 (46m 42s): Rather than later, everything will. 2 (46m 44s): Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I'd like to see the world return to normal in a lot of ways, but I'd also like to see a lot of the perspective shifts remain and this is a big reset in a big way for a lot of reasons and a lot of people. So we'll see what happens, not all the things that we were used to our good. And so hopefully 1 (47m 5s): Some positive changes will come out of all of this one can help. 2 (47m 9s): Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for letting me chat with you guys and inviting me to talk about this message and being excited about the Six Habits it has been wonderful. Yes. 1 (47m 18s): Thank you so much. And to enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you. Bye bye. That's it for this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you have the time please rate and review and you can hit subscribe to stay up to date with our latest episodes. I hope to have you back 0 (47m 34s): <inaudible>.