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May 18, 2022

#64 Lisa Bilyeu - Radical Confidence

Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of the billion-dollar company Quest Nutrition and the author of Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. She is also the host of Women of Impact, a show featuring women who have overcome incredible hardship to achieve massive success.

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Book: Radical Confidence by Lisa Bilyeu


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0 (0s): Music is the most beautiful way of changing the chemicals in your body. You listen to the song survivor by Destiny's child, sing those lyrics out loud. I dare anyone to feel badly about themselves. 1 (17s): Hey, everybody, you're listening to Chatting with Candice. And before we jump into this week's episode, if you want to hit that like, and subscribe button, that would help me out a ton. And then you will always get a notification when I'm posting new and important invigorating content. So with all of that housekeeping out of the way, please help me welcome the co founder of billion dollar company, Quest Nutrition, the host of women of impact and the all-around bad-ass Lisa Bilyeu. 0 (46s): Let's see one thing. 1 (47s): Oh yeah, no, it's everything's on censored. So whatever you want to say, do it's totally fine. 0 (54s): I forget these days that something that you have to ask, I'm so used to not asking, 1 (58s): That's really kind of you, because I wouldn't even think to I'm like this. I'm just going to show up as I show up and then you can just add little beeps, I guess, if necessary. 0 (1m 8s): I love it. 1 (1m 9s): I don't know. I was super stoked that we got this scheduled. I feel like it was in the works for a while. And when I was talking to your husband, when he was on a while back and you came up and the more he talked about you, I was like, I feel like I some weird connection to you and like a bunch of similarities kind of popped up. And I was like, I have to ask you on the podcast because I just like need to know this woman a little bit better. And you two are just like, so my favorite couple to like, follow, like both of your dynamics, you have this very cool balance of like independence, but also like this really awesome marriage. And there's not a lot of people that are kind of putting that out there. 1 (1m 50s): So, I mean, I appreciate all of your content. 0 (1m 53s): Thanks so much. 1 (1m 54s): Yeah. Yeah. So I guess I don't even know where to start with your book. I skimmed the entire thing. I definitely want to go back and like reread it, but I guess I'm going to start with like the thing that resonated the most with me, which there was the section of your book where you start talking about, I guess like diet culture and like body image and you get so real and so personal, which I so appreciate. I literally got goosebumps while I was reading your story, because there was one example you gave where you were talking about a boyfriend at the time, like pinching your waist and you know, saying, oh, you're getting a bit fat or whatever. The words that he used word I'm like, holy cow, my dad did that to me when I was about 12 and like pinched my hips. 1 (2m 40s): And he's like, oh, you're getting fat and had all of these bad examples with food. And that led to me also developing like serious auto-immune issues growing up and it taking years and years to properly diagnose. So I guess with that, it's like, you don't realize what you're looking at from the outside in, because you see this like super powerful woman and then she's super confident. Why is she writing a book on confidence? It's going to be so unrelatable, but you are the most relatable person that I've virtually met or met through a book in a very long time. 0 (3m 14s): Thank you. Yeah. It's so funny. That's actually why I wrote the book and I called it Radical Confidence. Cause when, you know, I started to notice a lot of people asking them, how do you get your confidence? And I tell you, I literally was like, who are they talking to? Like, it's like, you're looking over your shoulder. Cause they must be talking about the person behind me. Because if you had the voice in my head, you'd be like, Lisa, speak nice to yourself. You'd be like, Lisa, why are you so mean? And it's like, the truth is I have a negative voice that tells me all the time, the things that I can't do, the things that I'm bad at, the things that I would embarrass myself, you know, it's the one that speaks up where it's like, oh my God, don't you feel shame over that. And so it was very important for me to write the book because there's a massive chasm between the way you feel and the way you show up. 0 (3m 58s): And so just because I don't feel confident doesn't mean that I don't show up every day and that's kind of where the Radical Confidence piece comes in. But thank you for that. 1 (4m 7s): No, of course. And I think that's like a huge misconception when it comes to the topic of Providence in general is people assume that it's something that you were born with and that you don't struggle with. And it's not like this muscle. And for me, a lot of it is faking it until you make it. It's like the risk of failure doesn't match like my potential for reward. So I'm going to put myself in uncomfortable situations and maybe look like an idiot because I'm more drawn to succeeding than scared of failure. It's not because I think I'm going to crush it. There's I have the same negative voice where I go in and I'm like, you're going to sound like a fool. You're not good enough imposter syndrome, all of these things. 1 (4m 48s): But I have to say like, well, what is going to serve me the most? And what's my mission. And then just kind of like go that way, but it's not like having this inherent confidence. 0 (4m 58s): Yes. I love that so much. And people see the act. And so they assume you must feel good about yourself to do it. And I love what you say because what you say, cause this was actually one massive pivotal moment for me, where I kept getting asked to do public speaking. And you know, I would say no because the crippling fear, I mean, people fear public speaking more than they do death. Like that's just how fear like public speaking is. And so I just kept saying, no, I was like, why would I ever do that to myself? And eventually my husband turns around and he's like, baby, you know, like obviously we've got a whole company based on impact. It's like, you know, you keep saying no to this, but actually, you know, you're, you're not in line with what you say you want to achieve. And so if you're okay with that, that's fine. 0 (5m 38s): But my husband being my husband, we're very honest with each other. And so I really sat back and just assess to your point of like, okay, this is my goal to create impact, to really move people, that my message makes an impact on them in their lives. And so when I look at why I wasn't going on stage, it was because I was petrified. It was, the fear was so overwhelming. The voice in my head said, Lisa, you're going to be terrible. You don't know how to public speak. Your husband is amazing. You've seen all these incredible, like all my friends are just, oh my God, next level. And it's like, you're going to embarrass yourself. You you're not even close to their level. Right? And so I was very honest about, oh, this is why I'm not doing it. And in that moment, when you think about the voice, that's in your head telling you why you, why you're bad, I call it the ego, right? 0 (6m 24s): The ego, the ego doesn't want you to embarrass yourself. The ego doesn't want you to feel shame. So the idea is trying to prevent you. So I go, okay, why now? It's black and white. It's, what's more important. My ego or my goals. Like, it's that simple to what you were just saying, because if I go, oh, it's my goals. Then I go, cool this right now, the fear that I have cannot stop me. So now, now that I've decided, because it is a decision I've decided my goals are more important than how I feel about myself. I'm going to put in that first step that I need to take in order to get towards that goal. Because just telling yourself you want it bad enough, ignore your ego. 0 (7m 7s): Doesn't sometimes actually help you get started. So that's where I go. It, you still don't have to wait to feel great. You just have to come up with a game plan. So for me, the game plan with public speaking was you just have to say yes, like that's the first step, just say yes. And so in order to overcome that fear, I was like, okay, what do I know about myself? The second someone asks the fear's going to come in and my instinct to say no, so I've done the self-assessment and now I know what I'm going to do to counteract that. So I literally said to my team, the next person that reaches out that wants me to public speak, say yes, without checking with me. And so that was my game plan and getting over the fear of saying yes. And so we put these little incremental things in like, okay, well then how do you get on stage? 0 (7m 49s): How do you like to step on stage? What is that fear? What happens if you get stuck? What is that fear? And each little step had an in one little tool that I can go back to so I can step out of my head and out of my emotions. And then out of that negative voice, that's trying to keep me, but I'm quite safe. 1 (8m 8s): So when you did your very first public speaking event, how did that go? 0 (8m 13s): Oh, huh? It was TEDx that reached out and I was like, oh, 1 (8m 16s): When you did 0 (8m 18s): One in my life, 1 (8m 20s): Just go home. 0 (8m 22s): Yeah, of course. Of course. I've had all these other people ask me in front of, you know, not many people and here's TEDx, but I made a promise to myself. And so in those moments, who do you show up with? The B? And so I said, yes. And that's when the real fear kicked in. So this is where I talk about, what's the voice in your head saying I called her the bitch in my head and I'm like, how do I turn this bitch into like something that I can use? Because so many people I don't know about you, a lot of people would like be nice to yourself. Talk nicely. Don't be called. And I just found my, my natural instincts and inclinations, my character is to be. And so now, because I couldn't talk nice to myself, I gave my negative voice, another reason to be mean to me because it was telling me, see, you can't even get me to shut up. 0 (9m 5s): So is this like vicious spiral? So I was like, okay, I can't shut her up. How the hell do I take this Quip tonight and use it as my superpower? And that's where I was like with no emotion, sit there before I'm on stage. Before I get anxiety, literally just take inventory and write down all the things. My negative voice is saying, this isn't a place where I'm going to defend myself. I've got no emotion. I'm just writing her down. So I start writing well, you're to schedule your H your heart's going to be so much out of your chest, that you're not going to be able to actually step on stage. All right. That's a valid concern. I don't want to talk myself out of it. So before I get on stage, before I even travel before like months and months beforehand, what are the things that I know that I can do to help build my Radical Confidence? 0 (9m 51s): Because remember, I don't feel confident. It's the Radical Confidence to build my Radical Confidence to step on stage. And now it comes to, okay, what are the tools that I can use? Music? Music is the most beautiful way of changing the chemicals in your body. You listen to the song survivor by Destiny's child. Sing those lyrics out loud. I dare anyone to feel badly about themselves. Less becomes this like super motivating hype song. So the question right now is what does that face on one hand? And what is that hype song they're going to use to help along the way? So having that hype song ready, having it on repeat, having it very easily accessible. 0 (10m 33s): Number one, number two, I in fact, give a kid a Cape, what do they do? 1 (10m 40s): Start acting like a superhero. 0 (10m 42s): Yes. So the power of clothes, the power of how you feel when you put something on is embedded in us as kids. But we don't use that as adult. So I was just grasping at straws and I was like, what can I do to help? And so I found this little cheapy, one woman, Netflix, online on Amazon. And I started to put it on and every festival was just like a fun little thing I put on. And then afterwards, I was like, what if I can trick myself and build the habit of using this as empowerment tool? What would that look like? Because again, I know any tools to get onto stage. So I'm like, all right, what if every time I put this on, I look in the mirror and I repeat to myself, you are bad. You're like wonderful. 0 (11m 23s): You're bad. And repetition creates habit. Repetition creates habit. You do that long enough. Now, when I put this on immediately, I tell myself that, and I don't think about it. So now, as I'm getting ready to get on stage, I start to put on my armor. So I put on the necklace, I have really chunky watches. And the reason is I kind of feel like cuffs, but wonder woman. So as lent into all of these, now, these are just the lease of versions, but I want people to think about what are those things for them that they can do, that they can stop putting in. They can cultivate a meaning and a feeling behind it. The last one was my boots. So I have these knee-high boots and I'm like, Tom, I put these on, you know, what? I kind of feel sexy. 0 (12m 3s): And I kind of feel confident when I put them on. So how would I lean into this? All right. What if I gave them a really cool, empowering name? So I ended up calling them my bad bitch boots and what happens is, and I even do that, that tone now, I didn't mean to, but like there's other adopted it. And so now every time I zip them on, in fact, as I was gearing up to getting on stage, I put them on and I remind myself, you've got, add bitch boots on Lisa, you got your bad bitch, boots on. And so now by the time I do the work, I do all the pre-work. So now by the time I get there, I'm still freaking petrified, but I've got all these little things, tactics that I've put into place that I can turn to, to give me that one little tiny, little extra boost. 0 (12m 49s): And you know, things like leading up to, I did an alarm in my phone and I literally close my eyes. I call it, you've got this room roulette. So my my message to myself was you've got this with a lower like muscle emoji, but whatever phrase someone wants to pur, what are the thing they're trying to embody think about, put, put that in your phone, close your eyes and spend the time. Now you don't know when it's going to go off. And the idea of this is you do that enough times. You do that maybe once a week, you do different messaging do over a month. It starts to subliminally tell yourself what you make. And so it's, and it's me against me. It's me encouraging myself. It's not me looking outwards. It's not me trying to get validation or confidence from anyone else except myself. 0 (13m 33s): And so now the voice in my head that was scared. I've now come up with a game plan. And the last thing, the one thing that I was like, okay, what else is she trying to tell me? Because she's my friend and all friends, even at times of struggle, they tell you the truth. What if you freeze on stage? That is like the worst fare I have that I get out there. I've got an on where you listened to the song you get up there and then everyone's just staring at you. Yeah. So I was like, okay, number one, practice. Because that's going to help eliminate the possibility of freezing. Because if you know your stuff so much, one of my favorite movies of all time is karate kid, the wax on wax off weight, your practice, your practice, your practice. 0 (14m 19s): So the, by the time you actually get to the time you need it, you've got it down, pat. So I was like, okay, cool, practice, practice. What does that mean? That means you have to write your script months in advance. That means you have to read out every single day. That means I have to ask my husband to sit there and I'm going to do in front of him. That means I have to, I'm going to set up my camera. I'm going to record myself. I'm going to rewatch myself back. I'm going to be my best friend. And my best friend is the person that's going to give me the wonderful, critical advice on what to do better. I'm going to now give myself my own advice. And they're going to set up a whole thing with my team. And I'm going to do a whole presentation in front of them. I'm then going to have them submit a feedback form on what they think. And so you, you literally practice practice, practice, but you still may never guarantee you may not freeze. 0 (15m 4s): So, okay. I've practiced. I've done all the work. I've done all the pre-work. And now how do I think through when I freeze? Cause my voice is really telling me that's my biggest fear. Have you ever seen those kids? That when they like fall on the floor and they really scrape their knee and they were about to cry, but they kind of look at the parent and they're like, should I cry? It's really the same thing with mirroring. Right? People mirror each other. And so right now I'm thinking like if I was on stage and I froze, what is everyone else going to do? They're going to freeze. And now them freezing is going to make me freeze it for more. And it poses again, this vicious cycle. So Lisa have a game plan that if you onstage and you freeze, what are you going to do? 0 (15m 45s): Because I can't trust my emotions because I know my emotions would just want to literally run off stage. So what are you going to do? And so I just said to myself, Lisa, you're going to laugh. And I was like, okay, well I don't know what mistake I'm going to make. It doesn't matter. You're just going to laugh at yourself. That's it? Because you're not perfectly. So. And so if you make a mistake, it will be wonderful for everyone to see. You can just laugh at yourself. And so literally I go on stage and within three minutes, of course I do this massive mess up. I'm telling this whole story about how like my grandmother and my dad, and I'm like, my dad gave birth to my grandmother. And I paused. I was like, well, that would be weird. And I just started laughing and everyone just burst out laughing. Cause I just made the joke. And then literally I just carried on and no one remembered, like it literally was like, I was over it. 0 (16m 30s): There was no tense in me. Everyone loves the fact that they laughed, made me then like relax again. And now I just continued with my speech. I look, I look back it wasn't great, but you better believe I'm freaking damn proud of it. And now it talking about the confidence piece, I've just built up my toolbox. So the next time I go on stage, it doesn't mean I'm going to be confident, but now I know what tools work and I know what don't and then I can start putting in either new tools. I can either refine my tools, but the idea isn't to then feel confident immediately. The idea is, is to say, I was meet going on TEDx was day one. And just like anyone studying anything, you go to college. It's not like you're going to study medicine. 0 (17m 10s): It's not like on day one. They're like, oh, and operate on this brain and do a heart transplant. They want, you know, nothing you're going to learn, but we don't graze when we're trying a business or we're trying, you know, public speaking or anything like that. So I just gave myself the grace. I reminded myself and you know, I do notes and hope post-its this. And I was just like, it's day one. And so next time I speak, it's going to be day two. And so now we just becomes, how much better can you get? And now let me pride myself on being the person that can just get better. And now in the effort to just get better, you develop competence. And once you become competent, that's when you get the confidence. 0 (17m 54s): So the confidence becomes the byproduct of everything else I've just spoken about. It's not the end goal. 1 (18m 1s): No. Oh my gosh. Nailed that on the head. It's it's defining what success looks like for you, which is crucial because you can't control anyone else or how they're going to digest your content. So especially if you're a creative and you're putting something out there, if you're going to define your success on how many people like it, that's not great. So you have to be very specific on what your mission is and then what success looks like for you. So if I'm doing like a podcast, for example, and I feel like shit afterwards, I'll like ruminate on it. And my husband's like, well, what was, what were your, what was your definition of success going in? Like, did you do those things? And I'm like, yes, but he's like stop with the, but you just said yes. 1 (18m 44s): So it was a good podcast. And I'm like, all right, just let me ruminate. And he will not. He'll try to like rip me out of it, thankfully, because I'll stay there forever. So it's very important to not define that like externally and have your metrics be inside. And I love that you brought up clothing as, as like a tool to use, to get ready and to get into like the right Headspace. Because the thing I keep seeing right now, and I think it's popular because a lot of like these male CEOs are wearing hoodies and zip ups and just like the same house over and over. So like, you don't want to waste any mental energy picking out wardrobe. You just want to wear the same thing every single day. And I was like, sure, maybe that does benefit some people, but I align more with your mentality, which is clothing can be so powerful. 1 (19m 28s): And even like, just something like jewelry is it's like an anchoring product, right? So they'll some people call them like a totem. So for example, if you work from home and a lot of people did the last two years and you have a family, or if you're married, whatever, live in spouse, it's really hard to turn that off because every now your environment is all one thing. It's all one cohesive, like weird work, live love space. So if you have a totem, you can either take that off or remove it. And that could be your physical reminder of, okay, now I'm not working now. This is like our sacred space to enjoy and relax. Like I cannot talk about work. So the power behind clothing and jewelry, I don't, I don't think can be overstated. 1 (20m 10s): So I love that. That's something that you implemented with the book and that you do every day because we need more of that need more. 0 (20m 18s): Can I tell you actually lose secret? That just happened a couple of days ago. Yeah. Oh my God. So to your point, so, so much of my life. So I ended up getting started as a supportive housewife and I say stuck because it wasn't the dream that I had or being the supportive housewife very much to that point. So Tom and I were saying, okay, no BS, what would it actually take for us to get enough money to make movies? That was the dream. So Tom had just read an article with Steve jobs and he said, that exact thing. He's like, oh, I don't make silly decisions. Like, what the hell am I going to wear? So I always just wear the same color. And so we want to come across. It's actually genius. So we're like, all right, babe, you don't make any decisions. I'll be the stay at home wife also, I'll make all decisions. 0 (20m 58s): You go to work every single day and we'll just be for a year, a year and a half and we'll make enough money to make movies. But that was why I stayed home because of the decision-making now about three days ago. So I very much try to pay attention to where I spend my energy and time. And so my gym clothes always the same. I literally, I wear the same sweat pants every day I wear, I have like the same two, three tank tops and it's literally the same shape. It just has a different tagline. And I just rotate. I just literally grab whatever. But the other day I was doing a podcast and I was in such a rush and I was feeling really burned out, like really burnt out. And I said to myself, Lisa, you really burn yourself out. What's the thing you can immediately take off your plate that just like the little small things. 0 (21m 39s): And I was like, all right, don't you decide what to wear. And part of me was abolished you on podcast. Immediate was like, Nope, your goal is to make sure that you have brain clarity on these podcasts, but I love fashion. So literally I was like, okay, this is the outfit. And I'm just going to wear the same outfit to do the two days in a row. So I still had like my watch and all my, my, my totem items, but I still actually ended up wearing them back to back. Cause I was like, I don't have time to actually think about what I'm going to wear. So as actually put the two together, it was the first time I did it. But I love that you brought that up. 1 (22m 7s): No, no. That makes sense. I was actually going to do so I have like a very similar chain and I was like, oh, I should wear my chain. Like, this is a good opportunity. And then we can match. And then I was like, oh, then I have to switch my top and it's this whole thing. And then the podcast is an half an hour. So then I didn't do it. So there is some truth to it, but I do think it is a tool that shouldn't be ignored. 0 (22m 27s): Oh my God. Honestly, a thousand percent. And I'm surprised people, especially people are gonna hate those, that especially women. But I think I'm just projecting for me. It's been such a powerful tool. Like for so much of my life, I had like the down the middle center, parting long hair, you know, and I never cut it. So it literally was just like one style of mine for like 20 years. Like I literally don't even remember and I would never tie it up even when I would go out, like I wouldn't do anything special. And it really was like, I was so afraid to change or do anything differently because I was so afraid to stand out. And now I'm like, oh my God, all those years, all those years I could have been using my style. 0 (23m 11s): My dress sense as a way to motivate me. It's just a, such a missed opportunity. 1 (23m 17s): Oh, absolutely. But it's so funny when you say things like that, like you're scared to stand out because anyone that's known you since you've been hobbling would be like, what are you talking about? She's got this hair and she's shaved it in the back to this big w and she's always got these chains. And like, you are unapologetically yourself, which I always love when I see that, because there's like, for some reason, there's this natural instinct for a lot of us to want to blend in because we just, you don't want to be seen, you don't want to rock any boats. You just want it to be agreeable. And then you realize that that does come at a cost of, you know, suffocating your real self. And then if you don't know who you are, you can't chase your dreams and then you can't be happy. 1 (23m 59s): And then it's kind of like this waterfall effect that leads you to a life that you wake up 20 years later. And you're like, how did I get here? And like you said, in your book, it's, it's not like, how did I get here? It's not one big thing. It's all of these tiny little decisions that you make that chip away at your potential. 0 (24m 16s): Yeah. So true. Yeah. So true. 1 (24m 20s): So I guess one of the things in your book, and again, it's like, it's, it's surprisingly raw. And I was like, yes, girl, that's great. You got into the decision, like the process of making the decision to not have children. And I thought how incredible that you shared that with everybody? Because for some, it's a really hot topic button for everyone. Like everyone feels like should have an opinion on everyone's life. And that there is one path. And if it's team, no kids, like that's the only way moms are terrible. And then if it's stay at home moms, it's like, oh, well, those women don't know what they're missing out on. And we're not understanding that everyone has different needs. 1 (25m 3s): And I think the process that you, that you went through was incredible. You talk about kind of opening up that can of worms and being so honest with each other, like when you shared Tom's response and he was like, listen, I'll obviously love those kids, but I'm not going to be home for every dinner. I'm not going to sacrifice my work ethic. I'm going, like, I'm not going to be available to you or them like all of these hours a week. And I was like, wow, what a strong relationship you guys must have. Even at that point to have that brutal honesty, because he obviously trusted you enough to tell you that. 1 (25m 43s): And not like, if I tell her that she's going to go off the handles and that, you know, it's going to cause this thing, and then you trusted him back to like go through your process. And I think so many couples could benefit from that. It's almost like when you have these really monumental topics that every couple needs to know where the other one stands on. Right? Like if you're building a life together, you absolutely need to know like marriage, kids, careers, like where do we align on these values principles, but we kind of gloss over them because we're like, Ooh, I don't know what they're going to say. And what we have right now is great and I don't want to ruin it. So what have you and Tom done to like, create that safe space to where you are so trusting that you can have that brutal honesty with each, with each other. 0 (26m 29s): Yeah. Such a great question. Go. It really comes from basking. You have to just agree on the goal because do we align on that? We're both trying to achieve the same thing. And what does that actually look like? So, yes, we want to be married for the rest of our life, but happily married for the rest of our lives. So we go, okay. Do we agree? We both wants to be married happily for the rest of our life. Yes. Okay, great. What are the things that we need to agree now? So that if they come up, when it comes up, that we both are able to do it. So first of all, saying the hard things, even if you think you're going to upset me, I need you to be honest with me. Do we agree on that? 0 (27m 9s): Yes. Right. So now you've put all these rules, bulls quote, unquote down so that when there's something I have to tell my husband that I'm like, he's not going to like this. Like I am literally, maybe it's like, oh my God, this is such a beautiful time of our lives. Do you want to walk the boat? Right? Is that we'll actually, we've just made a promise to each other. And that promise is I will say the heart thing because that's, we both agree that thing, hard thing is going to get us a happy, lasting, long relationship. So we make these small agreements. Nother thing is language, language that you guys use really matter. So knowing, because if I say to you, for instance, you know what, I really promise you, I'm going to do that. 0 (27m 51s): You might go. Okay, cool. And then if I don't, maybe it's not a big deal to you, but you may not know the word promise. I say four times a year in my life, four or five times a year, maybe each year. So you better know when I say promise, I will fucking kill myself. I'll cut off my right arm to make sure that I do that. But if someone else doesn't carry that same weight to that word, what happens is maybe now you tell me, you promise. And I'm like, oh gosh, wow. She's just said, promise. That's a big deal to me. But imagine you say it 30 times a day, because it's not a big deal to you. That's not a reflection of whether you're a good human or a bad human. It's not a reflection of whether I'm a good human or a bad human, or whether I'm white or your right. 0 (28m 34s): It really just says we come from different perspectives. And our interpretation of this word is something different. So let's get a line because now at least, you know, if I say to you, Hey, promise really means a lot to me. Maybe now you're going to be more careful about using around me because now you understand how I perceive it, or maybe don't agree with that word. Did you ever see the movie four Christmases with Reese Withers us? Do you remember the mistletoe where it's like, if I say this word mistletoe, it means we get the hell out of here. So it's like, it's like having code word, but having literally entire dictionary of words where you define what each meat. 0 (29m 16s): So that's another thing. So for instance, coming back to the whole, the kids question, when I said to Tom, babe, I really need to talk to you. This is important. You already knows because we've already established what that word means. So immediately he already has heard. What I'm about to talk to them about is really meaningful to me. So having those languages, setting yourself up for having these discussions, setting yourself up for a space where you can, they know, Hey, this may be a hard thing. But remember we both promised that we were going to say the honest and truthful thing. So having those established at the beginning of a relationship, or like, as you get tighter and tighter, obviously you want to say it on the first day, Hey, look, this is what it's going to mean when I say this right on the first date. 0 (30m 0s): So the dictionary thing. And so that was the, the foundation of building a relationship. So you can have these discussions now, how do you actually handle them when you go into it? So the first thing you actually said, open the can of worms. For me, there was something that I was hiding or asking myself for a long time. And we all do this. We all try to avoid hard questions sometimes because when you ask yourself and you say, you have to answer it, maybe it opens up a whole can of worms, which is so overwhelming to you that you can't even comprehend them with them. So you do go, well, fuck. I'm just going to ask myself the question in the first place. But the example I give in the book is you say, am I happy in this relationship? 0 (30m 42s): And what if the answer is no. What if you've been with someone for 15 years? And you're just going through the motion and you're avoiding asking, but then you have the courage to ask yourself the question. And then you realize the answer is no, you open up a can of worms and a can of worms look like, well, are you willing to work on it? Are they willing to work on it? Who gets the house? Does this mean divorce? Who gets the kids? If you have kids, what do you do about your bank account? Does one of you have more money than the other? Did you do a prenup? Rightly it looks like who gets him a Christmas? Are you going to die alone? Like, there's so many questions that concurrent with one question, right? So giving yourself the grace to ask yourself the question and knowing why you're asking. 0 (31m 27s): So for me with the kids, I was avoiding it. I was avoiding it. And then after a while I kept feeling like this uneasy, like my biological clock was ticking, as they say, right? And I thought I was going to have four children. I was thrust into quest quest grew at 57000%. So I went from being a housewife to helping my husband build the company to then literally building my own department. And within that transition, I started to realize what lit me up. And I started to realize it was the challenges. I thought so low of myself, of what I was capable of and being put in this pressured environment. I realized I love business and it lights me up more than the thought of kids ever has. 0 (32m 9s): And so I tried to avoid asking myself the question. And so I tried to do everything while I was like, okay. So, you know, I'm going to work as an entrepreneur. I'm going to take care of my husband at home. And then like in a year, I'll figure out how I'm going to have the kids and have to have this career. As a lot of, many of us do, we try to do everything when I started to process that everything, it was, it didn't sit well. So that's when I just was like, oh, there's a question I'm avoiding. And I have to ask myself. So once I allowed myself ask myself, did I want children? I had to ask, what is the belief system I have around children in the first place? Like, why has it taken me eight years to ask myself this question? So I started to realize it was from being a child, all the messages being Greek Orthodox. 0 (32m 54s): My grandmother telling me that the pinnacle of my life would be when I get married. You know, my dad's telling me that actually he didn't care what I studied at universities, the degree, because I would end up as a stay at home wife. Anyway. Now all of this is their perspective of how they were brought up. So there's no judgment there. But when I look about how I had the perspective that having children was why I was put on this planet, I'm now not surprised, but all the beliefs I had around it one mind. And so that's where I had to stop, strip away and just write down, why did I want kids in the first place? Like do a pros and cons and what was all the reasons why I thought I was going to have kids? So I wrote down legacy and as we wrote down legacy, I'm like, I don't even freaking know what legacy means. 0 (33m 37s): Like, it's one of these, like I kept saying like, oh, to continue the legacy, what does it actually mean? And so when I started at what, okay, Lisa, but what does legacy mean? So I literally started like asking myself and then I was writing down the answers of, oh, it's being remembered when you're gone. Okay. Amazing. Do I think I need legacy through children actually know I could do other things in my life and still be remembered. Okay. So is it blood related that that was important to you? Well know. Okay. So why did you think that you need to children? Well, I really loved the idea of having a little Tom. Okay. Write that down on the pro list and literally, so you can see, I literally break things down, break things down, and now you've got your pro list. 0 (34m 17s): And now you just assess, does this still aligned with you? Is this still important to you? And now you have your other list. Now the other list was I love my life. And so that was just like a blanket statement. And so I was like, okay, I can get so caught up in the emotion of the joy of having a kid. Like I could literally just focus on my prolife. And I think a lot of us do, even when it comes to a business or it comes to a relationship or kids, like you can focus on the amazing things. I'm a glad I'm going to have a business and I'm going to be able to create content and I'm going to change the world. And then I tell you it. But the reality is you have to get up on Saturdays at 3:00 AM sometimes and blah, blah, blah. And Hey, all these date nights that you're having, you go to bed, you know, you go to bed at 10:00 PM and you're hanging out with your mates. 0 (35m 2s): All of that is gone. Like, that's the reality of starting a business and then you may go, oh shit, I don't really want the business. And the great news with a business is you can shut your business down. The thing is with kids is you can't send them back. And I said, that was my, that was my worry. So I was like, I actually have to think through this, I can convince myself over the joy, all the amazing things of why I should have kids. So how now do I process whether I should have kids on them? So I've blown through my belief system. I've really broken it down. So now I understand where it comes from. I understand that it wasn't something that I processed myself. Now I've got that down. And now I go to, what does an average, Wednesday, like that became my, my statement. 0 (35m 42s): What does an average Wednesday look like? Because I can't get my emotions. Co-op in a little Tom. I can't get my emotions caught up in like, oh, but when I'm old, I don't want to die alone. So there'll be someone there it's like, well, I didn't know what on an average, Wednesday, cause you're way more average Wednesdays than you do when your deathbed or you do in other situations. So what does that look like? Okay. Now let me process my life. Let me process what it would look like. If I had, if I was a stay at home wife and I gave up my career, what would that Wednesday look like? All right. Now what the other options I could work and be a mother. Great. What does that Wednesday look like? And literally ride it out. And then what does look, life look like or Wednesday look like if I didn't have kids. 0 (36m 25s): So I literally no judgment. I just said, oh, I can't make up my mind yet. So I just need to put all my options on the table and really assess what that looks like. Now in that assessment, I talked to Tom when we had many discussions. And to your point, we're very honest. So that's because we do already set the honesty, even if I don't want to hear it. I said, babe, these are the situations, these, all the doors, I see that we've options that we have now. I want you to tell me what type of father you want to be like, how do you see this? And he's like, Hey, if you know, I'm ambitious, you married an ambitious man. And just because we got married and just because we're going to have kids, that is something that I couldn't be a good, I couldn't feel good about myself and be a good husband or a good father. 0 (37m 6s): If you ask me to let go of my ambition, I respect that. So what would that be? What would it look like to you? The type of life you would want? And that's where he said, I wouldn't be home at 7:00 PM. Like basically from Monday to Friday, you'll take care of the kids. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night because my sleep is very important to me, but the need to show up for work, because I know what I need to, you know, how many hours sleep I need to have, you know, very cognitive strength made. I would make the business decisions. And so I wrote that down under all my three options and said, okay, with all these three options, knowing basically from Monday to Friday, I'm somewhat of a single mother. And look, there is no hurt behind that with him, because all he's doing is being honest with me. 0 (37m 49s): And that's what I've asked for. It's not to make Lisa happy. You know, like one of the most heartbreaking comments is when I hear men, especially say a happy wife is a happy life that breaks my heart. Yeah. Because it's like, you're one piece of this relationship. You have like half of the home. And so you're just saying that your, your happiness doesn't mean anything. And all you care about is mine is that, that doesn't sit well with me. So husband love of my life. What type of father do you want to be? And if this is what leads to your happy life, then I have to take that as fact, I can't take that to heart. I can't take that as an offense. It's like, it's not about me. 0 (38m 29s): It's about him. And so just like, I'm able to do my assessment on, do I want to be a mother? I need to give him the same space and grace to do the same thing. So as we started to go through this process, I said, okay, so what does the weekend look like if you're working nine to five, like I need to take this into account because if you're saying, Hey, look, I'm not going to be present for my kids ever. That's an important thing I mainly put out, you know, because then again, I can decide though, that's up to me. There's actually no hard feelings to him. At least he's owning his truth. And so he was looking and of course I want to be an amazing, so when I'm home on the weekends, you know, I'll take them to soccer practice and I'll get up in the mornings with them. 0 (39m 10s): And so as he starts to explain what his weekends look like with our children, I'm like, so when it's time for me, he's like, basically that right now we'd have to do things together. Like our time would be either at work, if you decide to stay at work or our time would be we'd, we'd do the things with the kids on the weekends. And so we literally disposed. So I was like, okay, so maybe we get an hour. Okay. That's actually just being honest. And now with no judgment, is that actually the life I want is that the type of relationship I want, am I okay. Moving on his priority list? And if he, okay, moving down my priority list because I would want my children to be my first priority. 0 (39m 50s): At least when they're young, that's just, I've made literally in Zillow, shame on anyone else. This has no judgment on anyone else. I'm just wanting to make sure people understand how I think on how I need to assess what is right for me. So if other people don't agree great, now at least, you know what you're looking for in life. And you can make decisions based on knowing, but you have to ask yourself those questions without worrying, what other people are going to think of you. Other people are going say of you because so many of us make decisions based on how the outside see us. I mean, you know, going back to your very pointed question, which is like, we all kind of like worry, like, oh, well, am I stay at home wife now I'm not accrue in the career. 0 (40m 33s): And it's like, oh, well I'm doing this. And now I'm not this, this whole process that I just laid out is exactly how I detach from outside expectations. How I detach myself from worrying about how the people are going to feel. And I'm a people pleaser. I, you know, I really want to get the pat on the back for my family. I want them to love me. And I want them to be happy, but I can't make decisions about my life because of them. And so doing this process allows me to emotionally. 1 (41m 5s): That's so brave. I mean, I don't know a lot of people that have taken the time to like strip down their beliefs, especially like such fundamental ones to first principles and be like, well, why do I think this? Why do I believe this? Why do I feel this? Because so much has been kind of just thrown on us and forced on us. And we don't necessarily know why we have this, this reality around us. And we just kind of all blindly like agree to this set of rules. And then maybe those set of rules aren't right for you. And I mean, you won't know, unless you, you have that bravery, you take that, that time to really dig into it. 1 (41m 47s): And it can be terrifying because you're like, well, what if I'm not like everyone else? What if the life I want is not like everyone else. And then that's even more terrifying. But again, like if you want to have the life, that's going to give you the most fulfillment. You need to know why you believe the things that you believe. And what's truly important to you. So, I mean, I wish more people did that. Cause there's so many topics right now. Everyone is like, so charged all the time online. And it's like, if you don't even know why you think that, like, you don't even know why you think like, maybe I'm a bad person. Like why? Like, what is, you know what I mean? Like, why is sex bad? Why is our women's supposed to be demure and quiet? Like, why is this the only way? Right? Like sit with these things that we've been told, and then maybe you'll realize you have a new idea and then you wake up and you're happier and better for it. 0 (42m 32s): Yeah. And I want people to know, like everything I just said is coming from the same person that when I was 21 years old and I went on a date with my husband for the first time. So our very first date, there's this like bold, you know, American guy. And I'm here just for fake vacation and we're sitting here and he's so curious. He's a curious man. And so as we sit in there on the first day, he asks me and he's like, oh, you're we call the dogs, but I am Googled. Why'd you believe in God? I was just curious. And I'm 21 years old. And I sat there gobsmacked because no one had ever asked me that question before. And the only answer I could think of was because my dad owed me to 21. 0 (43m 15s): So you want to talk about a belief system. It didn't even occur to me to question, I was that person. So I want people to know that everything I just broke down was precisely what, how I went from being stuck for eight years, living a life, everybody else, serving everyone else's needs everyone. Else's happiness. Always pushing aside my own unhappiness, thinking that I didn't deserve it. Or I had no right to speak up and ask for the life that I wanted. And yet, you know, 10 years, 15 years later, I'm here. And I can say all these things of how I process my belief and how I didn't let that hold me back. So it is possible. It just takes time. It takes giving yourself grace. It takes giving yourself time to self-assess. 0 (43m 57s): It takes giving yourself time to question the things that you have in your head. It's not a one and done. It's not like, Hey guys do this. And tomorrow you're going to be amazing. This is like a practice. And so I just think it's worth enough. I think it's worth enough. And the life that I want when you get stuck for eight years, God, I've just told myself, I made a promise. I'm never going to get there again. And how do I never get that is I have to assess every, including the way that I think. 1 (44m 24s): Right? And then when you strip it down, as far as you did, in the example you gave in the book, what I loved was you were S you kind of see their realities of everything, because I think that's also like a false city that we see a lot of the times is this narrative that you can have at all. And it's not to say, don't go after your dreams because absolutely like, take your moonshot. But everything is a trade-off, right? So if you do want to work and you do want a family, there is a trade-off like, you ha you will need help. Right. You will be making sacrifices. You won't make every single game. You're not going to be there every single minute. You're not gonna be able to call off with every single cold. Right. So there, there is a trade-off and you were so honest about that, that I was like, wow, this is so refreshing because that's like, all I ask for, I don't want one narrative to be like, you know, that really far, one far, one that's like, you, you shouldn't have children at all, because they're not going to give you a purpose. 1 (45m 20s): Or kids are the only thing that matters because when your left what's what did you leave behind? Blah, blah, blah. It's like no curate the re the life that you want, but be honest about it because there are trade offs. So you can do both. You can have a career and you can have a family, but this is what it's going to look like. And then you said this bit, that was like mourn the life that you have to give up for the life that you want to build. And I was like, that is so beautiful because it's owning that decision fully. And then you can step into it without any regret or resentment and just fully own it together by yourself. However, you're making it. 1 (45m 59s): But it's just like this, again comes back to brutal honesty, even with yourself. 0 (46m 5s): Thank you so much. Cause this was something that people didn't speak about. And so, as I was processing this, like, how should I have kids not have kids? I was like, it felt right to that. Like, as I would look to all the, you know, the open, the doors and the options, I was like the one that really lights me up, like when I don't have to justify my opinions or my, my answers to anyone, the one that lights me up is going all in my business. So that was wonderful. And yet I was so heartbroken. And so it was really weird as I was like, I know I've made this decision, but I'm actually heartbroken over it. Like the, I, the thought of not having a running around, like the thought that I wouldn't be able to have a daughter that I could teach her a stronger mindset. 0 (46m 49s): Like it's, it's heartbreaking. And that was something I was like, I have to just recognize that actually this is heartbreaking and that's okay. And just because you choose one thing doesn't mean that you're not sad about the other. And to ignore it, I actually realized was doing me a disservice. So it was like, what do people do when something Dysons they have that sorrow is you actually have the money. You have to process the loss of it. So it was like, oh, I need to process the loss of thinking. I was going to be a mother, even though we know why I'm doing it, even though it's the right decision. And so what does that look like? Okay. I'm not going to have a little time and then like giving myself time to grieve. And then same with Tom. 0 (47m 29s): You know, for eight years I was the stay at home wife. And so when I said to him, we had the whole intimate con long conversation about, Hey, I want to go into business. It was that same thing of like, give him the grace to moon, the wifi he thought I was going to be. And the wife I was letting go of, because I wasn't going to take care of all of his needs now, day in, day out. And so I gave him the grace to be like, yes, baby, I am changing. And I recognize this is going to be a transition. This is a process. And letting go of something takes time to let me know how I can support you over this time of morning. And, you know, the solution we came up with because I wanted to make sure that he felt respected and that this was a team effort was I said, well, what if I wean you off? 0 (48m 13s): You know, quote unquote. So I was like, you know, we'll take you, I cook. And I clean for you seven days a week. Then next week we're going to take it to six. And the week after that, we're going to take it to five. And the week after that, I'm only going to do it for four, you know? And now I'm showing him the respect to do that mourning process to let go of the wifi used to be. And now going back to where we started on relationships is that now you really feels like we're doing it as a team. And that we're in this collectively together versus me coming in and say, Hey, I don't want kids. I don't want to take care of you. And now as my husband, you're just going to have to deal with it. 1 (48m 46s): <inaudible> see. And I guess like bringing this back to like the whole confidence topic, I think a lot of people might misconstrue and think that would be confidence, right? It's like going in and being what some people would see as like strong and abrasive and like this fighter mentality and like that's confidence. And you just have to like lead with this more like aggressive charge instead of being soft and having like that balance. So I think, especially with women right now, it's, it's like this dance between like the feminine and masculine energy, because the masculine is what is going to drive you. It's going to give you your goals, like conquer, climb, all of these things, which if you're working and you have like those ambitions, like that's going to be there, but it's also not to deny that feminine space, especially if you have a partner, because you have to be able to do that, give and take. 1 (49m 37s): So if you show up as like your bad bitch, like conqueror and the relationship all the time, where's his space, like where is he supposed to fit in? So do you have advice on like on balancing that masculine, feminine energy? 0 (49m 51s): I do. Oh my God, I love this topic. I, not many people have asked me about this, but it's so important because I think it's really something that we struggle with. At least there was something that I really struggled with. So I go from being this housewife, taking care of my two puppies to then building quest, that grain grew so quickly. So before I knew it within two years, I, I enlist. You have a facility of 40 employees. Now, our first offices were incompetent and Tom and I, Tom, in fact, when I met Tom, he was big brothering for this kid that lived in the inner cities. And he was like, babe, the people don't give people in the inner cities. A and so when we started quest and our very first facility was incontinent, he was just like, look, I really believe we all make mistakes. 0 (50m 34s): And I want to give anyone an opportunity to get a job and be here. So we basically put a call out and we said, we don't care about your background. We don't care. If you've got a criminal record, we will consider you for hire, for quests to work on, you know, in our company, as long as you show up and that you're dedicated and you work hard. And you know, you're, you're focused on who you are today and who you want to be. And so we literally were just hiring. Whoever was great for the job, didn't matter. Their background. Now I'm five foot, one with a British accent. I was hot. We were hiring it, got to the point where literally they were like six foot five dudes that had fricking T neck tats, like an, I love tattoos, but like, it's a little intimidating. 0 (51m 14s): I'm not gonna lie. You know? And the one guy had like a tattoo, a teardrop tattoo under the eye, which I watch movies. And apparently that isn't a very good sign, but again, they will amazing hardworking human, but I was definitely intimidated. So I'm thinking I'm meeting all these leadership books about, you know, by women that is like, you know, don't show your emotion, go in there and be like a man. And I look, this is 2010, 2011. The messages definitely changed since then. But that was what I thought go in there and be a bull because these guys are so freaking tough. They are giant. How the hell do you command the room? Lisa, that man. All right, you got to get tough to go in. 0 (51m 55s): You've got to show that your bull and no one can push you around. And that's what I did. I was just barking orders at them, telling them what to do and to move faster. Well, you can imagine that didn't really go over very well. It's not a great leadership tool. It's not motivating. And so it didn't work. And I was like, oh God, like what? I tried, what I thought would work. And I was like, well, instead of just trying to like, think what everyone else wants, what's the least, what's the thing that actually feels authentic to me. And I was like, all right, what do I know that they love, they love hip hop. I freaking love hip hop. I'm a nineties hip hop chick. Like I get down with rap. And so I was like, what if I just got big speakers? 0 (52m 36s): And I just put them around and I put on Tupac because I freaking love to, but like I've learnt his lyrics. I was that person that would sit there and rewind the tape. And like, what did he just say? And write it down, I'd learn like his lyrics. So I was like, I'm just going to blast it on the, in the facility. I'm just, when someone's done a great job and we've had big milestone, I'm just going to put fricking hip hop and everyone like would pause. And if not, he's like, no, I'm like, and you know, we would like stand around and we would rap who knows the lyrics better. And it would just be a moment for us to connect. And so then the next thing I was like, I like games. Like if I need to work fast, I try to gain the five things to get it done. 0 (53m 19s): So I was like, well, everyone always is asking me for free quest balls. And it kind of sucks working in the production facility because you're sweating even a hair it's not sexy. So I was like, how can I bring fun? Enjoy to everyone's lifestyle is like, all right, what if I make it competition? So on days where it was really getting hard at west, where were our orders were just coming and it was so much, I ran into the facilities. I was like, all right, guys, we're going to have a competition. You and you, you go over there. You and you, you go over there now let's have a competition who can rap the quickest, whoever, you know, who Obox the quickest, whoever wins gets a free box of quest bars. And so now what you've got is you've got all these teams, like shouting smack at each other. 0 (54m 0s): Right. But like, it was such a fun environment because everyone liked each other. So we're like, we're going to be, you know, we're going to be you like, oh yeah, you watch it. And before you know it, the camaraderie was amazing. The spirits were fantastic. And you better freaking believe we've got the work done on time. So I realized that putting on that, what I had perceived as being masculine, meaning hard don't show weakness, go in there, like a ball didn't work. And yet getting in touch with who I was, my authenticity, what's my version of motivation. What would I, how would I want to motivate that is that's really how I did that. Now to your point about feminine and masculine, I wanna make sure that I definitely touch on this because I had to learn all of this. 0 (54m 47s): Now in this process of everything, I just broke down. I start to get tougher and tougher and harder and harder, right? Because you learn tricks. You you've been stung a few times when it comes to business, you get thicker skin, you get thicker skin. And what I didn't realize I was taking that thicker skin back home. And so it got to a point where I sat with Tom or I just, I can't remember even what happened. Something happened. And I was like very harsh with him. And he said, babe, because I back through honesty, we've committed to the fact that would always be honest. Even when the other person doesn't want to hear it. He's a babe. You're really hardening. And he's like, I understand why. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, look, I understand why every day you're fighting, like just to stay afloat because I'm learning skill sets along the way as well. 0 (55m 33s): I didn't know how to be a boss. So he's like, I get it, babe. You're not used to this. You're you're going in. You're you're trying to dominate this department. You're trying to make sure that you do it well. And he's like, so I understand why you're having to get thick skin, but you're bringing it home into our relationship. You bring it home into our relationship. And I just want you to know, I loved your softness, like your softness, your kindness, your sweetness, your cuddliness, he's like, it's something I'm extremely attracted to. And so I just want to make sure that you're aware in case you don't see how hard you're getting. And so I had to be open. I had to be receptive to his opinion, the, his feedback to his thoughts. And then I had to come up. So I had to assess, do I agree with him books? 0 (56m 14s): Just because he's saying it doesn't mean that I actually, and I was like, oh, I actually do. Like, I wouldn't want him to be one or the other. I like the fact that he's soft and sweet and cleaned and loving. And so if I, if he was letting go of that, that would be a problem for me too. So I received it and now I said, how do I maneuver this? Because the hardness, the masculine serves me in business very often and look so does a feminine, of course, you know, I put the feminine on when I need it. But like, but how do I use it? And how do I create the skillset that I can embody masculine when I need it and embody feminine when I need, like, how do I maneuver that? 0 (56m 56s): And so I started to going back to the clothes. I was like, okay, when I show up, what are the clothes I wear to make me feel like, like a bad-ass to make me feel strong, to make me feel like I got this. And then what I realized is, oh, I can do the same in reverse. I can literally do the same in reverse. So I put it into practice. So I have this idea. I can do it in reverse. And I was like, I have to test out. And so one day I'm in my, like, get shit done mode all day, really fricking hard answering questions, dealing with problems. Can't show weakness, keep going, keep going. When someone's looking to you for decision-making blah, blah, blah. And then at the end I was starving. So I had to eat now I have massive gut issues. 0 (57m 36s): So when you're eating, when you've got massive gut issues and you're stressed, it isn't a recipe for a happy life. So I was like, okay. I recognize I'm I'm hot. I am, oh, like all the time I need to soften up. So how do I soften up? I put this process. Okay. Lisa, just like you suited up today with your AMO. What if you took your almo? Okay. What would that look like? All right. Before I go and neither kudu from my husband, I was like, I know my thing. And I'm sure you have that thing as well. Right? Where he's like, you know, like when you do this, you feel a certain way. But what if you don't feel like a cuddle? What is, you're so hard and you're so worked up in that moment that even just the thought of a cuddle makes you cringe. 0 (58m 18s): And that's where I was. So I was like, oh crap. The thing that I normally tend to as my savior, I don't want to do it. So just like I suited up, I now need to unsuit. So before I went to give my husband a cuddle, I deliberately went upstairs. I switched my phone off. I pulled my hair up. I took my makeup off. I opened up my pajama drawer and I pulled out the fluffiest wonder woman pajamas I possibly have, which I really do have. And I put on my fluffy wonder woman pajamas. Now, why do I do that? The fact that it's wonder woman, it gives me a lighthearted feel. I love superheroes. So it gives that light heartedness, fluffy it's comfort. It's not tight. It makes me feel like I want to be squishy. 0 (58m 60s): And so then I literally over time, over like 10 minutes, it took me, I started to unwind and then I went downstairs and I said, babe, I need a big squishy hug. And he gave me a big squishy hug. And that is exactly how you maneuver between knowing your tools, knowing what you're going to use when, and then leaning into them when you need it. And it's imperative. And I, I love that you brought this question up because the thing is, is that when we don't talk enough about the duality and you know, I grew up in a world where I was like, I know you have to choose. You have to choose, oh, if you're, if you're bringing your masculine energy over here, would that means that you're not feminine. And, and so I was like, I'm fed up of this, this, this messaging, like I'm fed up with people telling me that I should be, you know, should be one thing or another. 0 (59m 51s): And I'm just like the beauty, the makes up us women. The beauty that makes us up is that you can be so nurturing. Let's just take a baby to a baby. And then if someone came along and threatened your baby's life, you would be a beast. You would be so vicious, right? You would protect that child. Like it was like your life depended on it. So you have the ability to go from developing a strong hardness and a sweet kind softness. Now, the only thing is, is developing it and knowing what was you can use. 1 (1h 0m 31s): No, I think that's amazing too. And I think you definitely did a really great job at portraying that throughout your book, because it is this balance, right? We're not just purely feminine and men, aren't just purely masculine. And I think that right now we have like such a hustle culture with both genders that we see this competitiveness that we maybe haven't seen in the past with women. And it's really hard maybe to turn off, especially if a lot of us like didn't have healthy male role models growing up to like, make us feel safe. Because if you grew up without having like that foundation of security, then you're constantly on like this almost like surveillance, like you're constantly assessing risks and you get so used to that throughout your life, that when you find a partner, you don't trust them to take watch ever. 1 (1h 1m 20s): And you're like, I constantly have to do this. So it's being able to like recognize and listen to that criticism and be confident that you can trust your partner and confident in yourself that like, if you let your hands off the wheel, everything's not going to fall apart. 0 (1h 1m 33s): Yeah. A hundred percent. And then sometimes it may. And then if you do, how are you going to get back up? Like, that's the thing is like, I don't pride myself on getting things. Right. I pride myself on being the person that when I get it wrong, I get back up and I learned from it. And that, to be honest as the identity that has saved me from so much of my anxiety, because I always wanted to be perfect. I didn't want to miss make a mistake. And my husband, you know, stole this from my husband. He's the one that's like be the learner. Like if you've got the identity as the learner, when things go wrong, when problems happen, you literally can just say, oh, okay, great. What can I learn from this? And now you're more powerful or 1 (1h 2m 10s): That's one of my favorite things that he's said that I've just clung onto. I mean, I used to be one of those people that was so scared of failure. That probably like a lot of people, you just wouldn't even take the risk because you're that fear that possible embarrassment was just too overwhelming. And my husband recently pushed me to do this crypto series on the podcast and he was pushing, pushing, pushing. And I was like, I don't know enough about this space. I'm going to look like a moron. I can't talk to these people. And he just booked these people. Like he put, he booked these names, heavy hitters. And I was so frustrated. I was so mad at him that whole week, while I was like doing all of my research and he could tell, cause I was being very short with him and he's like, he's chuckling to himself because he knew at the end of it, I was going to come around and be like, I'm really glad you did that because you stretched me. 1 (1h 3m 1s): And I went into it when I would feel stupid. I was like, listen, I'm just the learner here. So we're all learning together and that's a lot easier to swallow. Then I'm an idiot. Right? It allows that it allows you to have those hiccups. And that's fine because I'm not here to be a professional. I'm here to learn. And just that reframing is so powerful. So by the end of it, I'm like, okay, I can talk a little bit about something that I thought I was never going to be capable of. So it's goes back to something that you touched on in this conversation, in your book, which is like how powerful words are right. And so many different contexts. So it's like, no, your definitions, no, like audit your thoughts, audit your words. 1 (1h 3m 44s): All of these things will absolutely shift the reality. 0 (1h 3m 48s): Yeah. The oldest things huge. Oh my God. Because we don't realize how often we do it. 1 (1h 3m 54s): Oh my gosh. If you were to take like, take a tally, it's like, would you talk to like this? You would have no friends. You talk to anyone else, how you talk to yourself, you would have no healthy relationships. 0 (1h 4m 6s): Yeah. Oh my God. In going back to this, actually, how we, you even saw to the podcast about body image, I'd worked to my mind so much. And then there was like one day, like maybe like two years ago or something, you know, I've been working on my mindset for like 15 years and like two years ago or something, it was something happened. I can't remember what, but I realized that I walk past the mirror and just totally insulted my body in my head. It didn't even Dawn on me. And so there was something about it that really stood out and I was like, why 1 (1h 4m 34s): Did I 0 (1h 4m 34s): Just do that? I was like, how often do I do that? And just by asking myself the question, I was like, all right, Lisa, with no judgment, you're just going to take inventory of how often you do that. I was doing it like eight times a day. It was like, I would go to fix my hair or something. And I'd be like, oh God, you look terrible. Like those dark things were. And then you'd walk back in the mirror like, oh, I think I got something a month under my eye. And you get to wipe something on your eye and like, oh God, I look horrible today. Or, oh my God, can you believe? And it was like small little bit, a little things that I would say. And until you audit and you realize it's like, you can't change it. So literally once I started to realize, I was like, all right, what's the plan I'm going to put in place because this doesn't serve. 0 (1h 5m 17s): I recognize this veteran mental. I recognize this isn't healthy. And so what on earth am I going to do? And so the first thing was, every time you do it, just replace it with something else. So literally every time you go to say, I hate this, tell you, tell yourself something that you like to be like, like, I'd go to be like, oh my God, you've got dark rings on yours. Oh my God. Your eyes are lovely. You know? And it's just like, come up with something that you can say, it may not feel real. And that's actually okay. Like to me, it becomes just trying to, I'm just trying to break the habit first. And that is the key. But yeah, because we don't realize we do it. And then imagine that's your friend. Like you tell God, you look terrible today. What's wrong with you. 1 (1h 5m 56s): Yeah. You would never do that. You would never do that. We started doing this thing and it's more my husband and myself and it snaps me out of it. If I go to talk bad about myself in any way, he's like, don't talk about my wife that way. 0 (1h 6m 9s): Oh, I love that. 1 (1h 6m 13s): And I have no, I have no response because it's like, of course, like he wouldn't let someone else just say these awful things about me. So he's not going to let me say these awful things about me. So yeah. It's, it's like all these like little baby steps that you make, you know what I mean? Just on the, on the path to growth. 0 (1h 6m 29s): Yeah, exactly. It really is. 1 (1h 6m 32s): No. So I w I mean, this was incredible. I would love to have you on again in the future. I think you're such an incredible woman. Do you want to tell all of the listeners and viewers where they can follow you, support you, buy your book? All of, all of the shameless plugs. 0 (1h 6m 47s): So this is the place that I'm actually working on my own Radical Confidence in being a little shameless, because it doesn't sit well with me. It's not my natural personality. So going to even what you were saying about getting uncomfortable, like I'm very willing to get uncomfortable in order to get better. So the, the shameless plug is go to Radical Confidence dot com. And if you pre-order the book or get the book for, there's like a bunch of bonuses over there. So go to Radical Confidence dot com. They want to follow me. They can go to Lisa Bilyeu on Twitter and Instagram, really like the two main places that I am. And I guess Facebook, but yeah, those are the things. 1 (1h 7m 25s): Well, awesome. Thank you so much for doing this. 0 (1h 7m 28s): Oh my God. So much fun. Thank you so much for having me. 1 (1h 7m 32s): That's it for this week's episode of the podcast, Chatting with Candice, don't leave just yet. 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