#91 Bibi Brzoka - Energetic Love Making

0 (0s): I like to describe what is happening in our society. It's a slam bomb, thank you, mom. Or we have a lot of one pump jumps and within this five minutes, there's a lot of action, there's a lot of friction, there's a lot of humping, and there's also a lot of tension because we want that instant gratification. And the only way we know to Orgasm, it's this climatic, explosive, ejaculatory type of an Orgasm. 2 (28s): Hello everybody. You are listening to Chatting with Candace. I'm your host, Candice Horbacz. Before we jump into the episode, if you wanna support the podcast, you can go to Chatting with candace.com. You can sign up for our Patreon, or click that little link that says, buy me a coffee. If you have not hit like and subscribe, please do So. That helps with the algorithm, it helps with charts. And then you won't miss a single episode. You'll get a little notification from me this week. We have international speaker on holistic sexuality, Bibi, ska, I hope I said your name right, Bibi. She has spoken at Summit, at YPO Forum in magazines like Vogue and L, and she's teaching people about Energetic, Lovemaking and conscious sexuality. 2 (1m 12s): That sounds right up my alley. I'm so interested. I felt like this was divine intervention when she came across my feed. So please help me welcome Bebe. Bebe, thank you so much for being here. I'm so glad this worked out. I know you have a ton of travel and you came across my feed and I feel like I've entered this space where I've been focusing a lot on sexuality and Pleasure and reclamation, and you just came into my life at the most beautiful and perfect time. So I'm so excited to sit here and talk with you, 0 (1m 41s): My Pleasure, and I love this phrase because it literally is what I do in life. 2 (1m 47s): Yes, 0 (1m 48s): I'm excited that my feet calls your attention. Lots of love goes into, that's a beautiful, 2 (1m 54s): Oh, I can tell. 0 (1m 55s): Yes. Amazing. 2 (1m 57s): So I guess let's just jump into it. So I see this term Energetic Love, Making all over your page. You've done these really big talks at very prestigious summits and events and YPO, and what is Energetic, Love, Making, and how does that differ from the sexual acts and activations that we're doing currently as a culture? 0 (2m 21s): So yeah, let's start with what we are sadly not tapping into and what's, what average sex in our society looks like, right? So first of all, let's start with the fact that it lasts 5.4 minutes. And since I know a lot of men are listening to this, there is also another research that say that that says that more than half of men ejaculate within less than two minutes of penetration. Okay? Wow. So the same way as really any other area of our life, it's fast, it's straight to the point. 0 (3m 4s): It's goal oriented. It's all about instant gratification. And what that does that it doesn't really allow us to fully drop in. It doesn't allow us to be fully present, and it doesn't really allow us to tap to the sexual energy that we all have access to. Because the thing with sexual energy is that it's subtle. And in order to start perceiving the subtle sensation, the subtle energy movement, we have to slow down. We have to give ourselves time to become more sensitive, to become more present, to become more relaxed. 0 (3m 49s): and we are not doing that. So because of lack of education around sexuality, although lack, and no lack, because we have education about sexuality, and it's called pornography, the only thing is it's not really intended to educate. It's intended to entertain. So what we learned from them there is not really serving us, right? But it is mainly done by men and for men, and it's again, done to entertain, right? So there needs to be a lot of action on the screen, a lot of doing, right? If people are gonna be eye gazing for an hour on the screen, it's probably not gonna get a lot of hits and likes. 0 (4m 34s): And also it has this Masculine qualities, which is again, doing action and goal-oriented, having an Orgasm, right? And we then bring those qualities to bad. And I like to describe what is happening in our society. It's a slam bomb, thank you, mom. Or we have a lot of one pump jumps, and within this five minutes, there's a lot of action, there's a lot of friction, there's a lot of humping, and there's also a lot of tension because we want that instant gratification. And the only way we know to Orgasm, it's this climatic, explosive, ejaculatory type of an Orgasm. 0 (5m 16s): And that requires, again, tension and pushing all the, that energy towards the genitals. So look what is happening first, some of the reasons that that sexual energy, because that tingling, that warmth, that Pleasure that you feel in your genitals, that's sexual energy, that's life force right? Now, when we go really, really fast, when we are tense, there is not enough time nor space for that sexual energy to really expand. There's also not enough time nor space to move this energy away from the genitals. 0 (6m 1s): So what we're mainly experiencing is localized genital Pleasure and those short climatic type of orgasms. And we are not tapping into our sexual energy. We are not cultivating it, we're not expanding it, we are not moving it, we are not exchanging it with the partner. We are mainly connecting, and is it really self Pleasure or sex with a partner? More into a physical aspect of it. But very few people really connect on an energy level and are able to tap into that subtle energy and start exchanging it. 0 (6m 45s): So in Energetic, Love, Making, as you can imagine, we do everything a little bit, exactly the opposite, right? We slow down, we tap into that energy, we expand it, and then we learn all the tools and we can actually either circulate that energy within ourselves or start exchanging it with the partner. And what I can tell you is that to me, this is the most powerful, hard blowing divine state that you can experience with a partner when that energy is exchanged and when you truly become one. And I like love what Margo calls it like, it's like a, it's sky dancing, she calls it sky dancing, and you know the different names for it. 0 (7m 34s): I called it Energetic, Love, Making, because this is how I got into it. And that's, I'm, I'm gonna stop here because I can talk for much longer, but let's see if that you think answers the questions. Oh, 2 (7m 47s): It does, it does. And there's so many places to go from there. So I guess the first one is when you are trying to get to this place of being present so that you can really experience that exchange of energy and you can feel your field getting bigger and you can be more in touch with your body and that rise of that energy instead of that tension, is there a good protocol for a beginner? Like do you recommend that women put down their vibrators? Do you recommend that men stop watching pornography? Like what is a good entry point for people to really get into touch with being instead of the doing this? 0 (8m 23s): Absolutely. So I like to say the following, probably most of your listeners either meditate or they practice yoga. At least they've been couple of times, right? In a yoga class. So let's pick it simple. Let's bring all those mindfulness practices that you might be doing in your meditation studio or yoga class, and let's bring it to bed as simple as that. And what are some of the elements? So let's imagine if you are going to a yoga class, what happens? First of all, you schedule it, you make sure you can attend this one hour or 90 minutes yoga class. 0 (9m 6s): You probably put the yoga class in your calendar. Can this, do you have your yoga class? 2 (9m 12s): I scheduled all of my workouts actually last night for the week. So do you feel like that takes away from that spontaneity or that Magic or that it's gonna make us feel like we're adding another thing to the to-do list? 0 (9m 26s): Oh my god, it's such a nonsense. I hear this over and over again and no, for me, this is the beauty and power of it that we learn to cultivate space for the sexual energy to rise. Instead of being just left to a chance and lack of, whoa, where is this gonna spontaneously just pop up? And then you are in a long-term relationship, 20 years in, and no one is having sex anymore because spontaneously the partners are not getting horny, both of them on Thursday at 10:00 PM So you're right, we taking things in our own hands. 0 (10m 9s): There is space for spontaneous, but there's also space for learning how to cultivate that energy, how to create a space where you can tap into this. And for me, this is part of that. And I'm just gonna say aside thing, in my couples course, I currently have over 30 couples and they are tell sharing with me over and over again that one of the biggest takeaways from this course is that they learned how to schedule time for intimacy and how to schedule time for sex. At the beginning of the course, they realized that they were not even allocating one hour of intentional time for a romantic relationship a week. 0 (10m 54s): And then they started to actually make space for it. And if it's important, put it in your damn calendar because let's be honest, life is busy. It's gonna pull you all directions. So prioritize it. And prioritizing means creating a space in your calendar for it. And at the beginning it might sound a little bit like another thing to do, but then with time you start to enjoy it so much that it's something you are looking forward to, that you are enjoying. You know, I have my yoga class on my calendar, it's not the chores, it's another thing to do. I'm look forward to this and I wanna make a space for that. So this would be the first thing I would say. 0 (11m 37s): And again, same principles are going to be applied if you are single or if you're in a relationship. So anyone who is listening doesn't matter. Your gender, doesn't matter your relationship status, you can apply those principles to all of those scenarios. So what else are we gonna do when we go to that yoga class? We are going to prepare ourselves, right? You are gonna bring your yoga clothes, you are gonna get ready prepared, right? Same here. What can we do to prepare ourselves? Maybe for some of you it's taking a bath. Maybe for some of you it's making sure kids are taken care of or you know, turning off your phone. 0 (12m 24s): Next thing, when you enter the yoga studio, there's a certain feel to it, right? You enter, there's specific music, there's usually a smell. It's just you are running around a busy, hectic city. The moment you enter the studio, it's like, ah, right? So what are the elements that create that special atmosphere? We are gonna activate all our senses. And is it sound? And I'm such a big fan of playlist because just for music, I can create so many different varieties of sexual experiences, smell, touch. 0 (13m 4s): Let's play with activating all the senses, because this is actually gonna help us to get out of our heads. I know it may sound a little cliche and all the things, but how many people share with me? I am so in my head when I am making love with a partner, I'm so in my head, I'm self pleasuring. So one of the ways to get out of your head and into the body is for speaking the language of the body, right? And what is the language of the body? Five senses. So let's activate that. So there please see beyond the obvious. There is much more to it than just, you know, creating cliche, romantic date scenario. 0 (13m 47s): This isn't the main reason I want you to take care of that. Okay? Then what? What happens next? In our yoga class, we usually set an intention, right? What is the intention of my practice today? Same here. What is the intention of your self Pleasure practice or connecting with your partner? And trust me, there can be so many different ones. Maybe it's reconnecting, maybe it's Healing, maybe it's exploring something new. Maybe it's allowing space for some challenging emotions that were happening throughout the day. Maybe it is more about self-love and embracing yourself, where wherever you at, right? 0 (14m 28s): Such a wide range of intentions. And then what follows? Usually there will be either a meditation or chanting or pranayama, right? To help us to quiet the might. Same here. Do whatever works for you. Bring some practices that you already know that work for you. Is it again, short breath work or movement? I love dancing, or shaking is a great easy way to help you to quiet the mind and really, really get into that more connected present space. And from there, something else that we do in that yoga class, we slow things down, don't we? 0 (15m 15s): So I want you to slow things down. So I want you to stimulate yourself, let's say five times slower than you normally do. And something that we also do in yoga, we don't go straight to the headstands, right? We warm up first. Let's not go straight to the genitals. Our whole body is erotic. Explore your whole body first. Women especially, start with a breast massage. This is your positive pole that you wanna activate. Gentlemen, play with your testicles. That's where a lot of your chi energy is. And really, really explore. 0 (15m 56s): Be curious. Do something different. Go out of that usual, same way of stimulating yourself and just be open and see what happens. Now, last two things, and I think, you know, this is just a nice analogy, right? That everyone will notice, yes, we practice all this in yoga studios or on retreats, but somehow we are not putting it into practice in our bedrooms. When are you go to a yoga class or you gonna beat yourself up if you don't do a headstand, or if you are not gonna reach a certain post? I've been practicing yoga for many, many years. I still am not good at headstands or headstands, but it's not about that. It's about how I feel after the yoga class. 0 (16m 38s): I feel present, I feel relaxed, right? I feel nourished. So it's not about getting to any certain point. If you don't have the energy Orgasm first time you try, that's okay. What I want you to do is observe how you actually feel after that session. And again, we are going to implement pranayama. So you're gonna kind of be Consciously breathing, breathe in through the nose, long deep breath and exhale. This is gonna be one difference. Unlike UJA breath in yoga where we have our mi mouth closed, I would love you to open your mouth on the exhale, relax your jaw, ah, and exhale again for your open mouth and bringing awareness to the sensation in the body rather than fantasizing, rather than watching porn, I want you to switch from mind to body. 0 (17m 31s): These are both very powerful sexual organs. Mind is a powerful sexual organ, but so is the body and mind gets, mind gets bored, mind is insatiable, let's try a different route and let's come try to come and let's try to cultivate arousal through activation of the body. So observing the sensations and breathing and sounding along the way. And if the Orgasm happens at the end, great, and if not, that's also okay. And yeah, how does that sound? 2 (18m 9s): I mean, that sounds magical. I wanna do that every day. Sounds fantastic. 0 (18m 15s): And you can ex, you can apply the same again for intimacy practices with your partner. Yeah, I like to give relatable examples and practical takeaways. So I think this, this will be very helpful. And you know, it's interesting because I have so many men coming to me. So you mentioned something important around vibrators and pornography. So nothing is inherently good or bad. So I am not here to forbid anything to anyone, but I'm here to bring awareness that there, there's a price we pay to everything, right? And when we women use vibrators, this is a really intense stimulation and it's gonna be challenging, you know, to expand the energy, to ride the wave and bend that slowness and stillness using vibrator, it's gonna take you to straight to the peak and you're gonna probably go straight to the genitals and there's a high intensity. 0 (19m 17s): So it will be really, really challenging to slowly, slowly observe when are you entering lower, medium, high level of arousal. And although research shows that in theory we are, we are not desensitizing our vagina, but we are kind of conditioning our nervous system, our brain to respond to a certain type of stimulation. And we kind of enforce that neuropath to an Orgasm through this particular way. And I have so many women sharing, oh, now I'm with a partner and we need a vibrator, otherwise I cannot come because you know, I, I got used to it in a way. And for men and for anyone else watching pornography, again, you are activating the mind, mind, genitals, connection. 0 (20m 4s): And usually the mind is insatiable. It's gonna need more and more. And yeah, let's, you know, it's probably another podcast on this topic, but what I'm gonna ask everyone is try something else. Try to put a pause on those things. And then after you practice those things for a while, you decide for yourself if you wanna go back or not. And maybe you've seen on my Instagram, I made a lot of clips, so many women sharing that after a 12 week course with me, they threw away the vibrators and they're loving the crystal ones. And there is much more slowness and awareness and sacredness to that practice. 0 (20m 46s): But again, I want everyone to make decision for themselves based on their experience and their own exploration rather than me telling them what to do. 2 (20m 56s): I love that. That's such an honest answer because I, I agree wholeheartedly that most things, they're not inherently good or bad, it's more in how you use it or, and like the dosage and your intention going into it a lot. And I think that you can Consciously do most things and you can unconsciously do most things. And it's which one do you do you decide to do? And that's something that a lot of your work focuses on is conscious sexuality versus what might be unconscious sexuality. And one question that I have to ask is Can, You, Consciously Have, Casual Sex. Because that does seem like a bit of an oxymoron. 0 (21m 32s): I know. And there was a whole discussion on my Instagram around it, and there is such, you know, polarized opinions on this. So let's start with the definition of Casual sex. So I pulled it from Wikipedia, Casual sex is sexual activity that takes place outside a romantic relationship and implies an absence of commitment, emotional attachment, et cetera. And then it goes on. Okay? So I want to say the following, let's, so let's start with the following that actually there more people are now not in a committed relationship. 0 (22m 16s): More people are single than in relationships. So there is a research done every year in the United States, and I believe it was, it's been done for more than 20 years. And for the first time in the history this year, number of adults that are single outnumber the number of people that are in relationships. So most people are single, so either they're gonna, so let's be honest, they're gonna have Casual sex or they're not gonna have sex at all and they're gonna watch porn. So I rather have people have Casual sex than watch porn. Now when are we gonna have Casual sex? How can we make it conscious? So I wanna give you an example, okay, I met beautiful men and we went on a date and we actually turned out he's also into conscious sexuality, he's also practicing tantra. 0 (23m 13s): And we then decided that we wanna explore with each other and we set beautiful container, there were boundaries, what we are open for, what we are not, what is the intention behind it? And it was really heartwarming and really honest and really, really intentional again. And then we had 12 hours of lovemaking and then we kind of, you know, there, there's no intention of being in a relationship. There's a huge age difference. We live on the other side of the world. So let's be honest for now, there is committed relationship is just not on on a table. 0 (23m 55s): But we decided we are gonna create a container for conscious Casual sex. And we had a beautiful closing after that. Then we are staying in touch. We may be gonna see each other again. But everything was really, really about respecting each other, about being honest, about being really worshiping each other in the moment and actually being love in the moment that we were together and honoring each other boundaries and really playing with our desires. And it was just really, really nourishing. And I felt glowing after that and I felt connected. 0 (24m 40s): So to me, sex outside a committed relationship doesn't automatically assume that there, there's no connection. We had a beautiful, strong connection. There's just no intent for committed relationship afterwards. And to me, this is an example of conscious Casual sex. And I felt nourished, I felt honored, I felt worshiped, I was glowing and so was him. And we just both said, wow, this was just so beautiful. And I have a feeling that most of the people who actually are in a long-term committed relationship don't have the quality of connection we had and the depth of sexual in, in, you know, encounter that we were able to create it in this Casual situation. 0 (25m 35s): How does this resonate with you? 2 (25m 38s): That's fascinating. So you can't, you just, you shouldn't automatically assume connection just because of a committed relationship is also a good takeaway. Abso, and it's, when you say out loud, you're like duh. 0 (25m 48s): Because everyone assumes that if we have Casual sex, there's no connection. That's not what I see in that Wikipedia definition. So this is what most people assume, and this is not the first time. I love to have conscious lovers and I love to go to conscious play parties where you set really, really powerful intentional container for the connection to happen even though there might not be a plan to date afterwards or maybe even not see each other afterwards, but that in that moment we are showing up really, really fully. We are fully present, we are honoring the other person. 2 (26m 32s): And it's just such a stark contrast to the perspective that a lot of people have when it comes to sexuality, which is the lens of Shame or like the kind of a puritanical take on it. So where, I mean I don't know if you know the answer, but where is that coming from? Like it almost seems inherent, but you kind of know it, it's not, so where is that Shame lingering from? And then I guess, do you have a protocol for people to kind of reassess that relationship with Shame? 0 (27m 2s): I mean we kind of know where it comes from, right? There is 5,000 years of paty and suppressing sexuality and what happens when you suppress something that is part of us, right? That is crucial for our wellbeing. It comes out on the opposite end as perverse. So we have those two extremes, right? And there is a pornography and et cetera, et cetera. So there are those two extremes. And when, because there's nothing in the middle because there is nothing conscious then when we talk about sexuality, most people associated with that pornographic image of it where it's often aggressive, where women are often not respected, where words may be vulgar and that can immediately bring up Shame. 0 (27m 59s): But also really this is such a deep topic because we, women have been told from the very young age, right, that we, if we are really fully tapped into our sexuality, we gonna, we are too much or we gonna put ourselves in danger or we gonna be sledge Shame or we gonna be excluded, et cetera, et cetera. So I think we are programmed around this from the very young age now Shame is, so first of all, there is a part of us that we wanna tune in into that Shame is usually a defense mechanism, right? Something that we took on where we were young when we got one of those messages that I just mentioned above. 0 (28m 42s): And this was our protection mechanism from not put getting ourselves into trouble and being slut Shame or being in danger, right? So you really, really wanna tune into where that lives within your body. You kind of wanna acknowledge the fact that that protection mechanism has been there for years trying to do its best to make sure you're not gonna get yourself in trouble. And really, really with, I kind of say appreciation and gratitude. Welcome it, welcome it with love, welcome it with compassion. 0 (29m 26s): So you can really, really integrate that. And then when that comes up, when that Shame comes up, just acknowledging that okay, it is there to protect me, but at this moment, how can I make myself feel safe? How can I tap into safety? How can I tap to the wisdom of the other parts of me, of the adult part of me so I can make an informed decision? And again, allowing that Shame to be integrated with love and compassion rather than rejecting it or suppressing it or hating it. 0 (30m 10s): So for love and compassion. 2 (30m 14s): Yeah, that's a, cuz I feel like that's, especially for women and especially for moms, it's almost like that's a part of you that you are supposed to exile. It's not supposed to exist anymore, especially once you have children. And to me I think that's bonkers. That doesn't make sense and that's an easy way for a marriage or a, a relationship to kind of go dead is to, is to exile your sensuality and your sexuality and it, it is a part of you, it's like it like you've said, a life force. And to somehow link that to Shame and then that's supposed to be the healthy model that's replicated makes no sense to me. Like, I don't know how come we've bought this wholesale and we look at people that have reclaimed their sexuality and reclaimed that life force is like they're the the problematic ones. 0 (31m 4s): Yeah, well you know, we can go into many explanations of that in a way if we are not fully tapping into that sexual energy and what really allows us to step into our full potential. We are being kept small, we are being disempowered and it's easier to tell us what to do, right? But I just wanna come back to Shame because I work predominantly with women and for with women from all over the world. And it is just so you know, eyeopening to see that women from all over the world coming to me thinking that their challenges are very unique are actually really, really the same. 0 (31m 57s): I have women contact me, me from Latin America every day, they grew up in a Catholic religion and they turn off light when having sex. Sex is bad. I work with women from Middle East, most of them actually never even had an Orgasm, right? Also another religious upbringing. I work with women let's say from the Americas where there's so much attention to the body and they feel insecure about their body and there's also Shame around the breasts not being the right size or the cellulite or this or that. So that Shame is so, so common and I, anyone who experienced that I, I just want you to know that you are absolutely not alone, but that there are ways of working with it and integrating it. 2 (32m 51s): No, I think that's beautiful because that, that is something I hear I, I have so many like friends and they're in their late twenties or early thirties and there's so much Shame around their body specifically and it's like how many times have you gotten naked and someone walked out zero, zero times. So like that is your own story that you're telling yourself. 0 (33m 10s): Sure. I mean I have to remember that that story sits in your Subconscious mind and your problem, my primal brain and that part of the mind doesn't really speak English. So it's not as easy as telling yourself, hey you're from today on I'm just not gonna experience any Shame and I'm gonna be just this unapologetic confident, fearless person. It doesn't work this way. We kind of have to tap into that Subconscious mind and it's more than affirmations to get there. Yeah. 2 (33m 45s): So how do you get into that space where you're Talking to the Subconscious instead of your obvious conscious mind and you're trying to tackle it through like a checklist or affirmations or looking in the mirror or whatever it is? 0 (33m 58s): Yeah. So there's a theory of a free part brain, right? And right now the affirmations, they are mainly in your cortex, right? The pro prefrontal part of the brain that speaks logic and speaks English and is the analytical mind and that's where we are connecting right now. Then there is the middle part of the brain which is called the limbic system and the language of this part of the brain is emotions. And then finally there's the primal brain and the language of this part of the brain is sensations in the body. And if you wanna experience a lasting transformation, you really wanna work on all those free levels. 0 (34m 38s): So if we are rewiring all those defense mechanisms that sit in our Subconscious mind, we wanna be working with the body. And I think this is what is so powerful and nowadays we don't just have like therapists that you go and sit and talk for hours or years, but more and more more holistic approach where we do all of that, yes we talk as well, but there is also access to the body and to the embodiment practices. And then there are many other elements like creating safety, like creating new neuropath that sex is safe, that sex and Orgasm is your birthright that you can be Orgasmic and successful. 0 (35m 29s): And actually a beautiful way to do it is through Pleasure practices because then we can associate those new beliefs with Pleasure and it's easier for the brain to create a new neuropath. 2 (35m 42s): So what is an example of a Pleasure practice? 0 (35m 46s): Pleasure practice? So a little bit what I described before, right? So for me again, and I am gonna talk about what I call high vibration masturbation, right? And it's that practice where you have an intention, where you create space where you really take time to explore your body when it's not just about free and it's friction to climax and just release and kind of sneeze and snooze. But there is really more to it. And what's so beautiful about it is that once you start moving that sexual energy and you're gonna move it away from the genitals and you're gonna move it upwards, all those unex, all those emotions that maybe were stacked, all those unexpressed feelings, they are gonna be moved through that energy. 0 (36m 42s): And is it that tension or is it that sadness or anger or resentment that you are holding onto that energy is so powerful that it's gonna really help you to release it. And to me again, sexual energy has such a powerful Healing modality to it and in this Pleasure practice and is it alone or is it with a partner? There might be tears, there might be huge emotional release and we are able to process all those emotions, right? Because emotions are energy in motion. So while once we start moving the energy, we are gonna be able to move all of them through us. 0 (37m 26s): So the Pleasure practice can have so many different qualities to it. Also depending where you at in life, in which season of life you are, you are in, what is a life for you that day, right? If you had a challenging day, if you know, I don't know, you had to fire 10 people at work and there is sadness or grief Pleasure practice can help you to move that through you. Or again, like we talked a little bit before, right? 0 (38m 6s): So there's so many different, there's actually endless variations. So what I'm, what I'm giving here is some tools so you can get started, but what I'm also asking and inviting the listeners to do is to also start following your intuition. Because what's gonna happen once you actually stop following the protocol, I like you use this word a lot. So I'm gonna, the protocol that we learned from pornography and a lot of stimulation going fast, having quick climatic release, but you're just gonna be less, you're gonna be less doing and more being, you're gonna be able to tap into this inner knowing and you're gonna just be able to intuitively start observing and following what does your body want in the moment? 0 (38m 59s): And what's so beautiful about it that every time it will be something else. One day it will be more of a soothing Pleasure practice. Another day it will be more of exploratory Pleasure practice. Another day it will be more of a wild and primal self Pleasure practice, right? And it can be different every time and that's what makes it so exciting as well. 2 (39m 26s): So the connection between Healing and sexuality and Orgasm and Pleasure is really fascinating to me. And I've heard some people use kink for example, for ways to kind of re-script certain sexual traumas and I saw one of your posts that was saying that you've kind of had this perspective change when it comes to kink. And I thought that was so interesting cuz I went through something really similar as well where I was really judgmental about it and I thought very, I thought people that had to do that were broken or that they were desensitized or that they like something in them was confusing pain and pain is inherently wrong and just like a lot of of probably stereotypical judgements. 2 (40m 14s): And then I started learning more and hearing from people from the community and started becoming very fascinated with it. So I'm curious about your evolution with that, with with 0 (40m 24s): Kink. So let's call it a bit of broader spectrum, which is B D S M and and what I would say is the following, well while I started exploring first thing, first first step on this exploration was that Energetic, Love Making because I had that first energy Orgasm and this was new and I was just, okay, there is so much more to sexuality than I thought there is. And naturally because of my experience, I first went into exploring the Energetic sex. But later on once I started exploring, I was like okay, there is more to that and similar to you. 0 (41m 7s): And I think most of the people will really have those judgements around king because there is not that many conscious containers when it comes to exploring it. And if you look at pornography, it usually is quite aggressive and it's not really inviting and usually you don't see people having any consent conversation there and, and it's just taken out of context and yeah, to me it's just not portrayed in the most favorable way. So we have that limited view on what B D S M can be. Now I was lucky to have one of my lovers who was a little kinky but sensual at the same time. 0 (41m 54s): And then I was like, okay, that actually is a beautiful power full combination and I am enjoying it. I wanna learn more. And I went to a phenomenal retreat of tantra meets B D S M with Omar Ru pani and Lori handler and my mind was blown away. And going into this retreat I was, why did I decide to go? Because I realized that I haven't really tried BDSM in a conscious container. So how can I be judging, how can I be discarding it if I have never tried? I'm not that person. I try everything at least once and there is so much depth to it, there's so much variety. 0 (42m 34s): There is such a powerful conscious conversation about consent boundaries and I think, you know, BDSM people are probably the best in having those conversations and the communication skills are really, really something that is such an important part of that. And the Healing modality of that was really, really mind blowing to me. And actually on that retreat it was probably 80% Healing and 20% play. So once again, if you put the right intention and if you set a conscious container, there is so much power into that. And I found my own way. 0 (43m 14s): So we have different erotic blueprints, right? And I am clearly Energetic and I am also sensual. And what I discovered it that the kinky blueprint can be easily molded with any other blueprint. So I can do kinky Energetic or I can do kinky sensual. And this is where I really find my most Pleasure because again, there is psychological kink, there is physical and it's not always about high impact. And slapping it can be anything, you know, from commands or teasing or creating anticipation. And I found a lot of things that were really, really resonating with me. 0 (43m 58s): Some were not at all. But again I discovered there's so much more depth and variety to it that I think there is something for everyone. And it's funny because in my couples course I leave that at the very end and most couples think they're not kinky and then they start with sensual and then we go into Energetic and they start to have all the energy orgasms, et cetera, and they're like, we're probably not kinky. And towards the end, while I bring it in a very elegant and sophisticated way, because this is my style I like, I like things elegant, sophisticated, there's beauty to it actually everyone is positively surprised that they were enjoying it much more than they anticipated. 2 (44m 44s): I'm have to check that out. 0 (44m 45s): I wanna explore more this sensual dom in me. This is what, what I'm gonna go into next year 2 (44m 51s): Explore. Yeah, that sounds really fun. 0 (44m 54s): And I actually think that this is one of the things that is missing so much and that so many women especially are yearning for it. So there is this energy of you know, the dumb which is really directional, present confident and combining it with a sensual stimulation. Mm I can tell you juicy. Juicy. And 2 (45m 21s): Is that, so I'm curious. So we have a lot of women that I feel are, we're operating from the Masculine a lot, right? We're doing climbing, conquering, building empires. We're try like there was that big movement of like I don't need a man. And a lot, I think a lot are trying to come online to embracing their femininity, their softness, their surrender, allowing trust within a container so that there is that polarity that can exist. Do you feel that if someone who is constantly kind of in their Masculine that that's a way to baby be more intentional about when you choose to be in your Masculine or when you choose to be in your feminine? 0 (46m 4s): I actually think that B DSM and taking on the role of submissive and dominant are very helpful because they're very similar to feminine and Masculine in a way. But there are non absolute. So this is what I saw happening in the retreat. We kind of, because of the me too movement and you know kind of as you said women, it can get risky with the feminine and Masculine, but women not being able to relax and surrender so much and just taking the role of you know, caretakers, organizers, et cetera, et cetera are in the dominant role and it's not so easy for them to surrender. 0 (46m 50s): And then often for men these days it's also not so easy to get into the dorm space. We've seen it very, very clearly in the retreat cause there's almost like a fear and often we are also not allowing this. So working on those roles, I found it really, really helpful to play with the polarity and with that complete surrender, creating that safe space and allowing me to totally surrender. In one of the scenes, I literally went into a trance state that lasted for I think two hours when I opened my eyes. 0 (47m 31s): There was actually no one even around anymore in the class because I finally was able to completely let go. And it was with a stranger, there wasn't even a sexual per se interaction, but he had a really powerful dumb energy and his presence and his confidence and how he was embodied and it really, really allowed me to fully surrender. So I think it can be a really helpful, I you, you use the word protocol for structure, structure for people to explore polarities. 2 (48m 11s): Are there good books or courses or how do you get started? Cuz you don't wanna read 50 shades of gray and be like, this is what we're doing because I feel like that's not an accurate roadmap either blueprint. Like where can you find the like conscious B DSM or conscious kink and how to get started. Especially if you're in a couple and both of you are interested and you're like, well neither of us has any experience. So where do we get started to where we can explore this in a safe container? 0 (48m 38s): Again, I am relatively new to the this world and I dunno all the available details that exist, but there is a book called Ultimate Guide to King B D S M role play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Tamino, which is a great one to start with. And I kind of like, I also like the book Orban Tantra because it really covers everything and there is tantra but there's also a little bit of kink and b DSM by barbar res. 0 (49m 18s): So I would say those two book are great ways to start. 2 (49m 22s): Oh wonderful. Thank you so much. And I think it's great that you're like you're entering the space and you're new to it and not a professional because that's gonna be a lot of people that are curious. So I feel like sometimes there's that that expert's dilemma where you have someone that is so in that space that they can't understand necessarily what it's like to be new anymore. Yeah. So it's not as relatable. So yeah, I think that's actually one of your superpowers in, in that regard. 0 (49m 46s): Amazing. Thank you. You're 2 (49m 48s): Very welcome. And I cannot let you go before we talk about Sex Magic because that is something that is like super fascinating to me. I had Emily in town and she, she calls hers Pleasure prayer and it's just fascinating to me. And you mentioned Joe Dispenza and I see a lot of crossover with that. But before you get into it, I wanna start with a quote that you had posted, which I feel is so appropriate and it's by Ronald Doll and it says, those who do not believe in Magic will never find it. So before anyone approaches this with judgment, it's like approach it with curiosity instead because I totally agree. If you are so convinced that you're not gonna find something, you absolutely won't. 2 (50m 28s): So I believe in it, I think it's fantastic. And I would love to know a little bit more, more about how you approach Sex Magic. 0 (50m 35s): Yeah, so again, I'm not gonna own something, I did not invent it. It's been actually, there've been traces of it for different cultures for quite a long time. But there are some people that are really important to mention, like Margo who was one of the people who pined that term and she has a huge book Bible, the the Art of Sex Magic, I believe it's called. And then many other people, I also learned a lot from Layla Martin with whom I did my teacher training. And again, it's nice to see that it's becoming more and more popular because this powerful sexual energy can be utilized with an intention, right? 0 (51m 19s): So there are few things happening when we are in those Orgasmic states. We are really in higher states of consciousness. I love, there's a book by Osho from Sex to Superconsciousness. We are in those powerful states and there are also high frequency states, right? If you look at any manifestation protocols, heat, et cetera, et cetera, they always also recommend that we use high frequency emotions like love, gratitude, joy, Orgasmic, blesses definitely up there in part and high frequency state. 0 (51m 59s): So when we tap into those high frequency states, some can say that we kind of connect to the frequency of the universe and the Creator. And that's where we can really powerfully kind of call in what we want. And there are also some other explanations. So when we move that sexual energy, because the whole point is that we move the sexual energy from the roots chakra, from our genitals all the way up and to our crown chakra. And then the moment that we orgasm, we shoot that vision through the universe and then bring that energy back. So moving the energy through all our energy centers will kind of activate our entire nervous system, all parts of the brain. 0 (52m 42s): So it really lights up our, our whole being to be on board with that vision. So it is much more powerful than just having those affirmations stated with your cortex, right? And what it also does, and I love, yeah, Emily calls it Pleasure as prayer. And this is another beautiful way to describe it. So what I love about it, and again you can be skeptical, but this is also part of my signature Mentorship for women and what women have manifested through this practice is everything from jobs exactly the way they want it without even applying. 0 (53m 32s): They would literally meet someone the next day on the street who just casually mentioned there's this opportunity, new houses, two partners, pay rise. The list is just endless. And again, I am gonna invite everyone, don't take blindly what we are sharing that, but apply it in your own practice and see what works for you, what resonates for you. 2 (54m 1s): Yeah. Cause now, I mean, 0 (54m 3s): Again, you need to be open, right? You need to believe at least in the possibility of it for this to work. But it's like with everything else in life, right? 2 (54m 12s): No, I totally agree. And it's what is the worst that's gonna happen is that you have an Orgasm and you know your wish doesn't come true possibly, but just try it out, see if it works. Cuz I know so many people that have done it, some people will journal after, some people will kind of lay there in like in Shavasana and try to see if any creative downloads come to them. So there's all these different methodologies that you could do or just be or just go about your day, but there's zero harm, right? So absolutely the worst is that nothing happens and the best is that everything happens. Yeah. 0 (54m 45s): And combine it with all these tips that I gave in the first part of the podcast, right? Imagining that Pleasure practice is your yoga practice where there's an intention where you're taking time, where you're going slow, et cetera, et cetera, and bring that additional element to it. 2 (55m 1s): No, I think that makes so much sense. Then when you, when you think about walking into that yoga room, it does have an immediate effect on you calm down and you're like, okay, this is the setting, this is now how I'm gonna behave. So it makes sense that if you set your space up intentionally for sexuality or for sensuality, that you'll be able to drop into that. Yeah. And not be so in your head about everything. And I guess with that one last thing with your blueprint and when you have people that apply for your course, do you have anyone that's ever like, I'm, I'm asexual, I think there's something wrong with me and like I have zero sex drive or zero sex life force. It's just not there. 0 (55m 37s): There are, yes, there are, especially, you know, there's a lot of women who are either overworked or they have been in the sexless marriage or the sex in the long term relationship was so bad that they kind of slowly, slowly shut down. Or they just, the sex that they're experiencing is not nourishing to them. So they slowly, slowly lose interest and come up with all kind of conscious or Subconscious excuses like, oh, I am not in the mood, I don't have drive. 0 (56m 17s): Because what is offered is not really exciting, right? So yes, absolutely. And I worked, let's say with couples that didn't have sex for 12 years, 10 years, eight years, five years. But again, it's usually not because they're a sexual, but because they don't have the tools, they don't have the education around sexuality, they don't know how to create safe space, they don't know how the anatomy of arousal works and so on and so on. So we were able to bring that back, bring that light and fire, and get the energy going and moving and being excited about that. 2 (57m 7s): Beautiful. I was hoping that was gonna be the answer. Cause I feel like a lot of the times it is just like a, there's something missing and the nourishment makes a lot of sense. Or that you're, you're expenditure of energy is so much outside that you're not able to bring it up when you need to in in those spaces. So yeah, before you go, do you wanna tell everyone where they can follow you, where they can sign up for your course, any projects you're working on? And I mean this was amazing. Thank you so very much 0 (57m 37s): My Pleasure. Yes, you can always, I, I come from Poland, I had a very difficult name so it changed into a nickname and therefore my hand on Instagram is a little funky, but it makes it easier for people to find me. And it's Planet b i b i. So b i B i is my nickname Bibi and Instagram is my main social media channel. But you can also find me on my website, which is Energetic Lovemaking dot com. And I have mentorships for women. My signature one is called Ladder to Bliss, it's 12 weeks long. These are live containers for couples also 12 weeks long. 0 (58m 18s): It's ecstatic lovers. And there are some other smaller courses. I also work one-on-one with some people in limited capacity. And I also sometimes travel the world for different events and workshops. And you can find that on my Instagram. And yeah, I just invite everyone to open up to the idea that learning about sexuality online is can be really, really powerful. I know a lot of times it's like, yeah, but I would rather have in person. Yes, there are certain advantages of doing things in person, but there are also certain advantages of doing it in the comfort and safety of your own bedroom. Especially if you experience Shame, if something like Live Deep container can feel like it's too much online can be a beautiful place to start. 0 (59m 11s): And what I also love about it, that they have people for a longer period of time so we can really create new habits, new behaviors, and change in the brain because that requires at least 40 days. So 2 (59m 24s): Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Well thank you so much again and I hope you have wonderful travels and hopefully we can stay in touch. 0 (59m 33s): Yes, thank you so much. And please let me know how the practice go and report back to me. 2 (59m 41s): Absolutely. 0 (59m 42s): And one last thing I wanna say, there's actually a lot of free practices on my website and on my link in Bio and Instagram as well guys. So no excuses download or Erotic Glow. So connector for couples, press, play and follow along. 2 (59m 60s): Oh, and that Glow works for sure. The Glow. The Glow Works. 0 (1h 0m 3s): Erotic Glow Works. Yes. Yes. Amazing. Thank you so much. 2 (1h 0m 8s): And that's it for this week's episode of Chatting with Candace. If you liked the episode or know someone that would please share it with a friend or two. And I will. I'll see you next week. Bye everybody.