#99 Alison Armstrong - The Queen's Code - Stop Emasculating Men

0 (0s): Listening to the Queen's Code, men can find out what is causing women to emasculate men and understand it, even see it while it's happening and not fold to it. And men get to find out how honorable their motivations are, how much sense their motivations make. And so both of these can add up to men becoming impervious to being emasculated, which is possible to just not let it in. 2 (38s): Hello everybody. You are listening to Chatting with Candace. I'm your host, Candice Horbacz. This week we have a guest that I am thrilled to have on. We have Alison Armstrong. She is the author of The Queen's Code, a book that I cannot recommend enough for men and women. It is extremely beneficial. It will change your life. And that is not an over-exaggeration. It has changed my marriage. It has changed the way that I see and interface with the world, especially with men, especially old storylines that I used to have that I didn't even realize were operating. And it is, it is such a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful book. 2 (1m 18s): Alison Armstrong is the c e o and co-founder of Pax Programs Incorporated. She's the designer of a widely acclaimed program called Celebrating Men and Satisfying Women. So I will link all of her resources below. Before we hop into this conversation, I wanted to do some quick shout outs, some big thank yous to everyone that has bought some cups of coffee on Buy me a Coffee. Oh, thank you so much for Paul Frederick, to Dale, to Paul again, to Roger, to Paul again, to Peter and to Paul. Again, the, I should be caught up. That is all of the donations for the last couple of weeks. 2 (1m 58s): Thank you very much. If you wanna contribute to the podcast, you can go to Chatting with candace.com and click that link that says, buy me a coffee. Or you can sign up for the Patreon account where you will get early access to episodes, little sneak peeks at up and coming guests, and then the potential to ask questions that will be show up in the interview. So without further ado, please help me welcome Alison Armstrong Alison. Thank you so very much for being here. Your book, The Queen code fell into my lap. One of my best friends just gave it to me. I was on this, I kind of like explore topics pretty deeply and then move on. And a lot of it's for the podcast or just self-interest. 2 (2m 39s): And she's like, I really think you would love this book. And I feel like I got it 15 years too late. And what a difference it would've made if I was a young woman that had all of this material. So I feel like I am not overstating this, but your work like changed my life and changed my marriage. So thank you so very much. 0 (2m 58s): Hmm, you're welcome. And, and good job because you had to do all the changing. 2 (3m 4s): It's, I know 0 (3m 6s): I didn't do that part for you, so 2 (3m 8s): No, but it's, I guess information gets presented to you when you're ready to receive it. And then some of it, it's like you can feel almost you pressing on certain wounds. And then I can decide to be honest with myself and evaluate how I would like to transmute those and kind of elevate myself and my conscious AwarenessOn my relationships. Or I can deny them entirely and continue on the path that I've been on for, you know, 30 plus years 0 (3m 38s): Or just kind of go, okay, soon it'll be your turn soon. But right now we're not getting into that right now. Yeah, that, that's great. It took me 15 years to learn what I needed to learn for The Queen code. So I'm sorry that that probably affected your, your 15 years. 'cause we didn't publish it until 2012 and I started studying men in 1991. By 1995, I knew I didn't know enough to be able to write the book. And so we started our workshops so our students could teach me what I needed to know. And I didn't know it was gonna take 15 years before I could start writing it, but, 2 (4m 22s): And I'm sure there's always more to learn. 0 (4m 25s): Oh my gosh, I haven't, I haven't stopped. Well, and I haven't even slowed when my husband died four years ago. And I, it was unexpected. And I, my first reaction was like, I don't ever wanna be in a romantic relationship again. 'cause I'm not gonna settle for less than partnership and I know how much work that takes. So maybe I'll just have a lover that's just a lover once a month for 24 hours that ought to do it. And then when I met, I met somebody special and I realized, oh, this could be worth it. 0 (5m 8s): And then that didn't turn out. So I went back to, I just wanna love her. And then I met Dan three years ago and like, okay, this is worth it. It it, this, he's worth, he's worth it. He, he's worth what it takes to do this. And my students love it 'cause they're me being suddenly single had I, I literally had to relearn everything that I'd learned about men since 1991 because the application was so different than in an almost 30 year relationship. Do you know, even though I, I met Greg a couple weeks after I stopped Emasculating Men. So he was my prime lab rat for 27 years. 0 (5m 53s): But yeah, anyhow, a lot to play too. So happy to talk about that as well. 2 (6m 0s): For sure. I, I wanna start with this concept of Emasculating Men. And even in the book it gets as graphic as saying castrating men, like the, like Right. The extremity of that. Yeah. And I had a couple girlfriends visiting and I was, it was while I was reading this book, and the one went to pick it up and she historically is not the fondest of men. And I was like, that's not a book for you. And she's like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, if you're going to read it, you have to make this commitment to Stop Emasculating Men. And she's like, I don't do that. And I said, listen, I'm only a few chapters in. And I realized that I do it. 2 (6m 42s): If I'm doing it, you absolutely are doing it. So yes, you can read it, but like, don't go past chapter three unless you are going to make this commitment. And she's like, oh, well, we'll see. And she's reading it. I can just see like these kind of like aha moments happening as she's reading and she's like, wait, I do do this. So for our listeners, can you kind of describe what that looks like, what that feels like, how we might be doing it without Realizing it? 0 (7m 8s): Yes, I can. And if, if, if we were gonna group, what I had to learn in those 15 years was one that would be what causes us to have the impulse or even a, even a drive, even a campaign to diminish men, to weaken them, to take their power, to take the wind out of their sails, to stop them in their tracks. So what, what causes that? Right? And if you, if we were gonna put it, just categorize it, you could say fear and frustration. 0 (7m 51s): So frustration that we can't get what we need from them. Fear of how big and strong they are and how easily we're overpowered and how much we're affected by them. None of which they really understand very well. So some, some combination of fear and frustration will cause us to diminish men. And even when we don't know, it diminishes them. Like we try to change men's behavior by criticizing them. And we usually in some form of why do you do that? Or, you know, why didn't you do that? Right? So it's this critical edge calling them to account. 0 (8m 34s): And we, we do that because we don't know how to change men. So we try to change them the way you would change a woman, if you said something like that to a woman, she'd be all over it. She couldn't help it 'cause of the way that we're put together. So what has us do it? And then, and then all the ways that we do it, all the ways that we diminish men. And one of the most important discoveries actually came because of someone I was leading a private workshop for. We were, the whole group was giving up the right to emasculate men forever. And she was on stage with me and she goes, well, should we give up the right to emasculate women and should we give up the right to emasculate ourselves? 0 (9m 22s): And I had never thought of it. And, and how can I bring it up now is because all the ways we diminish men, we also diminish women and we diminish ourselves. Like huge way that we take power away or just, it's like, don't ever give them any power is we withhold, we withhold appreciation, we withhold admiration. 'cause they're not perfect. You have a lot of improvement to do before I'm gonna value. Right? So appreciation, admiration, even accountability. We don't realize we will ask them to help us, but we don't, we don't want them to be in charge 'cause we don't trust them to do it. 0 (10m 6s): Right. And we don't know how much it matters to them to be counted on and what it means to them and how many things they strive to be counted on before. Right. And, and then the last thing, and this showed up really early on, I'd been studying men for six months when a woman I knew her name is Ellen Hurst, probably the only person that could have cut through. Right? Like, I'm thinking about how you were talking to your friend. I'm like, dang, you're a good friend. You were really cool about that. But she called me on the phone and said, we need to talk. 0 (10m 46s): She said, men are attracted to you like, like bees to honey, but when you're done with them, it's as if they've been with a vampire. Wow. She said that. And I like wellow me. And I'd been, I'd been learning a lot in those six months and I didn't realize I had been using it to be an even better manipulator of men. Whoa. And therefore more able to diminish them. And she witnessed it because I was engaged to a friend of hers and had called it off huge drama. Right. And, but when she asked me, she pointed out all the ways she'd seen me castrate men. 0 (11m 28s): And she used that word, and as she was pointing it out, I was like, oh yeah, that was a good one. Oh, that one. Oh yeah. Very effective. And then, because I didn't know she was gonna say, okay, I want you to cut it out. And my reaction was like, Kimberly's in the Queen's code. Well then how will I protect myself? So there are women who justify, which is the third category. So what causes us to do it? How do we do it? And then how do we justify doing it? And that was one of the things that I discovered immediately after giving up Emasculating Men myself, because I couldn't tolerate being around women who were doing it. 0 (12m 13s): Like, once I saw the, the effect, I couldn't stand it anymore. And so I started engaging with them individually about not doing it. And that's when I started to hear the justifications, like there was mine. Well, how will I protect myself? They're bigger and stronger and they'll hurt me. My best friend who started our company with me in 1995, hers was, they have too much power and they, you they abuse it. And that was her justification for taking power. My mother's justification was, they're stupid. They're so stupid. Like, really. 0 (12m 52s): And so there's, there are a lot of ways that we justify that these people deserve to be diminished. And for all the men who are listening, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for that. Because what I had to learn myself and then keep studying and teaching and still do, is that most of how we justify our right, we really consider that we have the right to diminish men. Most of how we justify it is based upon our perception of what they're doing, our and our interpretation of their motivations and intentions in doing it. 0 (13m 40s): So motivations being where they come from, intentions, what they're trying to get to. And we interpret them through a filter, as you know, of what it would mean if a woman did that. And not only any woman, but what would it mean if the perfect woman did that, an idealized owner. Right? And so all this curiosity that showed up, right? I didn't mean to study men for more than 30 years. I thought it would take two or three months to learn everything I needed to know. I just wanted to know how was I bringing out the worst in them and hoping I learned a little about how to bring out the best. 0 (14m 20s): But as I, the more I learned about them, the more I just, I've been fascinated for more than three decades. They're, I, I still think, who are these people? They, they have such a different way of seeing the world and their roles, their, their duties, their obligations, what's great, their definition of great, what that means. I mean, it's just, it's so different than as women, how we judge and what we hold ourselves to account for. And, and so that's how I've seen all those mis all the misinterpretations and ages and ages ago I wrote an article called, called Never Be Ignored by a Man Again. 0 (15m 12s): And, and as you read the article and learn about single focus, women were finding out they've actually never been ignored, ever, unless that's all a man was doing was actively ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her. Right? But because they don't understand testosterone and the effects on the brain and the committed state of mind that most men have, and that the single focus is soon as they commit it screens out everything irrelevant. They were never ignoring us. Their, their brain did it for them. 0 (15m 54s): Yeah. So they could produce the result they're committed to. And it's been a lot like that, you know, doing sort of like your friend, right? Which I just love that story. Thank you so much for telling to me. You're welcome. Yeah. It's just wonderful one that you would give her a heads up and that you didn't pull your punches. Right. A lot of times you're gonna try to soften something so that you don't make, don't upset anybody, but that you gave her the straight, do you know if I do it, you do it. And don't go past chapter three if you're not willing to give it up and thank you. And I just, oh my gosh, it's so perfect. 0 (16m 36s): But so oftentimes what I do now, before, in the beginning, it was all just sunshine and unicorns, all the good news. And, but then there were so many women who were just pissed at men and righteous about it. And they didn't wanna have anything to do with Alison Armstrong. And so I, but I was ready for them. I'd been like in training, I could, I could wrestle the alligator, right? I didn't just have to have the people who are open. Right. I didn't, they didn't have to be open anymore. So I did things like, like on our website, you can listen to something called Why you can't Trust Men to tell the truth. 0 (17m 16s): It's actually, it's actually a video. And when I, when I came out with this event, why you can't trust me to tell the truth, my graduate's like, Allison, what happened to you? Right. But it's like never be ignored again. It has a, it has a flip in it, it has a twist in it, and something we don't sell, which we probably should called using anger to get what you need. And so it attracted all these women who either wish they could use anger to get what they need, or were using anger to get what they need. And what's the bottom line? It doesn't work. No. And it has very long term effects that we don't want. 0 (17m 57s): So, oh man, it's been such a journey. 2 (18m 1s): So I wanted to get into single focus versus kind of, I forget how you label it, but like, just like Diffused focus or scattered focus, 0 (18m 11s): Diffused awareness. 2 (18m 12s): Diffused awareness. There is 0 (18m 13s): No focus. 2 (18m 15s): Oh, my, my husband has a d d and then he's also a man. So it's kind of like a double whammy when it comes to how, like his direction, his single focus, his determinism. For a long time I would just get enraged. And again, anger doesn't work, right? It's the quickest way for him to disconnect and actually go more inward. And then I feel more ignored. And then this cycle perpetuates. And then when I got done with your book and I understood that we just literally, we see things differently, like the whole sock on the floor and it's screaming at me and he just steps over it. I would take it as a personal insult, but he's already doing something else and that has nothing to do with his mission. 2 (18m 57s): And then add the a, d d, it's this whole other thing. Or if he's on his phone and I come in and I interrupt him and I expect he dropped the phone and immediately engage with me, and that would be a thing. And then after this book, I'm like, ah, it all makes so much sense. Like, I can choose to wait till he's done with his task and then approach it when he's available, and then I have his full undivided attention. But if I go in when he's already in the middle of something, well, he's already committed to that thing. Yeah. And he's committed and he's determined, and he's not going to like stray that focus for me, I'm now the interruption. And then that's just an easy way to get rid of what is like a normal friction point within the relationship. 2 (19m 37s): So there's like all these little tools that you can have and understanding that the male brain just, it functions differently. And in, in hindsight, like, duh, I'm, this whole time I've been mad at my husband for not being a perfect woman. Of 0 (19m 49s): Course. Yes, 2 (19m 52s): Of course. 0 (19m 52s): Yes. And if he really loved you, he'd try harder to act like a perfect woman, wouldn't he? Well, if so, do you want me to unpack that a little bit? 2 (20m 4s): Yeah, please. 0 (20m 6s): Okay. So couple ways to think about it that aren't in The Queen code, because I, you know, I've kept studying and kept developing and kept changed the way I articulate things so that people who didn't relate to the previous way, maybe they can relate to this. So one thing is, if you think of it as a, as a a spectrum, right? And, and on one end of the spectrum is we would call single focus, and you could call it absolute single focus if you wanted to. But it, or extreme single focus is called autism. And I read an article about a woman who specializes in getting jobs for autistic people and, and what the challenges are, what they need in a job. 0 (20m 57s): And she advocated that every TSA scanner, luggage, scanner should be operated by someone with autism because they're, they're never gonna break their focus. They're never gonna miss anything. Oh, wow. Yeah. So, so we have extreme focus on one end, and then we have extreme diffuse awareness on the other end. And, and that is estrogen causes that in the brain. And if you think about it, it's as necessary for survival. The, the ability for a hunter to track something down and kill it and drag it home no matter what. 0 (21m 38s): And the ability of a gatherer to go into a meadow and be able to just scan, just not have to look at each and everything. Like my son explained, you know, he said, mom, my finder's broken. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I can't find things the way you do. I said, well, how do you go about finding things? And he goes, well, like if I think it's in my room first I look on the bed and then I look on the floor, and then I look on the shelf and not on the bed, not on that part of the floor, not on that part of the right, not on the shelf. Right. 0 (22m 19s): We'd diffuse awareness, we would just go like, we just scan, it's not here. Right. Or it would pop out. Well, that's perfect for a meadow when you've gotta be able to efficiently identify edible, medicinal, poisonous, useful. I could make something out of that. Right? You gotta be able to do that very quickly, or you waste a lot of time and energy, right? Mm. Just as if you're out hunting deer and you get distracted by a, a rabbit, don't get distracted by a rabbit. Stay on the deer. So, so you could think of it like that, like hunting and gathering. You can think of it focused and, and no focus, which creates this whole other AwarenessOn ability to stay connected, for example. 0 (23m 6s): And the way that we were so empathic, and we don't really own it. Like we will pick up on the mental, physical, emotional, energetic states of anybody in our environment. And sometimes they don't even have to be in our environment. Right? So you can think about it hunting and gathering. You can also think about it, and I speak about it this way because So many women are in hunting mode for so much of their time, for all kinds of good reasons. I think of it as a committed state of mind versus an open state of mind. So what's interesting is when men are committed, get or done kind of state of mind, it causes us to admire them to be sexually attracted to them, to like these strengths, right? 0 (23m 56s): Like men at work, it's hot, right? But a man in an open state of mind is when we're gonna fall in love with them. Wow. It's when, when, yeah. It's when his lack of a result to produce hasn't be available to connect, hasn't be available to see us. Right. And we need to be seen and even Wow. Yeah. And even to share things about himself that he would never tell fellow hunters. Right. Like that it loses respect. Right. Where instead in this way, it's creating connection and affinity. So I would imagine in you describing your husband that he, he, he can go to both places and Yeah. 0 (24m 47s): And what's tricky is being able to tell how is he now? And my boyfriend Dan, is similar to how you were describing your husband, but not like a d d he's, he's had, he doesn't even know many concussions he had by the time he was 20 years old playing hockey since he was four. Right. And he had to like, he pays so much attention to making his brain work and to like, he wanted to be better at remembering things. He's better than normal people. He works. I said, do you know you overshot that? 0 (25m 29s): But, but what'll happen is that he'll, like, he, you know, I'm saying how you, how's your day going? Right? And you'll say, oh, I saw Susie so-and-so at the hardware store. And then it is like in his brain, a file opens up. Susie grew up in Connecticut and then she married Dan who was from Florida. And there's like, and it'll be the entire file file. And if I interrupt the entire file, he Right. He, he gets thrown and like, so have to be really gentle about, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'd love to know more about Susie and her entire family and where all her children went to college later, because he knows all of this. 0 (26m 14s): And he'll apologize if he doesn't remember where your kid went to college. I mean, it's stunning. Wow. But yeah, but he, but he'll get hooked by something. Right? And then the, you know, he's open and connected to me and now he's focused on this. And so I just had to learn, learn to wait or, and be interested and curious. He loves that. I'll listen to this. Or I'm sorry, I can't hear that part right now. I need the answer to this question 'cause it's happening in 60 seconds. Oh no, I don't wanna do that. Yeah, I'll do that. Yeah. Right. So it, I love that you represent that because there's so much to learn and then there's training ourselves to be able to tell. 0 (27m 1s): And it's the same thing for men. Like our, we have an Understanding Women course on Audible that was produced in 2008. We have an Understanding Women course online as part of our online curriculum that came from revamping the whole course in 2013 because the previous one just represented women in gathering mode, which meant that what I was teaching only works part of the time. And the understanding women online talks about, right, if she's hunting, this is what support is like for her, if she's gathering support's completely different. 0 (27m 43s): Right. And this is how she uses language. If she's in a hunting state of mind, this is how she'll use language in a gathering state of mind. This is how to support her in having enough sex. If she's hunting, do this. If she's gathering, do this. And then, and then ultimately, this is how you can tell which mode she's in. Mm. If she walks, oh my, yeah. Like you can tell by how a woman is walking if she's walking, oh, wow. Yeah. If she's walking on a straight line, right. And all her energy is going forward, she's hunting something, she's in a committed state of mind. She's getting somewhere. 0 (28m 24s): Get out of the way or get behind her. But don't step into that. Right. Whereas if she's in an open, I use awareness state of mind, the first thing that'll show up is her hips will start to move her, her body. And like it's inefficient. We'd literally move in a way that's inefficient and you know, oh, pick this up, grab one of those. Oh, I should put that back in the bed. Like, and we'll go out of our way. We'll meander, right? And we'll end up over here and over there. And or if you walk into a room and she doesn't look up, she's focused. Don, if you're gonna rep her, apologize, I'm sorry. 0 (29m 5s): If she looks up and says, where's the milk? She's focused? If she looks up and goes, oh hi. He, she's in a digest state of mind, right? She's in an open state of mind. So there's all these signs. We have to learn all these signs for the mental state, or we can get really good on the other side of it. Just saying. So just telling, I'm gonna be focused for the next four hours. Is there anything you need before I go under, I won't be available to support you. And I'm sorry for that, honey, but I, yeah, 2 (29m 41s): My husband does that. He's really good at that. Oh, yay. So he would block out time where he's dedicated to the office or phone calls or whatever project he's working on. He is like, from this time to this time, I'm unavailable basically. Unless it's an emergency that way I can't be texting him and think he's ignoring me. Or it just creates a lot more clarity within the relationship, which is huge. So for young men, and I ask this as a mom of two young boys, and I think a lot of moms of sons probably are wondering the same thing. And a lot of young men are wondering the same thing. It's how do you spot a Queen? How do you spot maybe self-actualized is like too high of a, a pinnacle, right? Like you're com you're totally complete and maybe you are not, you don't, you, you don't need someone complete 'cause you're not complete yet. 2 (30m 25s): Right? So you wanna like grow together. But someone who is not going to emasculate them, someone who's in their feminine, who is open to creating like a union, a relationship. They're not trying to do that girl bossing thing. There's this really, really, really popular interview that went viral with Cher, right? And she is, talks about a conversation she had with her mom and she's like, my mom just wants me to settle down and ra marry a rich man. And I told my mom, I am a rich man. And I get so frustrated because I'm like, you're not in this idea that you can complete all roles and functions and that you're not a social creature that needs social bonds to me is just, it's dishonest. 2 (31m 13s): So finding someone that I think, I don't know is going to like, add to their life, right. And not be in competition with them. And that's a lot. Okay. 0 (31m 23s): Well, so there's a, there's a quick answer, which because of how perceptive men are, they'll know within about 30 seconds. 2 (31m 38s): Whoa. That fast. 0 (31m 39s): Yeah. But then there's due diligence, which if I learned one thing from coaching couples and then becoming single, we do more due diligence on buying a house or a business than we do on who we say we're gonna spend the rest of our life with. And so there's taking time for due diligence to see what happens, especially under stress. 'cause that's, that's where the rubber meets the road. And so in that 30 seconds, which what men have said is they know in the first 30 seconds who a woman could be for them, doesn't mean she's gonna be, it won't pay, it might not pan out. 0 (32m 26s): And the way they'll say it is, it didn't add up. But they'll know if she could be. And it has to do with, we wrote a, I wrote a book, well actually I recorded a, I recorded a presentation and then translated it into a book called Making Sense of Men, A woman's Guide to Love, care and Affection from All Men. And it has to do with the kinds of attraction that people experience and how a man will behave if he's just, what he would call physically attracted to a woman. Which when a man says that we think he's talking about her body, that he's just attracted to her body. 0 (33m 7s): That's not what he's saying. He's saying the part of him that's attracted is his body. His body wants to get some of that. And, and there's a whole mindset and a set of behaviors and possibilities that come with physical attraction. And then there's mental, emotional, spiritual attraction resonance, right? There's all these other dimensions to who men are. And one of the biggest problems that women use to justify Emasculating Men is that instinctually and culturally we're compelled to appeal to physical attraction. 0 (33m 58s): We're compelled to, many women consider it their greatest power. Their, their greatest ability to manipulate and control men is that physical attraction, that hunger, that they'll do whatever they need to do to get to eat. And and unfortunately they don't know that by appealing to the most primitive part of men, we're not getting the everything about them that we would not only admire and respect, but be in wonder about. That they could be like that, that they could care that much, that they could spend that much of their time and energy and resources for us. 0 (34m 41s): But that comes with being attracted from other dimensions. And so in those 30 seconds, those are the things that if a man sees those, oh, this could be somebody. And you know, the, I'll just tell you what they are, although we elaborate in the book. The first one is self-confidence. Self-confidence is the most attractive quality in a, in a woman. The second is authenticity. And you can see if someone doesn't have self-confidence, they're not gonna be authentic. Right. And men know that. 0 (35m 21s): Like when a, when a woman has the courage and the self-knowledge to be direct, to tell the truth, to say what matters to her, they think that's so hot and it's practical. So because then they don't have to guess. Right. We so much conceal what really matters to us. 'cause we are afraid that we'll be rejected for it. And so men are always guessing and they don't know how to produce the results. So, and then we 2 (35m 45s): Get mad that they don't guess. Right. 0 (35m 47s): Exactly. Exactly. And, and both men and women, I, I think it's just ancient. We, the impulse isn't to ask and to tell, to ask, what do you need to ask? Is there anything you need to gimme what I need to say? I need this to say this matters to me. We conceal all that stuff. It's part of the assumption of a adversarial relationship that it'll be used against us. Oh. So yeah. So that's why they say the courage, the, the courage to be direct, the courage to say what matters. And, and then the third most attractive is passion. 0 (36m 29s): So this is why men will say, well, I need the woman I'm with to have something in her life. That's not me. That fills her up. And you know, so this leads to this whole thing I've been paying attention to since being back in a romantic relationship of overflowing swimming pools. That each of us, we live our lives in a way that we're getting filled up. And then like Dan and I overflow towards each other. Right? And instead of two half empty swimming pools trying to fill themselves up from the other, you're sucking the life outta me. 0 (37m 9s): So, so having something that we're passionate about and gives us that life and energy is critical. And then the fourth most attractive without which the whole thing falls apart. And literally, men can tell all of these just by the look on our face, what our skin is doing and the way that we're moving our bodies and the look in our eyes. So they can tell self-confidence, they can tell authenticity, they can tell passion. And then the last receptivity, the first three are all coming this way. Right? So confidence, authenticity, passion, the energy's going this way. 0 (37m 52s): Receptivity is a space for their energy. It's an openness to who they are. Even curiosity, which comes from the Greek word to care. So it's, it'll be a softness in our eyes. It'll be a radiance in our skin, which is the kind of beauty every woman can have is radiance. And, and so those are the things that men can tell instantly. Self competence, authenticity, passion, receptivity, all qualities of what you called The Queen. But long term, one of the easiest ways to think about it, Candace, is that a woman who's aware of her, the effect that she has by how she's being. 0 (38m 46s): So one way you can think of a woman who's truly a Queen is she causes herself to be particular qualities that are her greatest values. And she can be held to account for being qualities that you would call greatness. Expressions of greatness. She can be held, held to account for being those qualities even under stress. And that's what takes the due diligence. So what happens when, what happens when we're our worst selves? Right? Like, it, it's a thing I, I tell all my smart singles, you gotta do this long enough until you see their worst and know the effect that it has on you. 0 (39m 33s): Mm. Can you witness their worths, even have it coming at you and not forget who they are. So my husband used to say to me, thank you for always remembering who I am. And, and it it, it may not be nice like with him, he was very self-deprecating, which to me is just lying. Right? So he would be being self-deprecating about, about himself. Obviously self-deprecating. And I get so furious. And so I actually had an agreement, I I can hang up on you when I'm gonna say something mean. 0 (40m 17s): 'cause you're lying. I I'm gonna hang up on you instead of saying something mean, don't come after me. I was, I gotta hang up now. Actually knew I was protecting him, like to recover himself instead of smash him over the head for being full of crap. 2 (40m 36s): I really like that reframe of calling it lying. I think that that just provides so much more clarity on what we're actually doing to ourselves. Something my husband does. 'cause I am also very guilty of self-deprecating talk and negative self-talk is when I get into that loop, he'll pattern interrupt me. So he'll interrupt me in the middle of me, you know, going at myself. And he'll be like, don't talk about my wife that way. 0 (40m 58s): Ah, very good. 2 (41m 0s): Like, whoa, okay. He's like, I wouldn't let anyone else do it. Yep. So you don't do it either. 0 (41m 7s): Yeah. I, I have a friend. I'll say, please stop talking about my friend that way. Yeah. And there's something about the third person right. That gives you a like enough space instead of getting jammed more in. Yeah. Yeah. Great. I love the things. What is your husband's first name? 2 (41m 25s): Eric. 0 (41m 26s): Eric, 2 (41m 27s): Yes. Eric. 0 (41m 28s): Awesome. Good job. You too. 2 (41m 31s): Yeah, he's a great, he's a great man. I'm very, very fortunate. I would love to get, I I have a quote from one from your book from The Queen code. And it's on the topic of sex, which I think is very juicy and important and very relevant to a lot of popularized movements that I would love to get your feedback on. So, okay. One of them is sex is a vital need and men will die without it. And then another part is sex is nourishing for a man providing more, more than any food or drink, it is a reset and a chance to be free. And I feel like both of those are so powerful and it gives a, it gives a different perspective on sex, the necessity of it, how it contributes to a relationship that it's is providing. 2 (42m 23s): And there's this new kind of popular movement of what my interpretation is of separating men from pleasure, separating men from their bodies, their natural sex drive, where it's being reframed as Masturbation and sex is detrimental to their mental health and to their dopamine receptors, to their creative energy. And that every time that they orgasm, they are choosing to take creative energy away from a potential project and wasting it essentially. And to me that doesn't make any sense because I like to have a more abundant mindset. And I don't know, I'm like, that is creative energy like you and it is so necessary. 2 (43m 8s): And I agree with you. Like there's a lot of studies that show when men stop having sex, their testosterone starts to plummet. And that is their life source. That's what keeps them young, youthful and vibrant. So I am so curious on your interpretation of that movement and why sex is ne is necessary. 0 (43m 27s): Yeah. I know a man who practices, I forget the word for it, there's a term they use, but he practices what you're talking about. And, and we, we've had conversations about it and, and I can see part of what he's working on is by not being goal-oriented with sexual sexual interaction because he is taken climax off the table. He practices not doing that, that it has him instead pay more attention to sensuality and connectedness. 0 (44m 15s): And I think that's super cool. I don't think you have to eliminate in order to have that, I just, I'm gonna make myself blush. Dan, Dan cheeses, he, he picks up on words. I use that, that communicated, do you know? And then he'll reuse them. And so, so the other day he said, did that qualify as thoroughly? 0 (44m 59s): Because months ago I had said, I wanna make love thoroughly go to the theme park. I'm going all the rides. 3 (45m 10s): It's like, 0 (45m 11s): Oh. It's like, as opposed to, I just have time for the slide quick. And, and then like the, the quote that you pulled from the queen's code about they'll die without it. She's referring to the awareness of, of ourselves, which is primal of are we reproducing? And, and pro I talk about our instincts has procreate them, protect them, provide and procreate trump's protecting. That's why we have to teach safe sects and protecting trump's providing, which is why emasculation is so detrimental because when a woman attacks a man, he has to protect himself, which means he can't provide for her. 0 (46m 7s): He retreats if, if you, I imagine into, into protect from provide and, and even worse than that, protect himself from this person. But procreate that energy, I I think of it as green. It's a green energy isn't just sex, it's all creativity. It's all it's part of building. Providing is a lot of building too. But it's, it shows up in entrepreneurship. It shows up in different kinds of artistry and performance, not just in sex. So it's in the same domain, but I love the way that you said it about you believe more in abundance. 0 (46m 49s): Like there's a, a scarcity of creative energy that we gotta make sure we don't spend some over here. 'cause I it won't have it for there. And like Mike talks about in that same chapter, in The Queen code, there are times when he doesn't want to have sex because he doesn't wanna break his focus And sex drive, right. Can break focus in the first place. Like, I mean if a woman, if women just paid attention to what we're like when we're ovulating Crotch watching, right? When we're ovulating, when we are in heat, that is the closest we ever come to a man's sex drive. 0 (47m 36s): But he can have that kind of sex drive like a young man. He can have that sex drive three hours after he's had sex. He can have a need that intense and be that distracted by it. So, and I just like in chapter five, when Mike is sharing what sex provides for him, depending on what's happening, because it, it does depend. And if we just have, you know, go for home plate sex all the time, which some people don't know, there's alternatives to that. Right? There's, there aren't, unless you go looking for 'em, there aren't movies that will teach us sensuality. 0 (48m 20s): Right. That will teach us to slow down. Or I, I always refer people to the erotic blueprints. Jay loves work, which is awesome for learning how to honor ourselves. Right. And, and then honor others. I think if a man doesn't wanna have an orgasm, okay, I explained this to my friend that I talked to about it. If you're interacting with a woman who isn't practicing the same thing, she's gonna be having a primal reaction that she didn't get the part that she needed to get in order to be safe. Because we're at a very primitive level. We believe that men will protect the women they have sex with, that men will provide the women they have sex with. 0 (49m 4s): We're, we're sure without ever talking about or thinking about it. We're sure that's how it works. It isn't if a woman, if a, if a man is attracted to a woman in all those ways I was describing and not physically attracted, he'll still be compelled to take care of her. There will be a, an edge that's missing. That physical part creates a kind of edge, a kind of extra energy to be spent. But it isn't everything. And if it's the only thing, he has no compulsion to take care of her. He's just compelled to take from her. Mm. 2 (49m 42s): That's interesting. 0 (49m 44s): Yeah. Which is why many women think men are pigs. They're horn dogs, they're, and they're pigs and they're men who bought it. No. We appeal to physical attraction and we get the results of physical attraction and we're pissed, but we caused it. So I, I'm constantly coaching women do not lead with sex. You know, and I, I asked a panel of men once, how much skin does a woman have to be showing to remind you that her entire body is covered by this delicious substance? 0 (50m 25s): You went like this. That's all. Because our skin literally gives off life force. If we're in our bodies, a man touching our skin, he will be revived from touching our skin. 2 (50m 43s): I can't remember the terminology for it. Maybe it's like, it's the process of, of water kind of crystallizing within the body. And they say that after an orgasm, I think they call it Nesting after an orgasm like a, a female orgasm, if that whole cuddling like post intercourse, that her magnetic field expands in such a way that it's actually healing to the man's body and it will actually get rid of toxins and irregularities within crystalline structures within his body. Which is fascinating. That is 0 (51m 20s): Fascinating. Right. 2 (51m 21s): And so like when you talk 0 (51m 22s): Though, 2 (51m 23s): No, I'm not either. So when you talked about, you know, the skin having that energy and that life force, I'm like, oh my gosh, I've heard different variations of that and they are studying it. It's, it's pretty magical. 0 (51m 34s): Wow. Part of the, the field, when I moved, Dan and I were long distance for almost a year, and then I moved to his city. I, it, it was not good. It was not good because I got more attention to him when we would do the long distance thing. And now that I was, you know, in his city and nearby his whole life, right. And everything has to do to take care of his life was going on. And I got really upset. I was like, I got more attention from you when I lived 260 miles away than I do living 90 steps from your back door. 0 (52m 17s): And, and however I said it, some way that I said it and some way that I said what I needed, he got it. And he invented something that he named Laydowns and he's like, okay, this is what we're gonna do every day. We're we're gonna lie down every day. We're gonna do that. So you tell me when, 'cause your schedule's busier than mine, and then I'll come over to your house or you'll come over to mine and we'll lie down and we'll hold each other. We'll cuddle. We might get frisky, but, or maybe not, but we're just, we'll talk and we'll listen and maybe we'll fall asleep, but we're gonna do that every day no matter what. 0 (53m 4s): And I was stunned like that he was willing to do that. Right. Just this com talk about committed Right. Committed to giving me the attention that he got that I needed it. Like this is the care intending of Alison. And so many things have come out of it, Candace, that are just funny. Like we thought we were out as moving manure and, and he was doing some other kind of dirt work. And we were, we were filthy. And the plan was, you know, take a shower and then we'll do a lie down. And we were, we, but we were too tired to take a shower. Our bodies just really wanted to lie down. 0 (53m 45s): I'm like, well, I, I have a sheet I can put on my bedspread. And so we spread it out, we put on my bedspread and we just, we just were, we were dirty, right? We were like, Ooh, dirt boogers, you know, just, and so, so we named that a dirty down. You don't have a dirty down, which of course everybody thinks is something else and, but what inevitably we'll lie down, he'll lift up his arm, I'll snuggle into the pocket and both of us at the same time, we'll go. Oh, right. And there's just, there's something that happens in that field, right. 0 (54m 26s): In that field of being horizontal, being together. What you were talking about, the crystal, the aura, what hap happens. I I believe it. Hey. And often he says, best part of my whole day. 2 (54m 43s): Oh, that's so beautiful. Yes. That's so beautiful. I love to hear that. Yeah. 0 (54m 49s): I think maybe in the year and a half since he invented it at the most, we've missed maybe a week's worth because of my schedule or 'cause we were sick, like we both had covid this year. Yeah. He's, he's absolutely dedicated to it. When are we gonna, what time? What time for a lie down? So 2 (55m 14s): Yeah. If only more people would take the time to, to like curate their relationships, right. To express their needs, to come up with really creative solutions to everyday problems that end up being so fun and so unique and just like life giving. I wanna be super mindful of your time. So before we start wrapping up, would you like to give any piece of advice to any young men or young women that are listening that maybe haven't discovered your work yet? 0 (55m 44s): Hmm. Well I'm glad we talked about self-deprecation because too many men have gotten enrolled in women's conversation about who men are. And even back in 1995 when we started the celebrating Men's Satisfying Women workshop, and people would ask me, what do you do? And it's like, well, I created and lead something called celebrating men's satisfying women. And I'd have men say, celebrating men what sort of celebrate about men we're pigs. And I just, right. 0 (56m 24s): And there are so many men who have bought into the perception of men that women have as compared to a perfect woman and the expectation that they should act like a woman and they should already know what I need. And they bought into that they, that their motivations are not good. Right. That their motivations are, their pigs are primitive or horn dogs or unevolved. They, they believed it. And, and that's what I would say, I would say to all men don't believe it. 0 (57m 5s): And the Queen's code is becoming part of the men's movement. And I wrote it to transform the way women related to men. But, but what men have told me about reading it is they get to two thing really important things happen. And listening is better than reading by the way we released the audio book last year and it's so much more impactful. And because it, you can't filter right. When we read, we're filtering and without even knowing it, like even the tone of voice will, will infer Right. A tone of voice by who we think men are. And it was Candace mama who pointed this out to me. 0 (57m 46s): I know you're aware of her. That, that she didn't listen, she didn't read the book to herself the way that I read it to her. And but in listening to the Queen's Code, men can find out what is causing women to emasculate men and understand it, even see it while it's happening and not fold to it. And men get to find out how honorable their motivations are, how much sense their motivations make. And so both of these can add up to men becoming impervious to being emasculated, which is possible to just not let it in, not collapse to it, not by into it, which oh my gosh, when my son took it on, he was about 27 I think, or less, maybe 25 when he took on not letting women emasculate him anymore. 2 (58m 50s): I love to hear that. Yeah. 0 (58m 52s): Now I knew he was gonna be all right. It was like, it, it didn't matter. I I didn't have to get ahold of every woman he might possibly interact with and cure her. Yes. 2 (59m 5s): I plan on ordering several copies of your book and then as my boys start dating, handing it out to these young girls and like, this is an excellent read. It will serve you well on your journey to womanhood. Please read it. 0 (59m 18s): Yeah, it's great. 2 (59m 20s): Yeah, this was incredible. Can you please tell the listeners where they can follow you, how they can support you, any programs that you're offering, websites, all that good stuff. 0 (59m 29s): Hmm. Yeah, so at Alison Armstrong dot com is our entire online curriculum. Everything that I've produced since 2006, is it Alison Armstrong dot com. There's a bunch of stuff on Audible that's still valid and that's why it's still there, but it's all older. And I'm doing an event in Los Angeles at the end of October. I'm really excited about, there's online prerequisites, but those are all part of the tuition. And yeah, I mean we, when you've been to our website, we've got free stuff, we've got all these things that people can partake in depending on their budget, how much money they wanna spend. 0 (1h 0m 13s): You wanna spend 10 bucks, you wanna spend 10,000 bucks. I have something for you. 2 (1h 0m 21s): Absolutely incredible. This was amazing. Thank you so very much. And I'll make sure that I link all of that below for everybody. 0 (1h 0m 27s): Beautiful. Thanks Candace. 2 (1h 0m 30s): You're very welcome. And that's it for this week's episode of Chatting with Candace. 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