#112 Candice Horbacz - Shining through the Shadows ; Reflections on Identity, Motherhood, and Acceptance

0 (0s): Hello everyone. You are listening or watching Chatting with Candace. I'm your host, Candice Horbacz. And today I am also the guest. And this is weird. I've actually hit record and paused a couple times because I'm just not flowing. And I made this episode a couple days ago. Flowed, I thought it was great and it didn't record. So I am going to assume that that was divine intervention and I would needed to do another take, maybe a shorter take. Oh, the other one was a little bit long. So we had a video go ultra viral. I'm talking over 5 million views and that is absolutely incredible. 0 (41s): I am so proud of this show. I'm so proud because I've stuck with it. I'm following my curiosities. It's funny because I'm being told like what to talk about and not talk about because of what does well, and parenting was one of those things I was told not to talk about because it just doesn't resonate with my base. And then that's the video that has over 5 million views. And I'm like, well, my base isn't that big yet. So I mean I feel like I'm should be in a place where I'm just following things that really excite me and I wanna talk about, so more of that story is to follow your passions and your curiosities because that is what resonates with people not clicks and grabs and what do you call 'em? 0 (1m 24s): Like shock jocks, all of that. There's a place for that. I'm sure some of it's entertaining, but that's, that's not me. So amazing, so proud. But that moment was immediately overshadowed by a whirlwind of stones being cast my way. And what's interesting is I have always been really transparent about who I am, who I'm trying to be, my values, my principles, my past. And some people were in the comments trying to have gotcha moments. Like, don't you know she's a porn star? Don't you know that she's, she was in the adult industry and they'll give my stage name as if I'm not open about it. 0 (2m 13s): And then also as if that automatically discounts anything I'm to do or say later in life. So I get punished for doing this thing, this very controversial thing. And then I try to do something else. I'm at a different stage of my life. That was six, seven years ago. Seven years ago. And I'm being told by a big group of people, like, that's the only thing I can do from here on out. I made this horrible decision. You are now seen as a, a person of no value, no intellect, no contribution. So just stay over there doing the thing that you weren't supposed to do. 0 (2m 56s): That doesn't make any sense to me. It's like this Kafka trap where no matter what I do, you're taking this moral authority over anything. And it's supposed to shut me down and shut me up. The things that I did in my past, again, I'm so open and honest about and did in my past. I made those decisions when I was 19 years old. I'm now 34. I am a wildly different person. While in a good way, how embarrassing, how embarrassing would it be if I was the same person? If my perspective and my values were the same, if the things I was going after were the same, that would be horrendous. 0 (3m 43s): Horrendous. Thank God I'm not that person anymore. I would never do probably 90% of the things I did when I was 19, 20, 21. I just wouldn't. I am a at a different stage. I'm a mother of two, I'm married. I don't do things purely for likes, follows financial success. I'm trying to do things that I think are going to have an impact not only for people that are listening, but for my kids, for my community. I, I look at things and I assign value in a much different way. 0 (4m 24s): I look at sex at a, in a different way. I was very, very naive with a lot of my, and immature, honestly super immature with a lot of my views on sex and intimacy. Now that does not mean that I have gone full pendulum to the right and I'm super judgmental and think monogamy is the only way or you better just cover yourself up. There's this article, or not article post that went viral. Some athlete's wife who I think is a mom of two, just did Sports Illustrated and she's a bombshell. It's like, how does a woman who just had two kids look like that? 0 (5m 5s): That's a celebration. That's a win for her. And the Internet's coming after her for, you know, objectifying herself. There's, there's no pleasing anyone. So all you can do is be your authentic self in the moment and make the decisions that you think are best for you and your family with the information that you have. At the time, I was told I couldn't have kids at the time I was single at the time. I had a ton of bills to pay. At the time I was super sick and working a regular job was really hard. I was on Lupron. I just had surgery to get rid of some of my endometriosis. When you get delivered this box of Lupron, there's a sign that you leave on the door for the delivery man. 0 (5m 48s): 'cause you're supposed to sign for it and it's temperature dependent. So they don't want it sitting out saying that you might be too sick to answer the door. You might not physically be able to answer the door. So please leave the medication on the stoop that came with the medicine because it was so often that you would take these shots and it would actually make you feel worse. I remember the days that I had injections. I would have to be driven home 'cause I couldn't drive. So when I was in that situation, webcaming seemed like my opportunity to provide for myself in a real meaningful way. In a safe way from the comfort of my room. I could make my own hours if I was feeling good, I could cam if I wasn't, I didn't have to. 0 (6m 30s): And I would make so much money that I could do it whenever I wanted and it would be enough. There were a lot of reasons why I made the decision to get into the industry. Some that I'm probably sure I'm not even aware of. You know, it could be childhood parenting, divo, parents divorcing abuse, sexual repression and trying to explore my sexuality. Like there is this whole constellation of reasons sort of backcast and try to find the one reason it's an impossibility. What I will say is I don't regret it. Now maybe I made a left turn. I'm not sure it doesn't feel like it and certainly doesn't feel like it. 0 (7m 12s): And I don't have any shame or regret around my past. It has given me a life that I never thought I would have a level of freedom. I never thought I would have understanding of myself and my body and relationships and shame like transcending a lot of that in a way that I don't think I would have been able to. It is an excellent filtration system for who is for me and not for me. People will write me off immediately. People will write my husband off immediately. People will unfortunately probably write my children off immediately. And that certainly doesn't feel good. 0 (7m 53s): I don't know if it will ever feel great, but it does show me a lot about the person that's doing that because we are not our past. Hopefully. Hopefully we're ever evolving, constantly changing, trying to be better, trying to improve, trying to learn more. If I were to judge you off of something that you did a decade ago, not knowing your story or why not approaching it with curiosity, approaching it with my own lens of right wrong, my own Conditioning, I'll say, and that's not really fair to you. 0 (8m 40s): I try to assess the person in front of me. How are you showing up for your loved ones? How are you showing up for your community? How are you showing up right now for me in this conversation, in this interaction? And I judge the now I'm asking that. And if that's too much, if that for if for you to judge me now who I am now, my thoughts, my opinions, my perspective, judge those in isolation now instead of putting this overlay of 19-year-old me on it, if that's too much, just scroll past. You are not required to. You're not obligated to leave a nasty comment. 0 (9m 23s): It's not necessary. It's not necessary. Everyone knows what I did. I know what I did. I'm asking you to just judge me now for who I am. So with that being said, who am I? And that is the question I ask myself a lot. And I think we fall in these traps of identifying with our roles, functions, jobs, Even how we fall into certain familial, familial structures. And those are certainly not without value, but you're so much more than that. 0 (10m 3s): So when someone reduces me down to a porn star or reduces me down to an assortment of body parts, I've never looked at myself that way. I've never looked at myself as just a bunch of body parts to be monetized or a bunch of, bunch, a bunch of body parts to be objectified. I'm so much more than that. And if you think that because a woman has displayed an abnormal amount of sexual promiscuity or sexual, what's the word I'm looking for? Exhibition, that that's all that she is. 0 (10m 45s): That shows me how what you think of women in general, honestly, you know, you're probably someone that loses respect for someone, for a woman after you sleep with her. Well that wasn't lost. You never had it for her. The respect that you had for me wasn't lost. You never had it for me. And that's fine. Again, it's a filtration system. But I don't want people around me that just judge, judge from a place of moral superiority instead of just taking in something objectively. So I'm sure there's a lot of things that you disagree with with everyone in your close circle. You can't align with every single thought, opinion, belief you're gonna have nobody. 0 (11m 26s): I think life becomes interesting when we surround ourself with people more based off of like trust and responsibility, reliability, Things that of real substance like more, hopefully more than just your sexuality and your sexual interests. Hopefully more than that. Hopefully you're judging people Based off of how they contribute to society, their immediate family, their friends, and not what is their favorite position in bed. But that's just me. Call me crazy. 0 (12m 6s): There's also this weird Acceptance when it comes to bringing people's children into the conversation that I still don't understand. I don't understand how it's tolerated or even encouraged. And you see this with a lot of really big conservative talking heads. They'll talk about women like me, they'll talk about Lena, they'll talk about Riley. You see those names circulated a lot because they had the audacity to make a terrible decision. One that most society disagrees with. Everyone says is going to ruin your life, become wildly financially successful, wildly notable, find a ride or die husband who's also successful in their own right. 0 (12m 58s): The audacity to fall in love, get married and have children. And here's the kicker to be happy. They had the audacity to be happy. So because of that, there is this encouragement to bring the children into the conversation. And I have made posts, I've taken them down, but I've taken screenshots of some of the nastier ones to highlight them. Sometimes I, I used to delete them. And then I realized first of all I can't keep up with that. And second of all, I want, I want people to see how awful and dark some pieces of the internet can be and not to wash over it. 0 (13m 43s): So I've had comments where people say that your kid's gonna kill themself and it's not unique to me. I noticed this on other performers pages that are public about being mothers. Why on earth would you say that You can pretend that it's because you have my child's wellbeing in mind? We know that that's not true. We know that that's not true. You don't even know them. So to kind of even fantasize play that you care about someone else's kid, even remotely as much as they do is just insane. So I'm not gonna play that game. It is because you're evil. It's because there is some part of you or a lot of part or the entirety that is evil and that's not okay. 0 (14m 25s): And that should be a topic that is just off limits. People's kids should be off limits. Especially when you have someone who doesn't share their children. I don't post my kids online. As you can see, there's a really good reason why I go through my comments and you will understand why so many of us keep our precious little angels away from the internet because it is terrible. So I'll say something like, don't give artificial dyes to your kid because it's poisoning them. Which is pretty well accepted in a lot of medical communities. That red dye 40 is a neurotoxin that some of these dyes cause abnormal maladaptive behavior like a DHD, depression, anxiety, you name it. 0 (15m 11s): So I'll say something like that and they'll say, oh well you're worried about Twizzlers when you should be worried about the internet. We should all be worried about the internet when it comes to our children. It is a dangerous place. There are predators, there are, there is content that is for adults. There's violent content that I don't know anyone should really be watching. So yeah, I'm gonna keep my kids off the internet while it's inappropriate for them to have unbridled access to the internet. And you should keep your kids off too. And if it's your kid that is showing some other kid explicit content, I'm not even talking about myself at this point. I'm talking about other people's kids and just random performers. 0 (15m 50s): That's not okay. That means that you have also failed as a parent because you are putting them in in harm's way and they have access to content that they're not able to process. So it is a complicated, complicated thing that all of us parents have to worry about, which is the internet. My unique issue is obviously that some of my content out there is nothing that my own children should see. Your children should not see you in that position, right? Or those positions. Boom, it's gonna happen. 'cause there's gonna be some shitty kid that had shitty parents that is going to get enjoyment out of trying to hurt my kids. 0 (16m 37s): That's the issue. That's the thing that we should be looking at is to hurt people. Trying to hurt people and why That's not the thing we're trying to fix. We're trying to fix my behavior. No, it's sick. That's the sick thing. That's the evil thing. That's the wrong thing. So it's my job to try to plan, prepare and give my kids the tools that they're going to need to deal with my decisions. And that sucks. Again, I had no idea the gravity of my decision, like the ripple effect of that. I didn't think I was going to have kids. But it is my reality, my family's reality nonetheless. And I promise you I think about it a lot. 0 (17m 17s): My husband thinks about it a lot. We love those boys more than anything in this world. And we will do everything in our power to make it as easy as possible for them to find out, for like to set them up in such a way that it doesn't take them aback, it doesn't take the wind out of their sails. They're not shown or they don't discover this for the first time by some bully, but that we are the ones that present it so that they can process it in its entirety in the safety of their house. That's my goal. Hopefully I am aware situationally to when that time is appropriate. 0 (18m 2s): So obviously not right now, they're both very little, but that time is going to come and I'm gonna have to deal with it. We're all gonna have to deal with it. I'm not lying, I'm not in in disillusion of that reality. But what I don't understand is again, just like the obligation that people feel like they have to throw my kids into it, to throw my past into it. I have moved on. It would be super if you would, it would be super if you would let me, I bought a red pin. I'm still debating if I'm gonna start wearing it on the canceled weekly episodes because I feel like the guys have this Christian following and this right conservative following and some of 'em are cool. 0 (18m 52s): And then there's a group of 'em that are just absolute loons and they watch the show just to be mean to me and try to get me written off my own show, which is hysterical. Like we're all co-hosts on it. Equally, no one's going anywhere. If you don't wanna see me watch slick and thick, I'm not on that. Be like someone complaining about Gerard. Okay, well then watch Chatting with Candace. I don't know what to tell you. Watch something that has none of us in it if it's so triggering. But yeah, maybe you'll see me with the red A because it's not going anywhere. The internet is forever. Forever. And there's this conversation that I've had, which is the right to be forgotten. And do you have the right to be forgotten? 0 (19m 34s): Do you have the right to move beyond your decisions that you made when you were 17, 18, 19, whatever it was. Whether it's a bad tweet, terrible take adult content. There are I think 5 million creators currently on OnlyFans. How many of them are 18, 19, 20, 21. Super young Braden's not even done yet. Do those performers have the right to say, Ooh, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done that. Do I have the right to have that removed? Because now I'm a different person with, with a, with different standards, different, a different perspective. 0 (20m 15s): It's not like it's illegal. It's not like it's a felony that you're try to wipe away. It is a legal job that you are paying taxes on. Do you have the right to move past that? And it was brought to my attention that there are certain countries over in Europe where yeah, you can, you can actually have the internet wiped of certain things not in the states. And it's an interesting problem, especially with AI and deep fakes and what is, what is yours to own? How much of your data, how much of your likeness, how much of your digital footprint, fingerprint is yours to do with how, what you want and how you want. So we'll see as of now, obviously I don't have that luxury, so it's on the internet forever. 0 (20m 58s): So maybe I just lean into that and I'm gonna be the rock and I'm gonna come out, I'm gonna be the bad guy and I'm on my a just, I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm in a much better place than I was last week when all of this was first going down. And I promise people will say touch grass and it's just the internet. But when you have thousands and thousands and thousands of comments coming in it, you feel like you have to be in the comment section. Engaging, fighting, battling like it's like this digital castle that is being overrun by rebels. And you are just trying to fight every single person and defend what is yours. 0 (21m 40s): And you realize how stupid that is. So then you do digital cleanse and you do a podcast because podcasts are therapeutic. So I guess if you are still listening, I am Candace, very nice to meet you. Eva was never real. She never is going to be, she's going to exist forever on the internet because that is the nature of things. I have moved past it. I am, I'm curious about parenting and marriage and relationships and Bitcoin, blockchain, politics, spirituality, so many things, psychedelics like if you saw my bookshelves, you'd be like, this person is wild. 0 (22m 44s): I mean self-improvement. We're going on a shooting course this week, actually, we're going down to Austin to do Tim Kennedy's protector course. It's like this couple's Valentine's Day shooting thing. I am a multidimensional person. I have so many interests, so many curiosities porn is not really one of them anymore. Like I, I kind of get little blips here if something weird happens politically, like the ban in North Carolina or once in a while someone will come across my feed that I haven't seen in a long time. But I am so detached from that industry. I haven't been in it for so long. 0 (23m 25s): It's just so weird that it seems to be a permanent fixture. So I don't know. It's again, the whole goal of life I think is to constantly improve, constantly try to better yourself, constantly figure out who you are under pressure and make adjustments to love, to play, to discover things. And I don't think it's to be stuck. I don't think any decision that you make should you should be punished for, for the rest of your life. I, it doesn't seem right. And to take someone's humanity away and like civil discourse away just because of that seems a little silly too. 0 (24m 14s): But I digress. So before we head out, I believe that God or the universe sends you messages all the time in a whole bunch of different ways. While I was in the thick of this and really going through it and feeling awful for myself and about myself, I get fed this piece of content on TikTok and anyone who knows me knows that Julia Roberts is my favorite actress. She is my, she just feels like at home and peaceful and calm for me. And anytime that I'm having a bad day or if my husband's traveling, it is without a doubt it's a Julia Roberts film. 0 (24m 60s): I think she's so graceful and she is timeless and I just, I adore her. So I get fed this piece of content from her on TikTok and it just felt like it was made for me. So let me pull that up and we'll listen to it and then we can do a quick commentary and that'll be it for the episode. 3 (25m 22s): I posted a picture of my niece and I from one weekend morning. She'd slept over and we got up and were having tea and playing cards and having this beautiful morning. It was great. I felt great about it. And my sweet little niece reposted it a couple of days later and interesting things happened. The amount of people that felt absolutely required to talk about how terrible I looked in the picture that I'm not aging well, that I look like a man, why would I even post a picture like this? And I look that terrible people saying, God, I didn't even recognize her. This is what she looks like. 3 (26m 3s): And then the fights that break out within the comments where someone says, you should be nice. Why should I be nice? She looks terrible. And people start fighting within the comments. I was amazed at what that made me feel. I'm a 50-year-old woman and I know who I am and still my feelings got hurt. I was so hurt that people couldn't see the point of it, the sweetness of it, the absolute Shining joy of that photo. And I thought, God, what if I was 15? That's just devastating. And it really made me see all the things about hearts and cliques and likes. 3 (26m 48s): And you realize there is something neurological about this whole system. It was fascinating to me, and I think it taught me a lot about being a young person in today's society. 0 (27m 2s): I mean, absolutely amazing spot on. It is this feeling that people feel required to be cruel, to add some nasty comment to be mean. I don't know what it is, but you're not required to. And I think again, she made a great point when she said, I know who I am. And it still bothered me and I've really tried to grapple with that. Like, is this bothering me? Because I don't know who I am and I'm not okay with my decisions. And I, I know that that's not it. It's just so unnatural with these minds that we have that were evolved for picking blueberries to be able to go onto this computer, super computer and see 6,000 people shouting at you for how you're terrible. 0 (27m 52s): That's, that's not normal. We haven't caught up to that. And I think what happens is our brains are thinking, we're about to be exiled, we're about to be exiled and thrown into the forest and I'm not gonna survive by myself and I'm going to die. And then that's why we have such a visceral reaction to it. And I would encourage people that when you're trying to exile something to look internally and see what ways that you have tried to abandon that part of yourself. In what ways have you tried to remove what could be some of the best parts of you. I hope when you watch this and when you watch future clips or shows that I'm on, that you don't miss the point, that you don't miss the point that you don't miss the real me all for all for my past, all for your own programming, whatever it is, just to again, just take it everything into account as it is, as it's being presented to you. 0 (29m 3s): And to give an honest assessment of that. And not to just add to the darkness and shittiness of the internet. 'cause there's enough of it, Right? Be the light, be the love, add some value. It's not to say agree with everything I say and do. 'cause obviously there are gonna be plenty of times where I am wrong and I'm so aware of that. But there's a way to do it with the intention of trying to help someone better themselves, improve themselves, gain more insight versus a way that is meant to take someone, take someone down, make them feel terrible, punish them. 0 (29m 44s): You learn nothing from punishment. Punishment is a behavior modification and it's just that. And that alone, it's not instilling long-term change and understanding and improvement. It's you're fixing a behavior maybe. So I'm done being punished. And with that, everybody, thank you for listening. I hope you stick around. I think you'll find something of value and interesting. And I will see you next week. Thank you for listening. If you wanna support the podcast, go to Chatting with candace.com and I'll see you next week. 0 (30m 29s): Goodbye everybody.